AIBU? Baby feeds, husband says I am.

Why are people so obsessed with feeding a baby to "bond"?

YANBU. Our 36 weekend (2nd centile) had feeding problems and it was so very stressful. If relatives or friends don't have the knack and cause distress for your baby then just hold your ground. They'd be making the baby uncomfortable and unhappy, and for what?

This has got nothing to do with dad feeding his own child. The OP isn’t talking about Dad, she’s talking about other relatives.

Mum of two here who has only ever fed her babies herself (breast fed) no not even dad shock - They both have an amazing bond with their dad (who takes a very active role in every other aspect of their care) and their extended family.

You have to do best by your child and if that means feeding yourself to give you the peace of mind that he's being fed properly then so be it. There are hundreds of other ways to bond with a baby other than feeding them

Sorry but are you saying a babys father has 'no right' to expect to feed his own child. Because ultimately you're incorrect, he has the same parental rights? This is why so many children get to 3/4 and 'only mum can settle them' leaving mum trapped, stuck doing all the parenting - its because Dad wasn't allowed a look in.

i hope you are at least letting your husband do a share of the feeding. Slippery slope if not, don’t push him out of it because you think only you can do it

You are not unreasonable. It's your choice. You and husband are first to do these things

I would get the help the nans can offer if the understand and can do a feed but your husband abd they have no right to expect to do the job.

No one needs to feed your baby to bond with them in the long run. If they did, no dad would ever bond with their breastfed baby.

Right now your baby is tiny. They were literally inside you a few weeks ago. Their bond with extended family isn't important compared to their bond with you at this stage. Do what makes you feel comfortable, a happy mum is the best thing for a baby.

Specific needs that the babies other parent also needs to learn. You know, 50% of their DNA?

I had a 34 weeker who was bottle fed after bf failed. I felt the same as you OP, I couldn't bear it when other people touched her. I was heartbroken when I had to leave her in NICU and go to the ward alone after she was born. It's a primal thing - you've been together 24/7 up to that point. Your baby is still so tiny and what you feel is normal and understandable. There's no need for anyone else to do feeds.

What they want at this stage is irrelevant and your OH needs to accept that.

You are not being 'overprotective' or 'precious' OP 🙄

And you are not being unreasonable. It sounds like at the minute your little one has very specific needs that you are very good and understanding and managing.

There are lots of other ways other family members can bond with him and he's still tiny so there is lots of time for them to do it.

Does your DH feed him? He should be the first other person to do so.

I wouldn't be precious about it.
I would fo the first however many ounces are normal, then see if someone else can get him to take some more

Just wanted to reassure you from a nicu nurse! Doing the calculation we do when we feed baby's on the unit your little one should be taking between 600-660mls in a 24 hour period which is 21-22oz so don't stress that he's having enough

I think you sound like a dedicated caring parent, and because you do care, I would suggest that training some back-up how to feed & look after DC properly, and letting them practice while you are around to observe/correct, is not a bad strategy. My FIL cared for our DC for a couple of days when I was too sick to stand and DH had a huge deadline. My sibling took DC as a 3-month-old, when a relative was about to pass away and DH and I went to be with them in hospital. It's a weight off my mind to know we have family who will help, and do it right, so that DC is not confused.

Each to their own, it's completely up to you. You just need to live with the fact 50% of people will agree with you and 50% of people will think you're being precious.

If you and husband are feeding and you don't want others to - not unreasonable. If husband isn't allowed to - unreasonable. He needs to bond and learn techniques and parent also.

I think from your post that he is doing feeds but not the grandparents, but am not certain!

Ds2 had severe reflux and was under a paediatrician. We also had to feed him in a particular position which we learned from him because I was with him 24/7.

Luckily both our Mums understood that feeding is just one tiny part of a baby's life and you can have a bond with a baby you don't feed, just like all Dads whose partners/wives breastfeed.

Your Dh is being silly and needs to understand that although they feed lots now as they get older it is longer between feeds so plenty of time for grandparents to hold the baby.

Nope - crack on as you are, OP. Cannot see a need for others to feed baby in order to bond, especially when there have been some complications. I'd keep things light and make it clear it's just about the feeding - i.e. say something like: "I'll just finish up here and then I think someone wants a big cuddle from grandma!".

We've had similar with naps. DD would only nap in the pram. Relatives would offer to push her, but the novelty of having someone other than boring mum or dad meant she would just giggle at them for an hour and come back without having slept a wink. After entertaining this for a bit I ended up just telling them that I'd get her off to sleep (5-10 mins max) on my own and then anyone was free to join and push her.

Far more important that young babies get properly fed/sleep than relatives get to play dollies for a bit!

Regarding your other questions on milk intake, I'm not too sure about volumes but if he's following the same centile, has plenty of wet nappies, and generally seems content (you said he's super smiley) then I would try not to worry, but just keep going with the weight clinic appointments, and make sure you share any concerns with them.

Sorry have i misread OP? Do you let baby's dad feed him?

Obviously it's entirely your choice. But in my experience, some people are instinctively good at baby feeding-so maybe worth giving someone else a try.

Incidentally, if he's putting on weight, he's getting enough milk. Some babies are slower growers than others-but putting on enough weight so he doesn't drop percentiles is a pretty good indicator that he's doing OK.

Well no, it sounds like he'd quite like to feed his own baby. I get not lettimg grandparents but i don't subscribe to the mumsnet view that mum makes the decisions over dad, dad is an equal parent to mum and has the same rights and if baby is bottle fed of course dad should sometimes be able to feed baby?!

This is terrible advice and I feel you’ve misunderstood, the nct does not advise sole feeding by mother.

I breastfed mine so nobody but me fed them by default.

They have a lovely bond with their family too. My parents have always played an active role. They're teenagers now who regularly drive over to see their grandparents of their own volition.

There are plenty of ways to play an active role and bond, feeding doesn't have to be one of them.

Your DH is wrong. Tell him to stop being so spineless and tell his mum No.

It is completely natural to be protective of a prem baby, and to want to pay close attention to his feeding. That is your every instinct so don't be pressured to do otherwise.

There is absolutely no need for your MIL to develop a bond at this early stage. Your baby is not a communal toy and there would be no benefit to your child. She is thinking only of herself.

Feeding is a bonding experience. Whilst he’s little it’s important for primary caregivers to feed baby. This is the advice friends got from NCT btw. Breastfed babies can only be fed by mum!

So the dad and grandparents needs are more important than the baby's needs? They are being selfish. They are not owed anything, they need to let the baby get food on the most comfortable way and be patient.