If you have confident children - how did you do it?

At 3, it's definitely creating a safe base stage. I'd let my dc run around, walk across logs and climb up trees and climbing frames. Just some physical and appropriate achievements.

I'd also give them some chores like laying the table and helping to tidy up.
Chores are linked with self esteem and gives a really good attitude of mucking in and getting things done. Increase the chores as they get older and it will serve them well as adults.

Don't let them give up easily. If you know your dc enjoys an activity once they're there or you can see the benefits of it, keep them at it even if they moan about it.
You'll know if they actually don't enjoy it so of course, no point in forcing it.

Helping them with school work helps confidence at school. I did a fair bit of extra work with my dc. Not tiger mother level but enough so they knew what was going on in school and were working a bit ahead.
It also gives a desire to do well.

Get them to order their own food and drink when out or to ask where something is.
Have lots of conversations with them and discuss topics with them so they have an opportunity to share their opinions.

Don't "rescue" them if they can do something themselves. Encourage them to keep trying.

Take them out to museums and places where they can learn about the world. Read interesting books and watch documentaries.

Be their constant. If they 'need' -be there. Creat a sanctury at home. Absolutely no reprimanding. You creat certain routines / times which flow along . You creat a safe / interesting space to live. Be a great example/ role model. .Teach Fun things/ have fun adventure...Do all this and they will grow big and go out into the world, be captains of industry.

Not just around the house. Children don't thrive unless they're being given freedom which involves a certain amount of controlled risk.

So get them climbing (in controlled conditions, such as walls, low/ high ropes trails), throw them in the water (with you in it to watch them), let them cross a road by themselves, make them speak to the librarian or shopkeeper, send them to the shop when slightly older, let them explore a nearby town with friends in their teens. Don't speak for them. As soon as they can talk, have them speak to others.

Play games and let them fail and succeed based on merit. My 8-year-old was ecstatic the day she beat me at chess for the first time, having failed 100x before. Genuinely beat me; I didn't let them win. Play sports and let them experience incremental success. They will start on the bottom rung and get better. Let them do chores and experience the consequences. Even some video games help.

Every confident person knows their strengths and their weaknesses. The more children know about their own, the more confident they will become.

I teach university students and the numbers who have no self confidence is unreal. I think mostly it comes from parenting. Kids aren’t allowed to do anything on their own any more and to fail at anything. They need to be set tasks (age appropriate) and be allowed to take risks and learn to assess risk for themselves. As others have suggested, getting them to speak up for themselves is a brilliant start. Make them responsible for a couple of things around the house and praise their effort not achievement

I agree with PPs that the child has its own personality and that’s a big part of it. But 3 is an age of rapid development and change, and they can develop sudden characteristics that they grow out of in a few months, then something else comes along. I wouldn’t worry too much about a 3yo becoming clingy, unless it persists for a long time, is very disruptive or was caused by some very upsetting event.

I honestly think it comes down to the child's individual personality. I have a 6yo and a 3yo and they both seem confident, the 6yo especially. She has never had any problems going up to people if she wants to ask a question and she never seems to doubt her ability to do something. Sometimes I wish she was a bit more cautious but I'm sure that confidence will work well for her when she's older if she can keep hold of it. My 3yo is a little more unsure but if he's shown how to do something, he becomes more confident and he definitely follows his older sister's example. There must be something in creating a secure environment for confident children but I do think some kids are just more confident by nature.

My mum constantly told us that we were wonderful, clever, beautiful, likeable and bound to succeed. She also told us when we fucked up but it was made clear that that was something we'd done, not something we were. And we were always told that none of it mattered if we weren't also kind.

That never leaves you. I've heard parents justify being negative to their kids because 'it's a hard world out there and they need to know that'. That's bollocks,. because no one reaches 18 and goes, "Oh, wait. It's a hard world out here, but I knew that already and now I feel very confident." No - that feeling of not being good enough - that your parents inculcated - stays with you your whole life.

It's true though, that if you're brought up as we were, you do discover that the world isn't as keen on you as your mum was, and you have to prove yourself.
But deep down, whatever happens, you never lose the confidence that comes from being told that you're wonderful and that that doesn't matter unless you're also kind.

And this is how I tried to bring up my kids too.

It's possible that some will read this and think, "How fucking arrogant." I don't think it is. In fact, I may not be as clever or as beautiful or as likeable as my mum told me I was. But I am confident, and that's how I got to be this way.

I think you need to focus less on the external theories and generalisations and concentrate on learning your unique child. Learn to read them, communicate as much as you can with them, understand their signals and be flexible, adapting your approach as you go. You will come to differentiate between a slight nervousness about a new thing that's in their interests, and with encouragement can be tackled, and a genuine fear and lack of readiness that means something needs to be postponed or shelved altogether.

I agree with other posts that nurturing at home etc is key but I also think that modelling confidence yourself helps and also not helicoptering when out. Let them get on with it. A confident 'off you go then' and a confident smile works wonders. Both mine are very confident at 6yrs and 9yr.
But they sometimes had their shy moments over the years. Sometimes my youngest was shy to dance get involved at parties but I didn't make a fuss and didn't make her join in and she just sat with me a few minutes till she felt confident enough to join in.

Sounds like your anxiety is making your son feel anxious too. I think you need to find some tools to help yourself first. Encourage him to do things for himself e.g. get dressed, set table, pour milk, butter toast, tie shoe laces, help you with little tasks around the house. It's the little things that add up and make a difference. Take him out to shops and let him.see you chat to people. Oh, and let him go as far as he is comfortable at the playground and encourage him to go further plus engage with other kids there. I always said to my kids if they thought they could climb a tree to go for it!

I have 3 kids, 2 girls 14 & 8, and a son 12.

My boy thinks life is fun with friends and wherever he goes he creates a group.of friends. School, football, holidays.

My 2 girls are the co plate opposite, my eldest has a group of 5 friends and that is it. Doesn't need anymore!
My youngest is a real struggle, which started around 3, but during covid. I'm not an anxious person, I'm like my son, bit I think in the girls cases, it's just their nature!

My dd has grown in confidence since she has left school - she was terrified of getting into trouble, found the punishments humiliating and embarrassing got them for silly things like the very odd forgotten homework (3 homeworks in 7 years but everyone was blown out of proportion) didn't help her remember her homework and it didn't make her more resilient, it crushed her and as a rule follower by nature it filled her with anxiety.
But work supported her, celebrated her achievements, helped and supported her work through the things she struggled with - she didn't get punished if she forgot something - her anxiety diminished and her confidence grew, she's like a different person.

I had a very confident DS when he was young who is now a shy teenager and a very shy DD as a toddler who is now a confident 15yr old . They have been nutured and pushed out of their comfort zones at some points. They will grow into their own personality what ever you do

Confidence and shyness both cover a huge range of situations. I have 5 adult dc's who are totally different and were shy or confident under different circumstances. DS1 was (and still is is!) shy with new people but he loved to try new things. DD1, 4 years younger was very outgoing. If they went anywhere together he would be responsible for the money and she would do the talking. The other three all had their quirks and anxieties, DS2 would panic in new situations - even if we were with him. We went to a wedding and whilst DH and the other DC enjoyed the reception I sat in the car and cuddled held him because he had a migraine. Our youngest DD hated to be in the spotlight but would take the initiative to volunteer for committees, community groups, any sort of work behind the scenes.

I think though that what helped them to be confident as late primary/early teens was spending time with adults outside of school or family. The three girls were all involved in Brownies and Guides. The relationship with the Guiders was different from any other relationship - they weren't peers, they weren't teachers or family but they had authority an still had fun with the girls. My sons were involved in music and drama groups and again there was the same sort of relationships - the activity was meant to be fun even if it was hard work and they mixed with adults who wanted to provide fun experiences even though they had to keep 50/60 school kids under control.

As I have said above, I do think that genes play a significant role.

However, I think it's very unlikely that your children have had "exactly the same upbringing". There will be differences because of the sibling dynamic, the impact on birth order etc. Of course these things are likely to have an effect on a child's confidence, alongside all of the other factors.

I have two children - one at each extreme. DD is supremely confident and sails through life. DS is anxious, shy and has very little confidence. I've decided it's genes! Both my children have had exactly the same upbringing. I've always expressed my love and tried to build up their confidence by frequently praising them. They most definitely feel very loved and secure. I try to push them out of their comfort zones as this builds confidence.
So how can one child be confident and the other not? Well, I think DD takes after my husband (who is also very confident) and DS takes after my side of the family. We are all rather anxious and lacking in confidence.
I can see so clearly that you can't fight the genes. Of course I do all I can to build my son's confidence but really, he's just wired to be a nervous sort of person like I am.

I'm not sure that I entirely agree with the premise of the question.

Firstly, I think there is a significant element which is probably innate/genetic. So I'm not sure if confidence is really something that is entirely within a parent's gift. Though I do think that parenting can help.

Secondly, I'm not sure that I agree whether it's a question of nurturing them and making them feel secure versus pushing them out of their comfort zone. I think you have to do both. Pushing a child to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable without any support is just cruel. Giving them the scaffolding and support that can help them to take that leap of faith is empowering.

My dd has always been extremely confident - I envy her for it to be honest! She doesn't have a hint of arrogance about her, but she does has very high self esteem - she genuinely likes herself as a person and she assumes that others will like her too unless they tell her otherwise (which almost never happens!) . She is very accepting of her strengths and weaknesses and readily acknowledges areas in which she needs to improve, while being equally accepting of others' strengths and weaknesses - fundamentally, she seems to have grasped the fact that nobody is perfect and that it's OK not to be perfect. She is willing to give anything a go and throws herself into any new situation with enthusiasm, she doesn't hesitate to put herself forward for stuff and she doesn't tend to be afraid of looking stupid or showing any vulnerability. I think this willingness to take social "risks" has enabled her to create lots of opportunities for herself that have merely helped to strengthen her sense of confidence and self belief.

I do think a lot of dd's confidence is related to innate personality traits. However, I think some of her early experiences probably helped her a lot as well. She was very much wanted and loved; dh and I were happy and in a stable during her early years, and we loved being parents. She got a lot of time and attention and a lot of physical affection. We listened to her for hours and always valued her opinion. We were also lucky enough to have a very loving and supportive family and to be living within an amazingly connected and supportive community - she had a lot of people around her in her early years who were interested and affectionate, and I'm sure that this shaped her outlook on the world and her expectations about how others would respond to her.

DD has told me that I always readily admitted when I got things wrong and apologised, and that I emphasised often that nobody was perfect. She thinks that this was important in helping her to accept her own vulnerabilities and flaws. She also suggests that the way any problems were handled was helpful - rather than rushing in to solve problems for her, we talked a lot about how she could solve them for herself, rehearsed what she might say to people and how they might respond etc.

DD was lucky enough to be naturally very academic so she experienced a lot of early successes which probably helped to build her confidence a lot - she felt competent and capable. I never pushed her though, and always emphasised that I valued effort over outcomes. I was very keen that she should learn how to fail well (having feared failure myself through most of my life) so I actively sought out opportunities for her to do stuff that didn't come too easily to her. Stuff that pushed her out of her comfort zone and stuff that she needed to persevere with to get better at it. I think this really helped her resilience but it wasn't ever a question of just leaving her to sink or swim...I wanted her to know that she was actively supported effectively to do the things that she found difficult. That might mean helping her practise for hours or paying for 1:1 tuition etc. And she was always in control of the process so she knew that she could stop if she had had enough, but we had lots of discussions about how good it would feel when she mastered X, how important it was to persevere and work for stuff, how proud I was of her resilience and determination etc. It took her 10 whole years to learn how to do a cartwheel, but she got there in the end, and I was so bloody proud of her sticking at it...way more proud, tbh, than of her string of perfect exam results which came to her much more easily.

DD learned quite early on that taking those small risks - like putting yourself out there to audition for something even though it felt really awkward - might be a bit uncomfortable in the short term but led to really positive outcomes - like getting a really good part in the play. We talked a lot about how most people are too worried about themselves to notice how nervous you are. She also learned that being "all in" with activities and showing real commitment typically yielded good results, and I think this helped to build a strong sense of self efficacy and self belief. She learned that if she worked at stuff - even stuff that didn't come to her easily - she could make it happen. That is incredibly empowering.

We also talked a lot in those early years about friendships and family relationships etc, how to be a good friend, how to handle tricky issues etc. Again, I think dd learned from an early age that, if you invest a lot in relationships with others, you typically get a lot back. This really helped to build her social confidence. She learned that, if you make a real effort with people, they will generally like you.

In the end, I think it becomes a bit of a virtuous circle. Every positive interaction, every nice comment, every little achievement, every challenge overcome... they all help to affirm that you are a likeable, capable person and that it's worth making an effort. That gives you the courage to talk to new people and attempt new (perhaps bigger) challenges, and it also gives you the determination to keep trying at the stuff which you find difficult. Often, you succeed again and so your confidence and resilience grows all the more.

Of course, there will be knocks along the way. Failures, setbacks, disappointments. But if you have a secure sense of self esteem and and a general sense that the world will usually respond positively to your efforts, you will typically frame these as minor obstacles to be overcome rather major issues that will get in your way. I've noticed that my dd will typically find the positives in any situation, even when things haven't worked out as intended - she will acknowledge any disappointments and allow herself to feel them, but she doesn't dwell on them. She tends to notice the unexpected benefits and opportunities instead of focusing on the stuff that hasn't worked out as intended. Looking back, I think this is something that I used to do with her when she was little as well, and it seems that she has now completely internalised it!

@Tiredsendcoffee my eldest was the most clingy, unconfident toddler/young child you can imagine. We had to give up on playgroup eventually as he just sobbed the entire time- their advice. He cried every day when left at nursery aged 3 and this continued (sorry) through reception ( although he stopped quickly when I left).

A bit older her refused to go on any rides he deemed remotely scary on a Disney trip. You get the picture.

Somewhere around the age of 7-8 he changed. Really changed and became confident and able to manage his emotions appropriately. He never looked back and has become a popular, confident and successful man.

I’ll never really know why he was how he was and why he changed. We were patient, consistent and never pushed him too far outside his comfort zone.

So it may, or may not happen quickly but children absolutely can become confident even from such a low base of confidence.

My eldest was the most confident toddler ever, now she’s 16 and has a group of amazing friends and has done well at school but she’s little shy and has bouts of anxiety, but generally she’s awesome and if she really wants something she goes after it.

DS was very clingy, I was peeling him off me at the school gate until he was 10, he’s not a fan of change but now he’s 14 he’s definitely my most confident child, he’ll talk to strangers, he’ll ask for directions, he seems happy in his own skin. Much less of a people pleaser than his sister. I think he’s just naturally like that, doesn’t over think things.

I teach at secondary, I’m an SEN teacher so get to know lots of kids with challenges really well. I think the key to resilience is always being there for them emotionally, but not doing everything for them. Encourage independence as much as you can. Have confidence they can deal with something and chances are they will. I’m of the school of thought that we aren’t here as parents to make the happiest childhood (lovely as that would be) but to ensure our children have the skills they need for adulthood.

i read an article about resilience a while ago that said building it was like building an immune system, you needed exposure to some adversity to learn you could cope, so letting kids do stuff independently in an age appropriate way is key. Climbing the tree, finding the friend at nursery, going to the park, taking the bus.. just experiencing the world.

I consider kindness, nurture and comfort along with love and stability to be absolute basics tenets of parenting. And I think if you get those right the other stuff is tinkering round the edges. Yes, kids and teens need boundaries and kindness, nurture and comfort doesn't mean they are never told off, but it means lots of carrot and very little stick, for me.

They can learn a lot of confidence from you and how they see you deal with people, but they can also build it themselves as they mature.

My parents are/were not particularly confident and forthright in certain situations though and they really don't question things in the way I do- education and my life experience in adulthood has helped me be a lot more assertive and self-assured than they are or were.

Also I was definitely not the finished article in my 20s or 30s= I've become far more confident in my 40s and feel I've only recently taken on board that I'm just as good as anyone else. I felt a lot of imposter syndrome in early adulthood. I hope I'm still growing as a person and learning even now.

OP, you sound like a wonderful mum.

My first piece of advice is don't sweat the small stuff. I have a confident, reasonably resilient, happy, fully functioning teen, and I remember through the early years, based on her behaviour, worrying that: she was showing signs of being psychopathic (showed no empathy); that she would be completely unstable emotionally (kept having meltdowns) that she would drive everybody mad by talking constantly all through her life; that she would be so obsessed by order and detail that she wouldn't have any friends (she liked to order her coloured pencils, rather than use them!) ; that she was so argumentative and insisting on negotiating everything that her only possible career would be a prosecutor; that she was so incapable of taking care of her own body or controlling her bowels that she'd be in adult nappies her whole life (she was somewhat late to toilet train) etc etc... and I would also worry that if X detail I did or Y detail I didn't do would seal her fate or rescue her!

In reality, all these behaviours are very natural phases that most children make their way through. They grow out of them as their biology and emotional regulation develops, and they inevitably experience life. We do have some influence, but not that much unless our behaviour is extreme.

I think happy balance on these questions is often the right answer. Eg in your nursery situation - don't get all anxious, jump in and smother him and say how awful and insist on staying for half an hour. But also don't sneer and say 'pull yourself together' and walk off. (I know you wouldn't). Anything roughly in between those two extremes, should, over time, send the right message of: "I'm here for you, you are loved, and I know you will be ok and are capable" - allowing the natural development to happen. But please please don't torture yourself with the tiny details.

I do think it is important to be ok yourself. When I got divorced, I was lucky enough to be able to have therapy. I asked my therapist what I could do to help my child through this, and I thought his advice was brilliant. He said the best thing you can do is be ok yourself. Your child will feel that and know things will be ok and feel safe. Best advice ever. So if you are struggling with anxiety, I'd suggest working on that directly. Even if it's just taking a deep breath and reminding yourself you are a wonderful mum, morning, noon and night. It will benefit you and your little one!

I really hope you are able get some support with this op.

I weirdly went the other way after kid, from totally anxious and lacking confidence to feeling so much more confident and sure of myself. I have quite a serious case of imposter syndrome in terms of education and in the workplace but feel more at home in my Mum role....I think because growing up all my female role models were sahm's and none had careers.

Be kind to yourself, you aren't failing at anything.

@Tiredsendcoffee my eldest was the most clingy, unconfident toddler/young child you can imagine. We had to give up on playgroup eventually as he just sobbed the entire time- their advice. He cried every day when left at nursery aged 3 and this continued (sorry) through reception ( although he stopped quickly when I left).

A bit older her refused to go on any rides he deemed remotely scary on a Disney trip. You get the picture.

Somewhere around the age of 7-8 he changed. Really changed and became confident and able to manage his emotions appropriately. He never looked back and has become a popular, confident and successful man.

I’ll never really know why he was how he was and why he changed. We were patient, consistent and never pushed him too far outside his comfort zone.

So it may, or may not happen quickly but children absolutely can become confident even from such a low base of confidence.

Both of mine are socially confident although only one is a confident person - the other is quite the opposite but you'd not know if you met her. She was a shy 3 year old - tbh a lot of them are - its a bit of a phase. I've always stressed the importance of manners as a tool to tell you what to do when you are unsure. So at 3 I used to explain that we were about to walk into a room full of people, she needed to just say "Good afternoon everyone" when she walked in and then she could go and sit quietly in a corner with me until she was read to engage. In the run up to school we role played a lot of your teacher will say "Good morning londondc how are you today" and she should reply "Very well thank you, how are you" so she could just pass the conversational baton straight back etc etc. From an early age they've been expected to sit at the table and make conversation/eat nicely etc. At young school age they'd be "allowed" to come downstairs in their PJs to pass nibbles around if we had guests for dinner - having a job to do and presenting it as a special treat made it so much easier. Now she is a very polished 21 year old who is always the go to student for faculty open days etc.