DD’s friend ruined her shoes!

What @honeyteabee said. This girl is not your daughter's friend. Try and sit down with your daughter and have a conversation that will lead her to a light bulb moment use examples that show someone is being treated disrespectfully. Work on increasing her confidence and self esteem, she needs to work out that friends like this aren't worth having.

She isn't a friend. But good to know you'd be happy with your own kids being friends with this person.

"I’ve told DD to drop her as a friend because I said that’s beyond disrespectful but unfortunately she feels like she doesn’t have many friends and would be very lonely without her."

You're not being unreasonable to say that to her but your DD is not unreasonable to not take your advice OP.

As others have said, it's a hard life lesson for her but your DD should ask her friend to replace the trainers. Friend will probably tell her to jog on, in which case DD would be foolish to remain friends, but hopefully she will come to that conclusion herself.

It's a hard life lesson for a parent to realise that our children don't always listen to our advice!

I'm derailing a bit, but washing the trainers in the washing machine might help (and it can't do any harm if they're knackered anyway)

and her friend asked her to pick her up and could she please bring a spare pair of shoes.

She didn't have to take the shoes though.

Why did her friend need them?

I did read it what’s your point?

If your daughter is old enough and responsible enough to drive, she is old enough to ask her own friend for her shoes back and if said friend keeps “forgetting” then she needs to be firm and say she’s coming round to get them or not lend them in the first place!

They are young adults. Leave them to it

Well, your DD has learnt that the price for keeping a friendship is a brand new pair of trainers. Are you more upset than she is? I wouldn't tell my daughter to drop a friend, just to hold back on doing favours like this. This is where the backbone is needed, to say no. You just say no. No need to give a reason why.

Being a people pleasing doormat isn’t the gateway to friendship. It’s the gateway to a life of CFs who will take advantage.

We all learn the wrecked new trainers lesson at some point when we are young. The main thing, for you her parent to do, is to coach her how to handle the situation in future. And maybe try and boost her self esteem so she’s not so eager to set herself on fire to keep others warm.

So tell her that she needs to toughen up. Give her strategies to avoid being in such a situation again.

Otherwise the next thing will be her car …

And you wouldn't be pissed off? Her daughter obviously has self esteem issues and the girl is using her. Why everyone thinks because she's old enough to drive it's not a problem.

Op I would encourage your daughter to make better friends, is she working/ hobbies/ uni etc.

Did your dd first ask the friend to replace the shoes? Feels like that would be a more valuable lesson in self-assertion.

Also might add somebody worked hard to pay for these shoes.

I can see if your daughter bought them it might more her call to decide to let it go but if you, her Dad or a grandparent gave them as a gift then it will make it really hard to swallow.

The shoes been given to make your daughter happy and all they've brought is stress and disappointment.

Don't be too hard on OP people as if this had happened to me my mum wouldn't have gone to mumsnet as a wise woman looking for advice and support

No she would have given the (not)friend a piece of her mind!!

Speaking as a daughter who was once a teenager not too long ago. I feel you need to be honest with you daughter and tell this (Not)friend is not really her friend & she deserves better. Know from what you've said she would rather keep this friendship. But she does seem a kind generous person who deserves better.

Others have said don't interfere in your daughters life but just once or maybe twice tell her plain - "you deserve better" - then let it go. Whatever you do dont go into protective Mama Bear and challenge the friend about the long term borrowing & shoe damage.

Reading your post what stands out for me is this is not shoe damage its repetitive shoe abuse. Plus her refusing to return them and then when she got fed up of being asked cruelly destroying them in an act of vengeance. (Not)Friend has obviously tugged on the heartstrings "oh let me borrow them/wish they were mine" and then out of jealously of your daughter attempted to take them for herself. When that failed she callously wore them into the ground.

I'm guessing she is jealous of your daughter. Maybe your family has more money or maybe she envies her something else (a boyfriend, happy home, better school grades).

Don't beat yourself up. You are a good mum.

You are not being unreasonable.

Stupid to lend brand new shoes but at least she knows friend is a bit of a knob

Giving advice is one thing, but telling her to drop her friend is way too much.

your DD is prioritising her ongoing friendship with this girl over the trainers. you may not agree with that choice, but it's her call to make. as long as this isn't a persistent and repeating issue that you DD keeps whinging to you about then not sure why you're giving it head space

Live her life with friends who treat her and her property with contempt?!

Lifts, refusing to return property, ruining property

Her mum is right to try and guide her.

YABU. Stop trying to wreck your daughter's relationships and let her live her life.

It’s just one of those lessons learned when you’re young. ‘Don’t lend anything you don’t want to lose permanently’ is just life experience, your daughter sounds like she’s old enough to deal with this herself.

It’s a hard lesson to learn, but I’m not sure what you’re hoping for from this thread, @softlykillingme?

It's up to your daughter if she continues the friendship or not. She was daft to lend someone her brand new trainers though.

Your daughters shoes your daughters choice to lend them
Its ok to be a bit annoyed but not up to you to interfere.
Do speak to your DD about not putting up with crap from people though

This is a great life lesson for your daughter.

If the friend's behaviour is usually OK I wouldn't be asking my daughter to stop the friendship

However I am hoping your daughter will be more on her guard going forward and that her CF ALERT has been recalibrated...

In your shoes OP (absolutely no pun intended acrually)I wouldn't be too happy w the friend