To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

I was going to say it depends on the reason for the question as some things can't really be explained by a platitude. Eg your child was very clearly a different race to you and their dad, I could see why a child might want to understand how that would be possible and telling them something about all families being different might leave them confused (eg wondering if the same could happen to them if they had a biological child).

But asking why someone only has one parent is rude - are they going to go round asking all their friends in single parent families the same question? In that case, its enough to know that they don't see their dad and its none of their business why not, and not to ask people that because if people don't see family any more it can upset them to talk about it

I think she will tell them anyway though

This!

The audacity is shocking.

Your child is not a learning opportunity for other people's kids. I have no idea why they think they should have the right to tell her adoption story when they've been explicitly told she doesn't want that to happen. If I found out a friend was adopted and my parents had known they were adopted for years, I wouldn't think a single thing of it or be upset they didn't tell me. These "friends" just sound nosy and insensitive.

I didn't say all and sundry need to be told, and I agree that a child / adult adoptee can tell or not tell, as they wish. But in my experience people just came to know generally speaking, since suddenly acquiring a toddler or young child tends to give it away unless one is very isolated from the people around them.

Then often medical consultations raise the idea of family genetics so the children hear you saying they are adopted.

At school dysregulated behaviour or excessive anxiety can be better explained with some simple facts. One of mine lost a birth parent aged 10 - they dealt with that by constantly telling everyone they knew for two years, despite having no memory of this parent. We couldn't control that and advice to say less wasn't heeded - and why should it be?

If OP didn't want her friend's child to know, she perhaps shouldn't have told them in the first place but then, presumably, she would have had a hard time explaining where the child came from, unless it's a recent friendship.

Once information is out there, you lose control of what happens to it. I don't know why these friends feel they need to tell their child but they want to and it seems odd to ask them not to.

I was probably precious about this kind of thing early in our journey, but no harm has come to my children from people knowing and they are at ease with it. My 19 year old showed a colleague the introduction booklet we made for her 17 years ago recently.

@Catshaveiteasy

I still feel its up to the child if they want to share that they are adopted.

When he arrived my son told the world and his wife I’d picked him and he was going to be adopted. His school had a lovely party for him the day after we went to court. I noticed as he got older he told fewer people. I sometimes had to tell people who knew us as a single parent one child family that when he talked about his dad and brother he wasnt making them up.
He is 20 and at university now. I just asked him if any of his uni friends know he is adopted. He said now, it just hasnt come up, its not something he’s talked about.
I do agree wholeheartedly with you about the patroning comments.

@LoobyDoop2 the decision to adopt a child isnt an ‘interesting’ topic of conversation between friends

These days loads of kids only have one parent for a variety of reasons, probably being adopted is one of the less common. I wouldn't have thought it was anything so unusual that your friend's child would be interested unless you live in a very small village and literally every other family has two parents.

I do agree that it is not for anyone other than your child to tell and then only when they feel comfortable doing so.

Some people think that we all live in a soap opera and everyone else's business is fair game, but this is real life and some things are not for public consumption.

It is one thing to be inquisitive and another to be downright nosey. Tell your friends that their child will have to be content will your answer that all families are different and that you will be very disappointed if they do tell. Their kid needs to learn that life is full of disappointments and they can't have everything they want and that includes other people's private information.

I also think your friends shouldn't tell their child, it's not needed for the question and as you say it's your daughters story to tell.

However, you can't control other people's behaviour (however unreasonable) and kids are naturally inquisitive about other people's families as they start to grow up. So I'd talk to your daughter and explain that some people know she's adopted (eg wider family maybe) but that the only people who know why she was adopted is you, her, her social worker (anyone else) and to reassure her that, that information is private and it's her choice if she wants to tell people and how much (eg she can tell them she's adopted and nothing else, or she can chose to say why, or some of why).

I think you and her should also work out some stock phrases she can use to various questions eg where's your dad, are you adopted, why were you adopted etc - so if she is put on the spot, she feels more confident.

Apologies if I'm saying stuff you've already done, you sound a fab mum.

YANBU at all. This will not break their trust with their dc, but their trust with you. I would be furious.

Hi. My twins are adopted, also age 7. My Dd recently decided to share that she was adopted, firstly with everyone on her (new) school bus, and then with the whole class, not in any detail, just that she was adopted. I have no idea why she spontaneously shared and she is actually a private person so i was inwardly surprised and had mixed feelings about it tbh... but she seemed very happy with the positive reception. We did have to gently educate one of her peers not to refer to us as her 'fake' parents and I'm sure we will come up against other unwitting or deliberately unkind comments but we will now focus on helping her build resilience and confidence to tackle these as they arise. I cannot understand why your friends feel this is a sit down moment for their child and this would irritate me beyond belief, but ultimately we can't control what is said within other people's four walls. I imagine my family has been discussed extensively, used as a handy case study in our very non diverse village and I am deeply uncomfortable about that possibility but I accept I have no jurisdiction in other family's discussions.

I would be absolutely furious that they think their child's sense of curiosity is above your child's right to privacy. It would make me question the friendship. And their child is only 7 as well, not exactly of an age to understand all the complexities and implications. No way can they tell their child. Horrible behaviour abd attitude.

I don't see how telling their kids your child is adopted would explain why there's no second parent.

I would say - you're welcome to let them know that I am a single parent, this is not a lie and it is up to DC if she ever tells anyone about adoption or not

So you can’t tell that friend anything you aren’t happy to have passed on to her child in future… pretty much cuts out any interesting conversations, so you may as well cut her loose.

What a difficult situation.

I agree with you but also am a little more realistic about children’s curiosity and the more the question is evaded the more intrigued (nosey) the other child will become. I can understand the other parent wanting to tell the truth as to them its no big deal. But I also understand your child wanting that information to be hers to disclose as she wishes, when she wishes.

Any adoption charities you can take advice from? That would probably be my avenue. Ask a professional.

Just to say that neither I as an adoptive mother nor my now grown adopted children appreciate anyone saying that to have adopted is wonderful or that the child is lucky. No, the child is unlucky to have been born into a situation where they had to leave their birth family. And I'm very privileged to have been allowed to adopt them but we did it for ourselves, as a way to make a family, not to be 'wonderful'. That sort of comment always comes across as patronising to me.

Extraordinary position that your friends are taking!! Our children are donor conceived, they've always known, and our close friends and family knew when it was all happening and when they were little, but now our kids are nearly adults, I feel very strongly that it's no longer about me and 'my news' and certainly not anyone else's!! It's now my children's info to share as they wish - I don't think they have a particular problem with it, but they are quite private about it I think. I've experienced some unintentional but extraordinary lapses in sensitivity and understanding from friends and family over the years, eg me telling someone and then them asking 'do the children know?' (Like I'd tell you and they don't know?!!) or my mum saying when I was pregnant - 'Do you really need to tell the children?' (imagine what a huge unhealthy cover-up job that could become?!) but often, once it's pointed out, they'get it'. I also had a couple of experiences of them telling their own kids eg my brother being a bit casual about the information with his kids and then they started trying to chat to my kids about it as their younger cousins ... again, unintentional lack of thought.
Sorry if you have already done this (I did skim thru lots of the posts but didn't see anything on this) but they maybe just haven't thought about it from your/your child's perspective and it might be worth just sitting down and kindly but firmly explaining and pointing out a few things?? I just hope they're mortified when the cogs start turning!!!! Good luck xx

*However the idea of it being 'their story to tell' refers, from my point of view, to the story behind WHY they were adopted, not the fact of being adopted.

Have you considered that sooner or later your child, who should be proud of his adoptive status, not made to feel it is a dirty secret, will tell his friends anyway. My children did because I brought them up to talk openly about their life history with us at home.*

I have two children through adoption. One is very open about their adoption, happy to tell friends etc, the other considers it her private business and doesn’t talk about other than to one close friend. Neither consider it a dirty secret, both consider their adoption to be a very positive thing. Both DC know it is their choice to tell, not mine.

My friends and family know of course, but otherwise it is their private information, nothing to do with how proud or otherwise they feel. It’s certainly not fodder to satisfy the curiosity of an inquisitive child.

Totally weird and overstepping to tell their dc that yours is adopted.

@renthead

its about privacy, not secrecy

I’m a single adopter. I adopted my son when he was 8, he has always seen adoption as a positive thing and we have always been ‘out’ as it were. But openess was his choice
we of course had to tell some children that he was joining our family and that always led to more questions eg
why are they adopted
where are their ‘real’ mum and dad, are they dead
why didnt their real mum want them
whats wrong with them
can you send them back

what is the Ops friends going to tell their child then.

Children also still get bullied for being adopted. My son was bullied because apparently he didnt have a mum, or his mum gave him away so there was something wrong with him - oh yes he is autistic so thats why she gave him away.

Thats why its private.

Yours friends are being ridiculous, they absolutely shouldn’t be telling their child your child’s history, against your wishes and their reasoning is just as ridiculous. If their child comes to them later and is upset that they “lied” (and really it’s not a lie to say all families are different, it’s a perfectly reasonable answer) then that is a perfect time to explain trust in friendships and and respecting people’s right to privacy. Your son isn’t wrong to want to tell people his business in his own time, if your friend tells their son it will be all over the playground in no time and unfortunately as we know kids can be cruel.

This with bloody jingle bells on!!

My mum told me this a kid it didn't do me any harm, as she said you don't need to know the ins and outs mind your own business. How else are children gonna learn boundaries if their parents don't put them down 🙄

My children are adopted. I never made a point of telling people outside friends, family and colleagues who knew I hadn't been pregnant and that my children had arrived older - so a lot of people actually - unless it came up naturally. Our second arrived when eldest was in year 2 so everyone at school knew from that.

However the idea of it being 'their story to tell' refers, from my point of view, to the story behind WHY they were adopted, not the fact of being adopted.

Have you considered that sooner or later your child, who should be proud of their adoptive status, not made to feel it is a dirty secret, will tell their friends anyway. My children did because I brought them up to talk openly about their life history with us at home.

I think most have voted YANBU because they have not adopted themselves. I voted YABU.

Hi OP, I think you've had some good advice from PPs, your child’s feelings and privacy trump any feelings of this other child. It is weird the parents are making this a thing for their child when it’s literally nothing to do with them. Even weirder to keep pushing it.

The only opinions that matter here are yours and your child’s. Other people’s experiences of adoption are interesting but they are distinctly separate to yours. Wish you the best with your DC.

Well tough. All families are different plus a book if needed. I'm really quite surprised this is an issue. Do you live in an area with purely 2.4 kids nuclear families?

I think if you are still.living in the same area with the same set of friends as uou did at the time of the adoption, it is am open secret.You really can't police what other people discuss with their own children!

It may be an open secret amongst adults but that doesn’t mean they can share it with anyone they choose and certainly not with children who don’t have the maturity to understand the complexities of adoption.