If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

No judgment here but Care should not be a trade off. If you don’t feel the compassion then don’t do it.

Sounds like they didn't really raise you and their total lack of interest in you or the DC justifies your views and feelings

My mil never bothered with my kids. To the point of buying extravagant gifts for sil kids at Xmas and some cheap thing for mine. She didn’t visit when they were born, or show any interest in spending time with them.

I don’t think it’s a tit for tat thing. But my kids are somewhat indifferent towards her. I can’t imagine them feeling any particular obligation to her because she just doesn’t have that bond with them. My mum and grandma however were very present and see them a lot. So they do have a bond with them, and the kids want to spend time with them, and feel a sense of duty to them. Teenage ds are very protective of Nan and Grandma especially.

Your upbringing sounds difficult OP,‘I would focus on your own personal dynamic and if you don’t want to then don’t. It sounds like your interaction with them come at some emotional cost and if it’s not positive in any way for you then don’t do it.

Fucking hell. They raised you. But sure, if they won't also raise your kids, chuck em in a home 🙄

To add, as a grandparent, I do help with childcare but I also have a mortgage, a job, a life. If my children decide I don't do enough, I guess it'll be fine if they go No Contact as soon as I'm too infirm to do a nursery pickup.

Op isn't asking them to raise her child she's asking them to take a small interest which is obviously very different.

I have this with my in-laws. They favour their older gc and don't bother with my child so they can't count on any practical or financial help from me but I'm sure they'll ask anyway.

So it's not enough to raise ones children? You don't think they deserve to be empty nesters and enjoy the functional years they have left?
Is everyone so hard-hearted that they would be that transactional with their parents?
I absolutely realise some parents are shit etc, but I'm talking about those who feel that despite having had 18-20 years (or more) of being there, they now have to do something in order to get some help and care back.
Edited to add:
I'm not talking about the OPs parents specifically, it's a general point about the issue

"You didn't give a shit when I needed help, I don't give a shit that you need help now."

YANBU I don't think there's anything wrong with matching somebody's energy. Relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial.

I do not think the lack of childcare itself should be an impediment to a supportive relationship with your parents in their old age. But I can see that the lack of interest in and lack of care for your children more globally would be very off-putting when contemplating support to your parents. They sound emotionally distant, not only to your children but also toward you and that is bound to make you feel somewhat alienated from them. So to answer your question, I do not think it is the lack of childcare (what would they have done realistically if they live in another country?) but the lack of an emotional connection that justifies you keeping them at arms' length.

Leave your children out of it, you chose to have them.

Did your parents care for, support and raise you?

We live close to my IL’s and they have airways been lovely, kind and caring GP’s without being oppressive. I will happily help them out if they need it in the future.

My DM died way before any GC came along and my DF lived over 3 hours away from us but he always made the effort to send gifts, phone the dc on their birthdays and genuinely seemed to dote on them and what they were up to from afar. I had no hesitation helping him when he became unwell, became frail and then passed away. It was a privilege to do all of that as well as to carry out his wishes according to his will. I have 2 siblings and it is clear that we haven’t all felt the same way.

Are you being deliberately goady?

My parents can’t do any childcare for my kids, they were ill and unwell before they were even conceived. They do however love the bones off them, even if they’re quite hands off. I’ll do as much as I can as long as I can.

My MIL is the most loving grandparent in the world, super hands on, but chose to move 3h away when she retired so I imagine I won’t be able to do as much for her.

I don’t think care is a reciprocal thing. But your scenario smacks of disinterest. So I’d absolutely send that back. Childcare doesn’t equal elder care, but child interest probably does equate to elder interest. I’m sorry.

Given your update I would not help at all.
They put you in foster care???!!

So by this logic if there are no grandkids then you still don’t have to care for aging parents?

It must be lovely to have such a simplistic view of life.
And what if your parents were abusive/neglectful?

My parents have had no interest whatsoever in my kids - so much so my husband finds it really hard to get on with them because they would never help us so we could have day/night away. HOWEVER they were great parents - I had the most amazing childhood - and I think they burnt themselves out giving me and my siblings an idyllic childhood but by the time I had children they were loving life as just the two of them because they did everything for us when we were growing up. It has been a bone of contention in our house as they have no interest in the grandchildren at all - there argument is that theyv'e been there done that and they aren't their children so there is no way they would waste a day going to the zoo or looking after them for us - that is our job. They don't do kids anymore. But I do think as they get older I would be there for them but it does hurt a bit that they have never bothered with their grandchildren.

You get what you give.

I would help with elderly care, given my parents raised me. Nothing to do with them providing me with childcare, and if that's your attitude then you seem pretty entitled so sounds like you have been spoilt.

I would not be helping them. They didn't help you so let them get on with it. They were so mean to do that to you and their grandkids

All of this

You're stronger than me!!

Keep going!!

They deserve it.

It's not about childcare but about relationships. My children give my MIL so much joy and love so she's happy to have one of them often. My DS even saved his allowance to treat her to à restaurant !

It's not they didn't help it's that they showed zero interest or love in their grandchildren