To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

You are absolutely right it is none of their business and they absolutely have no right to share that information. Even you do not have the right to share this without your child's consent. It is for them to choose to share or not. Your supposed friends simply have to say they have no idea to their child. Our eldest son shared his adoption with (new) friend at new school as she is fostered, within a couple of weeks she told everyone else and it was used to taunt and tease. Unfortunately younger son as also adopted and the choice to reveal that (or not) was taken away from him.

Would you reveal your friends first sexual partner to your child if he/she really wanted to know? Of course not. Your friend is an insensitive short sighted f**g t*t.

@TeaOrCoffeeOrHotChocolate they haven't told them about it. The children have asked why the OP is a single Mum.

my neighbours 5 yo comes & chats to me, 'life' is just occurring to her. She suddenly feels very sorry because I don't have a husband.

🤣🤣🤣in an attempt not to make her jaded I just said I liked living by myself, then no one can tell me what time to go to bed.

she asks the funniest things! She's 5, how can you possibly be offended!

If they were friends they would respect OP wishes. It's none of their business.

Intelligent children do systemise, analyse, and ask questions to get the explanations they need. Even when really quite young.

You might not have noticed this but it doesn't make it untrue.

Ps similar situation here. I used to tell people quite openly why my DC had only one parent but once my DC was older I decided, as you did, that it was my DC’s story to tell. I would have felt the same as you do about your friends. My child has, over the years, given several different accounts to various people depending on the situation, who was asking, mood at the time - sometimes it was the truth and others times complete bs such as the other parent was dead - I left it entirely to my child who fortunately appears to have come through it as a well balanced individual. I hope your child gets the chance to tell her story her way when she is ready and not be forced into it by your friends complete lack of understanding

Why don’t you tell your daughter her friend is asking questions and see want she wants to do? If she says she doesn’t want the friend to know then hopefully the parents will respect that but she may decide the time has come for her to tell her friend herself

They really don't. They should because their friend has asked them not to do so and if they were good friends they'd respect that but on reality they can tell their DC whatever they like and there is nothing OP can do to stop them.

Your friends have to respect the wishes of you and your DC.

No they didn’t. OP knew these people when she adopted her child. Unless she was going to claim the stork brought her, how do you expect her to have explained the sudden existence of a child in her life?

You need to open your mind a little. Just because YOU were happy for everyone to know and YOU can’t understand the OP’s reticence, it doesn’t mean she’s wrong.

Something being nobody’s else’s business doesn’t make it a secret or shameful. OP has confirmed how she feels, and more importantly, how her daughter feels. The desire of some so-called “friend” to share this information with her children does NOT override that.

I would hold firm on this @Hellotoyouandyou
Your friend could say to her DC that every family set up is different and it isn't polite to nose into other people's personal business. Having one parent is no more remarkable than having 2, or having same sex parents, or step parents or any other number of set ups and it is bad manners to speculate.

Your friends are being completely unreasonable. This really isn’t about them or their child, they’re making the focus their own child and themselves and this is selfish. It’s yours and your child’s story to tell. They should just say say all families are different some people don’t see their dads, which is true in your child’s case too. Full stop. I’m annoyed for you thay they’re even putting you in this position

"Their child might be upset" that they didn't know. Their child does not have the right to know anything about your family. Good time for that child to learn about privacy.

Sorry op , I didn’t read your updates prior to posting.

the updates I feel make it even worse in some ways! It’s purely your friend gossiping!

a massive amount of children live in a one parent household it’s not unsual at all.

every one has different families is a perfect response

I honestly don’t believe that your friend’s child has asked , other then a passing- where is my friends dad , in which case it’s a perfect response.

An adoptee's perspective here ..my backstory to being adopted is that I was born prematurely because my birth mum was a drug addict. She therefore obviously couldn't take care of me.

If I tell people I'm adopted, I'm happy to share with them certain details, but not all the nitty gritty details. I understand why the OP feels so protective of her DC and it certainly is their story to tell. They shouldn't feel pressure to disclose any details or information they don't feel comfortable with.

There are any number of responses to 'where is 'X's' dad.

'Families come in all shapes' is one of them.

And 'X' is adopted is another.

I hope we can gradually move away from adoption being a shameful secret, and become just another way families are formed.

This sounds like it’s coming from the parents, not the children.

In my experience kids don’t give a shiny shit about this stuff- not if it isn’t related to them anyway!
Definitely not past a passing question- and that can only have come from the parents to start with- how else would they know to ask ?

however , you can’t dictate what one parent tells their child. Sadly

express How disappointed you would be if they went against your wishes, and disrespected your child’s privacy .

I’m an adoptive parent and it is absolutely your DC story to tell (if/when they choose to)
what gives your friends child the right to demand personal information about your DC, how will it make any difference to a 7 year old anyway? Surely they are friends because they get along and like similar things, 7 year olds don’t need to know about family dynamics!
Are you sure your friend hasn’t already told them (annd maybe other people too) and js now back tracking to try and gain your consent?! If your friend is this pushy and not respecting your boundaries, she is not a true friend and she certainly doesn’t understand adoption at all.
I would distance myself from her personally.

DD (teen!) is enjoying the questions. Why don't you have a dad? Because he's dead, so's my mum (in our case).

Then everyone gives me side eye looks 😂I have been her mum since she was 2 (and both birth parents alive at the time).

She enjoys watching adults tie themselves in knots over something so completely normal. Her birth parents couldn't look after her, so she was adopted.

@Hypen

Both my son’s birth parents are alive and (not so )well. Ive met dad many times - we get on very well thank you
Why would you think adopters woukd be told birth parents are dead, unless they are.

The details are private. But a family made by adoption? DD was 5 when she came home, so it was obvious that she wasn't my birth child. It has never been a secret that she is my daughter by adoption, so it has never been a big issue. It is just another variation of family. Much better to be open and not feel it is somehow shameful.

The details about her birth family and adoption are private, and up to her to share or not.

You got there before me @Ted27

@Hypen

I have reported your post.

The op did not wreck anybodys life. Decisons about adoption are made by courts long before any adopter enters the picture
your remark is both inaccurate and hurtful