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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend smokes in the house and gets angry when I ask him not to.

194 replies

Lollen · 26/07/2024 14:01

A little bit of background I live with my boyfriend who owns the house we live in. I do not own the house but I do pay rent.
today like many other times I’ve come home from work & the house stinks of smoke. I’ve bought all of the soft furnishings (rugs, cushions etc) and the landing/upstairs is fully carpeted. Today I said very politely that it smells of smoke and he has hit the roof and told me I have to move out. He said it’s his house he can do what he wants. I just feel so sad. I feel like I’m not allowed to say anything. My clothes smell of smoke, my hair, everything.
it’s worth noting that we have a lovely garden that he can smoke in so it’s not like he has nowhere to do it.
it may be worth pointing out that he smokes 🍃 so I think this has an impact on his mood& temper.
i don’t think he will ever quite even though he’s promised me that he will.

OP posts:
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CustardCreams2 · 27/07/2024 12:30

Given that you are paying him rent, and you have contributed to the house re furnishings- he really should be kinder and willing to take on board what you’re saying- especially when it pertains to you health aswell (2nd hand smoke). Getting angry and telling you it’s his house and to get out is beyond disrespectful and nasty. I think you should take him up on his word and leave. Paying rent affords you stability of a place to live- landlords cannot throw you out just at their whim. Honestly take you rent elsewhere and look for somewhere without him

wellno · 27/07/2024 12:25

Are you close to your sisters OP? Will they help you to find a way to move out? It really is imperative that you do. Good luck - you will need courage but the chances are you're far stronger than you think.

BlackShuck3 · 27/07/2024 11:50

pikkumyy77 · 26/07/2024 21:59

This is incorrect. Financial abuse within a relationship isn’t defined this way. That is like saying a man who beats his gf isn’t abusing her because she could leave.

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Nonsense.

BeachParty · 27/07/2024 10:35

I couldn't stand that. Smoke lingers and stinks.
If it's his house though, you can't stop him smoking in it.
I'd be moving out.

honestyISkind · 27/07/2024 10:32

How utterly putrid. Move out.

Original poster
Lollen · 27/07/2024 10:32

laundryelf · 27/07/2024 07:23

Your mental health is not going to improve while you are with him, so please don't wait until you feel stronger to leave.

I agree, thank you 🤍🤍

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollen · 27/07/2024 10:32

Paulettamcgee · 27/07/2024 01:10

This is the value in calling Refuge's national domestic abuse helpline. The advisors will listen, without judgement but also let you know whether, in their professional opinion, you are experiencing domestic abuse. They can also provide you with details of your local domestic abuse service if needed.
0808 2000 247
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Have a look on the website to better understand what domestic abuse looks like OP. I think you may be surprised at some of the similarities you see.

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Thank you🤍

OP posts:
froggybiby · 27/07/2024 07:46

You deserve better than being treated like this. How much rent do you pay out of curiosity?
Please move out ASAP and follow others advice....I understand you are not in a good place but staying will make it worse.

Bigcat25 · 27/07/2024 07:29

It's your home too and as a paying tennant he may not be able to kick you out. He's very manipulative to lord over the housing situation everytime you get in an argument after presenting it as your home as well.

laundryelf · 27/07/2024 07:23

Your mental health is not going to improve while you are with him, so please don't wait until you feel stronger to leave.

femfemlicious · 27/07/2024 07:22

Please look for a room as a lodger for now, then start applying for jobs near where you have family. You can do it. You have to get out of this man's house.

femfemlicious · 27/07/2024 07:14

Would be best if you move out. You can't make him stop.

Hateam · 27/07/2024 07:12

If you don't move out now you'll be back here in five years time with two children and in a significantly worse situation.

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 27/07/2024 06:41

I wouldn’t wait to save to move, as he will likely get nastier or try to prevent you from being able to move. He is quite comfortable making threats and wants his way or the highway. Can you move back to where your Family and friends are? Can you call family and talk about your situation ?

serialcatbuyer · 27/07/2024 03:56

Weed smokers do have anger problems a lot of the time. I couldn't be with one. Just leave him

Lucy377 · 27/07/2024 03:48

Yes totally abusive relationship.
He's s selfish prick addicted to weed.
He'll sap all your energy and self esteem.

You are not damaged or broken -he's an abuser.
He's the reason your inner strength is compromised.
Leave him and your power will come back.
Find a way to move out.

He has taken advantage of your good and kind nature.

wombat1a · 27/07/2024 03:40

Move out, dump him, find someone you can actually live with instead.

Paulettamcgee · 27/07/2024 01:10

DancingLions · 26/07/2024 19:44

I agree you should move out.

However, women's aid is a limited resource. Other than smoking against your wishes, I don't see any real abusive behaviour.

Unless there is more to the story, there isn't any controlling behaviour, no violence etc. He only gets shirty when you ask him not to smoke and honestly, being his house, he can do what he wants. It isn't nice, I don't disagree with that. But not sure it's a women's aid issue.

Only you really know the answer to that.

This is the value in calling Refuge's national domestic abuse helpline. The advisors will listen, without judgement but also let you know whether, in their professional opinion, you are experiencing domestic abuse. They can also provide you with details of your local domestic abuse service if needed.
0808 2000 247
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Have a look on the website to better understand what domestic abuse looks like OP. I think you may be surprised at some of the similarities you see.

Homepage - National Domestic Abuse Helpline

Are you experiencing domestic abuse? You are not alone. Find out how the National Domestic Abuse helpline can support you.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

ASandwichNamedKevin · 26/07/2024 23:20

DancingLions · 26/07/2024 22:20

@AquaFurball

I'm well aware of what abuse is. Smoking in the house and (possibly) over charging on the rent isn't it.

I work with people experiencing Domestic Abuse and would absolutely consider the OP to be in an abusive relationship.

Mintypig · 26/07/2024 23:20

Oh god leave him!! He sounds awful always threatening to boot you out.

unospaghetto · 26/07/2024 23:17

Despair1 · 26/07/2024 21:38

His house. his rules and you must have known that he smoked before you moved in.

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He never smoked indoors in his rented accommodation that he and OP shared. So yes she knew he smoked but not that he would do so indoors (not did she realise he would threaten her with eviction for speaking up).

@Lollen you deserve so much better. I hope that very very soon you are able to get out of there and don’t look back.

bookishblondie · 26/07/2024 22:55

My ex boyfriend smoked 🍃 in the house when we moved in together. It drove me fucking insane. Final straw was when I came home from work and saw him and his friends hot boxing my living room. Dump his ass.

DancingLions · 26/07/2024 22:20

@AquaFurball

I'm well aware of what abuse is. Smoking in the house and (possibly) over charging on the rent isn't it.

LBFseBrom · 26/07/2024 22:13

Lollen · 26/07/2024 14:23

I agree with you totally however I’m very far away from family and friends and don’t have the means to move out on my own. He knows that I’m quite isolated and always threatens to kick me out when we have rows. It’s making me feel really low and alone.

He's got you over a barrel and, frankly, sounds rather unpleasant. However it doesn't have to stay that way, you can save a bit and find somewhere to live, even a (non-smoking) house/flat share would be a start. Or else move back to your parents and find another job nearer to them. There are always ways and means.

AquaFurball · 26/07/2024 22:12

DancingLions · 26/07/2024 21:58

Yeah the fact OP can't afford to move out isn't really on him. He set a sum to which she agreed. She could have said no. She's made herself dependant on him. He's just lived his life.

Probably one of the motivating factors to him getting his own place was that he would then be able to smoke where he chose to!

If someone moved in with me and started trying to dictate things, I'd tell them fine, leave then. Which is what he's doing.

It doesn't mean I don't have sympathy for the OP. He doesn't sound like a very nice person but I wouldn't call him an abuser. As I said in an earlier post, womens aid is a limited resource and I sometimes do get a bit frustrated on here where every disagreement is responded to with cries of "call womens aid". There are women being genuinely abused that need the help. It doesn't sit right with me clogging up the phone lines (staffed by volunteers) for a disagreement.

OP, shelter is a good idea. They can help advise you of your options. If you're on a low wage it's possible you could get UC top ups to help with rent but that's dependant on how expensive the area you're in is. Citizens advice can help with that. In the mean time don't put any more money into the house. Save everything you can. You probably will still have to pay him rent until you leave but don't pay for anything else.

Abuse doesn't start with beating the crap out of a partner.

Women's Aid absolutely is there to assist with financial abuse, isolation and threats of homelessness. They support women to get out of abusive relationships. Preferably before the hospital visits.