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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend sends abusive ex a leaving card -AIBU to be upset?

144 replies

Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 12:27

Hi first time posting but long-time reader. I have this friend. Supposedly my best friend, we go back years and i have just supported her through a difficult divorce with ironically an abusive partner.

She works with my ex who was abusive in our relationship, which she is fully aware of. He has just been made redundant and is leaving their shared workplace. She has given him a leaving card with her contact details on asking him to keep in touch. I found out through our daughter who saw the card when staying with her father.

I feel really betrayed by her. I know it’s only a card but I could never do the same to her out of loyalty. And asking to keep in touch and leaving contact details?

My post really has 2 parts/queries-

  1. I’m really upset that she would do this, -AIBU?
  2. She is very mentally vulnerable and constantly ringing for a chat and i cant face talking to her as I’m so upset. I don't want to make her mental health worse - what should I do?
Thanks in advance
OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 14:06

Maray1967 · 28/07/2024 14:02

Drop this ‘friend’ right now - she isn’t a friend. Her behaviour is awful. I think you need to accept this one is over, and move on. How on earth can anyone have a close friendship with someone who is probably feeding the information back to someone you really do not want it to go to?

I know sadly I think you’re right.

OP posts:
Notamum12345577 · 28/07/2024 14:05

Leeds2 · 26/07/2024 12:38

I would be dropping the friend completely. Your ex will inevitably be contacting her to find out as much information about you as he can. And she will tell him everything she knows.
i would also be wondering why she didn’t tell you herself that she had done this.

Well he could have done that for years anyway as they have worked together for years

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 14:02

I’m a bit thrown by the response being so dismissive. Zero fucks given by her. I feel so stupid being worked up over it as she doesn’t care! This just proves how used I’ve been over the years.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 28/07/2024 14:02

Drop this ‘friend’ right now - she isn’t a friend. Her behaviour is awful. I think you need to accept this one is over, and move on. How on earth can anyone have a close friendship with someone who is probably feeding the information back to someone you really do not want it to go to?

Candlelights1 · 28/07/2024 13:57

I'll bet she's "shocked".

Shocked that you have said anything.
Shocked that you wouldn't suck up her appalling behaviour as always.
Shocked you are not as big a mug as she has always thought you to be.

Take your space but if you speak to her again, be 100% sure that she will have even less respect for you than she does now.

I have No doubt thar she has broken your confidence to her.

I wouldn't worry about her for a second.
She's a manipulative user and you have been totally used.

Fathomless · 28/07/2024 13:56

Tell her you're shocked at her disloyalty after all the support you've given her as you thought of her as a friend.

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 13:41

She replied saying ‘sorry you feel this way’. And that she’s ‘shocked’.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 28/07/2024 13:15

Probably because she has used her “issues” to manipulate you and get away with bad behaviour for so many years right up until she crossed the final line.

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 13:12

Just plucked up the courage to message her as she’s pestering me to talk. I explained my position and said I need space to think. Why do I feel terrible? I feel sick with worry about upsetting her. Anyway I’ll wait and see what she says if she does

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 19:09

Thjen · 26/07/2024 18:43

What a snake she sounds.

I’d be telling her - look, I find you giving my abusive ex husband a card wanting to stay in touch disloyal to me. So please would you not contact me again. Thanks.

You say she’s mentally vulnerable - perhaps, instead of seeking support from you, she could seek support from your ex husband. He being vulnerable is not a licence to behave this way.

Yes I’m always worried about upsetting her and treating her gently in case she’s upset but she has no consideration for me, you’re right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 19:08

DeeCeeCherry · 26/07/2024 18:32

A true friend wouldn't do that. In your shoes I'd back off and fade her out. Always have something else to do If she calls/messages. Then stop taking her calls/messages. If they do keep in touch their most common bond is likely to be gossiping about you. Life's too short for toxic people, what would you want or need a 'friend' like that for anyway? It's pointless.

Yes this is the last straw I feel. I’ve always made excuses for her behaviour and given the benefit of the doubt but this has just made me really upset and over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 19:06

CovertPiggery · 26/07/2024 18:28

Agreed. Or if they do, it's because she's made up lies about you.

In a way, she's done you a favour by doing this so you can say goodbye to her drama.

Show quote history

Thanks yes I can’t believe I’ve been so naive all these years.

OP posts:
Catoo · 26/07/2024 18:57

She lied to you about people hating you. And likely lied to them saying you hated them too.

There would be no need to add her number into a card if they are already good friends. So I doubt they have been close all these years.

Sounds desperate putting her number in a card. Have you ever needed to do that with a colleague? I mean you’re already friends with each others number or you aren’t.

Possibly your ex wrote it himself. Certainly he deliberately wanted DC to see it.

So, I think there are two possible options I’d go for. First, ask her directly, did you write an individual card to ex asking to stay in touch? If so, why? See what she says.

Or just block her. All that people ‘hating you’ stuff would likely be enough for me to just go straight to this option and get on with life without her in it.

Thjen · 26/07/2024 18:43

What a snake she sounds.

I’d be telling her - look, I find you giving my abusive ex husband a card wanting to stay in touch disloyal to me. So please would you not contact me again. Thanks.

You say she’s mentally vulnerable - perhaps, instead of seeking support from you, she could seek support from your ex husband. He being vulnerable is not a licence to behave this way.

DeeCeeCherry · 26/07/2024 18:32

A true friend wouldn't do that. In your shoes I'd back off and fade her out. Always have something else to do If she calls/messages. Then stop taking her calls/messages. If they do keep in touch their most common bond is likely to be gossiping about you. Life's too short for toxic people, what would you want or need a 'friend' like that for anyway? It's pointless.

CovertPiggery · 26/07/2024 18:28

DinaofCloud9 · 26/07/2024 18:25

Yea I don't believe all these people hate you. She's a lying cow.

Agreed. Or if they do, it's because she's made up lies about you.

In a way, she's done you a favour by doing this so you can say goodbye to her drama.

ebadame · 26/07/2024 18:27

The card wouldn't bother me. People do stuff on autopilot- leaving = card. Especially if she'd worked with him a while.

The number and message. Bang out of order

DinaofCloud9 · 26/07/2024 18:25

Yea I don't believe all these people hate you. She's a lying cow.

Normallynumb · 26/07/2024 18:23

YANBU
I'd actually block her for this
She knows how abusive he's been to you
A true friend has your back

botheredand · 26/07/2024 18:21

Sorry but fuck her, you're one friend lighter. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 18:19

whatafaf · 26/07/2024 17:58

Why does her sister and all her other friends hate you? Is it because she has been slagging you off to them?

To be honest, I have never asked why. If there was a new friend on the scene they would ‘hate’ me according to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 18:16

Letsgocamping67 · 26/07/2024 17:49

EX aside it’s funny that she’s the common denominator between you and all these people that “hate” you. She’s a stirrer.

Oh yes that’s true! Not great for my self esteem always wondering if there’s something wrong with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 18:15

2Rebecca · 26/07/2024 17:46

Assuming the ex didn't add the phone number in to piss the OP off if he deliberately showed it to his daughter knowing it would upset the OP. That's unlikely but I'd ask a good friend. It doesn't sound as though you'd be sad to see the back of her so maybe reducing contact is the best thing as the card to the ex is just one of several unfriendly or tiresome things she's done

Thanks, I’ll ask her if/when I speak to her. I wouldn’t put it past him tbh

OP posts:
whatafaf · 26/07/2024 17:58

Why does her sister and all her other friends hate you? Is it because she has been slagging you off to them?

Letsgocamping67 · 26/07/2024 17:49

EX aside it’s funny that she’s the common denominator between you and all these people that “hate” you. She’s a stirrer.