If you have confident children - how did you do it?

I often find with my children I'm projecting. I know I'm thirsty when I keep shoving drinks in their faces, for example. Could this be YOUR anxiety you are experiencing but feeling it as a problem for him? I'm not being critical of you, more saying that's a natural thing to happen. But you could disentangle your adult feelings of anxiety from his 3 year old reactions. He might cry when his friend isn't there. Big emotions, right?! It's probably the equivalent of being dumped or having a holiday cancelled to a 50 year old. A day of his life is worth about 3 years of mine in terms of the experience it compares with.
But that doesn't mean he is not resilient. Just comfort him and let him be him. The only thing that seems key for humans is having their emotions validated.

I co slept as long as they wanted to, let them come and sleep with me when want to, I validate their feelings and as much as I hate the label, I practiced attachment parenting with them. They knew I was always here so they have the confidence now to be themselves.

Everyone told me I'd have clingy children who wouldn't leave my side but I have the opposite

I disagree with this. I find my 5, 3 and 1 year old very resilient. We've moved from Africa to the UK, back to Africa. We've moved house 4 times in the past 2 years for my husband's job. We've moved closer to family and away from family. We've lived a one bedroom apartment (so all in the same room and in a 4 bedroom house with more space.
I've never seen any problem or behavioural issues in my children with chenges.

People often ask me if the children felt our transatlantic move and I always say 'they're in the same family, same parents, same love, why would the environment disrupt them'. I was scared for the move because everyone tells you they'll act out or become clingy but I've honestly not seen any any difference.

I am one of 5 siblings and we're all confident. If you ask my mom she'll say it's because she was always there. We were allowed to play and explore, but when never had to look back and find out mother gone.
I think my own confidence might also play a role in my kids'? I'm assuming if an anxious mom raises kids they're going to be more anxious?

Coming back to my mom's point I recently listened to a podcast from Erica Comisar -- GOLD!
She spoke about the anxiety crisis in young children and how it's skyrocketed.
She highlights the stages of childhood development and how we are really supposed to be with our primary attachment figure in early childhood. And how the mental health crisis is spiralling out of control because kids are placed in nursery where they have to compete for attention and are overwhelmed.
I have to say, from my own experience in school (the children around me, we could sort of know whose mom's where SAHM) and in my pediatric occupational therapy practice , I can normally tell you which kids where in nursery from a very young age. Anyway I think as a society were doing our kids a disservice. They're not supposed to be in a nursery at 6 or 8 months. Daycares were started to keep factory workers kids safe, not be used en masse.
Cue the, my kid was in nursery from 8 weeks and is super confident
Please do yourself a favour and listen to Erica comisar

@YouJustDoYou how wonderful! That is a really inspiring story of you overcoming a crap childhood to really deliver for your kids, thank you.

For DD the key was the allow her to be , while encouraging her to try stuff (it probably helped that I rarely misjudged and she actually hated something) while allowing her control in saying no or not again. 99% of the time she had fun and it all was ok so she started trusting herself and me more. As she grew we also had talks about missing out because she won't put herself forward and it finally started to sink in.

There's still plenty of overthinking going on , but it's over small stuff .

3 kids, all shy to start out with.

I had zero confidence for all my childhood, because my dad would tell me everything that was wrong with me, for hours, what a horrible human I was etc. I had no emotional anchor, felt no love, felt zero security for several decades. The kids I knew at school that were confident were loved and had a secure, stable home, both single parents or otherwise. They were simply loved. I swore I would do that for my own children, so I've tried to make sure, growing up, that they are told every day how loved they are, how much we love the people that they are etc, and that they will always have a stable, secure, loving and happy home with us, no matter what. But that I will never force them to do anything they don't want to do, but I do expect them to at least TRY something new (which is how I got them into Scouts).

They were all shy for their toddlerhood into the older years, but I got them to join a few clubs outside of school and encouraged them, stayed with them when needed but also left them on their own with the clubs/friends to encourage them to be independent. Scouts worked wonders for their confidence, and was the best investment I could've ever given them.

Praise effort, not results

Growth mindset eg "you can't do this yet", not "it's too difficult"

Failure is part of life. And it's ok to make mistakes, feel sad, feel lonely etc at times. IMHO, we do our children a disservice by trying to ensure they're constantly happy

Your little boy sounds very normal. All 3 of my children have at times wanted/needed to be very close to me. This has manifested in behaviour as your describe in your son, wanting to come into our bed and just needing to be close. Although I'm not a massive expert, my approach has always been that I give them what they need. Obviously I couldn't not go to work if there was a sad nursery drop off, but if they want to cuddle in my bed they can, if they want me to come to a group with them I will. I think children build real.resiliance and confidence when their primary carers and home.setting are safe places where their needs (not necessarily wants!) are met. So I'm.quite firm about giving them.new things or treat snacks, but never withdraw myself from them if they need a cuddle etc. I wouldn't be comfortable just chucking them into loads of difficult situations to toughen them up. The normal rhythms of life have provided plenty of opportunities in the form of play groups nursery, school, classes etc.
As they have grown older, I can see that they all have very different personalities, but I'm confident that they will all be able to set out into the world with confidence and knowing that we are always there for them in the background. Some are.more outwardly 'confident' but they all have a strong sense of self.
Your son sounds very developmentally normal and as he struggles with different settings and separations, just make sure that there is lots of love and affection and be responsive and supportive with things he finds difficult. He'll do it all in his own time and in a more healthy way when he knows you are always his safe and loving person. Good luck.

Not just the confident ones- I get this from a kid who's too scared to go to a supermarket! Takes all my strength not to retort with that.

Dh and I are both confident and outgoing, so we kind of thought the kids would be. We gave them opportunities etc. Modelled how to be confident. Gage strategies.
Dc1 is awaiting an autism dx, he's apparently on a list, but he ticks a number of boxes. Mainly social anxiety. If he could hide in the background and only every have to speak to 3or 4 people, he would.
Ds2 was shy and clingy as a kid, became confident and has now been hit by a double whammy of high school and the kids on our street being twats. Social confidence is at an all time low there.
I feel I've done all I can do and they're going to have to help themselves a bit now.

I would also say it’s a personality trait. I’ve parented all of mine the same and they are all very different.

DC1 was a very shy nervous child by nature, and although he’s still the same to an extent he’s also very popular, kind and easy to get along with. Shy isn’t necessarily a bad thing!

That is true. I’m incredibly resilient, even as a child, but not confident.

Perfectly normal behaviour for a three year old. I have a very confident 16 year old. I have led by example and encouraged him to try new things. He has been brought up with consistency and routine which I think is important for all aspects of raising a child.

Oh and just to say. Be prepared as having confident teens has a flip side: they talk back, they know it all, they give you life lessons and you are always embarrassing and a nutcracker to them 🤣🤣 sometimes I tell them my lofe would be easier if they had gone to convent school 😝😝😝

It a about trial and error and give and take. I did both school of thoughts you mentioned and made many mistakes but my husband and I have consistantly told them

• i can give you a fish and you eat one day or i can teach you how to fish and you eat everyday - they hate my fish story but i tell them it is a true one and I swear by it 🤣
• you learn from your mistakes
• whenever you te ready we are 100% behind you
• i have learned so much from them so we have always told them that we genuinely love the way they think
• they have won many negociations again we genuinely had to relant because they made their point wnd it made sense
• we have consistantly been cross at the same things: me manners and my husband honours and taking pride in your job whatever that can be
• i have also age appeopriately push them in the deep end: staying with grandparents abroad (they bilingual ans bi-cultural) alone from a young age; going hiking in the alps with dad for a week since they were 9 and 10; doing horse riding residential camps; flying alone; taking trains with changes alone - this year.
• from the age of 9 i have never packed for them: it started with us making a list together and then they packed to then doing it all. It meant we ve had a few holidays when I needed to buy socks or pants as werent packed but thats part of learning.

and also many mistakes along the way and apologising; and many arguments when they would have preferred for me to do it for them.

Resilience and confidence are two different things. I have confident girls but they are not particularly resilient.

@Tiredsendcoffee I think it's really common to become more anxious post children. Evolution means we've got inbuilt instincts to keep our kids safe, but in our modern world it's really hard to interpret that. I don't think we really talk about that aspect much, motherhood basically makes you a bag of nerves!

On the subject of resilience, I've been listening to "Do hard things" and it's really interesting - your local library might do free books/audio books https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0063098628. It's partly about reframing problems as challenges that can be overcome rather than threats, aimed more at adults but might be interesting.

The situation you describe at nursery is a totally normal thing for a 3yo but it sounds like you are attaching way too much emotion to it. 3yos are pretty self centred. Your ds likes to play with his friend at nursery, he arrived and something was different so he didn't like it, you've then gone into overdrive about him not feeling secure enough to be left. Really, he just met an example of the world not going his way and he needs you to teach him how to move on. So, a breezy "Don't worry I'm sure x will be back tomorrow, how about we check out this digger" then cheerily wave goodbye will show him that it's all ok. Hang around anxiously hugging him and he will think he needs to be more upset. It's the same when kids fall over, they look at you and if you smile and say 'whoopsie daisy' then assuming they aren't actually hurt they get up and run off to play, if you rush over shouting 'oh my god, are you ok baby' they ball their eyes out. Obviously, if really hurt then you roll out the cuddles and the love etc.

You say that you have become very anxious, in my opinion the best thing you can do to help raise confident children is work on that. At this age they just need you to be sure of yourself and frankly as long as you are providing for their needs, being loving and not hurting them then there is no right or wrong way to do it and you won't screw him up.

Boundaries. Children (including teens) bloody love boundaries. They need to understand that as part of a functioning family there are rules of behaviour they need to adhere to, set those rules out and model the behaviour.

Home is a safe and secure place from which to venture into the world, come back to and venture out into again. The world isn't a scary place but, again, there are rules and behaviours to adhere to. Especially at school where you mustn't be an uppity shit to your teachers.

Read to and share books with your children and that will give them a solace they can always tap into.

Don't catastrophise things. Nothing in life is really that big a deal.

Aw he is 3, they are full of contradictions at this age! I've got a 4 year old and she can be the same - shy with people she knows well, and randomly really comfortable with some strangers. I think the advice early on was the best - work in your own confidence so you model what you want them to be, and then just love them and hug them no matter what confusing behaviour they're doing that day. Another thing I'll add is that I was surprised at how shy many children are at that age. I had the impression that many 3 or 4 year olds are confident chatting to other people they don't know so well, but most of the ones I know well (DC, her friends, nephews and nieces) really weren't. I think it's just that the confident ones are more obvious and you don't notice the shy one clinging to their parent's legs.

On this point, it’s not about failing to comfort your child. It’s about showing them not to be afraid of their negative emotions. So eg if they are sad about something you obviously give them a cuddle bit instead of saying ‘no no it’s not sad really everythjg’s fabulous ‘ and denying their sad, you can say ‘yes it’s sad isn’t it’ and let them experience those feelings, and then if it’s appropriate give them
somerhing else to think about. Letting them feel what they feel, without wallowing in it or running away, is importantly. It doesn’t mean you getting all
enotional too, and overwhelmed with their feelings, but allowing them to feel what they’re feeling without being scared of it. In the nursery situation you describe you could agree that it’s a shame friend isn’t there. Give him a minute to be sad, then find something else at nursery he likes, remind him of that, tell him how much you love him and how you can’t wait to see him later and leave with a cuddle and a smile

My mother was always forcing us to do things, and clearly longed for cheerful, competent, outgoing children, but as her main message to us was ‘the worst thing that can ever happen to you is to stand out in a crowd’, it’s not surprising she produced anxious, shy children.

This poster has hit on something really important. A lot of us are subconsciously trying to fit in and not rock the boat: in work, in our marriages and social lives.

Up to a point this is rational behaviour but I think it’s really important to model a bit of fearlessness to children and a bit of a sense of not giving too much of a shit. A sense that it’s good to try things and it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t work.

Particularly girls. Girls will spend so much of their lives having their confidence subtly chipped away at by men and boys and patriarchy in general. They need as much self confidence as they can muster.

I got very mixed messages from my own mother: she talked the feminist talk but was a career SAHM and a naturally timid person who deferred to my dad on most things. Presumably because of her own upbringing. To her credit though she never instilled in me any of the historical girl mum crap about “not drawing attention to yourself”, or “it’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice”. At least she did what she was capable of to push my confidence.

I think both are true and it’s situational and how you apply them. It’s also about modelling this yourself. For example my daughter age 2 is generally quite confident and outgoing. She’s very scared of getting splashed in the swimming pool. I don’t like getting my face or hair wet. I suspect she’s learnt this from me. At the park I notice other parents often interfering in their child’s play, helping them climbing, telling them to be careful etc which I try not to do, I encourage her to do herself