To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

When I was about 10 my mom told me of a friend's daughter who was my age that she is adopted. I never said anything to her or to anyone but I always respected people's privacy.

I think your kid and the other kid are too young. This is probably something that shouldn t be discussed by the other family.

Equally it doesn't sound like the parents are happy about it so prepare yourself as they will likely tell their child.

100%

"but they feel that their DC will be upset they didn’t know, especially if they find out from someone else." Tough shit it isn't about them.

Exactly! I completely agree.

And even if their child does get pissed off if and when they learn about the adoption and realise that their parents knew, so what? At that point they should be old enough to understand that it wasn’t their story to tell.

It’s none of the other parents business and it’s a ridiculous notion that they have to tell the truth, it doesn’t affect any of them so like you said, not their story to tell. How rude of them.

I don't see why your friends are making such a big deal over it, as if it's somehow going to make their child traumatised that your child is adopted and they haven't been sat down and told formally or something!

7 is a horrible age for teasing, and nosey questions. I'd be worried about the potential repercussions for your child. It would have been better if they'd always known.

At this age, I'd be inclined to say to a child, "families come in all different sizes and it's not any of our business why someone might live with one parent. It would be rude to ask questions." and then read a book together about different families.

Whatever happened to "holding things lightly"? Single parenthood and adoption really shouldn't be a big deal in this day and age. The friend sounds like a drama queen!

It’s not “lying” to your children to not answer all of their questions. It’s absolutely correct to answer what is age appropriate, to occasionally tell white lies and sometimes to say “that’s not really any of our business!”

My kids ask all sorts of inappropriate and personal questions every day 😂 It’s not lying to them to not answer them all with 100% honesty.

Your friend needs to get over themself.

*But in my experience people just came to know generally speaking, since suddenly acquiring a toddler or young child tends to give it away unless one is very isolated from the people around them.

Then often medical consultations raise the idea of family genetics so the children hear you saying they are adopted.*

I’m not sure I understand your point, my children know they’re adopted, they were 4 and 6 at the time so them not knowing wasn’t remotely a possibility. It is talked about openly in our home and their extended family know. It’s not a secret or something hidden in any way.

It is private to them, they can choose whether and who they tell and they’ve both made different choices so far. I think we probably have similar views on this.

Your friends are being really over the top. All they need to do is give the generic answer that all families are different. Some families have one parent, a mum or dad, others have two. Some families have two mums or two dads. Etc etc etc.

If their child is 7 too, they are probably getting too old for picture books, but there are so many out there that cover different family dynamics.

Then your friend needs to put her Big Girl pants on and be the fucking adult of her parent-child relationship!

I would be spelling it out in words of one syllable that her inquisitive child does not make the decisions here. Most likely, if they took that route ("they want to explain the whole adoption thing to them") it would be broadcast by said inquisitive child to all and sundry; which, since your daughter is a shy child, is just plain CRUEL. I can hear their protestations now that of course their inquisitive child would do no such thing - but we all know they would do just that (even them).

If they are so lacking in imagination and emotional intelligence that they can't think up a deflection by themselves, I would give them a ready-made one.

• Dad and mum split up
• Dad died soon after the birth
• Dad was abducted by aliens

Your friend really needs to give her head a wobble, thinking that she can disclose things she has no place in disclosing, just because she can't say no to an inquisitive child.

Sounds like your friends kids need introducing to the concept 'none of your business'!

Well that certainly isn’t a reason for the other parents to say it’s because he’s adopted. ( O get what a PP was saying regarding a child having 2 dads, or a child of a different race or something, that would be tricker to answer, but would sort itself out in the end anyway as the child grew up and penny dropped)

It requires not other answer than sometimes families have 2 parents and sometimes they have 1. Nothing more. Surely you’re not the only single parent this child has come across? Is the child entitled to know the ins and outs of every single parent’s story that they meet??

We know two families whose dc are almost certainly adopted but this hasn't been shared, and dc has often asked questions about them and their family set up, because they have perceived or intuited things which stand out for them. Odd things which have happened when we have been out with one of the families - we are no longer friends because of it. I have talked to my dc about possibilities of what is going on, because I think it is important to answer dc's questions honestly, and i trust dc to not tell other children at school what we have talked about. I think your friends' priority is to meet the needs of their dc, and it might be that they feel they need to share what they know with their dc on the basis that their dc will not share with anyone else. The parents know, and their children also knowing would make sense.

I think that there is too much secrecy over adoption. I was adopted and some of the support I got I would not have got if people hadn't known I was adopted. I think that in relation to the two families we know, the children would get more and better support, and the parents too, probably, if their families were not as secretive as they are. It is going to be a question of judgement and balance.

A lot of adoption practice and knowhow is massively out of date, and the current attitudes over secrecy are not helpful to the children, in my opinion.

I'm stealing the line "the world doesn't owe you it's back story" !

If I was in this situation and my child was asking about another child’s family I’d simply say ‘all families are different’ give some examples and leave it at that. Like you say it’s not their news to tell BUT unfortunately the flip side is that you can’t police what they do or don’t tell their child. In your shoes I’d appeal to their better nature but ultimately see it as a sign to distance yourself from them.

They sound like idiots. I know plenty of single parents who are so Nike parents for different reasons. Only one is by adoption.

The 7 year old does not need to know this.

Well it's a shame people didn't read OP's later posts where they explained that the child was asking why there is only one parent in the house. So nothing at all to do with adoption!

The conversation at age 7 could be "some mummies and daddies live separately from one another". Done.

Obviously longer term that won't be enough but at 7? Come on.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust.

Good lord! Could they be any more self-centred?

Your poor DC - if they wish to keep certain things private, your friends - who don't sound like real friends - should bloody well respect that.

It is NONE of your friends' DC's business. Absolutely not.

I'm infuriated on your behalf. If your friends' DC asks why they weren't told that your child is adopted it's a very simple answer - because it's none of your business. It's your daughter's (or your) story to tell and you are being entirely fair. Your friends sound pretty ridiculously selfish to be honest.

Your friends are being really unreasonable.

All families are different is fine for age 7.

Upset their parent ‘lied’ to them about another child’s adoption? That’s one of the stupidest, most unnecessarily dramatic things I’ve ever heard.

In this situation, a good friend's loyalty and empathy should be for you and your child and not for their own untactful (not surprising is it) child.

I am sorry that you're dealing with this from your friends and I hope they've not already told their child.

In addition to the great advice already suggested, I'd add that you could try explaining it this way to your friends- what if the question was about why Billy's dad doesn't live with Billy and his mum any more. Would they say something vague or go into great detail about affairs, gambling, emotional affairs etc? It's the same principle. If they don't get it, ask them to imagine it's ten years in the future. How does your daughter's right to privacy change now that she's an adult entering college or the workplace? Why does a child have different rights to privacy than an adult? They must appreciate that children should not be told everything that adults know.

And what if this 7 year was told? He won’t be able to keep it quiet, he’s not mature enough to understand it’s not something you want made into common knowledge . Kids at school have a hard enough time as it is . You are definitely not being unreasonable . This friend needs to respect your wishes . I really hope she does

It's not their business to be telling.

You're right to put your foot down on this, OP.