To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

Well the answer to why your dc doesn’t have 2 parents isn’t that they’re adopted — it’s that you are not married, all families are different and lots of children have 1 parent. That’s enough for a 7 year old.
Very odd for them to think adoption is the answer to their child’s question.

It seems a bit of a red herring, the adoption.

NoseyChild asks “where is Sophie’s Dad” NoseyChild’s parent: “Sophie’s adopted”
NoseyChild “OK, but why does Sophie not have a Dad at home who adopted her with her Mum? And where are Sophie’s real parents?”

The fact of adoption doesn’t answer the original question. And it just opens up even more questions. “It is her story to tell” is a great mantra to repeat repeat repeat.

I would be dumping these so-called “friends” like radioactive waste in the desert. Their attitude is revoltingly “But what about meeeeeee?” What adult seriously says, “I know it’s you and your child’s lives we’re talking about here, and that this flies in the face of your child’s wishes, but MY precious little angels might be mildly put out for five minutes if they find out I knew something they didn’t! 🥺🥺🥺” Tough bleeding titty!!

You friend sounds like an idiot 'all families are different' is the perfect answer. If a child had same sex parents would they be sitting their child down and explaining sperm donation and ivf to them? I doubt it! They're just being dickheads.

Why are Parents so obsessed with what their children will think and whether or not they will be traumatised by something they didn't know.

They're so obsessed with explaining everything to their little darlings.

Thinking their children could be upset at their parents lied to them when they find out in a few years time. That is a massive stretch by anyone's imagination. What will happen is? The child will tell her friends when she's ready. And I'll probably just go.. really and move on.

I never understood why adults feel they have to justify themselves to seven year olds or explain anything to them. It is none of a child of any ages business and that's it.

I'd reconsider friend ships if thats what they're going to do.

I cross posted with this, which days it way better than I did.

Teaching your kids about privacy, respect, and confidentiality, is important.

YANBU.

Your DC does not want this information disclosed.

Your friends are centring the wrong child/ren here.

The presumption their child may be upset in the future about not being told the truth is ridiculous.

Their children don't have a right to expect personal information about others to be shared on demand. If they are upset it's because their parents are not prepared to explain that - which is poor parenting.

They should be considering teaching good boundaries and explaining to their child that having questions is ok, but so is people having the right not to answer them.

The response of all families are different is perfectly reasonable.

They need to consider the potential upset to your child in having this information made public before they are ready and be realistic that if they told their child they cannot guarantee they won't share it with others and/or want to talk to your child about it - something they are not ready for.

Honestly they sound pretty damn selfish and entitled to me and failing to consider the impact on a child who has already experienced trauma in favour of feeding their own child's curiosity.

I'd consider having a word with your child's social worker (I assume they will have one) and asking them to intervene and speak to the parents.

Thank you, I have said to friends that it is my DC’s story to tell but they feel that their DC will be upset they didn’t know, especially if they find out from someone else.

Then they and their DC will have to cope with being a little upset, won't they. One of life's lessons is accepting that you aren't always entitled to everything you want to know about other people's private business.

This does sound like it's the parents being entitled brats, not their child, doesn't it. All the more reason to hold a firm boundary on this. What else do they feel entitled to - your NHS records? The results of the STI screening you undertook 15 years ago? The feedback you got when you weren't selected for promotion? No. It is ridiculous of them to think that they are entitled to share personal information that isn't theirs.

This, with bells on it!

Flipping heck, talk about entitled parenting, they honestly think their child's "need" trumps your child's? Bloody hell

All families are different is a perfect response given the DC is asking about the missing parent. In my DD's class I reckon fewer than half were living with both birth parents by the end of year2.

but they feel that their DC will be upset they didn’t know, especially if they find out from someone else.

Why on earth do they think it's all about THEIR child?
If be furious, and make it clear, as a pp said, that the important person in this situation is YOUR child, and she's not an educational visual aid. If their child is pissed off about it at some point in the future, they simply explain that it wasn't their story to tell, and that they respected your child's choice.

Your friend is ridiculous. This is private and she absolutely should know not to tell her dc because kids will spread it and may say insensitive hurtful things about it to your dc.

YANBU - it is definitely your DC's decision to discuss/share this or not.

I would have thought the opposite about the trust regarding the other parents. They need to trust that their parents understand boundaries and won't go repeating all their news to everyone. No one trust gossips. They need to be taught that there are many questions that we don't ask people and that if people want us to know they will tell us in their own time, without the prompt of an intrusive question.

My DC know I have kept things from them. Things that aren't my business to share or theirs to know.

It's not that it's 'secret'. It's that it's private. People including children should have the right to privacy about things that are no-one else's business.

I find that so weird of your friends!

My son is adopted. He knows. My friends know. I’ve never been asked by them if they can tell their DC. It’s very selfish of them! My son has told children in his class (he’s 5) but I think it’s up to him! Your friends are making it all about them.

they feel that their DC will be upset they didn’t know

I think my answer to that would be 'So what?'

This isn't about their DC's feelings, and if their DC are 'upset' by not knowing someone else's very private and personal information, they need a good lesson in why they're not entitled to know that sort of thing if people don't want to tell them.

They haven’t asked if my DC is adopted, they’ve asked why they don’t have 2 parents, which is why I thought an answer of all families are different would suffice

It absolutely would suffice. All they need to say is that some people don't have two parents. They will meet other kids who only have one parent (and no memory of/contact with the other one). Your friends need to explain that some people only have one parent and that all families are different and we shouldn't be nosy about the reasons why.

As you say - it's your DC's story to tell, if and when they want to. The demands of other people's kids shouldn't be a factor here.

Ask your kid whether they care if friend knows they’re adopted? YANBU though, agree it’s up to the child.

Even when the people it actually impacts had specifically told you not to?

@Hellotoyouandyou i think this is one where you have to be very firm with your friends. Make it clear that you do not want them to tell their DC and, if they do, you will not be able to forgive their actions. Your DD’s adoption has absolutely nothing to do with them or their DD - end of. It is 100% your DD’s story to tell when she is ready. My inner mama bear would be getting ready to show the world how loud it can roar to protect my DC.

Are they very precious? There are loads of single parent families out there, why are they asking questions re the ‘other’ parent? Don’t they know any other single parent families? Not their story to explain, they just say some families only have one parent.

Totally this

While I don't really understand why this needs to be such a big deal (I was adopted as a child, and didn't care who knew - I was brought up to believe that adoption was a very special thing, and I felt loved and secure about the whole process) - I do agree that it is your child's story to tell, and if your friends should respect your wishes on this.

That said, it's clearly not a secret, presumably many people in your area know, so it is a bit beyond your child's ability to control who does or doesn't know.

Those parents would do much better to teach their kid that not everything is their business!

How old are these children and your child?