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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you have confident children - how did you do it?

131 replies

Tiredsendcoffee · 24/07/2024 23:54

I feel we are in information overload and find myself constantly second guessing everything. My understanding regarding resilience in children is that there are two schools of thought, one is you nurture them and then they feel secure and confident (but on the other hand you might not be pushing them enough). The other is to push them out of their comfort zone so they gain confidence (but that then may leave them feeling anxious and insecure if they are not ready).

My DS has just turned 3 and is becoming more shy and clingy which is starting to concern me. I've tried to introduce changes at a slow pace but wonder if I've been doing the wrong thing.

My AIBU is that there is too much information and it is so confusing, but mostly I'm here for some help with those that have experience. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredsendcoffee · 25/07/2024 00:17

@shapesandnoise I used to be super confident, lots of friends, friendly to everyone. Now I am an anxious mess after having him, always worried I'm doing something wrong, constantly have 10 things on my mind. Tbh I don't recognise myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredsendcoffee · 25/07/2024 00:14

Thanks for replying! :) That is honestly what I am worried about, I hate seeing him upset and that I am somehow going to screw him up. Today his best friend wasn't at nursery so he started crying and didn't want me to leave so then I think why does he not feel secure enough for me to go. He's been at the same nursery for a year now and knows the teachers and other children so should feel comfortable.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 25/07/2024 00:14

I'm of the create a secure base school of thought. I think individuals have personalities and some children may be more cautious and more shy. It can take some people longer to open up or make friends.

shapesandnoise · 25/07/2024 00:13

I have two confident teens. When they were growing up I think the main advice I can give is to model confident behaviour. How is your own confidence OP? We would encourage the kids from a young age to order from the menu, to ask where the toilets were in a museum, to ring the doctors (with support) to speak with the receptionist. We haven’t been afraid to be guided by what they were comfortable with eg. my daughter has travelled on trains independently since the age of 13 across the UK, with changes, to meet family. We have also always had students from other countries to stay with us from when they were 3 and 5. They have grown up conversing with people over dinner that they have just met. We have encouraged both children to earn (a very small) wage asap, my daughter has worked from 13 to her current age 15 nearly 16. Camping has also helped their confidence, cooking round the camp fire, sending a group of kids off to wash up, meeting other families. Hope this gives you some ideas.

TheCluelessMum · 25/07/2024 00:11

Does it matter now though? As long as they are happy, safe and healthy that’s all that matters.

you never meet an adult who you think “wow they were shy/confident at 3/4/5 years old”

you clearly are a fab mum to be worrying about this, but don’t. Every child is different!

Original poster
Tiredsendcoffee · 25/07/2024 00:10

I should also add, I don't think children are particularly resilient and they do seem to get rattled with changes from my observations now having one myself. But is that normal or a new thing?

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