If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

How could they childcare from another country?

And you had a mum who would look after her grandchildren if you were stuck! Do you even realise what a massive thing that was? Sounds like you just took it for granted.

When they go low.
You go higher.

I would help regardless I don't have that mentality I.e you didn't help me so I am going to make you pay for it.

I don't think anyone is obliged to look after their parents or their grandkids. But if you don't give a single fuck about your grandkids, you probably don't have a good relationship with your kids, so why would you expect them to look after you in old age?

Tbh I don't "expect" my child to look after me when I'm old because I'm not selfish. I'd rather they were off enjoying their life anyway frankly! My parents in law don't give a fuck about us and vice versa so why would we volunteer to look after them when they probably wouldn't even flinch if we dropped dead tomorrow?

Your parents were good parents to you hence you having that attitude.

Doesn't sound like OPs parents were exactly good parents, though does it?

This. Surely it follows the other way around. They raised you, so you have an obligation to help them out. If you argue that you, didn't ask to be born then can say the very same about your kids.

I see adult children do this for their parents because they say they have guilt

I can answer that for my DC's grandmother (ex-MIL) - no! ( As in care for, support etc. DC's dad.) And not been interested in the GC either.

Ops parents don't seem like they were really very good.

Honestly my parents were good parents to me and sacrificed a lot to put us through college. My mom was always clear that she wouldn't want to mind grand kids on ongoing basis but would help if we were really stuck.
It seems to that being good parents isn't enough for you because they also didn't look after your kids for you they don't deserve any support . I think it's a despicable attitude actually.

Well, that's the point 'they are my parents, they raised me, I love them' is not universal.

So you don’t see the elder parents who expect their children to take them shopping weekly. To weekly doctors appointments, to come and cut the lawns and do general maintenance and such the many threads of complaints about them.

At times the asks of some elderly parents can be like having an additional child but only one who thinks they deserve more because they are older and raised you so you owe them.

And grandparents also need to work out their own care and not expect anything of their children.

My mum didn’t look after mine unless it was for a GP appointment or an emergency but I’m happy to look after my mum. Why on earth wouldn’t I look after my mum, especially now that she’s frail and vulnerable.

But I don't see elderly people expecting to be helped just adult children who have kids then complain about how much nursery costs and do this 'Oh I have mummy guilt' thing

Maybe people should think carefully before having children then?

But yes if anyone does actually expect to be helped in old age that is wrong too

My DM was amazing with helping out DSis with her kids. She went to stay with them for 2 months when they had their 2nd to help out and was always spending weekends looking after their DC so they could go for weekends away, attend adult only weddings etc.

When I had my first, I had an awful birth, we were in hospital for a week dealing with birth injuries which affected me & DS. DM visited for a couple of days once we got home, came to a midwife appointment with me where I was told they weren’t signing me off as they had concerns I was showing signs of post natal depression/obsessive thoughts. That afternoon, she fucked off to stay with DSis ‘to give her a lie in’. DM and I have been NC for 8 yrs now, DSis can do the caring.

Is that not the same in reverse. Just because your now elderly doesn’t mean your children’s worlds need to stop and become about you as they have work/their own children and hopefully a social life to live.

Grandparents lives don't stop just because they have grandchildren, if someone makes a choice to have children they need to work things out for themselves

Yes and no. I’m NC with my family so I won’t be helping with any care as they get older. Has nothing to do with them not helping with childcare (they live abroad, so neither of us could help each other anyway).

MIL didn’t really help with childcare. I mean she has spent a few days with dc over the years, but not in any consistent or ongoing way. We would certainly provide support financially if she needed care, and Dh might do some practical things, like fixing her car or whatever. But we are NC with her partner (he is a dangerous man with a criminal record) and he won’t let Dh in the house anyway, so we couldn’t provide actual support while he’s still alive. Maybe when he’s dead, but still kicking so far.

How is that being goady? The OP is directly linking her kids care to caring for her parents. I’m merely wondering how this transactional relationship works with no kids.

I've been through several emotional arcs thinking about my parents and in-laws and how I react to how they relate to me & my kids.
I'm currently in an indifferent zone but I also have a side story of mercenary because I want my kids to benefit from inheritance.
So minimal effort, chuck them the odd picture for display purposes because it's all about display with mine. And wait.

I'll bet if there were no grandkids they'd be moaning about that as it's something to show off to friends. As for parents raising their kids and how we should all be thankful to them for that-don't have kids, simple. If none of us were born it's not like we'd know or care. Parents have kids for their own selfish reasons, it's not like someone dropped orphan kids on their doorstep and they raised them out of the goodness of their hearts.

Most people want kids and would be devastated if they couldn't have them, children more than make up for being raised by giving their parents the joy of raising a child. If you don't get this, feel free not to have kids. They're not there as insurance policies against old age. Thinking looking after elderly, frail grown adults is any sort of "trade" is massively short-sighted. It's not comparable.

No my parents didn't help.
Yes I helped them. And gosh I'm glad I did.

The two things really aren't comparable as a quid pro quo. When I needed childcare I was at the prime of my life in terms of healthy, energy and earning potential. When they needed help they were at the end of life and vulnerable. Of course i helped. And now they're gone at least that's one regret I don't have.

My FIL was insistent that they wouldn't do regular childcare or school pick ups which I completely accepted. It would have helped hugely as we had no one else to help but I felt he had the right to do as he wished. However I knew my PILs had had an enormous amount do help from their own parents.

Now my FIL is elderly he expects a lot of help and we did give him so much regular time during Covid and when my (beloved) MIL died. But I resent his assumption that we will help. I tell myself thought that I'm not like him

You don't owe them anything, spend your time with the family you have made