Can ex demand holiday details?

Since you are still going through court, it may be an idea you chat to your solicitor about this. They will be used to this behaviour and will be able to advise you.

Re trackers, get a garage to do this. Yes it will cost, but they should be sympathetic and do a good job. If they find anything you're laughing.

I would advise motion sensor cameras. That way any nocturnal visits, to put trackers in place etc, are recorded.

Not if she is abusive

I have an abusive ex and when he bothered with his children I would tell him where we went on holiday "Blackpool" "london" "Scotland" I wouldn't tell him exactly but he would get a general area

This - you only need permission if you are taking them out of the country. He’s being a dick. Ignore him.

Well done OP for leaving him and for questioning what he's telling you.
I was in a similar situation many years ago. ExH used to insist on daily phone calls to DC and I facilitated it as I though it was in my child's best interest. In hindsight it was all about controlling me. ExH wanted to know what I was doing and that I was at home. Womens aid really helped me
You're doing great. Stay strong and you will learn to trust your instincts again in time.

But not if she was abusive.

In a normal civil relationship, of course it would be courteous to communicate such info.

Please don't lie about where you're going, if he finds out he will throw that at you at every opportunity and question as to whether anything you say in future is true, not because what you say won't be but so he can just keep reminding you of how he caught you out.

Did you miss the bit where he physically assaulted her and has been controlling for some time? That rather changes things, no?

Nope. Sorry. When my ex takes the kids away I'll know it's Cornwall or France, near X or whatever but I have no need to know beyond that.

The thing is, when you split from your child other parent you lose control over a lot of things. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about that but you can decide how much control they continue to have over you.

"Treat others as you wish to be treated" is a nice sentiment but doesn't really work with someone like your ex. Just because you share certain information with him doesn't mean he'll return the favour.

My DHs ex is horrid. When we got together he told her about me when we knew things were serious and he wanted to introduce me to the kids. He thought this was the right thing to do and it probably was. But did she do the same when she met someone? Did she heck. We found out her new boyfriend had moved in after the fact and the poor kids went home to some guy sitting topless on their sofa.

I've learned the hard way to keep information sharing to an absolute minimum. Yes, it's hard not knowing where's she takes my DSD or does on her time but there's nothing we can do about that. So instead we protect our privacy and sanity on our end.

Don't treat him how you would like to be treated. He's an abusive arsehole and will take any opportunity to abuse you. You telling him where you are going this time will absolutely make no difference to him telling you where he takes them on holiday. He will use that information as a weapon regardless of how you reasonable and reciprocal you are. You don't need to act like the better person just protect yourself and your children

Responses on here are bonkers. If this was a woman wanting to know where her kids were going, everybody would be up in arms saying she has the right to know because of course a mother should know where her kids are at all times.

In a normal civil co parenting relationship, it would be reasonable to tell you ex about what the children are up to and let them know about holidays even in the UK - but this isn’t civil due to the context of controlling behaviour and domestic abuse.

You have parental responsibility for your own children and you live in England, so you can take your children wherever you like, you don’t have to ask his permission to go on a holiday anymore than you would have to tell him you are going to the park or to visit you aunt Doris in the next village.

Abroad would be different but generally courts still take a dim view of a parent stopping their children going on holiday to get at their ex.

We had it written into court orders both with my ex and my dh ex. Worked both ways and we shared details a month before.
That being said he can't stop you holidaying in the uk

Someone earlier in the post mentioned airtags and I thought this might be helpful.How to Find an Apple AirTag Hidden in Your Car and Stop It from Tracking You – iDrop News although it could only be in your car as he doesn't see the children. Do you have family nearby that you could borrow a vehicle from that he doesn't know? I would also consider not telling him what day you plan to leave in case he follows you. It's a horrible situation to be in.
I've been where you are as well and it takes a long time to get your head straight and make friends with yourself again! Very happy for you that you have separated from your abuser and I hope you have a very happy future with the wee'uns!

I can completely see why you don’t want to tell him, but playing devils advocate here - eventually there might be a time where he is able to take the children away on his own. Do you think if you withhold information when it comes to the time he could potentially go away with them would you be comfortable not knowing where they were? If he chose to not tell you anything at all as a way of getting back at you? He sounds absolutely awful and he’s clearly being manipulative and controlling, but just something to bare in mind. Better the devil you know I guess. I hope you have a restful holiday and get a chance to relax and unwind a bit, it sounds like you’ve had a stressful time.

edited to add: what I mean is he refuses to tell you as a way of getting back at you

One thing jumped out at me from your posts "he said I had to tell him". Do not take at face value anything he says. Lots of men do this around divorce issues..often if they are the one traditionally dealing with official stuff, with the "big job" and have been used to calling the shots. They tell their stbxw they will not get x,y or z or that they can't do whatever. Usually it's totally bollocks. In a non abusive relationship id say no harm in giving the details but in your case I absolutely wouldn't. You're doing all the right things with boundaries and you'll find the kids find their own dynamic on facetime. It has to be led by them which means probably not a lot of chat. Good luck.

Why does he even know you're going on holiday? Do not give a controlling ex ANY information at all about your lives unless court ordered to do so. It waters down your case if you do, 'he's so abusive yet you volunteered information on your whereabouts to him? You can't be that scared of him' are questions that you WILL be asked if you persist in this manner. And video contact should be 15 mins maximum, you keep hold of the phone & when the child stops engaging, you hang up.

This.

Personally I can't imagine a judge ordering calls given he is using it as a window to abuse you.
Keep details of the aftermath....

He assaulted her!! That ship has sailed.

If it’s a UK holiday he has no say in anything. Tell him you don’t need his permission so him refusing means nothing. I wouldn’t tell him anything about it

If he hit you on your first date would you have agreed to a second date? No of course you wouldn't. He showed you only his best side until you fell in love and then very slowly he began to show his true self, it creeps up on you and he makes you normalise the small changes until he's showing his true colours fully but to you this is just normal 🤷🏼‍♀️ You however found the strength to leave, so many posts on here scream LTB, hell even I've screamed it, but we both know it's really not that straightforward or easy, we did it though and that's what you need to focus on.

Please seek help to change your mindset from victim blaming and guilt to placing the blame where it belongs and being guilt free. It's not easy and you will likely in future kick yourself again as you realise you've allowed behaviour that actually you shouldn't, but each realisation takes you a step closer to being fully free so a small kick but then stride forward 😉

If there’s no court order in place, you don’t have to tell him.

However, with an impending court date, you need to look super reasonable and communicative. On this basis, I would tell him we’re visiting X city with friends/family.

Withholding information about his children could also be deemed as controlling.

I'm a father, separated in late 2017, and well out the other side of a very messy break-up. In the heat of the separation, I wish someone had sat both of us down and firmly asked us this really important question:

What co-parenting relationship do you want with your ex, after all the dust has settled?

Every nasty act, on both sides, will make you less able to successfully co-parent together in the future. And if, deep down, you are good people - trust me - you'll have regrets later about how conducted yourselves during the separation/dispute phase.