Competitive friend

What a dumb bitch. Sure you really want to be friends with her ?

Do you know her parents? I'd say she probably grew up around family who valued being small/the baby/ the youngest etc and that once they got to a certain age everyone ignored them. Is she the sort of person you can ask about this? It will be interesting to see how it pans out as her kids grow up.

This 💯

Ditch her and find some new friends who aren’t dicks.

It won’t pass. She has low self esteem and a desperate need to feel superior to everyone , which she can only achieve by insulting and trying to demean others to boost her own ego. It’s narcissism , and only gets worse with age. Can’t be helped, can’t be cured. The worse she can make you feel, the better she feels about herself. She will pick on the children as they grow up. Toxic toxic toxic, yet narcs can play the victim to get sympathy and keep people on side by being nice some of the time. That’s a game to them . They do lack empathy but have cognitive empathy…they have watched and learned how they should react to appear empathetic. You should distance yourself for your children’s sake, as they will feel the jibes as they grow up and become more aware

I have a friend like this - not the same subjects, but the same type of behaviour. She's quite a together, confident person, so the perpetual need to compare herself to others, reassuring herself that she's better at X or Y always feels odd.
I guess it usually comes down to some form of insecurity and is a hard habit to shift.
I would either grey rock the comments when they're made, or pick her up on specific ones at the time ("That sounds a bit competitive, was it meant to?" type thing). If you try and have a general word about it, it's too easy to minimise or deny.

Could the competition be that she can see you're never fussed by anything she has to say in relation to competition and she wants to intentionally trigger you, so she has won on the sense of being able to get your back up about something when you're usually so level headed?

Could be way off the mark with this, but just trying to understand what her point is of keep going on about it. Your children will always be older than hers. Perhaps there's something in the attention you had before she was pregnant and she's trying to claim that attention back in the younger child stakes.

This does seem very odd, but I am interested in the psychology behind her actions. Can only assume whilst outwardly she seems happy, inside must be a different story.

This definitely.

And they wear you down slowly and surely. This kind of person is really screwed up and makes you question yourself and reality. It is gaslighting. Even if she doesn't do it on purpose she can't help it and will not change. You cannot help her. This is who she is.
Ask yourself OP, why do you think having a friend like this can be good for you and your self-esteem?

She’s sounds very insecure and perhaps lacks self worth. I’d just flip it in the head each time she says something about your child being ‘old’ and positively agree ‘I know, I’m so glad I’m out of the nappy stage’ or ‘it’s amazing how much they learn and grow in such a small space of time’ and if you want to give her a taste of her own medicine maybe add something like ‘don’t worry you’re little one will catch up soon’ or ‘not long before you’ll experience for yourself soon enough’. She’ll soon stop when she realised she hasn’t (and can’t) have one up on you.

I think you are a great friend btw. Your friend has her own issues but you are there to support her and not take them personally as deep down you know it’s not you, it’s her.

She is great fun and to be fair when things are going badly she can be very supportive

I bet she can. Because she's pleased that things are going badly for you and she can step in and be the saviour. Another way in which she 'wins'.

She sounds deeply annoying and boring. I've never heard anyone call a small child 'middle-aged'. Wtf?!

With friends like that, who needs enemies?
I take it her 4 year old didn’t become middle aged like yours did? Her 3.5 year old won’t be middle aged at 4 either. Friends don’t make digs all the time and you’re encouraging and enabling her, even normalising it by accepting it.
She is beyond toxic. I pity her children.

Sounds like the opposite situation with my MIL. SIL’s child was 9 months older than my first and wow, all the comments about mine being ‘behind’! Never younger, just ‘behind’.
It doesn’t stop, SIL’s child has hit puberty earlier and MIL is now constantly making comments, now not just to me, but to my son as well.

With your friend being so competitive, maybe she feels that yours are ‘ahead’ and is trying to negate it with the all the ‘older being bad’ comments. I know how irritating this comparison behaviour is, having endured it myself but honestly it will not stop, so you either take a step back or endure it with as much grace as you can muster.

You say you think she notices her comments annoy you, and instead of backing off, she amps it up. So she's intentionally trying to upset you. And you think she's a friend?
She doesn't see you as a friend, you are simply a narcissist's supply. Any good thing she's done for you is to give you just enough to keep you hanging on, and/or to feed her ego.
I understand you have this shared history, but I would be making sure my friendship with her is history. People who consistently attempt to cause negative feelings are not people I want in my life.

Start pointing out babies and smaller children and point out how elderly her children are in comparison. When she gets sniffy, remind her that that's what she's always like with yours.

She sounds nuts. "Middle aged kids" - WTF?

I think your comment is spot on regarding "queen of all castles". That's not only what she wants/expects to be but she seems to be really anxious about losing her place, a bit like the queen in snow white. No wonder she gets told "you are the fairest".

She sounds utterly self absorbed though, can't even have a normal conversation without obsessing about her top ranking! I don't think I could bear her company.

The insisting her kids are so young/babyish is a bit odd. Must competitive parents are desperate to tell everyone how advanced their entirely ordinary children are.

Clearly an attention seeker. Also an element of low self esteem. She wants your approval to confirm she looks great. Now she seems to be on the 'my kids are better than yours' stage.

Move on from this nonsense. She is all about her. Find another friend'.

Yeah sounds like she's deeply insecure about getting older/being seen as "only" a Mum or something so she has to make her experience so validating - so she puts you down to make herself feel better.

A twat, basically.

Why on earth would you stay friends with someone so odd ?
Her competitiveness will only get worse when the children go to school.
I'd gradually fade out of the "friendship"
She upsets you.
Who needs such drama in their life ?

Your ‘friend’ has real problems with her conversational subject matter, how she processes her thoughts, and how she expresses them.

It’s lovely to have old friends, people you have known through all the earlier stages of your overlapping lives. However it can also warp your sense of loyalty.
Is that shared history now being placed above all other concerns? Have you allowed it stop you from fully reassessing your current feelings about her behaviour to yourself, and more importantly her reaction to your children going forward?
How long will it be before they start to be aware of her attitude towards them and feel uncomfortable about it?

Try to be completely honest with yourself, if you had a more recent friendship with her, would you find her attitude intolerable?

It would be admirable to have an honest conversation with her about it. But ultimately, if she can’t accept how toxic and tedious she is being, (and sadly there is a good chance she won’t) - be prepared to let your old friendship go.

Please nip this in the bud now.
When her children start school she will be unbearable!

To be honest I'm not seeing the need for any of this drama. If a "friend" of mine said my kids were middle aged I'd ask what on earth they were talking about, and to any comparisons I'd remind them there is literally nine months between the kids and to stop being so ridiculous. I wouldn't be "triggered" by it or bang on about it. She sounds like a pain in the arse and I couldn't be bothered being friends with her, but there's something odd in the way you're responding to all this too.

Have you decided what you're going to do about it?

I think it's time you were blunt with her tbh. If she's self aware then she needs to be properly told.