If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

100% with you OP

parent don’t do a child a favour by raising them- parents choose to be parents.
But choosing to be a shit grandparent means you can forget help in your old age- btw a redundant point for me, no skin in this argument as my parents are dead.

I will be there for my MIL because she is a wonderful, caring person who has helped me and DH alot by taking one of our boys regularly. She is 80 and she goes with us on vacation every year and we are all happy to have her in our lives.
My father (mother deceased) doesn't even remember my children's birthdays, have no idea how old they are etc. He was present during my childhood but he caused alot of heartache to my mum and us children. I'm not mad at him, just detached. I wish him all good but he better not count on me to take care of him. Something I will gladly do for my generous MIL...

Eeurgh what an awful title for tat question title, when actually your OP makes more sense.

I don't think any GPs should do childcare, unless they actively want to. My parents did none, and I'll care for them as much as I possibly can. However, they remember birthdays, love the GCs and always do lovely activities and have fun holidays with them. But the whole GPs doing childcare thing... I'm already hoping my children don't expect that of me, bloody hell surely 28 years of parenting my own offspring will be considered enough?!!

@CautionConcealedEntrance - forgive me if I’m wrong, but this more about feelings of service in expectations vs service and expectations met. In contractual terms:

Party A (your parents) had children who were cared for greatly - even mainly by - party B (your grandparents)

Party B pass away mainly uncared for, or if there is care party A expect help from you, after all, they cared for you as a child.

Party C (you) have children (party D) and party A is not willing to give any help, to the lengths of taking early retirement and moving abroad to further remove the prospect.

In contractual terms were being ripped off, our parents were given so much help, did the minimum for their own parents, fuck all for their grandchildren and yet still feel entitled to help. It’s like were the sandwich generation who do everything for everyone.

I will say this isn’t my personal experience, my parents are both passed but I see it so clearly in my wider family and friends now. For clarity of generations we are around 40s now

I doubt the OP is really expecting much childcare herself since her parents live in another country…

I think there is a difference between not doing regular childcare and having zero interest in your grandchildren. It looks like you are the latter OP so I understand your position.

We have had less help than my siblings but both my children are disabled so we understand why. However when my DM was terminally ill at home, because of my caring responsibility for my children, I couldn't physically be there as much as the others.

My in laws didn’t help us once in 20 years. We had very serious illnesses when our DD was a baby, with lengthy hospital stays. Not an ounce of sympathy or help. They never baby sat once, helped with a day of school holidays or made sure had any food when we were both made redundant at the same time. They’ve made no effort to know our daughter and have no relationship with her.

They bent over backwards to help SIL with her many children, funded holidays and bought them all school uniform, expensive Christmas and birthday presents. Whereas our DD has had nothing from them.

We will not be helping them at all, SIL can do it all as far as I’m concerned. Amusingly I know she won’t do a thing unless they pay her. So good luck with that!

YANBU - not even necessarily for childcare - but if they didn’t show love and support to you and your children then they’re only family because of blood - no other reason.

We have the same with the in laws and they’re not interested in our kids or bothered about us and so we’re not close.

Whereas DH is another son to my parents and we’d all do anything for each other. We’ve already agreed with have either of my parents live with us in future and will probably have my sibling with us and always be there for support.

Again, I don't think grandparents should be obliged to provide childcare at all, we've had none from ours and have a brilliant relationship with them and will do what we can as they age. That's not that this thread is really about though.

OP's title is inflammatory, but her OP says "my parents take zero interest in my DC and don't even really know them. I find their attitude very upsetting and it's damaged our relationship. AIBU that this makes me reluctant to provide elderly care?" And I don't think SIBU in that at all, I can't imagine how hurt I would be if my parents showed so little interest in my children.

Why should grandparents be expected to provide free childcare?

What a selfish attitude... you didn't help me therefore I won't help you!

I help with my GC not because I'm expected too but because I want too! Sounds like your parents didn't want too and by your attitude I can understand why not!

By the same token I have made it very clear to my children that as I get older I do not expect I fact I forbid them to care for me.. I've told them to put me in a home and live their lives

I care for my parents because they cared for me and my siblings. I always made it clear to my parents that childcare was not their responsibility and they were to do as little or as much as they wanted with the grandchildren.

Definitely going to organise my own care. As my DC are gorgons anyway....

I've had no help. My DP moved abroad when I was pregnant with my eldest. My in laws live close by but aren't interested.

With my in laws we have no relationship and obviously my DC have no relationship with them. So I wouldn't be inclined to go out of my way.

With my DP it's not quite the same. While the moving away in part showed the level of care about my DC and in many ways they are very distant parents/grandparents. However, they have made some effort and so have we. But I do see the difference in how close my cousin is with her parents who have supported her massively - now my uncle has dementia she supports an awful lot.

It’s not about actual child care. They couldn’t even be bothered to celebrate birthdays or anything for their own grandchild yet expect their child to come fix all their problems.

If you as an adult cnba in your own child’s life including their children you cannot be surprised when they give no more care to you than any other elderly person.

I am very confused.

yanbu

As a parent to you when you were a child they had a duty to look after care for and raise you. That doesn’t give you a duty to look after them.

You had a child and your parents gave not one fuck clearly to even do simple things for birthday. Why would you care when they then want things from you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Reap what you sow.

Yes I think so actually. Looking after your children is generally non negotiable. Once they become adults, you're no longer obligated to do anything for them or your grandchildren. Those who do, do it out of love.

I answered wrongly! I've asked MN to delete!

You've got in totally wrong IMO!

My love for them, and therefore my inclination to help them as far as I can, is not conditional on how much energy they felt willing and able to put into helping me raise my DC, having already raised their own

I think it’s really weird to barely speak to your gc, forget their birthdays etc and for it to have no impact on your relationship with them.

Oh I see they have to do two sets of care because no one asked to be born. Surely this logic also applies to your own DC?

And satisfied their maternal and paternal needs?

So what? Who fucking cares! No one asked to be born!

@LittleGreenDragons to the point that you'd be happy with them taking no interest in your children? Did you have a relationship with your grandparents?

How do you equate that your parents are your responsibility?

Nobody asks to be born. Does my frigging head in when people say you owe you parents because they had sex one night.

It's more to do with how you feel about them. You probably feel their total lack of interest in your children reflects how they feel about you. I'm guessing they were and still are poor parents who did not build a strong or loving bond with you. I'm guessing but this could be why you don't want to look after them. I would not either.