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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend sends abusive ex a leaving card -AIBU to be upset?

144 replies

Schnauzer21 · 26/07/2024 12:27

Hi first time posting but long-time reader. I have this friend. Supposedly my best friend, we go back years and i have just supported her through a difficult divorce with ironically an abusive partner.

She works with my ex who was abusive in our relationship, which she is fully aware of. He has just been made redundant and is leaving their shared workplace. She has given him a leaving card with her contact details on asking him to keep in touch. I found out through our daughter who saw the card when staying with her father.

I feel really betrayed by her. I know it’s only a card but I could never do the same to her out of loyalty. And asking to keep in touch and leaving contact details?

My post really has 2 parts/queries-

  1. I’m really upset that she would do this, -AIBU?
  2. She is very mentally vulnerable and constantly ringing for a chat and i cant face talking to her as I’m so upset. I don't want to make her mental health worse - what should I do?
Thanks in advance
OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 29/07/2024 16:41

Sassybooklover · 29/07/2024 16:24

If it has been a group card, then for appearance sake, I would understand it may make things awkward. However, she gave him a card personally, asked him to keep in touch and gave him her contact details. Why would someone want to stay in contact with a person, they know has been abusive in a past relationship? It makes no sense, especially as she has gotten out of an abusive marriage. It's not as if she has no clue! I understand that your relationship with him and her working relationship with him are different, and he hasn't been abusive towards her. It's almost as if she's compartmentalized her feelings towards each side of him, keeping them separate. Abusive X is an a33hole but Work X is a nice guy! It's odd behaviour. I think you need to ask her why she has done this? Explain your child saw the card. Tell her you feel horribly let down by her. Other posters are correct, there's no need to be nasty, but her MH is not your problem. If she can't give you any real reason why she did this, then in my opinion she's not a friend and it's time to part ways.

Thanks. Yes those are my thoughts. She didn’t know I knew she wrote her number on there. I thought I’d call her bluff, and as expected she said it was only a card. I’ve now told her I know that she had left contact details and asked to stay in touch with him. I’ve asked her why. She continues to imply I’m being irrational which is hugely triggering!

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 29/07/2024 16:24

If it has been a group card, then for appearance sake, I would understand it may make things awkward. However, she gave him a card personally, asked him to keep in touch and gave him her contact details. Why would someone want to stay in contact with a person, they know has been abusive in a past relationship? It makes no sense, especially as she has gotten out of an abusive marriage. It's not as if she has no clue! I understand that your relationship with him and her working relationship with him are different, and he hasn't been abusive towards her. It's almost as if she's compartmentalized her feelings towards each side of him, keeping them separate. Abusive X is an a33hole but Work X is a nice guy! It's odd behaviour. I think you need to ask her why she has done this? Explain your child saw the card. Tell her you feel horribly let down by her. Other posters are correct, there's no need to be nasty, but her MH is not your problem. If she can't give you any real reason why she did this, then in my opinion she's not a friend and it's time to part ways.

SecretWitch · 29/07/2024 16:11

Schnauzer21 · 29/07/2024 15:49

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry for this. That must have been so difficult for you. These people are awful! Did she ever apologise? Or could she just not see that she was in the wrong?

Show quote history

No she did not. I should have given her the boot when she did a few other underhanded things to me but I’ve known her for so long. I didn’t want to give up on our friendship until she crossed that line

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 29/07/2024 15:49

SecretWitch · 29/07/2024 15:42

Op, I lost an old friend because she gave a positive reference for a job in law enforcement to my ex. I told her how he sexually assaulted me three times and had photos of the bruising.

I went no contact with her immediately and blocked her everywhere

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry for this. That must have been so difficult for you. These people are awful! Did she ever apologise? Or could she just not see that she was in the wrong?

OP posts:
SecretWitch · 29/07/2024 15:42

Op, I lost an old friend because she gave a positive reference for a job in law enforcement to my ex. I told her how he sexually assaulted me three times and had photos of the bruising.

I went no contact with her immediately and blocked her everywhere

Candlelights1 · 29/07/2024 15:24

Work protocol my arse. Snake.

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 29/07/2024 15:19

she has just messaged me (i cant bare to block her yet) saying she was just being civil to a work colleague. And ‘im sorry that what is a bit of work protocol has caused you so much distress’.

just a more detailed version of I’m sorry for your reaction. No apology.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 29/07/2024 13:09

She is for the bin. Block. Delete. Deny access.

Candlelights1 · 29/07/2024 13:04

Definitely block and take EVERYTHING she has ever said to you as bullshit.

She's a snake.

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 29/07/2024 12:45

Fraaahnces · 28/07/2024 23:50

Wow…. What a friend. I assume you’ve blocked her dodgy butt in every way possible? Does she owe you money?

Not yet - should I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 29/07/2024 12:42

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/07/2024 23:58

If all her other friends and relations 'hate' you... that keeps you away from them, stops you sharing details with them/them sharing details with you... details that may reveal that her version of events is not accurate.

Neatly ensures you only ever get her narrative.

Show quote history

Yes 🙌 it’s so manipulative! I don’t understand how anyone can even think like this? It’s madness isn’t it?

OP posts:
maddening · 29/07/2024 00:01

Velvetcatfur · 26/07/2024 13:33

The fact that she wants to stay in touch with him by putting her number on the card suggests they have become friends and friends talk about people they know between themselves. I would not tell her anything from now on . Did she slag down you r ex to you ? If she did she's treacherous and two faced . I bet she's talked about you loads .

If she were already v close with him she wouldn't need to put her number in the card, he would already have it or contact via social media

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/07/2024 23:58

Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 19:44

Yes her words were ‘wow! Shocked at this. Sorry you feel this way.’ Then went on to say she sent cards to loads of people who were leaving the same day from a batch of ‘emergency cards’. 🙄

it’s been the ongoing theme for years. Her sister hates me, has always hated me. Certain friends of her dislike me etc. yes I don’t believe a word of it now but I did before. Made me feel like shit but kept me loyal as she was obviously defending me to these people against non existent hate 🤦‍♀️

Show quote history

If all her other friends and relations 'hate' you... that keeps you away from them, stops you sharing details with them/them sharing details with you... details that may reveal that her version of events is not accurate.

Neatly ensures you only ever get her narrative.

Fraaahnces · 28/07/2024 23:50

Wow…. What a friend. I assume you’ve blocked her dodgy butt in every way possible? Does she owe you money?

ChoccieCornflake · 28/07/2024 22:49

She sounds bloody awful, but don't beat yourself up - the fact you believed her and tried to help just shows you're a lovely kind person. One who she very much does not deserve. Be kind to yourself, and don't take any of her awfulness as a comment on you or anything you did

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2024 19:47

Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 19:44

Yes her words were ‘wow! Shocked at this. Sorry you feel this way.’ Then went on to say she sent cards to loads of people who were leaving the same day from a batch of ‘emergency cards’. 🙄

it’s been the ongoing theme for years. Her sister hates me, has always hated me. Certain friends of her dislike me etc. yes I don’t believe a word of it now but I did before. Made me feel like shit but kept me loyal as she was obviously defending me to these people against non existent hate 🤦‍♀️

Show quote history

Hmm, she sounds ridiculous. I doubt very much her friends hate you, why would they? Do they even know you? I think she’s a bitch, which is a horrible thing for you to have to realise, but the card to your ex is a mad betrayal.

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 19:44

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2024 19:22

She’s shocked that you’re upset?!

Why do her sister/friends hate you? Is that what she’s said? Or has she been telling them shit to make them hate you? I suspect the latter.

Yes her words were ‘wow! Shocked at this. Sorry you feel this way.’ Then went on to say she sent cards to loads of people who were leaving the same day from a batch of ‘emergency cards’. 🙄

it’s been the ongoing theme for years. Her sister hates me, has always hated me. Certain friends of her dislike me etc. yes I don’t believe a word of it now but I did before. Made me feel like shit but kept me loyal as she was obviously defending me to these people against non existent hate 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 19:40

sausawyee · 28/07/2024 18:45

I had a similar situation with a friend who met my soon to be ex H for lunches and told her I wouldn't see her in future as I wouldn't have felt comfortable meeting her and talking to her knowing this. She was very defensive too. I just didn't see her anymore.

Wow! Sorry your friend did that to you. I think its a ‘pick me’ thing

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/07/2024 19:22

She’s shocked that you’re upset?!

Why do her sister/friends hate you? Is that what she’s said? Or has she been telling them shit to make them hate you? I suspect the latter.

sausawyee · 28/07/2024 18:47

To add my ex h did this with a few friends - invited them - and even asked my best friend to meet up with him and his affair partner. She said no. What do they think they are doing ?

sausawyee · 28/07/2024 18:45

I had a similar situation with a friend who met my soon to be ex H for lunches and told her I wouldn't see her in future as I wouldn't have felt comfortable meeting her and talking to her knowing this. She was very defensive too. I just didn't see her anymore.

Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 14:13

1VY · 28/07/2024 14:09

A single woman asking a single man to” keep in touch “ and giving her number only has one thing in mind. And it’s not career advice 🙄

If they were already close friends she wouldn’t have to give him her number.

Yeah, it’s odd isn’t it? They’re both in relationships too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 14:11

MzHz · 28/07/2024 14:06

That’s not even a fucking apology!

that’s a non apology!

just block her. Don’t engage further unless it’s “Non-apology NOT accepted, have a nice life. Bye”

snake. Total fucking snake.

Show quote history

Nope. No remorse. The response proves to me that she’s fine mentally too. I’ve been so stupid!!!

OP posts:
1VY · 28/07/2024 14:09

A single woman asking a single man to” keep in touch “ and giving her number only has one thing in mind. And it’s not career advice 🙄

If they were already close friends she wouldn’t have to give him her number.

MzHz · 28/07/2024 14:06

Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 13:41

She replied saying ‘sorry you feel this way’. And that she’s ‘shocked’.

That’s not even a fucking apology!

that’s a non apology!

just block her. Don’t engage further unless it’s “Non-apology NOT accepted, have a nice life. Bye”

snake. Total fucking snake.