another MIL one

Where have I said they would be funding all family birthday parties, I have said that they should do the first birthday party as they have contributed to the christening party that is not needed.

The Op has stated that they are fair and equal, in gift giving and helping out, the OP has decided to contribute for food at the christening but is not going to for a first birthday.

Also the OP has dripped feed the thread, as I read it in the first few posts she was talking about a gift not the contribution to food.

They’re contributing to one off events, not funding all the family birthday parties from here to eternity.

Your other threads have said that they are having financial difficulties. Which you allude to.

If you are going to contribute to one event for food, you should do one event in the interest of fairness.

Well that changes it a lot - paying c. £250 towards the expense of hosting a Christening (an extra family event) that the whole family will enjoy is a generous and kind thing to do and I've got no idea why your other children feel hard done by. Then all parents pay for their child's first birthday.

If you were just giving a christening gift then I would understand but you are also paying for food for the christening party, so should pay for food at other parties to keep it fair.

Your DD could just get the child christened and not have a party, just like you think that your son and DIL should not have a party for their child's first birthday as they cant afford.

I was with you about the gift and then you are saying you will help out with catering etc.

Totally reasonable OP. It’s money towards the costs of the specific celebration event. No event, no money. The baptised child will presumably also have a first birthday party that her / his parents will sort out?

Out of interest, if one of the non-religious families were holding a naming day celebration for their child, would you contribute to that? I know some people do this. (My guess is that you would, as it’s more that this is a significant one off event support thing, rather than a “support only for religious institutions” thing).

as ive just said, its to help towards food/buffet, its not THE gift

Exactly though. So they are getting a gift for the christening plus you are paying towards the party. Not sure why you take such great offence to the other child asking about contributing towards the party for their baby also. It doesn’t seem that outrageous that they would ask given you’re contributing to one party and according to your post have made it quite clear to them there is a put of money available for various celebrations.

@itainthalfhot you're not being unreasonable at all! I never took money for anything from my dad (he was a single parent) once I became an adult, not for a car, the deposit on my first house, the birth of my child... nothing. I think it's massively self entitled to act that way. You are choosing to contribute towards life events for your children which is generous enough, and if these events don't happen there shouldn't be a cash alternative option for any of them! Like you said, some will get married, some will have baby showers, gender reveals etc, and some will have baptisms, you can't pay for every hypothetical event for all of them, that would be ridiculous!

I don't think a cash gift is appropriate for a Christening really under these circumstances and all these cash gifts for every occasion seem a bit formulaic and have led to an unhealthy expectation.

Depends on how much it is really. Guessing £50 would not be noteworthy but something like £1K - well I can see why that has lead to some grabby claims of unfairness.

SIL has her children baptised - we didn't. It didn't even occur to me to think her children getting an extra gift, and I have no idea what PIL gave as a gift. I just know what we gave. We didn't have the expense of paying for a Christening so I'm sure we could've levelled it if were were bothered at all out of that saved money. Maybe a bit of over-sharing going to too? Likewise PIL gave us £1K for our wedding - I suspect SIL got more but that is really not our business and I definitely don't want to know!

Did I say it was incorrect? No, I didn't. I just stated what the usual practice was. It doesn't mean there aren't variations.

But that is exactly my point isn't it?

Different families do different things. Neither is incorrect.

I've known lots of babies to get baptised and no-one has ever provided bonds or investments. If that's a family or cultural tradition, then so be it, do what you know.

Depending on the size of the gift, it could be seen as an incentive or bribe. Not if, like OP, you're donating a bit to the refreshments afterwards. I'd be more likely to feel a push to do it if my child was rewarded with things like bonds and investments so they don't miss out.

Usually for you.

For others it's premium bonds.

For others it's investment in an ISA.

Of course it's not an incentive. If you choose to baptise your child you are doing so for religious reasons. If you as the parent do it because there is a cash gift for the baby that's on you not the donor of the gift!

DS and DIL are being ridiculous and greedy. Of course their child doesn’t get a baptism gift if they don’t get baptised.
It’s as if they think you have a duty to give them money just because you have it. They should understand that nobody is obliged to give gifts at all. If they get given money for anything, they should be grateful.

Which denomination are you? Church of England Christenings are free so you're not paying for the Christening, just giving them a cash gift?

I think it's a bit mean to be honest, and I say that as a practising Christian.

Usually baptism gifts might be a piece of jewellery or a book or keepsake. Huge cash gifts would be strange to me but it's your money to decide what to do with. It would probably feel a bit like you're providing an incentive to baptise a child.