To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

How dare these people get into your private business.

Do they think that you need to tell you child personal things about them???

Jeez, they suck as friends.

I was wondering that too.

OP, having read your updates I'm absolutely furious that these people think it's their story to tell. It's not. And especially considering your DC doesn't want this information to be shared.

There is a million different ways to explain why someone is a single parent without going into all the nitty gritty. Also, they could simply tell their DC they don't know all the details. If their DC acts upset about it in the years to come, that is one entitled person! If their DC is nice, they will understand their parents for respecting your wishes.

This is NOT about them but they act as if it is.

Your friends have already told their child and they are retrospectively asking for permission. That's why they're pushing it. Ordinary, sane, reasonable people wouldn't even have to ask this question.

If they really were anticipating a "why didn't you tell me that XxxIs adopted", they could quite easily say, "Because that's wasn't our information to share, it's not any of our business and it makes absolutely difference to our relationship with her". If the child kicks off about this then they have problems with their child. But none of that is anything to do with you and your girl.

I bet they haven't told their child lots of information about their own private lives... "Come her little Nosey Nelly Mummy wants to tell you about losing her virginity!" Why not....because it's none of the kids goddamn business." Weirdos.

Very well said.

Tenner says their kid has overheard the parents gossiping about your DC and now they are attempting damage control. You need new friends OP if these persist in trying to find out about your DC background. Anyone with an ounce of sense understands that adoption today means an increased likelihood of a child being removed from birth parents due to neglect or abuse.

I was adopted in the early eighties and endured much speculation from kids at school about my "real" parents because their parents gossiped. Do what you feel is best for your child and take some space from these nosy grief vultures.

Why on earth they want to use this as an opportunity to teach their kid about adoption rather than teaching them how to mind their own buisness and not pry is beyond me. Yanbu, you sound like a great mum, your friends sound like gossiping twats.

My DC is the same age and is well aware families come in all shapes and sizes and that's all they need to know

Do you know of a secret of theirs? If yes ask them how they would feel if you told your DD so that you did not lie to her.
And their excuse is ridiculous. They just need to say that the DC does not live with their dad, and that families vary. The reasons why is nobody elses business.

I would be worried they have already told their child.
I would just continue honouring your DDs wishes and say to them that they should not tell their child. You need to say it firmly. And whatever you do, never tell them anything about her early life that led to adoption. I would not trust them to not tell anyone.

I think you are totally correct to respect your child’s wishes here. I have an incredibly inquisitive and perceptive 8 year old. I would be quite happy to either tell her it’s none of her business or deflect. They are going completely ott with their view that they need to overshare here. Sometimes curious children need to be told when to stop pushing and asking questions they don’t need to know the answer to. I also find that my inquisitive child can’t keep things to herself so we are also incredibly careful what we share with her as it’s likely to get back to other people.

I agree with PPs that these parents have already told their child and are trying to cover their tracks. If not then it’s still totally unnecessary for them to tell their child. I’d been massively cooling off this friendship with people who put themselves first like this. Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.

'because they don't have 2 parents, that's their family set-up, it is what it is and it's not for you or I to question it, not your business so stop asking'
No lies needed there...... We can wonder about things in other people's lives, but imo 7 is old enough to start learning sometimes it's just not our business. They have no right or reason to know, if they are upset later on will that's an issue to be dealt with as to why they feel their feelings trumps everyone else's even in regards to someone else's personal life/family

Don't think much of your 'friends', OP. It really has zero to do with them, and yet here they are prying and trying to make it all about what their children should know about your child! Wow. Just wow.

I'd definitely be distancing myself. And perhaps sending them a link to this thread.

Well sometimes it's obvious...

There were a lot of single parents in DD’s primary class (god knows how much in secondary I just never saw them) it never occurred to me or to Dd to ask where another parent was.
I think the best way for your friend is to answer truthfully that the other parent of your DC don’t live with you. Why? Because not always parents live together/ families come in all shapes and sizes. Why? I have no idea. And it will be the truth as your friend actually has no idea where the other parent is atm.

Tbh your friend is over complicating simple things. I bet they are not telling their DC EVERYTHING about their past and family history. Their arguments are laughable! Their Dc would be upset!!! At 7 they should focus on simple things as playing outside, building LEGO etc etc not on gossiping about other people.

They would be better off teaching their children that not everything is their business and they are not entitled to be told everything their parents know. How your daughter came to be your daughter is no more necessary for them to know than your how they were conceived is necessary for your daughter to know.

Tell your “friends” to MTOFB.
And have them bring their kid(s) over to you if they’ve got questions about your family.

@ExtraOnions

that's how I feel too. I don't see why it's being kept a secret. It never need to be 'a story to tell, or not' it's just a simple fact of life. I had friends that were adopted growing up, the same family had a biological daughter, it was just 'fact' no big drama. One of my godsons was adopted, no secret. Just fact, no big story.

everything is such a big drama these days.

There's lots of things their seven year olds don't know. Not telling them something isn't the same as lying. Surely their parents don't give them all the details about Aunt Sandra's ongoing infertility struggles or Uncle Thomas' alcoholism or how much Lauren got in the divorce. They don't sit them down at dinner and say "mum and dads sex life hasn't been great for the last 7 years. Sometimes we feel more like housemates."

Just because it's a child, and their friend, they don't have some weird ownership over her and the right to know everything about her. Your daughter is entitled to privacy like any adult.

Also it is harder for a child. If, as an adult, you tell a coworker at lunch that you're adopted you can be pretty sure that it will be nothing more than a passing comment. You can be pretty sure you won't turn up on Monday to everyone whispering about you, asking you why your "real parents" didn't want you and questioning you intently on everything you know about your biological parents, how you feel about them and why.

And if anyone did something like that, you can bet the reaction to them would be one of absolute horror. It wouldn't be a gentle chat about how everyone's family is different and then a pat on the head because they "just want to understand".

Your daughter is not a tool to open someone's mind with or educate. It's a perfect opportunity to teach these children about how they're not entitled to information about everyone else. Instead your friends only care about their poor babies being sad that they didn't hear the exciting gossip first. Diddums.

It sounds like everything has to be about their DC. I'd tell your DC to steer clear of them.

Children can be very, very cruel, so I agree it's not up to them to start talking about your child being adopted. None of their business, and certainly not appropriate.

"Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust."

The simple answer if their DC find out later is that the OP and her daughter didn't want this information shared and as "good friends" they respected that.

As an adopted person myself though, I do feel that it seems your daughter not wanting people to know perhaps needs talking through with a professional. She has obviously had a lot in her young life and perhaps feels people knowing she is adopted will remove the stability she now has, that somehow it could be taken away.

"Friends know nothing of my DC’s story prior to their adoption, though they have asked in a roundabout way a few times over the years."

I'd look more closely at your "friends" and their behaviour, seems like they are a little too nosy and trying to push you. A bit of distance from them may not be a bad thing.

I voted YABU. I don’t think the child needs to know however it’s a lesson that you cannot control the flow of information once information is given. Even in very sensitive circumstances or legal ones, people make choices that breach that.

Your friend's 7 year old might be mature enough for their parents to say 'we don't know about (your dc) other parent, we think it's their private family information that they don't want to talk about'

@CombatBarbie

teading a thread is always a good start, at the very least the OP's posts