To find it really, really hard how much screen my teen wants

OP, do you REALLY realise it's the world he's in now? It sounds like you're just paying lip service to that idea.
People have jobs that necessitate 8-10h of computer time a day.
I don't relish a computerised world (as it's not my thing) but I'm slightly envious of people who feel like fish in water there.

I didn't game but my twin brother did - in those days when one had to go to Internet cafes to play with others. At 13 and 14 he'd go missing for the night and not come home until he turned up red-eyed at the school the next morning. Our DM nearly lost her sanity and we were convinced he must be on drugs.
And yet, it did no lasting harm. He's like a computer machine himself now, his speed is astounding, he still games occasionally on an evening and he is a manufacturing director in a large tech company.
I was the studious one, non-gamer and the one who kept company to my grandparents during nightly card games. I don't have a glorious career, haven't owned a TV for 22 years and still single-finger poke type...
Shoulda' gamed more 😂

He'll be alright!!

I think that sounds like a really good balance, tbh. It’s pretty similar to my teens.

You’re still treating him a bit like he’s 11-12, just out of primary, not 13 nearly 14, heading towards greater independence and self-regulation. He won’t learn self-regulation if he doesn’t get the chance to practice it, and failing to regulate (like failing at any skill) is part of the learning curve.

I’d particularly not worry about the evening TV. We watch something most nights as a family - maybe you should join your DH with DS in the evenings and get into a drama series together?

I think others have covered lots on perspectives on screen time, so I just wanted to jump in on the side of being pro-jigsaw. They're great!! I put on a podcast, video or music and work away at a jigsaw on my dining room table whenever I get chance. It is so satisfying and soothing. Obviously it's not high-octane thrills, but it's lovely for a kind of brain massage. You can sort of switch off and think at the same time. I don't see why people have to try and make themselves sound too cool for school and sneer about it.

Don’t be an arse @Screamingabdabz

Sounds like you are doing really well OP, just keep doing what you are doing!

And I completely get family jigsaws, never thought of doing this, sounds very relaxing and fun.

I hear you OP. My two are 13 and 15 and I hate the amount of time they are phones and tablets. I’m even finding myself suggesting they watch telly as it seems less “intense” than huddling over a phone.

If it gives you any consolation though DS is talking about selling his xBox 🤯 as he doesn’t use it anymore. There was one point in our lives when I thought it would have to be surgically removed from him.

But I do understand- and everyone here will tell you you’re being controlling but screens are so unbelievably addictive and no-one will ever convince me they are not damaging to us all. I am sure ADHD traits have rocketed massively since the advent of short form content.

So, in short, no advice, but I totally understand.

Oh God, I lost the gaming battle years ago! DS1 used to be obsessed with Five Nights at Freddy's, Bendy and the Ink Machine, Fortnite, Minecraft. I was so stressed trying to negotiate with him and just stopped. He is now 16 and only games occasionally. He might become obsessed with a game now and then for a week or two, but mostly he just wants to be out with his mates. He detached himself from gaming in his own time. I still can't believe it to be honest!

Des he have friends he could meet up with?

They could go to the local leisure centre/lido for a swim, take their bikes/skateboards to a skatepark, go to the cinema?

do a search for local youth centres that offer school holiday meets up so he can hang around with people his own age.

Do you need everyone to agree with you op? That’s the very definition of controlling.

It’s 2024. What teen is going to sit and do a puzzle.

Stop treating games like the devil. They require skills and decision making. They’re social. They’re fun. They’re even recommending them to older people to keep the brain active.

It sounds like he's got a really full life. In the holidays we remove screen restrictions almost fully and our DC self regulate. They generally get a good balance. Is it worth attempting a more relaxed approach and see if he self regulates?

Nothing wrong with jigsaws or getting him to play a board game as a family but aside from that I’d just let him start to organise himself a bit more unless you have concerns around screens and his behaviour .

You sound like you’re doing an amazing job OP. What a lucky lad that you’re working so hard to engage him and keep him family facing. Bloody love a jigsaw. Even if he’s spending too long on it at least you’re there putting some restrictions in place. Teenagers are absolutely obsessed with their phones/gaming and so often there is no effort to try to get them back into the real world. I’m a teacher and have kids telling me they spend 11/12 hours a day on a screen at the weekend. It’s horrifying.

Nothing wrong with jigsaws. We occasionally have one on the go, and all of us dip in and out of doing a few pieces when we're in the mood. With screens, I think that not all screen time is equal. We tend to have family screens in the evenings, where we all watch something together, or me and the kids will watch a show we like - I see this as family time where we spend time and laugh together about what we're watching. If your son is watching a show in the evenings with his dad, I'd probably let that go. It seems like he's doing lots of other things during the day so I wouldn't be too worried.

I think you need to get tech savvy and let the tech do the work for you. Rather than feeling like a nag just set up access so he physically cannot use these things at certain times of day.

Honestly I have the same worry about my 13 year old. I don't limit screen time when he's at home just can't go on until after lunch and still has to do his chores etc. He goes out a couple of times a week to meet his mates and then does something with me on a weekend. Playing online games is how he socializes so I'm not as rigid in the summer hols.

Carry on op. I think you have the right balance there.
There's nothing wrong with watching tv but too much gaming can be a problem.
Get him into good habits now as it's harder when they're 16 and gaming instead of studying for their GCSEs.

What we see: teens being zombies in front of a screen and not moving for hours.

What my 14yo does: chats to mates, watches shows, writes coding, plays games, discusses games, does homework, reads about new games or games strategies...and other things I look blankly at him when he explains 😂

I don't think it's as bad as we initially think. It's perfectly acceptable for an adult to spend their evening in front of a quiz show, then a couple of soaps, then a drama - on a screen for four hours...

He’s nearly 14- leave him alone !
he’s not doing anything unusual for this day and age . Yes you do sound controlling - he’s not a toddler ! Let him make his own choices on how to spend his down time !

That's much less screen time than my DS of the same age is getting!

If he's seeing friends, doing sports, eating, washing and maintaining a good-humoured relationship with you and the rest of the family, I don't think you should worry

Stop being so hard on yourself OP. It sounds like your son has a better balance than a lot of 13/14 years olds.