another MIL one

my nephews were christened and my parents gave some money towards the christening. My baby was not as we are atheist. I did not think my baby should be compensated for her cousins having a christening. That’s very weird and grabby. My child and presumably theirs will have other occasions on which they are spoiled - and my child (and my
husband and I) also got to enjoy the christening gift as guests.

Why are grown up children asking for money? I wouldn’t dream of asking for anything from my Mum for son. She buys him gifts when she wants to not when I want her to.

I don't think yabu at all. As another pp said, baptism is a once in a lifetime event whereas birthdays one around every year. There is bound to be a time when your other dgc have reason to celebrate something that the others don't and I'm sure the your ds and Dil wouldn't be happy if all other dgc received the same gift for the sake of evening things out. One may go to university, one might learn to drive, another may achieve something special in another context such as sport, scouting/guiding etc. You would only expect to acknowledge that achievement, not just hand out cash randomly to the others? As far as exams go, personally, I reward effort, not achievement. If someone achieved 9s or 1's, the important thing is that they gave it their very best shot.
It sounds as though for you and your family, baptism is definitely a spiritual occasion, not just an excuse for a jolly up. You speak of church members enjoying a coffee and slice of cake after. That sounds like a true welcome to the church family and imo, is not comparable to a first birthday party.

Op I'm a bit late to this so I hope you see this.

I grew up in Denmark confirmations are a HUGE thing there with big celebrations and large cash gifts.

Of my 4 only ds has chosen to get confirmed. When he did both my father stepdad and sister sent him generous amounts as a gift for his confirmation. His sisters understood that as they had not chosen to have this celebration of their faith this would not be given to them.

We celebrate that moment and decision
We are not "spreading it out evenly" in the suggestion of the 1st birthday they are actively suggesting that 1 grandchildren should not get the same as the others.

Hold firm it doesn't matter if you call it a gift or a contribution. It is for this child's christening and the others have chosen to not have this celebration. So no gift/contribution.

I'm not sure about tying a cash gift to a religious decision to be honest.
I would personally take the policy that the same amount of money is there for each DC and DGC, which will be gifted at a timing that is appropriate for them and their needs, be it wedding, house purchase or other relevant event (exam results, graduation, driving lessons... whatever is needed or relevant to them as an individual), or otherwise will sit on trust for them so if you die without them taking it they will still receive the same as their siblings/cousins have. This allows you to be even handed but also help each of them when they need it, rather than giving an arbitrary gift for 1st birthday or whatever and then refusing when they actually need it.

It's a baptism gift. If they don't get married they don't get the wedding gift. Not sure why they are moaning.

You are not being unreasonable. You’ve agreed to help with once in a lifetime special occasions. While birthdays are important to children, they happen every year and the cost of the party is for the parents to pay. It’s part of the expense of raising children.
I would also be annoyed if my child started telling me how to spend my money.
Giving money to help with big life events is a lovely thing to do but I imagine the business about the first birthday party, and your child’s sense of entitlement to a share of your cash, is souring it a bit.
People do act strange over money. I’ve seen families tear themselves apart over a small inheritance. It seems to bring out the worst in people.
I don’t know what you can do about it now they all know about your windfall. Like you say, you can’t get into a situation where you are funding all the parties.
I think your post makes perfect sense. Clearly a wedding or a baptism is in a different category to a birthday party.

Your family set up seems similar to mine. You and your husband would be “My parents” in this scenario.
My parents have 4 kids between them. My Stepmum has 2 and my Dad has 2. They are also church goers.
My Stepbrother has 2 children, non churchgoers didn’t get children baptised. My brother and my stepsister have no children.
i have a son, go to church and got my son christened.
There is absolutely no way that any of my siblings would query if my parents gave a gift to my son or us for the christening (I can’t remember if they did - he’s 19 now!). It’s a gift for a set occasion and would be treated like that.
We understand that different siblings have been given gifts at different times for different occasions, although it’s kept quite private who has been given what and when. But we would certainly never quibble and say you’ve paid for that for them, so you should pay for something for us.
You’re not being unreasonable. It’s a gift for a set occasion, DS is being entitled and grabby.

Hi OP. This is slightly off the point but in your effort to be fair are you sure you're not being unfair to your two DC. Do your step children get gifts etc from their mother's side of the family. I think I've understood correctly that you're widowed. If so is your children's inheritance from their Dad protected? If not I would rethink this whole system.

OP - many people who don’t do a baptism or naming ceremony do a big family party for their dcs 1st birthday to still have the family event. At 1 they don’t really care/enjoy the party is it is for the grownups.

I got invited to a lot of friends babies first birthday parties but then not subsequent parties.

I do think the problem is you have called it a cash gift. You were never offering money, you were offering to buy the food. They never had the option to take the cash and not cater the party.

OP I hope this is sarcasm, you absolutely do not have to contribute to all future birthday parties. WTF I can’t believe the amount of flack you are getting, do people expect you to contribute to 10 year old grandsons birthday party to laser tag when only school friends are invited and no extended family.

It all seems pretty clear, for certain life events (baptism, wedding etc) you choose to give your children a specified cash gift.

If the thing doesn’t apply to them then they don’t get the gift, it is not a difficult concept & your DS is being somewhat cheeky to demand the gift for his child.

I would probably have chosen to put the same amount in a savings account for each grandchild at birth then they all get something but then one of the parents would complain that child X was born a few years prior to theirs and so has more interest and it’s not fair. Essentially some people are CFs and will always find something to complain about, especially where money is concerned.

Of course the grandparents shouldn't pay - you paid for your own children's parties.

Parents responsibility.

Just reiterate to them, should they change their mind and baptise their children to cash gift would be the same.

I would also be having a little talk about growing up and not comparing who's had what etc - just be grateful to have a loving family - many of us don't.

What next - a relative who isn't getting married demands a gift equal to what you're giving to a relative who is?

Demanding money like that is. . . not classy, to put it politely. Ignore.

@Newposter180 I'm afraid I'm back on my phone... the answer was by no means snippy ... but again it's all down to interpretation I guess.

You were talking about graduations and stuff... the babies are currently 2 months and 6 months old! We ARE a long way from graduation should they chose an academic route

Exactly - because the snippy posts to me made zero sense given that they appeared to me coming from a random person, not the OP.

Your grandchildren are young, and for now the amounts are small (all this over £250, shameful really). Where will it end? A card with £100 in it by way of congrats to the grandchild who got all A*s in her GCSEs. Will the parents of the grandchild who didn’t do so well expect the same “because they out in just as much effort and it’s not their fault they’re not as clever”?? Wedding gifts for those who marry, but the parents of those who don’t marry will ask for the same because “it’s not their fault they haven’t met someone, in fact they’re more deserving as they’re all alone”? God forbid when it comes to wills.

The ONLY way around this is to shut it down completely. Don’t tell anyone about anything, other than the people directly involved. If they talk amongst themselves and challenge you, have the same stock answer for them all: We’re not going to discuss our financial affairs with any of you.

This is ridiculous already and will only get more ridiculous as the grandchildren grow.

If you were being ordinarily charitable OP I'd concur with you. However, it would seem all your charitable acts are trumpeted about, talked about at length amongst the family causing all this unpleasantness.
I stand by my lady bountiful comment. You strike me as one of those people who enjoy handing out money but with mega strings attached.

Surely there will be other events in time, that not all the grandkids will have, graduations, kings scout award, special sports matches or performances. Things will be celebrated along the way and you'll probably make a call on giving a donation to the party, hopefully in a way that evens it all out between them.

You and your husband are financial over-sharers, which is the root of all these issues.
The DS that asked if you and your DH were funding the christening tea party -should have been firmly to mind their own business. It's nothing to do with telling lies; it's information they are not entitled to receive !!
Oh OP come on , the children asking for money and information are so rude, it's breathtaking. Get some boundaries in place OP, and stop all this financial over-sharing going forward.
There's a touch of the lady-bountifuls going on here though. That's the impression I'm forming anyway from your posts.

I didn’t say you owed them a party, not that you have to pay for everything.
I’m simply saying it’s not that crazy for this person to have gone to the GPs who are paying for a party for one baby. You say in your OP you have specifically let them know there is this pot of money available for various lifestyle events for them, so it’s not really out of nowhere for them to say ‘you paid £250 for cake and tea for baby A’s party what about baby B?’
Clarify it’s a post christening party and move on.

to be fair with the designer clothes they have cut off their noses despite their faces... we buy 1 outfit tops every couple of weeks, whereas with the 2nd hand stuff, it WAS designer stuff and we got bags of it for the same money!

Also I’m not sure the relevance of the clothes to this? The further details don’t really paint the couple in as bad of a light as you think.
Every few weeks you gave them bags of charity shop baby clothes? Honestly no one needs that much admin with a young baby.

I have a relative who dumps huge bags from the charity shop on me, a huge rage of baby sizes, season etc. it’s annoying. No one needs vast quantities.
1 outfit every few weeks max is more than enough of a gift from GPs. I’m sure they much prefer that. Plus if the size is wrong it can be swapped when new so it’s actually useful.