Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend sends abusive ex a leaving card -AIBU to be upset?

144 replies

Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 12:27

Hi first time posting but long-time reader. I have this friend. Supposedly my best friend, we go back years and i have just supported her through a difficult divorce with ironically an abusive partner.

She works with my ex who was abusive in our relationship, which she is fully aware of. He has just been made redundant and is leaving their shared workplace. She has given him a leaving card with her contact details on asking him to keep in touch. I found out through our daughter who saw the card when staying with her father.

I feel really betrayed by her. I know it’s only a card but I could never do the same to her out of loyalty. And asking to keep in touch and leaving contact details?

My post really has 2 parts/queries-

  1. I’m really upset that she would do this, -AIBU?
  2. She is very mentally vulnerable and constantly ringing for a chat and i cant face talking to her as I’m so upset. I don't want to make her mental health worse - what should I do?
Thanks in advance
OP posts:
JMSA · 26/07/2024 17:48

Oh gosh, I would feel really let down by this.
YANBU and hope you're ok Flowers

2Rebecca · 26/07/2024 17:46

Assuming the ex didn't add the phone number in to piss the OP off if he deliberately showed it to his daughter knowing it would upset the OP. That's unlikely but I'd ask a good friend. It doesn't sound as though you'd be sad to see the back of her so maybe reducing contact is the best thing as the card to the ex is just one of several unfriendly or tiresome things she's done

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/07/2024 17:42

He sees it as a win over you - and so does she. She sounds very fucked up and a poisonous person who can only do harm.

Phase her out. She is most certainly not worth it.

MzHz · 26/07/2024 17:42

Yanbu, ice cold should that utter snake.

trust me, my family did similar and I have no contact with any of them anymore, it’s abject betrayal.

romdowa · 26/07/2024 17:37

Mute her number and forget her , she's a snake ! Her mental health is her own responsibility, not yours. You need to protect yourself here.id drop her like a hot potato and never tell her why.

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 17:36

DelphiniumBlue · 26/07/2024 17:29

Yes, I was thinking exactly that.
So when she next calls you , you can say you don’t know how to process the fact she’s asked your abusive ex to stay in touch and has given him her contact details- maybe she’d like to explain her point of view because it looks like betrayal to you.

Show quote history

Thank you. Strange thing is, she’s engaged to someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 17:35

olympicsrock · 26/07/2024 17:27

I don’t know why you are worrying about her mental health when she doesn’t care about yours

Thank you. This is very true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 17:35

senua · 26/07/2024 16:55

in my case the abuse was something that continues whenever he gets the chance
I agree that the 'friend' has behaved badly but, also, have you noticed that ex happened to leave the card where DD could see it ...

He may have set her up. She may also like drama triangles. The two things can both be true.

Yes he seemed to make sure my daughter knew about it and all the details in it. He sees it as a win.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 26/07/2024 17:29

Fraaahnces · 26/07/2024 13:10

I’m guessing she’s hoping that she’s his next Mrs…

Yes, I was thinking exactly that.
So when she next calls you , you can say you don’t know how to process the fact she’s asked your abusive ex to stay in touch and has given him her contact details- maybe she’d like to explain her point of view because it looks like betrayal to you.

olympicsrock · 26/07/2024 17:27

I don’t know why you are worrying about her mental health when she doesn’t care about yours

Candlelights1 · 26/07/2024 17:21

She is utterly vile.
Cut her out.
You have been very naive about her.
I wouldn't trust her as far as I'd throw her.
I wouldn't be diplomatic about it either.

senua · 26/07/2024 16:55

in my case the abuse was something that continues whenever he gets the chance
I agree that the 'friend' has behaved badly but, also, have you noticed that ex happened to leave the card where DD could see it ...

He may have set her up. She may also like drama triangles. The two things can both be true.

pikkumyy77 · 26/07/2024 16:40

F

Velvetcatfur · 26/07/2024 16:27

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 26/07/2024 13:58

F@ck her seriously! Sorry. This really upset me. I’ve had this done to me a couple of times (once my best friend actually invited my rapist over for dinner!) and I have zero tolerance for this kind of disloyalty.
You don’t need her. Ghost away!

Your so called friend didn't believe you op and if he was convicted she's just vile

Priggishsausagebore · 26/07/2024 15:23

There's no way I could be more than barely civil to someone who had abused a friend. In fact I am less friendly with my friend's abusive ex than she is!

I would just withdraw. Be unavailable. If she asks, say "I know you sent a card to ex giving him your contact details and that you are obviously friends with him, and given what he did to me I can't see you as a friend. I wish you all the best "

You could send that preemptively if you want but I don't think I could be bothered. I'm not usually a fan of ghosting but in this situation that's what I would do. She's crossed a line.

Anon4once · 26/07/2024 15:13

She's after him 😬

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 15:04

Mumofteenandtween · 26/07/2024 14:33

To be honest I would have quietly cut her out of my life years ago for being an irritating drama llama. Her sister hates you and her other group of friends hate you?!

What is this - 1991 and guide camp?!

Even if it is true - why - personally I don’t have time to start hating randomers - my life is quite busy - unless they killed my dog I really can’t be arsed with any emotion being vague irritation - why in the world would she share it with you? Just see you and see her sister / other group of friends. It reallly isn’t complicated.

Thank you. Yes it’s perplexed me - it must be a tactic to keep me on her side for whatever reason but it’s always struck me as weird. I used to brush if off but slowly realising its a tactic - albeit an immature one. Divide and conquer and all that. I’m much too old for all this now.

OP posts:
Mumofteenandtween · 26/07/2024 14:33

To be honest I would have quietly cut her out of my life years ago for being an irritating drama llama. Her sister hates you and her other group of friends hate you?!

What is this - 1991 and guide camp?!

Even if it is true - why - personally I don’t have time to start hating randomers - my life is quite busy - unless they killed my dog I really can’t be arsed with any emotion being vague irritation - why in the world would she share it with you? Just see you and see her sister / other group of friends. It reallly isn’t complicated.

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 14:31

StripeyDeckchair · 26/07/2024 14:28

YANBU to be upset by her behaviour - she has crossed a line.

In your shoes I would take a number if large steps back from this relationship and, if asked, would be clear why.

  • you crossed a line in your communication with my abusive Ex
  • I don't trust you not to give my Ex information about me & my life that he is not entitled to & I don't want him to know

Thank you. This is really helpful - I will use this 💙

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 14:31

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/07/2024 14:18

Is it possible that your ex has deliberately cultivated her friendship as a way of getting to you? So she thinks that he likes her when it's actually just so he can get at any of your secrets/know what you're doing at all times/make sure that you don't have a friend?

Bring brutal about it, she's still a security risk, whatever the reason for her attachment to him, so you need to protect yourself first and foremost. Can you think of anything you've told her that you wouldn't want him knowing about, like stuff that might affect your safety or anything you've kept secret from your DH, as he's probably going to use that at some point?

Yes the thought of them talking about me to each other behind my back is a reality that has just dawned on me. I think now it’s possible that they were sharing stuff - I have no idea in how much detail. The thought of it is making me feel nauseous. I have told a lot of information to her over the years but not so much recently as the conversations are all one sided with her problems. (Luckily I guess). I will have a think of things she possible could know about though as you make an important point to consider - thank you

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 26/07/2024 14:28

YANBU to be upset by her behaviour - she has crossed a line.

In your shoes I would take a number if large steps back from this relationship and, if asked, would be clear why.

  • you crossed a line in your communication with my abusive Ex
  • I don't trust you not to give my Ex information about me & my life that he is not entitled to & I don't want him to know
NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/07/2024 14:18

Is it possible that your ex has deliberately cultivated her friendship as a way of getting to you? So she thinks that he likes her when it's actually just so he can get at any of your secrets/know what you're doing at all times/make sure that you don't have a friend?

Bring brutal about it, she's still a security risk, whatever the reason for her attachment to him, so you need to protect yourself first and foremost. Can you think of anything you've told her that you wouldn't want him knowing about, like stuff that might affect your safety or anything you've kept secret from your DH, as he's probably going to use that at some point?

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 14:05

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 26/07/2024 13:58

F@ck her seriously! Sorry. This really upset me. I’ve had this done to me a couple of times (once my best friend actually invited my rapist over for dinner!) and I have zero tolerance for this kind of disloyalty.
You don’t need her. Ghost away!

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry that’s awful 😞 why do people do these things? I hope you’re ok now

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright3 · 26/07/2024 14:04

She is not your friend .

i would not trust her as far as I could throw her ..

I think as you get older you either decide to challenge things or just decide some people aren’t worth it .

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 14:04

tattygrl · 26/07/2024 13:43

You're not policing who she can and can't be friends with by feeling hurt, OP. Giving her an ultimatum would be, but it hardly looks like you're about to do that.

I couldn't remain friends, or friendly, with someone who had abused an old friend of mine. I just couldn't. All I have to do is imagine my close friends, then imagine they had an abusive ex (don't have to imagine with some of them), then think "hmm, would I send the abusive ex a warm, friendly card with my contact details in?"

The answer is a no brainer.

Yes sadly I’m coming to this realisation. This isn’t the first time she’s done something insensitive or hurtful but it’s the straw that’s broke the camels back so to speak. Now to be brave enough to tell her…

OP posts: