To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

@Decompressing2

The op is following standard advice to adopters with regard to the difference between privacy and secrecy.
It's astonishing to me how vulnerable children are often seen as some sort of public property who can be gossiped about.
I wonder if the friends child had been born via fertility treatment would she want someone else to 'sit the child' down and explain that daddy didn't have any sperm of mummy's eggs were faulty.

People should also remember that adoption does not exist without trauma and loss. Adopted children will have very complex and troubled histories. The act of adoption can be very traumatic for the child. Children don't sail off into some rosy hued sunset with their wonderful self sacrificing shiny new parents.
My son sees his adoption as a very positive thing, but there remains a conflict with loyalty to his birth parents which he has struggled to come to terms with since he moved to me.
Please try to understand and respect the wishes of a child who has had a very difficult and traumatic start to life and is trying to build a new life and doesn't want to have her private business as common knowledge.

Yes that's fair. Trans-racial adoption, same sex couple or similar will inevitably make other DC curious sooner or later and in that scenario, the parents have a right to explain appropriately to their D.C., but they can keep it general and stress privacy- something like "when two husbands want a child, they can't be pregnant themselves so they sometimes adopt children...but it's rude to ask people about how their family was made...."

I'm hugely in favour of being honest with children but not at the expense at someone else's privacy. It's perfectly simple to say when asked why "Rachel" doesn't have a daddy to say that all families are different. If they carry on asking them they just have to say that some people like to keep certain things private and that we must respect that. My friend when I was a child was adopted from overseas when he was a baby and he told me about it when he was ready. It wasn't my business to know anything beyond what he wanted to share with me.

She hasn’t taught her child to keep secrets or be ashamed of herself. She has taught her child to tell people her story when she’s good and ready.

The fact she doesn’t want to tell these kids is telling. Their family lack boundaries and she instinctively knows that her telling these kids she’s adopted will lead to more intrusive questions. In fact I wonder if this is the real reason the ‘friends’ are doing this. OP said they don’t know why her child had been put up for adoption. Perhaps the ‘friends’ are hoping the child reveals it to their nosey kids, then they have a juicy story to tell other friends at their next social gathering.

This thread is not about you. I doubt you even read op's post properly if you are saying she is teaching her child it's a dirty secret.

Dont be ridiculous. Not telling their child someone else's private business is not "lying" to them. Have you told your children everything about everyone you know? Have you told them everything about you and your past? If you have them you're a worry.

I think they should respect your wishes.

But to be honest - I think the fact you have made this into something your child needs to decide whether to tell other people or not - is making me think. I tend to be in the camp of keep everything open when the child is young so they have grown up with something always being a certain way. It feels a bit like you have unintentionally set this up as a secret your child needs to keep until they decide they trust or like someone enough to share it. Secrets unfortunately are usually a secret for a reason and so tend to carry with them a sense of shame...and I would be worried that your child is wondering why them being adopted needs to be a secret.

You choose your child to be your child - there is something so so special, wonderful and precious about that it really should be projected as a sense of pride that you wanted this child so much - I personally think you should be loud and proud about the adoption rather than pitching it as a secret....but you know your family and your child the best.

My friend adopted a Chinese orphan and she looks nothing like the rest of the family so her adoption was widely known obviously. It is just beautiful to watch how loved she is and each year they visit the other chinese girls in the UK who were adopted at the same time to catch up. Her mother kept her middle name as the chinese name that she was found with.

Your friends aren’t friends if they are putting you in this position. It’s not their story to tell, it’s your DC’s. To tell you that they are not happy that you don’t want them to explain to their 7 year old that her friend is adopted is beyond awful and put you in a horrible position.

A 7 year old doesn’t need to know this imo. It doesn’t change anything. There are plenty of single parents out there, all they have to do is explain families aren’t all one mummy one daddy. They can look very different.

I would not continue being friends if they tell DC, I really wouldn’t

I’m struggling to get my head around why your friends feel they need to sit their DC down to tell them your child is adopted.. I haven’t read all the comments and updates but this is absolutely not their story to tell anyone and the only person who sits their child down to tell the story is YOUR child. Honestly, some people. OP, I’m sorry you have to navigate selfish friends

It's the new brand of parenting.

When I was a child no meant no because my mother said so. No other reason required. My mother said no or told me I couldn't do something that was it, just because she said so. That's how parenting should be.

Now for some reason parents feel the need to justify themselves to their children and explain to them why they can't do something and give them reasons rather than just saying they can't do something and that's it.

I've noticed it with my sister. When our mother died, I thought about saying a few words at her funeral but ultimately I couldn't do it. I knew I'd lose it and start crying and couldn't face it. My mother knew how I felt about her. So did her friends. There was no need to give a speech. I left it to the priest who did a cracking job.

Upon telling my sister this, she had the audacity to ask me what I was going to say to my 8 year old niece who might ask why I wasn't bothering to speak at granny's funeral. My sister was really concerned about how her daughter would feel about this when neither one of them was speaking at the funeral either. Why on earth would an 8 year old need her aunt to explain to her why she wasn't speaking at her grannys funeral. Why did this even enter my sisters head as an issue.

I told my sister to fuck right off and if her presumptuous 8 year old dared ask me to explain myself to her she'd get her arse handed to her (in an appropriate manner given her age).

Newsflash- you don't need to explain yourselves to children. It's fine to.tell them to mind their own business and other people's problems and families are nothing to do with them

Also, pps saying, "Well you chose to tell them..." as though you can either be in or out of the closet with adoption: No.

Adoption is a difficult process, and adopters are quite entitled to get support from their friends and family. (In fact, one of the requirements adopters have to meet is having a 'good support network'). That doesn't mean we renounce all rights to privacy. And surely no parent expects that every confidence we share with our friends will be broadcast to their children?

Tbh you are unreasonable.
You cannot expect other people to lie to their own children to make yours feel better.

If it is obvious your child is adopted surelly others have every right to explain things in plain sight to their children.
If adoption is not obvious it is really your own fault you shared info and now expect others to cover for you.

They should tell their kid that it is private, and therefore teach them a different lesson! Families don't owe you an explanation. If they want to teach their kid about all different kinds of families, they could explain divorce, IVF, adoption, etc but that would set up your daughter for being hassled into explaining. "It's private and personal" is absolutely a full answer. Your daughter has a mum who loves her and that's all anyone needs to know. Gay couples get sick of being asked how they had their kids, kids who are adopted/bought up in nontraditional families shouldn't be hassled by kids who have a traditional mum and dad for intimate details of their personal life.

Your friend tried to ask about your DC's pre adoption circumstances in a round about way, so basically apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

Your friends need to teach their kids to mind their own business. If the kid ask how kids are created, is your friend going to demonstrate that also because kid is very curious and wanted more.

It's not their place to tell that child, I don't know what goes through some people's heads, why would their child resent them? It's nothing to do with them.

I heard a mother talking to a young child the other day about what was going on in another families house and I really wondered why on earth this mother was explaining the stuff that she was doing to a young child, it was stuff a young child does not need to know and it would probably give the child nightmares.

Adopter here, another who suddenly turned up with a baby while taking older dc to school. Also in a same sex relationship so pretty obvious.

But my word, adults are nosey. They want to know every little detail and they're shameless about asking in front of the child. So I too think they have already told their kids.

My adopted dd, now a teenager, is an open book. She is also hugely popular, a social queen, not a kid who gets bullied. Yet she has often been overwhelmed by how other kids barnstorm her for information, the intrusive questions they ask, the crass assumptions they make. She isn't embarrassed about being adopted (when she was little she used to proudly tell strangers "I've got three mums!") but she does hate the loss of control over her private information.

I do expect adult friends to play their part in giving adopted kids privacy and dignity, but sadly many don't.

I'd be prepping your child for this information getting out. I'd explain that she can't control what others do or say but she can control her own behaviour and how she reacts.

Your friends must be these ‘new’ parents where everything is ‘child centered’. Children are curious which is fine but sometimes they are just too damn nosey and need to be told to just mind their own business. Important teaching moment. But to be fair it doesn’t even sound like they’ve asked for this much detail.

As others have deduced I think they’ve already chatted your business and are trying to get retrospective permission. If I were you I’d keep saying ‘no’ and watch them become increasingly desperate. Time for them to also have a teaching moment that you don’t discuss other people business behind their backs.

I don’t agree with PP that you’re are keeping this a secret. You’re not, you’re respecting your child’s wishes. Your child isn’t ashamed of being adopted and loves you. What they do not want and which no child wants is to be singled out or the subject of any thoughtless or mean comments.

Children start to become very self conscious in Y2. They notice things like their parents cars, houses etc and ask questions. Your DC doesn’t want to have to deal with that right now about her own life and that is fine. Your ‘friends’ should respect this and as people who act like they are so in tune with their kids, it’s surprising they haven’t considered why your child isn’t ready to be the source of immature playground bullshit.

She probably knows these kids have been dicks to other kids and to be fair with parents who lack boundaries this could be a possibility, so she’s rightfully swerving. She can tell her friends when she’s good and ready.

It’s absolutely none of their business and not up to them to be sharing that kind of detail about your family. It’s highly unreasonable of them to think they should be able to share and discuss details of your and your child’s personal life and I am mad about it on behalf of you. Why would it even be a topic of conversation!?! Stick to your guns, say no!

Ehhh, this is so weird. You cannot control what others say about you, OP.

None of their business. I would say it's your child's story and if they decide to tell the other child then they will do so in their own time.
Be clear you do not want people gossiping about your family.

Gah! Such a tough one. My ADC is only 5 so not too much of an issue yet but I know a very close friend told their DC when we first adopted without consulting me). I think because I suddenly had a child it kind of had to happen but it did make me feel a bit funny as it was my family business going out into the world without me having any control over it. However I know that when my ADC asked about a friend at nursery having two mums and no dad I was very vague as I didn't want it to get back to the child the circumstances of their conception. I did a whole 'because they love each other and had x'. Similarly, I don't tell many people that our DC is adopted as it isn't anyone's business really and rightly or wrongly I liken it to "hi, i'm X and I'm heterosexual/gay etc..." i.e. I shouldn't have to 'out myself' about our family situation unless it is really called for or I feel a connection with someone enough to tell them.

Yanbu. My dd has asked me about friends of hers who only have 1 parent. I just did as others said on this thread and told her all families are different and some kids only have 1 parent. I know more info than this but its none of my childs business and she has no need to know. I dont think your friend is doing the right thing here.

I'd be very direct.
I'd ask friend outright: "Have you told your DC already and trying to cover your tracks?'