Making a move on DH's friend

@suspiciousqueen

Yes, it does feel shit and lonely in an unhappy marriage. Doubly so in an abusive one, be it physical or emotional abuse.

So the best thing to do is get out. Trying to live together 'separately' won't work with an abuser. They get too much joy out of your pain for you to live peaceably.

So, remember those friends? Please get in touch with them. You have nothing to lose by reaching out, and plenty to gain. Same for any family you've lost due to him.

And see a solicitor. It's easy to say "I cannot leave" when you haven't really explored the possibility. The same thing goes for him 'not letting you' take the DC if/when you go. Seeing a solicitor and finding out what divorce might mean to you and the 'whats and wherefores' about child residency is the only way you'll ever know if it's feasible. And I'd be willing to bet there is a way out for you with your DC. Maybe not an easy one or one that comes without a 'cost', but it will probably be worth it to be living in a home that's full of peace and calm.

So, just get yourself educated by a solicitor, that's your first step. Then think carefully about what they say and how you can make it work.

Yes well done op. You have done yourself a favour by not going and flirting. It would only have deepened the hole you are in. Focus on lifting yourself out of it: self care and a plan for what you want. Where do you see yourself in two years time ideally? Work backward to help guide your next steps.

So make moves to leave. You've already said that you're separated, so he can't really expect that you'll all continue to live under the same roof. Do you own the home together? Could either of you afford it on your own? Tell him you're initiating divorce proceedings and the house will need to be sold/or one of you will need to buy the other out.

You don't need his permission to leave. You need to start taking some responsibility for your own happiness and life, you aren't a passive passenger in it, it's YOURS so start figuring it out!

You did the right thing by not going.
Separating is hard, do you have any family near by?

How about starting a new hobby? It would get you out, meet new people and would take your mind off things. Even the gym.

Good luck. It will get better even if it doesn't seem like it now!

I'm glad you didn't go out. Sorry you find yourself in such a shit situation. In your shoes I would start divorce proceedings, you can do this online. Then speak to a solicitor. If you get the ball rolling, it might show your H that the current living situation is untenable. I think you'll feel better when you're living apart,.and he can't rub your nose in it. You need to start building a life for yourself without him in it! Work on your health, go do some exercise classes or join a walking group. Get on Facebook and see if there are any groups near you that you could join, reading clubs for example. You could also do some volunteering etc. Anything that gets you out there. Make a plan that this time next year, you'll be living a happier life than you are now. Good luck 👍

How old are your kids? Sorry if I’ve missed it. There are things you can do for yourself if you feel you’re not in a place to split yet. Get your health and fitness sorted. Look at your finances. Theoretically will you get benefits? Start making plans for what you can do in the future.

I’m so sorry. It’s a shot situation to be in. As hard as it seems, I agree with the PP about building a new life. Are there any hobbies you’ve wanted to try or go back to? Now would be a good time to start!

Them do something about it. He won't as he's happy his situation. Only you can change. Act or put up.

I'm so sorry. I know that feeling. Have you looked at social activities where you're based? I think you need to make a new life for yourself where you can.

Can you look into separating? What's his reasoning for essentially holding you captive?

People who are separated but live in the same house do just communicate about what they need to.

You are separated. You need to start divorce proceedings. That’s when responsibility for the kids and finances will be sorted out.

It’s like you are saying you are separated but still expect it to be like you are together. It is shit getting a divorce. And it can feel lonely. But it’s better what you are doing to yourself now.

Just split up. You are clearly unhappy and over. No need to drag others into your mess and cause drama and upset the fallout of which will affect your innocent children. Grow up and go your separate ways and work on co-parenting. Don’t let the hurt and anger poison your life. Focus on building a better happier future. No room for pettiness and games when kids are involved.

Can you separate? Life does t have to be like this?
ps. Good call not going, you did the right thing!

Your innocent kids will be stuck in the middle of whatever the outcome would be if you did such a childish thing to get back at your DH. If you are so pissed off at him then just leave him!!

Mive on take a reality check he isn't going to be Mr always. Dump him. Get a new life.

Wheres the update?

Be the better person here, don't chase him to the bottom

I'm worried at how immature you sound.

Social worker here. Do you realise how many children are fucked up because they are exposed to their parents acrimonious relationship and silly games. They might not be there that night but I’m sure they will live through the arguments and tension the drama will cause. Think of your children.
Your husband treated you badly. End it and move on. If you have to live together then grow up quickly. Seek support from others but ones which won’t cause drama! For you and the children. If you are done with your husband then don’t go for drinks out with him or his friends. Find new social circles if needed. Find you again!

Just don't. It won't end well.

This is so childish. You sound about 12 or 13 but I’m guessing that doesn’t explain the dc.

I get that you are hurt but all this is doing is making you equally culpable. As well as that you’ll look a right tit.

It's a while since I read something more childish and stupid.

Grow up, both of you.

Have some self respect and END THE RELATIONSHIP FIRST.

Have a couple of years being single so you know yourself again, THEN move on.

Don't play stupid childish games - grow up.

I was in a toxic relationship for 22 years but ended it before doing anything. The 3 children stayed with him. They're now thriving. Staying in the house will do serious damage to your children.

After 30 years you definitely need time on your own.

I'd hate to be your kids having to be around a pair of jerks like you two!

Grow the fuck up. Don't be the same dickhead your DH turned out to be.

If it's that bad, leave with dignity and show your kids how a grown up behaves.