Furious about mums reaction to my cats death

This,

I mean conversation by text is never ideal, but I read what you have posted as her being empathetic and really supportive.

As others have said, your relationship outside of this might be something you want to look at separately, but there is nothing wrong with your Mum's response to this situation. Indeed, it seems very thoughtful and supportive to me.

Your mother has emotional limitations, you know this. I genuinely think she was trying her best to be sympathetic.

Horrid to have pet go
I needed boxes of hankies

I agree. You sound quite emotional - understandably - but people often find it hard to know what to say when pets die. Miscarriage can be similar. I think she was trying to convey that she cared; she probably expected you to say she never cared for him and didn’t want you to feel that. And maybe she felt guilty and it really did hit her hard.
I think you are feeling emotional and taking umbrage where it isn’t really due. Mind -boggled that people are saying go NC .

Me neither.

I don't see the problem.

Sorry for your loss OP 💐 it sounds like your mum has always been self-centered so it probably shouldn't come as a surprise that her response is only about how she feels and not showing concern for you. I wouldn't cut her off right now, as you say you're feeling very upset and emotional at the moment. Give yourself some time and maybe reduce contact a bit in the future.

On it's own, I can't see what you are "furious" about. She acknowledged the death and asked if you are ok? Ok, so she centred herself a bit, but she's always been like that. ETA: so sorry for your loss

There is nothing wrong with your mother’s response. She expressed sadness and even followed up.

If you keep expecting her to be the Mum you wished for/hoped for/wanted her to be, you will keep being disappointed and let down like this.

Either accept her for who she is, which sounds like, not particularly empathic, not compassionate, not really very nice...

Or, cut her off.

But to carry on expecting her to be someone she is not and has never been is only going to hurt you in the long run.

I wish I'd known that when my awful Mother was alive, but it has certainly helped me cope with my Dad who is equally a fairly shitty person.

Perfectly normal responses, you're massively over reacting. Thought I was going to read that she shrugged and said she didn't care.

You could be transferring your anger about your early relationship with her. But her reaction here is reasonable.

Only you know what sort of person your mum is. I don't actually think her reaction to the cat dying is terrible. It could just be her trying to say she cares about what's happened.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't think what she said was that terrible, so I think its more to do with the stuff you mention earlier in your post and this was the final straw and just reminded you of how disappointing she is. Obviously if this causes you to re-assess your relationship that's totally okay.

OP - I don't think you're overreacting at all. I had a similar situation when I told my mum I had to take my cat to the vet as she was very ill. In fact, she had to be PTS and I was devastated.

My mum text about four days later asking how she was and I said she'd been PTS and she just said 'sorry to hear that'. No other follow up, no card or flowers, nothing. I don't have any children so that cat was very important to me. Other friends and family sent flowers and cards, which I was really appreciative of. She was very much a part of mine and my husband's family (we have other animals too).

My mother is emotionally absent, always has been and this is a typical response from her but it doesn't hurt any less just because I expect it. There will always be a part of me that hopes she will be loving and understanding but it never happens.

She's an emotional vampire trying to feed off your sadness and get attention for herself, she will not give attention to you . A great second prize would be the getting attention from conflict, don't give her that. You have every right to expect care and respect from your mother but she's unable to give it. It's sad and disappointing and she's let you down continuously, but you need to accept she is like this and not let her use you or your children to feed her own needs.

I think I understand. She didn't care enough about the cat to look after him herself, and then when you could really use some support she makes it more about her own feelings. I'm surprised by the responses telling you you're overreacting.

We lost a much loved pet a few years ago, young and in a traumatic way. We were absolutely broken, I cried daily for weeks. My MIL (who had met said pet several times but lives a distance away - had maybe looked after pet by herself once, for a couple hours?) reacted in a similar way - in fact, she asked for one of my favourite photos of said pet and secretly had a portrait drawn of them... for herself. Then told me about it like I should be delighted for her? Or maybe jealous? It felt super weird and grief vulture-y. I don't doubt that she was upset but it certainly wasn't helpful to me. So, I get it!

I'm really sorry about your cat, OP. It sounds like you gave him a wonderful, stable home, with so much love and care. I know how awful it feels now, but it will get easier with time. Take care of yourself.

She expressed she was sad about the cats death. She asked how you were. She then follows up later expressing sadness. What is wrong with you? You text her…she replies expressing sadness and asks how you are.

That all sounds normal to me. I've never expected anything more from anyone when my pets have died. I've probably not given much more myself.

Some people are big emoters, others care just as much, but in fewer words. I'm one of the latter, and being in receipt of much emoting from others makes me uncomfortable.

I suspect that you and your mum are different from each other in that respect.

This woman is someone for whom other people's emotions aren't really... Real.
As evidenced by her just discarding pets even though you were attached to them.
So, I don't think you'd ever get empathy/sympathy.
I think her telling you she was upset is as close to an empathy response as she is ever likely to come.
She was probably aware an emotional reaction was appropriate/expected... And that's the best she could do.
Almost feel sorry for her in a way, that's one hell of a stunted response.
Also feel sorry for you, for never having a warm loving relationship with your mum.

But pity rather than anger would probably make as much sense.
Why is she so stone hearted?

Seek your condolences elsewhere, and accept she's just wooden and take her as she is... If that's too painful, then fade away... But she's not going to get a new personality now no matter how nice it sells be if she did.

Sympathy op.

I actually don't think you're over reacting. That cat has been your family for all of your adult life.

I'd stop speaking to her, but I've cut people off for less. I am not close to my family and have little to do with them. You could take a break from her while your process your grief and message in a few months time. She will likely make it all about herself again, but at least then you don't have to deal with her being selfish and thoughtless in the meantime. You might find it a relief, I often do when I stop speaking to people.

This ^
Sorry about your cat, it seems he shared so many important moments of your adult life with you.
I think you are overreacting a bit. If your mum is not very understanding person in general you shouldn’t expect a perfect response from her. She tried to make a conversation( probably to support you) and expressed sadness about the death of cat. Cut her some slack in this situation.

Oh OP. Many of the previous replies sound like they come from people who simply haven’t experienced selfish, self absorbed useless mothers.

Hit her hard? The fuck it has.
Your reaction doesn’t surprise me, and I don’t think it’s over the top ❤️

She’s a shit mother, and if you want to cut her off - do it. You could wait a week until you’re out of the immediacy of the situation - but if you still feel that way, she certainly deserves it. It’s not about this one attention seeking stunt over your cat - it’s just that it represents all of the rest of the shit she’s put you through.

I think she is sad and upset because you are heartbroken. She may not care much for pets, but she obviously cares about you and your feelings, the hope you are ok probably wasn’t a token text.

I think you are being overly harsh. It’s ok to be angry for her not being present when you were a kid due to her own issues and addiction, but I can’t see any reason to be angry about how she is reacting to your very elderly cat dying.

I’m so sorry about your lovely cat

Exactly this. I don’t understand what else you expected from her in that instance.
Cut her off for your past if you want, that’s fine but trying to do that over this text exchange is an overreaction