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Original poster

Parents not wanting to parent/tell their child no

189 replies

HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 07:54

I truly want to know if I am being unreasonable here.

I have loads of experiences with my primary age children's friends and their parents where their parents don't say no to their children and I then do so.

Examples:

Their primary aged child is breaking my children's toys with intention on a play date, parent says nothing and I have to interject.

Their primary aged child is going through my handbag and my personal belongings (keys, card etc) and their parent just sits there and says nothing so I have to interject and say no and tell the child why.

We are out at a restaurant and their primary aged kid runs about all over causing other customers to look frustrated and also walks round the table we are at and starts eating my dinner from my plate with their hands and parent says nothing. I have to find a way to interject.

In shops/gift shops one primary ages child screams if he can't get what he wants and the parent just buys it for him to stop the screaming. The child now knows that screaming and refusing to leave and throwing things off shelves in shops until he gets what he wants works. When the parents are there too my partner and I just walk away with our children and wait outside after we have for what we want (if we buy anything). If it's just me/my partner without the parents there then I/we tell the child we are looking after (not our own but on a play date) to pick the items up they have thrown on the floor and make clear the child will not be getting any treats if the behaviour continues. It works and the child behaves (for a while at least) but the child's own parents never do this.

At a story time event and children are asked to sit on the rug and listen but primary aged child runs and shouts all round the room spoiling things for the other children and parents say nothing... the person running story time tells them to behave each week and looks frustrated.

I also notice that if I ask a child not to do something and they then ask their parents if they can do it, their parent will say ask X (me!). Well, I've already told them no and the parent heard that but is refusing to reinforce it and simply doesn't want to parent.

I don't want to keep having to say no to their child! I've already said no.

These are just a few small examples but I'm noticing so often. I also notice it falls into two camps in our friendship group. The first are the parents who just want an easy life and don't especially want the 'inconvenience' of their child or dealing with their child's moods and negative feelings etc and the second are the parents who think their children can do no wrong and never say no to them.

Are my partner and I horrid parents for raising our children with boundaries (their own while also respecting other peoples)?

We are surrounded by so many parents who don't say no and their child/rens' behaviour impacts negatively on our kids and us too on days out etc,

These kids are neurotypical and, anyway, it's not about the kids' behaviour here (they are kids!) but rather about the fact we have so many friends who never tell their kids no or stop and so we have to sometimes when impacting on us.

How do you deal with this situation where friends' primary aged kids are misbehaving and it's impacting you directly but their parents don't say a peep?

Also, are we too harsh with our own kids?

Should we let our children run wherever they want, let them go through friends' personal possessions, break friends' toys with intention, leave their own dinner and eat someone else's dinner in a restaurant uninvited because they decided when it arrived they wanted that more?

These are just a few examples.

It's frustrating having to repeatedly put boundaries in place with other people's children while parenting your own simply because their kids have no/few boundaries but, even more so, my partner and I are wondering if we are too strict with our children because we DO have these boundaries in place (we know it's a way not only to respect other people but for our kids to respect themselves and feel healthy and secure. No can be good sometimes!).

Would love to hear thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 26/07/2024 09:30

There was one incident where a mother and her kids came round for a play date and she was very very lazy. I cooked (quick pizza, salad) and made drinks and snacks but every time I went into the kitchen she allowed her kids to follow me without saying anything to them. She didn't parent them once (never does, whether fun stuff like day trips or telling them no) and so I kept ushering them back to the living room to play.

The son was shouting the whole time, banging everything he could, breaking toys and items.

I had told him no repeatedly as the mother sat on her ass and said and did nothing. Was running round having to take toys off him as he tried to break etc. Her kids are neurotypical.

I did eventually turn to her and say please can you tell him, this situation is very uncomfortable for me.

She still said nothing.

Our kids also hated the play date and don't want them back in our home.

They messaged afterwards to say what a great time they had and were very keen to do it again soon. I thought I bet you did, meals made, babysitting done. We haven't spent time with them again (interestingly, she never ever invited us to theirs. Because that would mean her having to do something).

It was the same with trips and days out. My partner or I would make all of the plans, come up with ideas, check times, buy tickets (she would refund) and she would just turn up and passively walk with us. No making things fun for the kids or adding any enthusiasm or pointing things out or the type of things people do on days out with kids. My partner and I would be entertaining her kids and ours.

Everything was a one way street. We felt like the unpaid hired helps!

Just so people who have commented don't think I'm a total wet wipe standing up for myself/putting boundaries in place with adults.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 26/07/2024 08:33

IncyWincyEyeroll · 25/07/2024 23:04

I find this thread interesting because I parent in a very similar way to you, OP, but find myself reading your posts and getting irritated, and I'm really interested in why I am! Have just spent a bit of time thinking about it, so here are my reflections, if helpful. I don't think you're being unreasonable (at all) in not liking the behaviour you describe, or being frustrated at other people's parenting styles. It feels a little like you have nowhere to go between "please stop that" and wanting the other parent to stop it, and your frustration that the other parent isn't doing it is turning into "god I'm good why can't everyone be as good as me?" It sounds like you really resent other parents for putting you in a position where you have to set a clear and firm boundary for their children. You describe it as being the bad guy, but in my view, it's not that, it's just stating your need in the moment, which is fine.

I wonder if you're seeing your need for other people to parent differently (or wish they would take your needs into account). That's the bit that's unreasonable I think, you might prefer people to do things differently, but they do what works for them, or what they think works for other people (which doesn't mean it's good, we all have our blind spots and failures) and you can't change that no matter how inferior you think it makes them. And I wonder if you're so frustrated by it that you've got a bit of confirmation bias (eg the example you gave of someone saying "OP asked you not to do that" could have been a way of telling the child that other people have different rules. I don't know, I wasn't there, but a friend of mine quite often says things like "I'm sure Incy doesn't want that kind of behaviour in her house", which i quite like as a way of reminding a child that they need to remember other people's rules and needs)

If you're looking for ideas, I think in the situation with the food and the handbag, I'd tell the child no as you did, and then when the parent directed them back to me, I'd pleasantly (personally I wouldn't mind being sharp about it, but sounds like you don't want to do that) ask them "could you tell x not do that please". It engages them in the problem. If they say "oh she's fine" (or whatever), it's reasonable to say "but it's not fine for me, could you ask her to stop please". And if you really want to avoid conflict, saying everything in a very jokey tone helps. Eg today a friend's child got very rough with mine so I stepped between them and said something like "woah (name), this is like a boxing match! Time to do something new, I'm taking (my child) over here!", but in the same tone that I'd say "ok kids time for ice cream!" to make it less conflictual. Fine not to want to grab a kid's wrist (I wouldn't either unless we were close), but also fine to put a physical barrier - standing up and holding the plate up would be a good one (and if you don't want the conflict, do it with a smile and a jokey comment about it being yours. Putting in place the physical barrier isn't the conflict, the tone is). But giving your food to the child and ordering a new one for the parent to pay for (no guarantee they will), or soaking food in salt and pepper, or loudly praising your children for their behaviour, is passive, and you are clearly comfortable being kindly assertive with your children, so I wonder if that is harder for some reason with adults? Can you find a middle ground that isn't sharply telling off a child/showing your anger or annoyance, but does directly state what you need? (Again personally I think it's ok to tell someone off/show annoyance, but aware you've said a few times you don't want to)

I agree with you on the social trend for permissive parenting, and it being damaging to children. I don't think actually people parented better in the past, but you saw it less because children did fewer things with adults (neither my mum nor dad went to a restaurant till they were adults themselves, and they played out unsupervised rather than had playdates; our expectations of what we do with children have changed). You can't tackle that without risking conflict unless you're genuinely interested in why other parents make different choices to you, which I think is very difficult to do when you're in the state of frustration that you seem to be. And it's fine to say there's no good reason to make those parenting choices, but that's a position from which you can only reach a better solution by addressing it directly rather than expecting the other parent to either be "better", or showing your annoyance in different ways that they might (but might not) pick up on.

I think this thread might so far just be reinforcing your frustration, so wanted to throw a different perspective in. Genuinely hope it's helpful, but if not, no problem.

I really like this response and perspective and it's very useful so thank you.

I have used and do use a similar approach elsewhere (no thank you ... because I don't like that) and it works great. I suppose I feel like kids maybe deserve more of an explanation with some things (unless hurting or whatever) and also there are some parents who are so touchy about ever telling their kids no that it becomes hard.

I'm going to implement this in future. The parent/can then explain why or why not or whatever but I don't care what the parents tell their own kids or how they tell them I just care that the child stops intruding on my boundaries and making me feel frustrated or uncomfortable in that moment.

There is one part I don't agree with and its about my feelings when I tell a child no repeatedly their parent hears and they still encourage their child to do that thing to me. It's normal to feel uncomfortable there and kind of trapped. Not after your response. Thanks for this.

OP posts:
IncyWincyEyeroll · 25/07/2024 23:04

I find this thread interesting because I parent in a very similar way to you, OP, but find myself reading your posts and getting irritated, and I'm really interested in why I am! Have just spent a bit of time thinking about it, so here are my reflections, if helpful. I don't think you're being unreasonable (at all) in not liking the behaviour you describe, or being frustrated at other people's parenting styles. It feels a little like you have nowhere to go between "please stop that" and wanting the other parent to stop it, and your frustration that the other parent isn't doing it is turning into "god I'm good why can't everyone be as good as me?" It sounds like you really resent other parents for putting you in a position where you have to set a clear and firm boundary for their children. You describe it as being the bad guy, but in my view, it's not that, it's just stating your need in the moment, which is fine.

I wonder if you're seeing your need for other people to parent differently (or wish they would take your needs into account). That's the bit that's unreasonable I think, you might prefer people to do things differently, but they do what works for them, or what they think works for other people (which doesn't mean it's good, we all have our blind spots and failures) and you can't change that no matter how inferior you think it makes them. And I wonder if you're so frustrated by it that you've got a bit of confirmation bias (eg the example you gave of someone saying "OP asked you not to do that" could have been a way of telling the child that other people have different rules. I don't know, I wasn't there, but a friend of mine quite often says things like "I'm sure Incy doesn't want that kind of behaviour in her house", which i quite like as a way of reminding a child that they need to remember other people's rules and needs)

If you're looking for ideas, I think in the situation with the food and the handbag, I'd tell the child no as you did, and then when the parent directed them back to me, I'd pleasantly (personally I wouldn't mind being sharp about it, but sounds like you don't want to do that) ask them "could you tell x not do that please". It engages them in the problem. If they say "oh she's fine" (or whatever), it's reasonable to say "but it's not fine for me, could you ask her to stop please". And if you really want to avoid conflict, saying everything in a very jokey tone helps. Eg today a friend's child got very rough with mine so I stepped between them and said something like "woah (name), this is like a boxing match! Time to do something new, I'm taking (my child) over here!", but in the same tone that I'd say "ok kids time for ice cream!" to make it less conflictual. Fine not to want to grab a kid's wrist (I wouldn't either unless we were close), but also fine to put a physical barrier - standing up and holding the plate up would be a good one (and if you don't want the conflict, do it with a smile and a jokey comment about it being yours. Putting in place the physical barrier isn't the conflict, the tone is). But giving your food to the child and ordering a new one for the parent to pay for (no guarantee they will), or soaking food in salt and pepper, or loudly praising your children for their behaviour, is passive, and you are clearly comfortable being kindly assertive with your children, so I wonder if that is harder for some reason with adults? Can you find a middle ground that isn't sharply telling off a child/showing your anger or annoyance, but does directly state what you need? (Again personally I think it's ok to tell someone off/show annoyance, but aware you've said a few times you don't want to)

I agree with you on the social trend for permissive parenting, and it being damaging to children. I don't think actually people parented better in the past, but you saw it less because children did fewer things with adults (neither my mum nor dad went to a restaurant till they were adults themselves, and they played out unsupervised rather than had playdates; our expectations of what we do with children have changed). You can't tackle that without risking conflict unless you're genuinely interested in why other parents make different choices to you, which I think is very difficult to do when you're in the state of frustration that you seem to be. And it's fine to say there's no good reason to make those parenting choices, but that's a position from which you can only reach a better solution by addressing it directly rather than expecting the other parent to either be "better", or showing your annoyance in different ways that they might (but might not) pick up on.

I think this thread might so far just be reinforcing your frustration, so wanted to throw a different perspective in. Genuinely hope it's helpful, but if not, no problem.

Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 19:25

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 25/07/2024 08:18

I agree about lack of boundaries. Watching a lot of mum friends with theirs and they are just unwilling to say no. When I've joked and asked 'who's in charge' they've often said that with their children being in nursery all week they don't want fall out on the limited time they have them so will swerve the actual boundary setting as it's too upsetting. The mums I know who are sahms don't seem to have the same reluctance and their children are better behaved. Only my experience before you lot come at me with pitchforks.

This is an interesting observation but they are a mixture of SAHMs, part- and full-time working parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 17:56

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 25/07/2024 17:35

Sounds to me like you're doing a good job of raising your own kids OP, but have you thought of actually questioning your so called friends, as to why they never say no to their children? If they're good friends, couldn't you say something like 'You know Sue, I've noticed every time we go out with the kids, that it's always me that stops the kids doing things that are naughty, silly, or dangerous, which leaves me always looking like the bad guy, do you think you could sort them out occasionally? Then look them in the eye, and wait for the excuses. You never know, it just might make them think about the little horrors they're creating, although I doubt it!

The trouble is though, that so many parents these days are lazy when it comes to disciplining their kids, and would sooner let them do what they want, than deal with the tantrums that arise when you stop them. Personally, I believe that it is our job as parents to teach them how to behave, and if you don't want to make the effort to do that, then don't have them, but all too often, it all proves to be too much trouble, and that's why there are so many feral kids around these days.

I think any conversation has to happen as something is happening so that they cannot make excuses and pretend that it didn't

So, while this kind of conversation would ideally take place in a calm thought out way not with the kids around and not while something with the kids is going on, I would have to do it while an act was taking place to avoid any denials and that wasn't my child etc.

I'm getting lots of tips from this though so keep them coming!

OP posts:
FranceIsWhereItsAt · 25/07/2024 17:35

Sounds to me like you're doing a good job of raising your own kids OP, but have you thought of actually questioning your so called friends, as to why they never say no to their children? If they're good friends, couldn't you say something like 'You know Sue, I've noticed every time we go out with the kids, that it's always me that stops the kids doing things that are naughty, silly, or dangerous, which leaves me always looking like the bad guy, do you think you could sort them out occasionally? Then look them in the eye, and wait for the excuses. You never know, it just might make them think about the little horrors they're creating, although I doubt it!

The trouble is though, that so many parents these days are lazy when it comes to disciplining their kids, and would sooner let them do what they want, than deal with the tantrums that arise when you stop them. Personally, I believe that it is our job as parents to teach them how to behave, and if you don't want to make the effort to do that, then don't have them, but all too often, it all proves to be too much trouble, and that's why there are so many feral kids around these days.

AvrielFinch · 25/07/2024 17:34

Yousaidwhatagain · 25/07/2024 09:40

I don't know anyone personally like this BUT public places are full of these little shits. A few weeks ago we went to the playground, a group of children (6-8) looking, were just being absolute vile shits and spoiling it for everyone. Not a parent in sight. They then started taking other children's stuff like bikes and scooters and running off with them. A parent went up to one of the boys and immediately a woman went to say they are only just playing. So the idiot was there all along and thought her snowflakes were just 'playing'.

If one of your children took her child's bike I bet they would not think they were only playing.

Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 17:05

Wondering if there's also an urban rural divide.

We are urban, living in a large English city.

I'd have thought there would be more rules here.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 16:42

Piglet89 · 25/07/2024 13:34

@userloadsofnumbers my experience has been different - my friend with 5 kids just lets her kids scoot into coffee shops on scooters because it’s too much hassle to parent them to get them to stop this, as she’s her hands full. I think this is completely selfish and inconsiderate and would never, ever, allow my only to display such entitled behaviour.

That's a tough gig. Five kids.

I think I'd cut a bit of slack if my friend had five kids but it's not hard to tell them to get off their scooters before going on a cafe! Wild.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 16:08

Lemonade2011 · 25/07/2024 16:05

I couldn’t be around those people, it would irritate the hell out of me. There’s no way I could sit there with those ineffectual parents with their kids running riot and enjoy myself and even respect those parents as friends. I’d either have to say something or I’d get annoyed or both and probably fall out with them. Not sat there time and time again whilst their kids run riot and behave like spoilt brats (because that’s what they are) and say nothing. I wouldn’t want my kids seeing that behaviour and thinking that’s ok either.

Our kids know that behaviour isn't ok and they sometimes laugh at it in a gobsmacked kind of way when we get home. Can you believe so and so did such and such type of Situation rather than any mean gossiping or what have you.

I like these people (the ones we are still friends with). I just don't always like that the way they parent affects me and my family negatively at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 16:05

Iamthemoom · 25/07/2024 15:41

When DD was little we saw this a lot too and found lax parenting super frustrating but here we all are years later with teenagers. DD16 is polite, delightful, converses with adults confidently and is a pleasure to be around. She still hangs out with us, watches movies with us, tells us about her friends and her life and what's happening. Those other kids are always angry, grumpy and mean to their parents and can't seem to hold a conversation with other adults or even sit around the table for supper if they come here - they sulk and want to be on their phones or gaming. They're rude to their parents publicly and at home.
And the parents are so shocked DD isn't like their kids but it's not rocket science. Give a child boundaries and teach them to respect others and behave well and they will take those lessons into teenage hood and adulthood.

I thought about just this yesterday reading a string of posts on here from mums struggling with their teenagers being vile to them. You lay the groundwork with young children and reap the rewards later. Keep doing what you're doing and hopefully you'll have peaceful teen years!

Thanks and here's hoping.

OP posts:
Lemonade2011 · 25/07/2024 16:05

I couldn’t be around those people, it would irritate the hell out of me. There’s no way I could sit there with those ineffectual parents with their kids running riot and enjoy myself and even respect those parents as friends. I’d either have to say something or I’d get annoyed or both and probably fall out with them. Not sat there time and time again whilst their kids run riot and behave like spoilt brats (because that’s what they are) and say nothing. I wouldn’t want my kids seeing that behaviour and thinking that’s ok either.

Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 16:03

@Commonsense22 no this is the default setting for the various friends in question.

We all have moments of missing something or not being as present as we could. I'm certainly not always doing the right thing as a parent!

But the parents I am thinking of have these as default settings. As mentioned in the OP, some because they seem to have totally zoned out of all parenting, good and bad (we have let friendships with one parent fizzle out because of this) and some because their children can do no wrong in their eyes. With the latter it's active parenting and active choices to not say no and always be good cop/s.

OP posts:
Sanguinello · 25/07/2024 15:55

takealettermsjones · 25/07/2024 08:12

Also, are we too harsh with our own kids?

Should we let our children run wherever they want, let them go through friends' personal possessions, break friends' toys with intention, leave their own dinner and eat someone else's dinner in a restaurant uninvited because they decided when it arrived they wanted that more?

🙄 How disingenuous.

Stop hanging around with these parents/children.

Yes OP, good idea. Do that.

Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 15:49

@fitzwilliamdarcy thanks for the response. That sounds terrible! Why do parents allow that?

I think it would cause problems with this particular friend if I did that (again, because her child does no wrong) as much as I'd love to do it.

I do know the mother would hate to pay for two mains for her child so I'm instead going to tell say to the mother/my friend her child can have it and I'll order another.

It's the having to pay for all her child eats that will get her child sitting in her chair (for a short while at least) eating her own food rather than any extra assertiveness with the child.

Ultimately, the parent is the problem not the child so the child can do as she wishes/her parent allows but if they make it my problem by eating my dinner then I will be ordering another and the parent can pay.

Thanks everyone for advice and helping me think that through.

OP posts:
Commonsense22 · 25/07/2024 15:45

HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 08:17

We find these moments stressful too but otherwise really enjoy most of the time with the parents and our kids like the kids (where this isn't the case we have distanced ourselves by just not inviting round/making plans) so want to work out how best to manoeuvre this.

But it seems we are in the minority!

Show quote history

Are the people like that all the time or just occasionally? I know that sometimes when I have friends round or we arrive somewhere I'm exhausted and drop my guard. Before I know it the dog is greeting someone too enthusiastically and I'm staring blankly without registering it's my job to gain control of the situation. Or my child has reached for a fragile ornament and same, I'm in zombie mode.
Could that be the case?

Iamthemoom · 25/07/2024 15:41

When DD was little we saw this a lot too and found lax parenting super frustrating but here we all are years later with teenagers. DD16 is polite, delightful, converses with adults confidently and is a pleasure to be around. She still hangs out with us, watches movies with us, tells us about her friends and her life and what's happening. Those other kids are always angry, grumpy and mean to their parents and can't seem to hold a conversation with other adults or even sit around the table for supper if they come here - they sulk and want to be on their phones or gaming. They're rude to their parents publicly and at home.
And the parents are so shocked DD isn't like their kids but it's not rocket science. Give a child boundaries and teach them to respect others and behave well and they will take those lessons into teenage hood and adulthood.

I thought about just this yesterday reading a string of posts on here from mums struggling with their teenagers being vile to them. You lay the groundwork with young children and reap the rewards later. Keep doing what you're doing and hopefully you'll have peaceful teen years!

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/07/2024 15:16

Children (my own and other people's) find me terrifying so tend to behave well around me. So much so that some of my friends regularly threaten their kids that they'll tell PuppiesProzacProsecco if they don't behave. So maybe become more terrifying OP? An extreme resting bitch face is an excellent starting point.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 25/07/2024 15:12

HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 09:30

How do you tell a child not to eat your food and they have their own?

How do you reinforce that when you're told the child not to do that and they whine to their parents that they want to and their parent says ask X (me!) which leads the child to start grabbing food from my plate again?

These are questions I really need an answer to! How to reinforce my no when the parent is bulldozing over my no and my boundary after I've made myself clear?

Show quote history

I've seen this happen twice at two weddings.

On both occasions, after useless flapping from the parents ("stop that Thomas... that's not yours....", the person whose food was getting eaten raised the plate over their head and used a firm voice to tell them to stop, that it was rude to eat other people's food, and to go and sit down, now.

The effect was instantaneous - the kids' eyes widened at the sheer novelty of being spoken to in a firm voice, and they went and sat down. Parents in both situations absolutely hated it, of course, because the children were "upset" and "isolated" - but it worked.

In your position I'd just stop seeing these friends if their kids are present. It sounds tedious and utterly un-enjoyable.

LBFseBrom · 25/07/2024 14:26

fiskal · 25/07/2024 08:02

I have a huge amount of contact with primary school age children as I live on a housing estate with a big number and my DC have lots of play dates at my house with neighbouring kids and school friends. We also have a big circle of family and friends with young kids.

I've not experienced what you describe at all.

I think you probably need to find better friends who parent more functionally and give a swerve to the ones whose kids are a bit out of control.

I agree with that 100%. It is the parents' fault that their children are so badly behaved. Of course, children need to be taught boundaries, how to be considerate to others, it is not harsh to do that. Most parents manage to do that quite gently.

Give these people a miss from now on, there are plenty of others who think as you do.

Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 14:19

GraceUnderwire · 25/07/2024 14:11

@HappyWorkingMummy

I would have been more assertive. Or complained to the manager.
There is no way you couldn’t actually stop a small child from eating your food. That’s ridiculous. It’s not a vicious dog.

Well there are ways, but when taken off guard in the money I want to ensure that those ways allow our families to maintain friendships.

You do, however, have me laughing quite loudly with your suggestion to get the restaurant manager involved. Thanks for that I really needed the laugh today. Brilliant!

OP posts:
GraceUnderwire · 25/07/2024 14:11

@HappyWorkingMummy

I would have been more assertive. Or complained to the manager.
There is no way you couldn’t actually stop a small child from eating your food. That’s ridiculous. It’s not a vicious dog.

Original poster
HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 13:55

Marmaladelover · 25/07/2024 13:50

Surely with the taking food thing is that the child is ordered things that she would like to eat . If that happened to me I would be firmly saying to the parent to order the same for her child and not allow her to take yours . If she didn’t I would order it myself but tell her she was paying for it . I suspect that your children are behaved well because you know them well enough to choose things they will happily eat or choose themselves whereS the mother has zoned out so much they have no idea what child would eat and just ordered what they usually order.

She orders what the child asks for but when other peoples food and drinks arrive she consumes them if she likes the look of them better.

Yes I was thinkiing it's a good idea to say she can have mine if she prefers it but if I will order myself another now as I don't want to share my dinner. That will stop it happening as the mother won't want to pay for it. I reckon when the bill arrives and she has to pay for a second dinner for her child she will change her tune (the mother is also a food stealer although not quite as bad so this could be a solid approach to getting them to stop without having to say no again and again)

OP posts:
PippyLongTits · 25/07/2024 13:51

HappyWorkingMummy · 25/07/2024 13:18

I repeatedly said no. It made no difference to the child and the parent encouraged the child to come back and get more.

What would you have done to prevent this when no after no wasn't working?

I even added extra salt and pepper to my food when the child started as I know the parent wouldn't like the child having extra salt and said it's got lots of salt on but the parent interjected to het some of my food which had less salt and pepper on!

Nothing was getting through to the parent.

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That is awful if the parent was joining in! In this situation I think you have to be quite confrontational. "What are you doing? I've said no. I'm not joking. I don't find it funny. I've been very clear that I don't like it and I've explained why not. Your child has been scrabbling around on the dirty floor and I don't want her filthy fingers, or yours, in my food. If there is anything left over when I've finished, I will offer it to my own children first and if they don't want it, then she may have it, but I'm not finished, I'm still eating, and you are both being very rude considering I've said repeatedly that I'm not happy with her taking food from my plate. If she is hungry you need to get her an extra bowl of chips or some bread and butter or something. Here is the menu."

Marmaladelover · 25/07/2024 13:50

Surely with the taking food thing is that the child is ordered things that she would like to eat . If that happened to me I would be firmly saying to the parent to order the same for her child and not allow her to take yours . If she didn’t I would order it myself but tell her she was paying for it . I suspect that your children are behaved well because you know them well enough to choose things they will happily eat or choose themselves whereS the mother has zoned out so much they have no idea what child would eat and just ordered what they usually order.