If you have confident children - how did you do it?

Mine are confident though 1 is and always will be naturally shy.
Though shy she is absolutely determined in her own mind and not a pushover.
I have always been loving but slightly neglectful. By which I mean I leave it up to them to pack their bags (from aged about 5), let them make decisions about something's but equally sometimes they just had to do what was happening if they wanted to or not.
From a young age I encouraged them to do small things like pay at the shop or go and ask for ketchup at a restaurant. I let them make mistakes and though this has resulted in some issues they have learnt so much. They walked to school on their own from year 3, they went to park and shops at aged 9, to the city centre by 11. They travel all over town. I have encouraged sports as even though they aren't amazing at then they learn how to lose and get back up again They have responsibilities in the house so have been cooking a family meal from aged 10 every week.
I don't over engage with school stuff or friend ship stuff and when things fuck up I try and get them to work out why.
I do think that some kids are really over parented and they never are left alone to mess up.
At 3 though they need to be loved as well as put in lots of different situations and experiences.

My adult daughter and teenage son are confident. Both have had stages of being incredibly shy and and my dd had severe anxiety in her teens.

My thoughts have been giving them a secure home life that’s consistent. It hasn’t been easy. Their Dad had a massive mental health break, became abusive and we had to leave. He refused help and now lives off grid and rarely sees them.

When he was seeing them there was very little stability. A parade of girlfriends, who usually had kids each tried to convince them, they should accept as siblings, constantly living house etc.

I have had one dp, who doesn’t live with us. But lives down the road and does support them and me when we need it. He will be there when ds gets home if I can’t. He is an extra person for them to go to. He doesn’t act like their Dad, but makes sure they know he is there if they need him. Dd and her friends getting harassed by a man in Leeds a few weeks ago and as soon as dd called me he was in the car on his way for them. He asked where they were, said to stay in a public place and he would call her when he was nearby.

Since he stepped back and they have consistency at home with me (it’s been about 5 years) they have really come out of their shell. Ds took my mums death really badly and we had a few steps back there. It shook his world. He is autistic and he didn’t realise people could die without being ill. Everyone he knew who had died was ill and we had warning. They could be here one morning and gone that night. It made him very afraid that his grandad would die in the same way, or I would, or his sister would. But we made sure he had an outlet for those feelings and could express them. We talked him through mums death certificate and explained it all to him. Allowed him to ask questions. Allowed him to be sad when he missed her. Helped him through some panic attacks. I was honest about my feelings. That I felt I was panicking and could breathe when I thought about not seeing her again.

I tried to recognise what each child needed and help them in a way that works for them. But as they have got older I take the road of supporting them to deal with situations themselves. I will get involved if they need me to. Give advice if they need me to. But ultimately support their decisions. Luckily neither have made a decision I really disagree with or are dangerous.

That said, I think there’s luck involved. The nearest school to us has been incredible with Ds and he has really grown in confidence since moving there from primary. They are very supportive of his autism and that’s really helped. It was lucky that was the school he got. Dd has had the same core group of friends since she was 4. One even went to the same Uni and they flat share. That’s luck.

I have been able to grow my career in the last few years so I can afford to pay for additional things for them. Dd recently was able to borrow my employers accommodation in London to attend events with prospective future employers. That’s been a lot of luck. Her Uni has been incredible for her and she has had opportunities that have been incredible. She has also chased down many opportunities herself.

and of course their Dad could have carried on causing chaos in their lives.

Plenty has been down to luck. Even my choice of how to deal with an individual situation. I think as parents we can only do what we think is the best thing at the time. How it works out is anyone’s guess.

Confidence comes in different forms. My young adult children are confident in their abilities (one creative, one stem leaning). They’re not loud and would be considered reserved. As young children they were very much the hide behind mum kind of children and I did use to worry a bit about that. Just make sure he feels safe and secure and confidence will build naturally. A lot of outwardly confident people are actually an insecure mess and cover it with bravado. A lot of reserved people are actually quietly confident.

I have never forced my children to do things before they are ready such as sleep overnight at the grandparents etc. Consequently neither of them have been ones to cry or worry about starting school or doing something new as they are very securely attached. Saying that though my ds is a shy personality, as I was, so I find gentle encouragement to step outside his comfort zone works really well to increase his confidence but also acceptance and embracing his personality type. He will always be gentle and quiet but there are positives to this as he is incredibly empathetic, kind and a great listener.

Somewhere between 20 and 60% of personality is inherited. Anxious parents often have anxious kids because it's inheritable, runs all through my family right along with being neurodiverse.

Your DS is very young right now so just be led by him. As he gets older encourage him to try new things, if they're really important ie reading/swimming then keep encouraging and keep going with it even if he's not keen as they are important skills and he might enjoy them more once he's mastered them. You can though try some different approaches (for example going swimming with you rather than having lessons for a bit or taking turns to read pages of a book rather than him reading it all). For anything else let him try it out for a few weeks and then decide if it's something he wants to do or not.

Small steps of independence as he gets older and older - getting dressed by himself, tidying his room, making him own breakfast, making his packed lunch, getting himself to school. Don't over stress it though, I was a very shy, anxious molly coddled child who went off to uni just fine and have travelled the world alone and worked in all sorts of jobs. He will be who he will be and there is only so much you can do to influence it. Support and encourage him through everything, remind him of his successes, and he'll get there.

I think a large part of it is personality but if I would recommend one thing, it is lots of free, unstructured play. Take him to playgrounds and other spaces, support him when he needs it but sit back the rest of the time and let him get on with it.

My eldest is the same age as yours, but I've taught teens for many years.

For me, no1 is listen to your kids and value their opinion/judgement (in things that are appropriate for them to have judgement on.) Give them a chance to speak.

It's really clear in secondary school when we meet kids who aren't listened to at home. Their opinions are never sought. They're always asking "is this right?" and afraid to put pen to paper. It's illuminating when you meet the parents and see how they interact.

Even at 3yo, you can ask your child to explain their opinions. For example my dd is a fussy eater. But we encourage her to justify her preferences "I don't like it because it's too crumbly feeling" etc and it all helps her feel confident in her opinions. I listen to her suggestions but I still get the final say. So you can start young in that kind of way.

DD was the clingiest baby/ young toddler ever. The original Velcro baby, coslept, contact napped, always wanting to be on me at any point. I just went with it really, let her cling as much as she needed. I chose childcare around the type of child she was - so childminder, really small setting, very similar to me in lots of ways - DD settled with her really easily.

By the time it came to start school nursery at only just 3, she was straight in without a backwards glance - she’s now about to turn 4 and we’ve never really had a wobble there. She’s very confident socially, will chat to other children and adults happily. Takes on new situations quite willingly, and physically is incredibly confident, resilient and determined - she never bloody gives up once she’s set her mind she’s going to be able to climb/ ride/ get over etc something.

I don’t think we’ve particularly pushed her to do any of these things - maybe swimming which she went through a phase of absolutely hating and getting upset but we did keep at that because for me it’s a real essential. She now loves it, and is able to jump in/ manage a very short distance without any flotation aids.

I think a huge part is just her personality. I would like to think that the very secure attachment we’ve built from day 1 has helped, but ultimately I think it’s just who she is. Also, she’s not even quite 4 yet so I’m aware there’s plenty that could change.

We do keep her fairly busy and she does a lot, has experienced lots of groups, classes, different environments etc. But again, mostly because she seems to enjoy that - if she was a different kind of child maybe we’d do less.

I do try to notice and encourage her strengths/ specific behaviours rather than just blanket ‘oh you’re so clever’ or ‘oh you’re so good at that’. So I’ll say ‘wow you kept going with that even when it was tricky’ or ‘I noticed you felt a bit nervous before we did that, but you still did it - that’s amazing, how did it make you feel?’

Ah I relate! I got like that after having one of mine. I think the fact you’re making this thread shows that you’re aware and these feelings won’t last forever, so I wouldn’t worry from the ‘modelling behaviour’ aspect. Fake it til you make it!

I found the book The Danish Way of Parenting super helpful. The kids need an ‘internal locus of control’ - basically testing and trusting their own limits rather than a parent helicoptering and going ‘careful!!’. Same in social situations, let them go up to other kids and make friends etc.

You keep saying you are worried you will screw up your child. I'm of the thought that we all screw our children up one way or another, nobody is perfect and we just learn to live with it. There's a very small book called How to Traumatize Your Children: 7 Proven Methods to Help You Screw Up Your Kids Deliberately and with Skill. You might find it gives you some perspective on the different types of parenting styles.

A generally do the second option possibly more with my oldest who is a very confident child. My younger child is shy and hesitant about trying new things though. I don't think we've done anything majorly different.

I was uber shy as a child.
As an adult, I went on to do teaching and public speaking, and can happily stand up and talk in front of a room full of hundreds of people.

I was certainly not mollycoddled (1970s childhood, so pretty strict!), so it's probably a mix of having a secure family background and being pushed out of my comfort zone. Supportive teachers help too.
But the reality is that folk have to work this stuff out for themselves - to an extent, confidence is an act you learn to put on, even when you're not feeling it.

Kids gain more confidence when they can do more stuff on their own

Yes.

They don't gain confidence or resilience from having someone always be there to do it for them. They just learn that they can't trust their own judgement or that they are someone who can't do stuff. They have to be allowed to do and fail but also that it's OK to fail and try again later. They see that you trust them and that's where resilience comes from.

Don’t rush to fix things.
Be curious when they seem fearful rather than dismissing (oh don’t worry etc)
Let them take small actions by themselves and small risks
model confidence

anxious parents raise anxious kids.

The best parenting advice I ever had was unsolicited and from a complete stranger; an older woman with whom i'd struck up a conversation in a cafe. My daughter was a few months old and I'd commented on how I could already see she had a completely different temperament/character to my eldest. Not in a critical way just in an, "I'm amazed it's so obvious," way.

She said, "Parent the child you have. Not the one you wanted or the one you think you should have. Not the one in the books but the one right in front of you."

Someone had said similar to her and she said it had really helped.

The meaning being that theories/schools of thought are great but they are just that - theories. Your child isn't interested in theories. Some children are naturally more confident, outgoing and some children are naturally more reflective and like to sit back to get the measure of a situation before getting involved. Just like adults...

Resilience comes from having confidence in their abilities, confidence that you will he there for them, making mistakes and learning from those etc.

I did similar to a pp - from a young age they were encouraged to ask for the children's menu or where the toilets were. They received support and encouragement. I didn't jump in to solve all their problems for them but gave them strategies for dealing with it themselves. Let them know it's OK to make mistakes and don't be embarrassed by them if they are not doing something in the way you think they should. Don't compare to other children.

When I could tell they needed more from me, I gave it.

I let them see that they could do things by themselves but they knew I was always their safety net.

They had a safe space to voice their thoughts and feelings. And I was one of those 'only on MN' parents who didn't shout. They were told off if they were naughty but it was respectful. I didn't mock or shame them. I listened to them. They felt they had some control. Not that they were in control ever but that they always mattered.

They're now 26 and 18. Both are confident but it took time through repeated experiences of 'mattering'.

Your son is 3. He's very, very little. There will he sometimes when he feels confident and others when the world and the people in it are huge and scary. Watch for what he is telling you about how he feels in a specific situation and respond to that..

Music! Learning an instrument helps with discipline, relaxation, teamwork. Gives them a way to meet people. My DC have had amazing experiences which have developed confidence and resilience. Nurturing and encouraging them out of comfort zone.
And we pray for them every day.
If not music, something else which can be a lifelong passion at whatever level eg hill walking, swimming. They don't have to be the best at something but something they love is a great gift.

I have a pretty confident 19 year old. I totally agree that personality plays a large part here. But, then for me, a secure base is so important and within that loving, safe environment to let them fail and be OK. Let them do challenging stuff, acknowledge in the moment that they are feeling scared, worried, angry, etc... and that's OK.

I think there are opportunities every day for this, from trying a new food to jumping in at the swimming pool, always having new experiences. But also to bigger things like disappointments (friend not at nursery) and sadness. They can't be always be happy, and every time they are not happy it's the perfect time to discuss what they are going through so they can understand and manage their feelings. I think that's the key to confidence and contentment.

Both of my DS ( age 23 and 21) are very confident but if I recall correctly, desperately clingy as toddlers.

I immersed them in activities, ds1 was/is naturally very sporty and ds2 more into performing arts. I think it's more of the opportunity/ activity that they became involved in that helped with confidence. Both dp and me are very confident people but we both had very difficult childhoods and came out of it in a bit of "fight" mode ( not aggressive but not up for shit off anyone)

Lots of nurturing and love, and sport when they’re old enough. Turned my shy 5 year old into a quietly self confident teenager who can hold his own in any situation.

My dd 6 is confident, to an extreme. Sometimes needs reminding to rein it in a little. She chats to any stranger, first on a dance floor, first to want to perform something, and goes into a new holiday club (doesn't know anyone) with zero worry.

I have always encouraged her to speak for herself, have belief in herself, told her she's wonderful etc... but I think it's just her personality more than anything.

I think personality plays a large part. One of mine is confident. The other two have had to be built up but the confident one started off that way. They all feel like they have a voice though.

I would say that listening to what they say, anything they tell you -try not to dismiss it even if other things are going on at the time. Everyone likes to be heard. But you don’t have to fuss or pander in response.

90% genes 10% gaslighting.

If they get clingy going to something new I'm very much a "nothing to worry about, you'll be fine, I'll be back later byeeeee" type of parent.

I think that means that they gradually build up the understanding that these new daunting experiences are fine. The more they show themselves they can cope with them the less worried they get.

But mostly genes

I have 3 children. 1 x extroverted and confident. 1 x shy worrier 1 x so horizontally laid back, I have no idea

They are all very close in age and I parented them as a group.

I think they are intrinsically who they are. I've always just tried not too think too much about it but just try to enjoy them and delight in their company (harder now they are teenagers)

I think personality, school, parenting style (i.e allowing them to make their own mistakes/trusting their judgement) all play a part, but I saw a TikTok recently referencing a study that found the most self confident, resilient kids generally were ones who worked from a young teen on, and I can see from my own how that has shaped them. Because let's face it, when you have a job as a 14/15yo, you're going to deal with some shit. Learning how to navigate that is a great lesson in finding your worth, and how you can relate to everyone from peers, teachers, bosses and other members in the community you wouldn't normally interact with.