To find it really, really hard how much screen my teen wants

I've only read the OP but you sound like you are doing a fantastic job. Keep doing what you are doing. I know it's hard.

i totally get you. I was lucky that DS got into sports around this age. It wasn;t anything I did. He just fell intos sports. He's now 20 and has just bought himself a Nintendo, but hopefully he will be smart enough to regulate his use. I am not that sure 14 year olds can, and I would struggle with it.

Nowt wrong with a jigsaw! DS rolled in from the pub a couple of weeks ago with a mate and I came down to check on the dog (who had just had an op) and the two of them were sitting at the dining room table drinking buds and doing the jigsaw that I'd left on the dining room table. 🤣

I also used to worry about his screen time, but the older he gets, the more he manages his time better IMO.

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time tbh, I can understand where you're coming from as it feel like without input from me my 3 would be on a screen all the time and a screen is the default option when they are bored. None of them read books any more which makes me sad.

When I think about it though they actually do a lot, it's just I am so used to thinking about my own childhoods I assume it is wrong to have more than 30 mins watching TV a day as that is what I had. In reality, its fine to have chill days, some days they watch more and some less.

I also love a jigsaw and we have family lego which we all chip in at completing, we just don't sit down and have it as an activity anymore.

I admit I have told DC that I won't count watching live TV as screentime, ridiculous I know but I'm hoping they might accidentally educate themselves by watching something quality for once.

I'm the same. It seems mad when my parents were always telling me to switch off the TV in the 80s! But at least with our telly, it feels different from the PC because it's in the front room so it gets them out of their rooms; it's a sociable activity (sometimes); it's a talking point; and as you say, it teaches them a little about the world. I'm not against gaming per se, but the insularity of it worries me sometimes.

Ignore the rude posters here. I have a teen and often feel similar. Each day we do some constructive things like doing a bit of learning, also jigsaws, walks and board games. He does have a few hours gaming with friends, but I am being fairly lenient because it gives him safe interaction with friends (better than traipsing around town) and I have made it clear that the reason he is allowed to play a lot now is that when term starts he will have more homework and so no gaming in the week. We do watch TV in the evenings but that is nice family time. I think that you are doing a good job of providing balance and that is ok.

OP, plenty will tell you on here you’re wildly unreasonable and every teen can and should have all the screen time they need as part of healthy emotional maturation.

But there’s a reason Silicon Valley CEOs don’t let their teens have smartphones - they’re designed to be addictive, and these guys know exactly how much they alter - even hinder - brain development. They aren’t good for any of us, but young people with plastic brains have a far greater risk of longterm issues from heavy screen use than older people.

On top of that, gaming and phone screens are totally different to watching TV/reading/whatever other “equivalent” someone wants to present as comparable. They use different parts of the brain and watching even the most emotional images on a TV screen don’t have the same developmental implications as the same things on social media or computer games.

YANBU, OP. I hate that parents are put in this position now where something we’ll look back on as hugely damaging to children is forcibly normalised by tech companies, and embraced by people who can’t be bothered to parent.

I get it OP. I have a teen the same age and I don’t like him being sat glued to a screen for huge chunks of time, Mine doesn’t like jigsaws these does but he does like board games and also the escape room type games you can get which are good to do as a family.

It sounds like your son has a nice balance of activities so I think it’s just a case of relaxing as he gets older.

I have given up the screen argument with DS16, it caused immeasurable conflict and drama and had more of a negative impact on our family life than the issue in the first place. To be honest I'm delighted to see him occasionally gaming chatting to friends rather than on tik tok. The issue I have is walking around the house watching tik tok and not engaging, or eating while watching a phone. I choose my battles and they are the only basic rules. He is very outdoors and active so it's not a huge concern.

Younger DS 11 could watch screens all day, moving from tablet to switch etc. I have now blocked YouTube during the week on all devices. I don't mind gaming especially ones where you play with friends. We do have daily screen limits but they are 2 hours week days and often more at weekends, I feel it's too liberal but the alternative is constant stress. He also needs more time than other as he is ND and needs to regulate after school.

I admit I have told DC that I won't count watching live TV as screentime, ridiculous I know but I'm hoping they might accidentally educate themselves by watching something quality for once.

".. I feel depressed by his draw to the screen. ""

I would focus on why you feel this way - what's going on there for you? Was your upbringing a particular way and you want to match that? Or perhaps the opposite and you want more for him?

I wonder if it's because you're feeling exhausted from battling with him over it? I wonder if he's annoyed with you because this is how his friends socialise because they talk about gaming when together?

I don't know any of the above, but this seems more about your feelings than his.

Why do you think that is? What, specifically, bothers you about it so much?

He’s as happy as a pig in muck.

Loads of friends who he sees all the time. He’s Mr Sociable. Despite screens.

And as he as loads of friends who do the same thing it must be something they enjoy.

Is this really ‘the life of Riley’? Each to their own I suppose but Christ that sounds bleak.

DD1 was like that around that age, literally wouldn’t do anything else unless forced to. I used to make her go for bike rides and say “It’s for the good of your health!” which made me sound exactly like my grandma! She still loves gaming now at 18 but has grown out of wanting to be on screens 24/7.

Don’t worry too much as long as he’s doing some kind of physical activity and has friends from real life, even if he mostly chats to them online. I think the worrying thing is if they get involved with dodgy forums and spend all their time communicating with incels or something.

I completely understand OP. The problem is it’s so normalised now that kids and teens spend hours a day on screens that you feel like the weird one when you feel uncomfortable about it. But there’s loads of research showing the negative effects of screen time on developing brains. The screen time solution is a good read- I don’t think there are any easy solutions to be honest, but it does at least make you feel better that you’re not alone in worrying about it, and that’s it’s a relatively new and very real struggle that parents today face, trying to get that balance right.

I do think it sounds like your DS has less screen time than many, but equally completely relate to that feeling that any second they’re not actively engaged in something or entertained in some way- they want a screen. Mine are younger than yours but we have screen free days-and yes they sometimes complain they are bored, but generally find something to occupy themselves after a while. I think it’s good for them to be bored sometimes. Sorry so massive help (and I know I’ll struggle a lot more when they’re older) but sending solidarity!

If you hate it on here, why ask?

Honestly you’re being ridiculous. A lot of the gaming or on his phone is part of socialising as an only child. And what’s wrong with him wanting to sit and watch a show on tv in the evening with his dad?

Im not saying unlimited screen time all the time is the way to go but your expectations seem way off.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow
Yes - I don't disagree. I'm not blaming computer games. He's made a lot of good friends through it. His friends are able to self regulate now they are adults. DS isn't. I wish we had set more limits.

Christ alive.

There's nothing wrong with the jigsaws. I like jigsaws myself, ffs. People are just saying that it's not something you can really expect a teenager to want to do with his parents all the time. Your son isn't a little boy any more.

You've asked for advice and you've got plenty of it, most of it coming from a good place and aimed at helping you to chill out about something that seems to be causing you disproportionate anxiety and stress, when it really doesn't need to. I asked why the 'screens' thing bothers you so much because you genuinely do seem really panicked about it, and it's a shame to be over-stressed like that about something that's pretty normal, that's all. People are wanting you to relax and be less anxious/stressed, that's all.

OP, just let it go, honestly, the only person you're working up about this is yourself (and maybe those around you )

We have a lot of screen time here, more than I'd like sometimes, but WFH & childcare combo means that sometimes it just is what it is. I do find that it really helps DS knowledge of the world around him, the things that he knows about current affairs and just what's going on generally is truly impressive.

It sounds like you're doing your best to try to maintain a good balance, and that's just fine.

Yeah my ds now 30 works from home.

He had 2 screens. One for work and one for games with his mates who also work from home.

He’s got the life of riley.

I actually find that restricting screens per day has the opposite effect of what I'm going for and just means that gaming is this special time-limited activity. it seems to feed an obsession! I tend to let DS bore himself to tears for a day or two gaming/screens and then he finds he feels listless and bored and I can sympathise and make a few suggestions and then he's really up for getting out and about. I also found at the start of the holidays he was exhausted and needed a couple of days doing nothing and catching up on rest.

I think it depends on the DC's personality though whether they'd get to that bored state and want to do something different. I do feel for you OP as all we hear about is how terrible screens are so it is very normal to feel anxious about DC's use and shows you're a good parent.

But this sounds like undiagnosed ND.

This - except my son at 20 has no job, no work experience, has dropped out of education, has massive anxiety, barely leaves his room & is in no way a fully functioning adult in society.

But most of his friends are fine, have jobs, at uni, have girlfriends & they still spend a lot of time online.

My son is like me, feels different & finds the world hard to navigate. But 40 yrs ago I couldn't hide out online (though I could escape in books to a certain extent). I had to learn how to cope & live & work & support myself.

So I suppose I am saying it depends on the kid.

Do you not watch much TV or use digital stuff to relax - social media etc? How do you spend your free time if you have a choice? If you don’t value screen-based leisure activities yourself it’s not hard to understand why it worries you - but inherently there’s no moral superiority over reading Vs gaming, for example, if someone doesn’t do one to the total exclusion of the other. And your DS sounds like he does and enjoys other things plenty.