DD’s friend ruined her shoes!

I can absolutely imagine the emotion & backstory around this event!
Friendship can always be tricky. We talk a lot here about friends for a reason, season & a life time and we recently added in acquaintances.

Reason - doing a club together, friendship stops if you or they leave the club
Season - useful idea, it's just for a time so when we all had toddlers the same age or we were at college together
Lifetime - they grow out of the first two, so rare, so precious

Acquaintances - recent category for DD, she needs to work with people on her uni course but there's been the odd bit of bitching, this category has taken the emotion and expectations out of a long term, group. They are just acquaintances.

I had some tough times (dropped by toddler mums eventually) but this really helped take the sting out, made me feel a bit more in charge even when aware my friendships were unbalanced or a bit sparse. My teens like it, its positive about sometimes a low level of friendship quality!

I'd talk to your DD about people pleasing. I wish someone had talked to me at that age. I'm still a massive people pleaser and it just results in dealing with constant crap.

you dont have to do anything but be an ear to her op, i assume you have made your feelings clear about the shoes and the so called friend

Your daughter has to learn to fight her own battles, no matter how hard it is for you to witness someone treating her contemptuously.

@Hillarious
Exactly!

Poor kid, fortunately we learn from our experiences. I remember when my son was a late teen organising something or another, buying all the tickets, then either friends dropping out or others taking their time to pay. After that he was still the organiser, but had a cut off date for the money before buying tickets.
It's how they learn that not everybody is like themselves.
Your daughter doesn't need to drop her friend, she will now know not to lend her anything.

I think it’s hard being a parent for so many years when your in control of what they eat, who they see, what they wear etc and then all of a sudden they make their own decisions.

I can see how it would be hard, but you need to allow your daughter to figure this out on her own.

Lesson learned. Bit silly giving her new trainers away…
I had a friend who always asked to borrow my handbags, jewellery etc… As she wouldn’t spend on her own stuff. A ruined handbag was my lesson learned. She’s always ask for my shoes (two sizes bigger than me!), luckily we weren’t the same clothes size… Every time I wore a nice necklace she’d say, can I have that when you’re finished with it? Your DD’s friend is just one of those people, she probably has other better qualities!

You are too invested by far. I can see it’s annoying but it’s only a pair of trainers.

Your daughter needs to learn to run her own relationships, and this is a good opportunity for her to do that.

I would move on from the shoes and if daughter is driving friend about then make sure she gets petrol money off the friend

Your DD should demand that her ' friend' reimburses her, those trainers were brand new and not worn and now they look like they have been dragged through a hedge backwards and she needs to do the right thing and cough up.

Your daughter should demand those trainers are replaced like for like and not with a cheaper pair. That will show her idiot friend she won't stand for this kind of nonsense again.

Your DD could do with not lending this so called friend anything in the future.

As she drives she is a young adult so will decide herself what she will do in the future hopefully she will see the true colours of this friend and keep her at a distance

Life is a learning curve.

I have learnt never to loan clothes or shoes I am not prepared to lose. I have had two similar experiences - both with new clothes / both took years to return and came back damaged and unwearable.

2nd - keep her friend for time being but sit down and decide how to make new friends and then reduce contact with said friend.

also I am guessing they are both 17 - likely friend is just being immature and in a few years time when older they might laugh about it.

Can your DD ask her friend to replace the shoes? I think it’s completely fair for her to ask the friend to replace them if they are ruined. I know @redfacebigdisgrace is saying they’re dirty and not ruined, but I’d argue that they are ruined, as it doesn’t like a quick clean will just make them as good as new.

Ohhh, a battered trainers thread featuring two young girls!

They’re dirty not ruined.

Some people don’t put much store in possessions. Unless there’s a lot of history of this girl taking your daughter for granted/being unkind I would leave it now. I get wound up by this sort of stuff like you do, so I relate! I’ve learnt to take a step back.

Surely friend should pay to replace if she ruined them?

I understand why you’re annoyed but I think you need to step back here. Just boost your daughter’s self esteem and say that’s annoying, don’t lend her anything again. Then move on. She’s at least 17 so needs to figure this stuff out for herself. Having you wind her up won’t help. Say your piece then move on and focus on building her up in a positive way.

But your DD wants to keep this friend. She just has to be wise to her antics and not let herself be put in that position again.

Has she not asked the friend to reimburse the cost of the ruined shoes? If not why not?

I think encouraging your daughter to widen her friendship group so that she doesn't feel that she needs to maintain these kinds of relationships is the priority. I would also keep an eye on that friendship dynamic, I had a best friend who, looking back, sabotaged other friendships I tried to make to keep me dependent on her. Your DD seems to have some self-worth issues which is really common in teens, so helping her feel like she is worth more than this will be how she sets better boundaries for herself. Her friend does sound like a CF though.

Quick wash in washing machine and shoe tree will sort them out.

What's the timeline here? How long did the friend have the trainers to completely trash them, and 'never attempted to clean them'. Did she have them for months and wear them everyday, because if it was less than that I don't understand how she could have done irreparable damage in a few days or even a couple of weeks.
Have you tried putting them through the washing machines stuffing them with newspaper and letting them dry.