AIBU? Baby feeds, husband says I am.

I don't understand why people are obsessed with feeding other peoples babies. Just say "no, I don't feel comfortable with it."

Feeding isn’t the only way to bond with a baby. My baby was EBF so literally nobody other than me ever fed him once in his life and he has an amazing bond with his dad and grandparents on both sides.

I don’t know why people get so hung up on the idea that feeding is so important to bonding. There are plenty of other ways! OP is completely entitled to be protective over a very young, premature baby who has had feeding issues and reflux.

Is there a time when you would be comfortable and / or could you work towards that? Can you get some birth reflections counselling to unpack the trauma a little?

I think having boundaries is ok, it's so early. But I'd start with letting the babies dad help in the right way, as you'll need a break too and it's not "your child", but I get the protectiveness. Start small and build that muscle with time and trust.

I also see children who only get comfort from mum and it's a rod, when they are 1/2/3 I do believe socialisation is better in the longer term it's about doing it at your own pace too.

How about doing the feed and then passing for the sleep cuddles after?
How about saying I'll definitely need help with the weeing feeding to solids?

But I think you also need to do some work as it's absolutely understandable you've been through hell but if you can't trust the babies dad (not necessarily the grandparents) that's a problem and I think working on that first would be my advice otherwise your unchecked anxiety will get worse.
I say this with no judgement.

I was 28 weeks prem and in hospital 4-6m, all my siblings the same so I come from a familyp, a trauma family and grief (my sister 24w only survived 9m), my bro 32 but with a stitch.
As the child of this situation I have a very strained relationship with my folks because I was the oldest and because I was the easiest and they unknowingly out all this emotional toll and control on me and it really impacted relationships, and my childhood.
I know now that my parents were grieving and traumatized and didn't have support or talk about it, they were so young. But it has had an impact. It's hard being the child when parents have been terrified and through such scary times. Of course, I love them, I understand them now I'm grown with my own, but my only advice is try and get some support too so you don't accidentally put that on your child too in the longer term.

PS I do advocate trust your gut and I do support your choices, no judgement, I'm just giving my experience in case any of it is helpful and if it isn't please park it!

My grandsons have been/ is exclusively breast fed and I am very close to both of them. You don’t need to give a baby it’s food to bond with them

My daughter since leaving hospital only drank 4 x 3oz per 34 hours. She slept 12 solid hours every night.

OP you are not being unreasonable.
I had this issue with my DD.
I couldn't breastfeed (and even if I'd chosen not to I'd have felt the same) and suddenly everyone felt they were entitled to play pass the parcel with my baby, despite feeding issues. Nobody ever hounded my SIL to feed her baby, who was breastfed.
I put my foot down the day my MIL chucked the formula down the sink after offering a bottle and not giving my 11 week old DD adequate time to get started (she used to take an hour to drink a bottle).
I'm now pregnant again, this time I'm choosing to formula feed and I won't be allowing anyone to feed my baby unless I feel comfortable.

I'm the only one who fed mine (breastfed) and also no idea how much they ate of course. I would say try not to overthink these things. I'm sure the nans would be quite capable of following instructions on the technique you have been advised to use when you are ready but don't be forced

There's a certain way you feed reluctant prem babies, or they just take less milk, isn't there. At this age, the only people who could persuade 2 of my boys to feed were me and his dad, and a very experienced midwife at my post natal group.

Another few weeks down the line, and the boys got better at it as they got stronger and bigger.

Maybe say that when he's less of a faffy feeder and you're confident that he'll just drink is when you'll let others feed him?

Absolutely this

I thought current advice is just for parents to feed to increase bonding plus your LO has more complex feeding needs.
Ignore them

Also to echo posters above there are plenty of ways to bond with a baby without feeding them, changing them or putting them to bed.

(Something my MIL still doesn't understand but that's a whole other story)

Just want to add that my little boy was born in December at full term and I was so protective that it only me and my partner to feed him.

At around 10 days old, my partner offered his mum the chance to feed and I had this strong instinct to take him back. So your feelings are completely normal and I don't think men understand the hormonal instincts of having a young baby.

It was one boundary I didn't budge on until about 5 months when my mum looked after him for a day when I had a KIT day. I still don't think he understands now but accepted it as a choice I wanted to make.

I am pretty relaxed about most things but this was a big no no. I would say stick to what you want. You are the baby's mother and know them better than anyone.

Is this actually coming from him?
The advice is that you and he should be the ones that feed him if bottle fed. It's about bonding. It's not about pass the dolly.

Nobody fed my babies as I breastfed them and nobody's bond was affected! Don't listen to that rubbish. You know best

My baby was full term, no feeding issues and we still didn't let anyone else feed him until 6 months. I wanted to breastfeed but couldn't get on with it but still felt like feeding him was my job (although I was happy for my husband to do the feeds too). Grandparents don't need to feed to bond.

YANBU

Prem babies have different needs to full term babies.

Keeping them warm and fed so that they gain weight is a stressful full time job.

18 years down the line and the trauma of it all is still there in my soul.

Prem babies have highs and lows that are distinct to prem babies.

If i were to change anything i did back then it would be trust my gut rather than listen to what others wanted me to do.

Both my DC are beautiful thriving young people now.
You are doing an amazing job.
Every millilitre of milk helps a preemie especially one with reflux .

Carry on being the warrior you are for your baby . Its SO worth it x

Tell your silly partner that the baby isn't a toy and feeding him isn't a fun game other people get a turn at.

He’s tiny, accusations of preciousness can fuck right off. Until very recently he was literally inside you, of course you want to feed and care for him yourself. He’s a person not a play thing people get to “have a turn with”. Your partner should want what’s best for your baby and for you, not undermine your wishes or instincts. I bf and my babies have incredible bonds with their father and grandparents. Stand firm.

If it helps the NHS website recommends that only one or two main caregivers (ie parents) bottle feed the baby.

My lb is 5.5months old. Only my partner, my dd13 and myself have ever fed him or changed his nappy (not dd). He's not going to be a baby for long, il be back at work soon and I enjoy the bonding time with him so if you want to be involved in his life you need to respect my boundaries. Grandparents got to enjoy it when their children were young, this is my time.
May sound harsh to some but it's how I feel.

Just tell your DH no means no and to stop asking again if he has any respect for your wishes. Tell him YOU need his support, not his wider family and that he needs to get on your side and support your decisions. It doesn’t matter what we all think on here, this is about your DH respecting you and your choices for your baby.

YANBU. At all
as a mum to a baby with severe reflux and CMPA i sympathise. We’ve had our battles with feeding from day one and several hospital admissions and feeding tubes.
baby is now 5 months and thriving through us learning exactly how best to feed him and knowing his cues during every bottle as to how it’s going to go!
all of which is too much to teach other family for the odd bottle feed and also too much to expect of them to do it correctly. It honestly used to stress me out when my mum or MIL used to grab the bottle and attempt a feed. I’m much more vocal about it not happening now!
we were also told by health visitor that it’s best that only parents should feed baby for bonding reasons.

YANBU! My DD wasn’t premature but was just never bothered by milk, every ounce was a struggle. She is still just as unbothered by food as a toddler! Only myself or my partner would ever give her, her bottle otherwise she’d just get frustrated and take even less. There is no need for others to feed a baby in order to bond!

Not even a premie and no, I wouldn’t want this either - they’re not play things. YANBU

The Op hasn't said anything about not letting the Dad feed him. She specifically said the issue is about "nans on both sides etc"

You know best and the grandparents should grow up.