To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

Your friend is being quite selfish here.

Your child has been clear that she doesn’t want it talked about - your friend could easily tell her child that your child’s father lives a very long way away.

It doesn't really matter who knows or doesn't know or will know or won't know. That's irrelevant. A child has requested that people should not discuss her family background, and if adults and supposed 'friends' can't respect that, they're pretty low.

Why can't they just tell their nosy child "families come in different forms".

And if she continues bothering them, a sharp "stop sticking your nose it where it's not wanted" would be appropriate.

My DC is fascinated by wheelchairs at the moment, but I don't let him go around grilling wheelchair users on what happened to them that means they need to use a wheelchair. It would be bloody insensitive, to say the least.

While satisfying kids' curiosity is to some extent part of a parent's role, our kids don't have an inalienable right to know everyone else's business.

If it is common knowledge with parents locally due to the circumstances it is highly likely children in the class either know now or will soon. My 7 year old is entirely uninterested in these sorts of things currently. My 10 year old and his peers seem to know the in's and out's of everyone's family circumstances, including who is adopted in other classes.

Is she able to have some more life story work to help her process the sorts of questions that are likely to come up? My kids get asked where there Dad is all the time and although it is quite a complicated situation I've helped them come up with answers they are happy with.

You're rightly protective of your little one, given what she's been through. It's absolutely her story to tell and if your 'friends' can't see that, they're not friends at all. I would make it very clear that you feel strongly that they should not tell their child and if they do, cut contact with them as much as possible. They really are unbelievably insensitive 😔

YANBU, they sound atrociously insensitive and self-centred. All about their child, when it's your child's business.

Your child's reticence should be respected. If they persist, I would tell them that it's their decision what they tell their child, but it's your decision to distance yourself from insensitive twats who can't respect your child's wishes and privacy.

The issue is that the friends did tell the child's parents. They told and shared their child's story voluntary.
They shouldn't have done that if it was so important for them not to share the adoption with other people.

I have 3 children of my own and still tell the story about myself.
In a certain age our children were annoyed that they weren't adopted because it's special in a great way.

Yanbu. And I think I would actually re think my friendship with them. Why on earth would it effect their kid and the trust between them. How bizarre. Your family set up shouldn't or needn't be a topic of conversation for anyone, let alone their DC.

People really are rude and entitled.

Yes, I see your point.

Adopted child here. You are being unreasonable. Both children are a bit too young to understand any nuance of boundaries. There’s no shame in adopting a child or in being an adopted child, but your insistence on not having the truth told makes it seem as there’s something to be ashamed of.
it’s not just your DC’s story to tell, it’s yours too. All you’ve done is add a layer of secrets which must not be spoken of. Children pick up on this and it won’t be much longer before weird and wild stories will be put about and get out of hand.

From the age of 5 I was telling everyone that my mum and dad chose me. I was never made to feel it was something to be hidden and shameful, but I’m afraid your intransigence might make it seem that way to others.
I don’t understand your reticence at all.

If parents asked me to keep adoption a secret I would of course but I don't understand the need if it is a thing known to people outside the family home.

But if I don't know (and not told) my answer would be none of our business and assume the kid wasn't adopted. I wouldn't start guessing with my kid.

If I know a child is adopted (and not from my work of course) I wouldn't see it a secret at all. Why should I?

None of their damned business. But, like another poster, I suspect they could already have told their DC, which they had no right to imo. And adults should not be telling children the private business of other adults. They are kids and should not be privy to everything.

If the parents know I would assume it to be a thing their children knew.

Is it a secret?

If my child asks me about someone elses "private business" I will share that info if it is appropriate for childs age.
Same applies to them asking about my life.
Really don't see a point in hiding info within family.

Why would their child be upset that they didn't know? Would a child really give a shit about whether or not a mate is adopted. Sounds like your so called friend is setting her own kid up to be bothered about something he probably wouldn't even give a shit about urgh tell her to tell her kid that some people are single parents and leave it at that because that's what most people would say to a kid because it's a non issue. Actually tell her to fuck off and to stop creating issues that don't need to be an issue

Possibly, or possibly OP finds out a bit more about why and they all talk more about it, and it ends up being better for all concerned.

No one was able to advocate for the child, because it was all such a secret and of course as we read on MN, no one should dare try to advise an adoptive parent.

I’ve never seen anyone say you shouldn’t dare to advise an adoptive parent - in fact there’s a whole board where adoptive parents offer support and advice.

I explained in a previous post why sometimes the questions are not driven by nosiness but instead by seeing things which are not quite right.

Some people will be plain nosy or judgemental or bullying, of course. But some people will want to help and be capable of helping.

For some adopted children, the secrecy or privacy is the right thing. For others it ends up being too isolating. It really depends.

More than a little patronising.

A grown up response from the OP would be a caveat that if they choose to tell their nosy children then they won't be friends anymore.

They'll never see or speak to her again in which case choose wisely about telling their nosy child. It kind of defeats the point of telling their child in that case if they then have to explain why they don't get to see them anymore.

How on earth does a spoilt and nosy child's demands outweigh their friends decisions?

The child doesn't need to know- they want to know and just want to be nosy.

They aren't friends if they're prepared to tell a spoilt brat instead of telling them to MTOB.

Your friends have said they want to tell their child, though, not tell other people or create speculation? And the assumption is that they will tell their child to not tell others? I went through this with my dc when they were 7, quite a few years ago, and they didn't tell anyone else, they were old enough to keep it confidential.

I am going to explain how it can be from the other side, in case this gives you insight. I went out on a social thing with dc7 with another family, a mother with 2 children, one dc was 8 and the dc 11. The 11 year old was adopted. The relationship between the mother and 11 year old was so poor it was barely transactional, there was fear, the mother thought the child was going to get violent when they were not allowed sweets, there was no affection or closeness or chatting, all day. Because I understand how adoption can be, because I was adopted and I know a lot of people who were adopted, it didn't shock me, though it did sadden me. But my dc had up to that point only seen affection and connection in the parent/child relationship and they were shocked and disturbed. The relationship between the mother and her 9 year old was completely different, there was a lot of touching and affection and joking. My child was really upset about it all and so I explained to my dc afterwards, even though it was a "secret". DC didn't tell anyone else and has not done. This was quite a few years ago.

I am not suggesting that this is a description of your relationship with your dc, but it might be that there have been differences which have upset the other child, there might be that they have noticed things or that your dc has said things. It is not necessarily as straightforward as you have said. I wouldn't distance myself, my advice FWIW is to talk more to your friends and see if they will open up a bit more about why they want to explain things to their dc. There may be things they have not yet said to you for fear of upsetting you, but which may in fact help you and your dc.

I really feel very strongly that in relation to the situation I described it would have been much better for the family if they had not kept the "secret" and if the mother had been more open to hearing advice from other parents including about how things might be from the child's perspective. Noone was able to advocate for the child, because it was all such a secret and of course as we read on MN, no one should dare try to advise an adoptive parent.

I am not suggesting that any of this relates to your situation, as I don't know and couldn't know, but it is worth the other posters here taking on board that each adoption is different, each adopted child is different, and having blanket rules about secrecy or anything else is not always the best thing for children.

I honestly think most people would put their own children's needs ahead of those of their friends. And there might be more going on here than meets the eye, we don't know why the other parents want to tell their dc.

A grown up response here is that OP has no right to tell other parents what they can and can't tell their children. A grown up response here is that the OP has no right to tell other parents how to parent their children. A grown up response to your post is that most of the posters here (I am not talking about posters who are also adopted) have no idea what it is like to be adopted and no idea about the issues that follow you into adulthood, parenthood, old age - no idea - and you telling an adopted person who has lived through it to "grow up" in relation to a considered opinion (opinion, not a dictat) is not at all grown up on your part.