To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

I'm adopted, I remember when I told one close school friend when I was about 10 years old. Que everyone in our class knowing, and asking questions, including one particularly horrible boy repeatedly asking "why didn't your real parents want you?". I went home in tears and my mum was furious. She told me that that boy was probably an accident, which I didn't really understand at the time 🤣.

I wish I'd never told that friend.

Tell your friends to butt out. Their reasoning doesn't even make any sense; is their child now going to think all one parent families have adopted? The answer of all families are different is all that is needed here.

Good point. They're trying to cover their tracks

They are making a massive deal out of it. I had a friend who was adopted when I was a kid and I never remember there being a big sit down conversation about it. Don’t even remember how I found out but it wasn’t a huge oh wow moment. As far as I was concerned Aunty S was his mum and Uncle T was his dad (and they are fantastic parents as you are).

Sadly though you can’t control what conversations they have in their own homes so don’t be surprised if they go ahead. Just remember you have do e a wonderful thing adopting a child and giving her a chance. As many PP are saying, families come in so many formats and all are wonderful.

Telling a 7 year old they don’t have the right to know everyone’s business isn’t ‘lying’ to them. It’s telling them THEY DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW EVERYONES BUSINESS (a useful life lesson going forward in itself)

fucks sakes.

So what happens if they have this special wechial sit down chattums with little miss/mr needs to know everything? They relentlessly question your child about WHY they were adopted, where are their birth parents etc where does it end? Because frankly, if they are this insistent on knowing WHY your DD only has one parent, once they know this they are the type to want more details, and their parents clearly think they have the right to demand and be given answers to all their intrusive questions. Fuck that.

Sometimes it’s fair to say to kids “it’s none of your business” because it isn’t.

This. They can tell their kid to stop asking questions about personal matters

Well you obviously can’t force anyone not to discuss it with their children. But is it really too outlandish a request to make of a friend? Haven’t most of us kept confidences for a friend at some point?

It sounds like your 'friends' need to teach their own DC that they can't have everything they want - that isn't how life works

They have no right whatsoever to discuss your DC with their DC

Your friends sound like dickheads. I would tell them so as well - how your child came to be with you is not some kind of bonding session they want to have with their kid. Tell them how you feel, and distance yourself from them.

Your friend is awful!!! Self absorbed doesnt begin to cover it
I cant believe this - yanbu at all.

Are they a very permissive / indulgent parent? It's bizarre they feel they need to disclose this to their child.

Plain weird.

This.

This family needs to get a grip and speak firmly to their child that other families are none of their business. They don’t need to lie, just say that other families’ origins are private matters which we don’t discuss. Would they see the need to tell their DC what you earn?

It's not about shame or secrets.

It's about a child being ready to have conversations about being adopted with their peers.

It's doesn't go "are you adopted"..."yeah".."ok, cool".

There are a flurry of questions about why you were adopted. About your birth family, how you feel about it, are you in touch with them, does it feel weird? Etc

Questions that have the potential to hit some very raw emotions and cause a child to regress into past trauma at an age/time they cannot cope with.

That's why it's their story to share because it can be a hell of a big and traumatic story and one that young children (both the friend and the adopted child) can find very difficult to navigate.

We don't know what trauma the OP's child experienced (and I'm not suggesting they share it here - far from it) but maybe the friends might want to consider how their "curious" child might be impacted when told the truth and opening up a conversation alone with their friend that leads to disclosures about abuse, raw, unfiltered and without an adult to help them process it?

They are not thinking this through for either the OP's child or their own.

They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer.

It’s a perfect opportunity to teach their inquisitive, curious that they don’t have the right to anyone’s private information. They need to teach their child boundaries and how to let things drop.

Sounds like they've already told them and want retrospective permission.

Where on earth do you live that 7 year olds are absolutely baffled by someone living with a single parent? Surely there's loads of kids in the class the same?

And how would adoption be the obvious explanation for the lack of a dad? None of what they are saying makes sense. Adopted people still have the same range of types of families that non adopted people do.

OP I know it's easy for me to say but I get really bad vibes about these friends. Why do they think their DC being upset about not knowing something that's nothing to do with them is more important than your child having something so personal revealed against their wishes? Honestly it's so bizarre that it almost doesn't sound real (I believe it is) and I think you would be well within your rights to be very firm with them.

I have a friend in the same position (same age daughter and everything). The adoption people drummed into her that it's her daughter's story to be shared as and when she wants. She deserves control over this; children who have been adopted have often been denied agency and control over so much of their lives, this is one thing that is theirs.

Friend has told some adults who might not otherwise have known, because her daughter's background means she has to be extra careful about not sharing things on social media. But she would be horrified if anyone passed this information on to others who didn't need to know. It is up to the daughter and her alone to tell her own story.

Your friend is completely out of order here. An 'all families are different' conversation is sufficient for her child.

I totally understand your feelings around this. My child was conceived using a donor. I have always kept the information private while they were tiny/primary as it was also concerning my privacy. I guess I struggled with the stigma of that being the only way I could have a baby/no real person wanted me, even though it was more complicated than that.
Child has always known in an age appropriate way. We talked about the difference between secrets and keeping things private as they grew and that once that info is “out there” in their circle, that’s it. You can’t take it back.
Since they’ve hit teenage years they’ve just told anyone who has asked and are totally fine with it. I’ve had to deal with them sharing “our” private information in my own way and not shared that it’s been difficult at times because I still feel I’d be judged. What’s most important to me is that my child is content and thankfully they have no such misgivings. Your friends taking that ownership over someone else’s private info is awful.

I can't believe what I'm actually reading! Your friend is making your child being adopted all about her and her child and how she can't lie! Its none of her bloody business and she isn't lying to her child she's simply explaining family set ups are different.

@Hellotoyouandyou ask your friend how she and her dc would feel if you disclosed something personal about her child to yours because you don't wanna lie to your child? I bet she'll say thats different sounds to me like she wants to gossip about this. But her kids feelings and curiousity don't trump your childs right to privacy.

As for lying to her child ask her how she feels about telling her kid Santa, the tooth fairy and the easter bunny aren't real? Because thats lying to kids too I don't see anyone getting worked up over that

I must admit I did tell my son my friend’s daughter was adopted. It was said in all innocence and tbf my friend never told me not to. If she had asked me not to then I definitely wouldn’t have. I think the difference is though my son wouldn’t have asked (she and her daughter look very alike weirdly).

I think if you are still.living in the same area with the same set of friends as uou did at the time of the adoption, it is am open secret.You really can't police what other people discuss with their own children!

It's not 'keeping a secret'. It's respecting a child's privacy.

My friend's younger child is adopted. The child was adopted at three, and is now 12 or 13. If they need to explain that they're adopted, they will do so, but they don't volunteer the information because whenever they've mentioned it to other kids, they immediately get lots of questions from other kids about why they were adopted, what happened to their birth parents, whether they remember them etc, and those aren't really questions they wish to answer, for a multitude of reasons. They're not ashamed of being adopted, but there are a lot of reasons that they don't like being asked questions about it.

A good retort for adopted children is well I was chosen - your parents got stuck with you.

You are a great parent. This is absolutely up to your child, who is told and when.
I think it’s highly unacceptable that your friends are not valuing your child’s feeling about their story. How would they like it if you shared something personal about their lives with your child.
i wonder if they’ve already told their child she is adopted and that’s why they’re emphatic about telling you they have to tell their dc.
Their child doesn’t get to have hurt feelings about this. It’s none of their business which is what they should be told.

This mum sounds self centered and nuts.
She wants to share private information because her child has asked a question, surely you aren't the only family in the school with one parent at home.
Why does she feel she owes her child any information that she requests, as you've said she needs to explain that all families are different - that more than adequately answers the question.

It's a shame she's putting you and your daughter in this situation, regardless of what she does next I'd definitely distance myself from her. She has no boundaries or respect.

None of their business. Like others I suspect they have already let the cat out of the bag which is totally out of order. What other reason could there be for a 7 year old to jump to that conclusion when it’s simply a lone parent family? I don’t think most 7yo even understand the concept of adoption.

I would tell them no, don’t disclose. “All families are different” or “X’s dad doesn’t live with her” are both true statements and quite sufficient. They need to teach their child about boundaries…..

Presumably they fobbed off the inquisitive child’s questions previously so they can just do that again and again and again until “just mind your own business!” becomes the appropriate response. They probably won’t even ask again anyway! I agree with other posters that parent likely wants to use this as a learning experience which is ridiculous but that’s why they are pushing it.

Stick to your guns! My two are adopted and if I'd known how much grief and bullying they would go on to receive from other kids ( and some awful adults) over the years I would have done everything in my power to keep their adopted status secret!

Sadly it's hard to keep it secret when you turn up at pre school to pick your three year old up with a baby in a buggy that you didn't have the week before!

One thing we have done is keep their adoption story secret and let the kids decide what detail they want to give and when.