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Original poster

Parents not wanting to parent/tell their child no

189 replies

HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 07:54

I truly want to know if I am being unreasonable here.

I have loads of experiences with my primary age children's friends and their parents where their parents don't say no to their children and I then do so.

Examples:

Their primary aged child is breaking my children's toys with intention on a play date, parent says nothing and I have to interject.

Their primary aged child is going through my handbag and my personal belongings (keys, card etc) and their parent just sits there and says nothing so I have to interject and say no and tell the child why.

We are out at a restaurant and their primary aged kid runs about all over causing other customers to look frustrated and also walks round the table we are at and starts eating my dinner from my plate with their hands and parent says nothing. I have to find a way to interject.

In shops/gift shops one primary ages child screams if he can't get what he wants and the parent just buys it for him to stop the screaming. The child now knows that screaming and refusing to leave and throwing things off shelves in shops until he gets what he wants works. When the parents are there too my partner and I just walk away with our children and wait outside after we have for what we want (if we buy anything). If it's just me/my partner without the parents there then I/we tell the child we are looking after (not our own but on a play date) to pick the items up they have thrown on the floor and make clear the child will not be getting any treats if the behaviour continues. It works and the child behaves (for a while at least) but the child's own parents never do this.

At a story time event and children are asked to sit on the rug and listen but primary aged child runs and shouts all round the room spoiling things for the other children and parents say nothing... the person running story time tells them to behave each week and looks frustrated.

I also notice that if I ask a child not to do something and they then ask their parents if they can do it, their parent will say ask X (me!). Well, I've already told them no and the parent heard that but is refusing to reinforce it and simply doesn't want to parent.

I don't want to keep having to say no to their child! I've already said no.

These are just a few small examples but I'm noticing so often. I also notice it falls into two camps in our friendship group. The first are the parents who just want an easy life and don't especially want the 'inconvenience' of their child or dealing with their child's moods and negative feelings etc and the second are the parents who think their children can do no wrong and never say no to them.

Are my partner and I horrid parents for raising our children with boundaries (their own while also respecting other peoples)?

We are surrounded by so many parents who don't say no and their child/rens' behaviour impacts negatively on our kids and us too on days out etc,

These kids are neurotypical and, anyway, it's not about the kids' behaviour here (they are kids!) but rather about the fact we have so many friends who never tell their kids no or stop and so we have to sometimes when impacting on us.

How do you deal with this situation where friends' primary aged kids are misbehaving and it's impacting you directly but their parents don't say a peep?

Also, are we too harsh with our own kids?

Should we let our children run wherever they want, let them go through friends' personal possessions, break friends' toys with intention, leave their own dinner and eat someone else's dinner in a restaurant uninvited because they decided when it arrived they wanted that more?

These are just a few examples.

It's frustrating having to repeatedly put boundaries in place with other people's children while parenting your own simply because their kids have no/few boundaries but, even more so, my partner and I are wondering if we are too strict with our children because we DO have these boundaries in place (we know it's a way not only to respect other people but for our kids to respect themselves and feel healthy and secure. No can be good sometimes!).

Would love to hear thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 09:27

crostini · 25/07/2024 09:18

I see this a lot in middle class families with single child families especially boys. They're treated like the Christ child and can do no wrong. Funnily enough they always cast judgement on other children and parenting skills though, but of course the rules don't apply to little wilfred.

They are both middle and working class families in our friendship group, but you're right that it's mostly boys although one of the worst offenders is the mother of a girl who is an only child.

No matter what her daughter does she is never wrong and the mother will tie herself in knots to blame other peoples' kids for her daughter's behaviour even in the face of all evidence to the contrary!

OP posts:
TaylorSwish · 25/07/2024 09:24

You are way too polite and a much nicer person than me!
They are terrible parents and it’s made their children turn into little shits.
I would be livid if paid to eat in a nice restaurant and a random child ate my food!
I would tell your friends why I can’t be friends with them. Not a lot of people will put up with that behaviour.

crostini · 25/07/2024 09:18

I see this a lot in middle class families with single child families especially boys. They're treated like the Christ child and can do no wrong. Funnily enough they always cast judgement on other children and parenting skills though, but of course the rules don't apply to little wilfred.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/07/2024 09:15

We want to maintain friendships but find a way to shut down behaviour in a way that doesn't cause issues

In many ways this will probably sort itself out naturally if you just carry on with your own sensible boundaries

Those capable of guiding their DCs will most likely remain friends, and others who'll raise Cain if someone so much as tuts at their child will fall away gradually - or possibly instantly with a slam of the door and a sneer

The point is that it's not always possible to avoid "issues" with poor parenting - they'll pay the price in time - but there's no obligation to make the consequences your own

monotonousmum · 25/07/2024 09:15

I haven't noticed it as widespread as you've described. Though no doubt all kids can be little shits at times and I try not to judge isolated interactions.

But we have two families we're closw friends with, I love spending time with them both. But...one family parent exactly as we do and the kids are generally a pleasure to be around.

The other family is massively lacking in boundaries. They have two kids same ages and ours and I find myself more often not wanting to see them as I can't stand the constant screaming and screeching when they want something. The problem here is primarily the Dad, or the fact that both parents aren't on the same page. The Mum tries to say no but the Dad is away with the fairies and just gives in to everything. She's fighting a loosing battle. The same breaking of toys, eating food of plates etc. The attitude of them is awful. And it does sometimes make me question my own parenting because I feel like I'm always saying no in comparison.

Sunshineafterthehail · 25/07/2024 09:13

See them without dc.. Your dc really won't like hanging out with such dc... My mate never told her ds off.. So I did. She never wanted to go anywhere because his behaviour was so entitled.. Dropped her years ago and often wonder what sort of adult he became...
We had ds's the same age and the difference between them behaviour wise was madly obvious...

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 25/07/2024 09:10

Get new friends

Supersoakers · 25/07/2024 09:08

At my dd’s 7th party some of the kids were running around while they were meant to be eating. Hilariously it was their parents who’d stayed and didn’t say anything! I was quite shocked and as a teacher told them to sit down myself eventually as they clearly weren’t going to. But I didn’t do it forcefully as I didn’t want to upset them.
Ive got 2 older ones and they and their peers were told off more. They grew up with super nanny ethos and I feel like it’s gone too far the other way now.

MiGatoEsBonitoTuGatoEsFeo · 25/07/2024 09:08

HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 09:01

@Sometimeswinning not easily influenced at all (not sure how you got that from the thread considering I made clear that we do enforce boundaries while many others don't!) but rather care so much about our kids' wellbeing that we want to make sure we are doing as well as we can by them

But how would boundaries be bad for a child's well-being?

Hoppinggreen · 25/07/2024 09:07

Imagine if it was your SIL who refused to use the word no to her kids?
Bloody nightmare and I avoided them like the plague, mind you I imagine she wasn't bothered as I was quite happy to tell her kids no if necessary

GingerPirate · 25/07/2024 09:07

What to say?
Twats bringing up a twat.
Happy I don't have any kids and am not around these people.

MulberryBushRoundabout · 25/07/2024 09:05

What’s your demographic OP? I’ve seen this, yes it’s shit parenting, but I’ve not seen it as concentrated as you’re describing.

Our primary school has about 40 families, there are two like this, and they have the two most unpleasant children in school - one is a bully, the other is a spoiled brat. People who parent like this are doing their children a major disservice.

But on what to do… well either it’s enough to affect your friendships or it isn’t. We can’t tell you that. Of course you don’t have to put up with kids doing things that affect you directly, but how they affect other people is not your problem. So the kid at the restaurant - them running around is not your problem, but you should tell them not to take your food. Try meeting at places with fewer potential issues - go to the playground maybe.

GRex · 25/07/2024 09:05

I said:
Surely it's one kid who went through your handbag, so you just don't see them again.

You said:
If you think I'm harsh for not wanting friend's kids to rummage through my credit cards and tampons

This is you asking a genuine question? Really? I suppose you've got your wish in replies, but I'm out.

Mostlycarbon · 25/07/2024 09:04

There are plenty of parents like the ones you describe but there are plenty of good parents too. If kids behaved like that round my house or out on a day trip and their parent was that useless I would back off and not want to socialise with them again. I don't have millions of mum friends but the ones I do are great parents with a similar parenting style to me. Just makes it easy for a pleasant day out. Also, I respect and admire them as parents which is one of the reasons we're friends: I value their advice and judgement.

Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 09:01

@Sometimeswinning not easily influenced at all (not sure how you got that from the thread considering I made clear that we do enforce boundaries while many others don't!) but rather care so much about our kids' wellbeing that we want to make sure we are doing as well as we can by them

OP posts:
MiGatoEsBonitoTuGatoEsFeo · 25/07/2024 09:00

"This is a genuine question.

We're surrounded by so much passive and/or permissive parenting In wondering if we are ogres for saying no!"

I'm sorry I don't see how that can be a genuine question. Your question was whether you're horrid parents for raising your kids with boundaries. Other people's and their own boundaries.
If you were genuinely questioning this, you wouldn't have worded it this way.

Anyway, yes this type of parent sounds lazy and would be exhausting to be around.
I live on a council estate with lots of children and parents around here don't seem to have any problem telling their children "no" and it's not really something I've come across.

fiskal · 25/07/2024 08:59

This thread is a bit silly.

You obviously do think you're firmly in the right OP. You're not interested in advice about distancing yourself from these friends or meeting up without kids.

If your friends are people you like and respect then maybe just accept that we all parent differently. If it really is a problem get some new parents who reflect your values and parenting style.

Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 08:58

userloadsofnumbers · 25/07/2024 08:41

Unfortunately I do know exactly what you mean. My youngest is at private school and I'd say the majority of parents in his year parent this way. My older two (much older) also went private but it wasn't the case back then so I do think things have changed.

Incidentally, we also have a very high proportion of only children in his year - don't mean to be controversial and I know not all 'onlys' are treated like this but at this school they are definitely indulged and never told no!

I didn't think about this and don't judge based on someone being an only but some are only and some are with siblings.

The one who we never invited around again after breaking things etc does have a sibling, for example, but she is about five years older than the boy and the mother expects her to parent the child too which isn't fair in her as she's just a child too. So, my partner, me, the sister were telling the boy no at various times and the mother never has. She just sits back or stands back and seems to zone out. But this is also the case with days out eg the kids never get taken anywhere unless someone else suggests and plans a day out. It's like the mother had clocked out.

OP posts:
Neolara · 25/07/2024 08:57

My DC are secondary age and I had a little of this when they were younger. By DC3 I had become quite militant and had a one strike and you're not invited back policy. Poorly behaved kids did my head in. I had absolutely no interest in dealing with it.

Thomasina79 · 25/07/2024 08:57

You are quite right to lay down boundaries, I would agree with others that you should meet outside. I would not have this child in my house.

he is going to grow up to be a terrible teenager! There was a post earlier about a poor lady with what sounds like feral teenagers and she was at the end of her tether. I think this boy will be joining them in due course.

Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 08:53

GRex · 25/07/2024 08:49

You're being rather false here OP. Surely it's one kid who went through your handbag, so you just don't see them again. It's impossible to tot up the numbers of other kids; I would guess many of the examples are the same family.

If it's just a few then find new mates. If it's everyone you come across though, then it's worth considering if you are a bit harsh In how you assess behaviour. Not every request for a toy has to be no; the child might have had their own pocket money and free range picking a toy. An overly strict parent near us described another child as "running around" when they got up and went to toilet, darkly muttering about kids waiting until the end of the meal. My own DS will go to the cafe bar area to order an extra drink or snack with a debit card to pay, maybe that looks like "running around" to you too?

Not being false you're reading the post/thread incorrectly. I made clear it's multiple other families/children who are very permissive. I'd say over 60% of our friendships are like this with permissive parenting.

If you think I'm harsh for not wanting friend's kids to rummage through my credit cards and tampons or grab half my food from my plate with their unwashed hands in a restaurant or throw things on the floor in a shop because I won't buy them everything they ask for then I appreciate your feedback

OP posts:
GRex · 25/07/2024 08:49

You're being rather false here OP. Surely it's one kid who went through your handbag, so you just don't see them again. It's impossible to tot up the numbers of other kids; I would guess many of the examples are the same family.

If it's just a few then find new mates. If it's everyone you come across though, then it's worth considering if you are a bit harsh In how you assess behaviour. Not every request for a toy has to be no; the child might have had their own pocket money and free range picking a toy. An overly strict parent near us described another child as "running around" when they got up and went to toilet, darkly muttering about kids waiting until the end of the meal. My own DS will go to the cafe bar area to order an extra drink or snack with a debit card to pay, maybe that looks like "running around" to you too?

Macaroni46 · 25/07/2024 08:46

One of the reasons why I left teaching was because of parents like this. Imagine 4 or 5 poorly parented children in a class and the effect that has on the overall behaviour. And of course, their parents will support their precious little darlings, not the strict nasty teacher!

Sometimeswinning · 25/07/2024 08:44

HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 08:27

This is a genuine question.

We're surrounded by so much passive and/or permissive parenting In wondering if we are ogres for saying no!

Show quote history

Well I worry for you if you are this easily influenced! I also thought you were either disingenuous or at least being sarcastic.

userloadsofnumbers · 25/07/2024 08:41

Unfortunately I do know exactly what you mean. My youngest is at private school and I'd say the majority of parents in his year parent this way. My older two (much older) also went private but it wasn't the case back then so I do think things have changed.

Incidentally, we also have a very high proportion of only children in his year - don't mean to be controversial and I know not all 'onlys' are treated like this but at this school they are definitely indulged and never told no!