If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

But I don't see elderly people expecting to be helped @Edingril

There are many, many parents who DO expect and demand that their Adult Children help when they get older. My Mother was looking for reassurance that I would look after her when she was old and asked this frequently from when I was about 9 or 10! She was a very difficult and selfish lady all her life

@CautionConcealedEntrance - In answer to your question as it is written, without the further information, YABVVU. It's not and shouldn't be a tit-for-tat response to them not watching your children. GP's are not obliged ever to watch their grandchildren on a regular basis. Living abroad may not the easiest way to make and maintain relationships with Grandchildren either

However, you have then given the explanation that you don't want to help your parents, much/at all because they haven't had any interest in your children/have forgotten Birthday's etc, but you haven't mentioned what your OWN relationship is like with them. Were they good parents when you were young? Is the only reason that you don't want to help, related to their disinterest in your children? Or have you never had a good relationship with either of them? If it is actually the latter then it is very understandable and YANBU

You are not a Monster though, whatever

The OPs parents were abusive. I think a few of us have said that. Or it may have got lost because she didn't put it in her first post.

The lack of empathy for the OP is palpable. Not everyone has the same relationship with their parents, not all parents are loving or supportive.

The OPs parents outsourced her care as they put her into boarding schools. If my parents did this, I would feel unloved and detatched from them. Also, the OP was in foster care before boarding school!

The OPs parents have not built any meaningful relationship with their grandchildren.

If the OPs parents could afford boarding school, I am sure they have money for their own care.

It is not just about childcare is it though? I bet you still take an interest in your grandchildren and remember their birthdays.

You reap what you sow.

If your parents did not nuture your relationship, then it should not be surprising to them if you do not feel close (esp as you are literally not close!).

Would you call foster care and boarding school from 6 caring for OP??

@CautionConcealedEntrance

I think your parental situation isn't a normal one btw - they definitely sound self absorbed.

Big difference between being interested, giving birthday gifts etc and providing childcare - whether they are working or have other things they do, it's not grandparents responsibility to provide childcare except on an occasional basis

If you'll RTFT you'll see that they very much didn't. It's no wonder OP doesn't feel inclined to put herself out for them.

I have a sort of similar situation in that my parents- well mum in particular and dad follows her- has never been interested in having a close relationship with me, eg we've never been out shopping or for coffee together, never any trips etc. They do show an interest in my children and have looked after them quite a lot but I know my dad would have done more than that if my mum had been up for it. My mum is not too well now and sometimes in her emails - doesnt like me calling and asks me to email if i call -says things like I know you are too busy to come and see me and I think you've set this situation up. What do you realistically want me to do now?! So I take the kids to see them and we have parties and birthday lunches for various members of the family- rarely for me! - and I've come to the conclusion that we weren't that close and that can continue throughout our lives. I've made my peace with it but am reluctant to get involved in any caring duties as it would feel awkwardly without the close relationship if that makes sense!

I dont regret having DC. I just don't want to provide childcare for their DC, unless in case of emergency or illness. I am happy to go into assisted living. I can afford it.

My views may change, but my actions won’t. In choosing to have children I’m choosing to take on a role that includes supporting them throughout their lives. I’m sure there are people who bitterly regret having a child, but it doesn’t change the actions that are legally and morally required of them, they have to raise that child now to a minimum standard. I might not be hugely enthusiastic about caring for grandchildren when I’m in that situation, but as far as I’m concerned the moment my child is born I will have an obligation to them that includes their children, and unless I’m physically incapable I will be fulfilling it.

And I will certainly be encouraging my children to consider the parents of their potential spouse when they are adults for exactly this reason.

I'd have been very hurt if my parents hadn't taken an interest in my children. I didn't expect childcare as they didn't live nearby, nor from other GPs who were more local, though they kindly offered to have DDs one day a week which was great. It's the not taking an interest bit that would hurt.

I'm an only child so I don't know what I'd have done re elder care had it been a necessity in that scenario. I wouldn't feel minded to go out of my way for them if they had not been interested in their grandkids.

And now ops putting in her time with her children. Raising them.

You don’t get a score card to cash in just because you raised a child or mostly in ops parents case sent your child away.

Act like a distant relative get treated like one.

They don’t even put in effort for their grandchild’s birthday. Why should op or her children treat them special just because one upon a time they looked after op for a mere handful of years as foster careers and boarding school did most the looking after.

For me it isn't really about the practical support (including childcare) it is about the closeness of the relationship.

My parents moved abroad, long term and then permanently ( just as my marriage ended...and as a newly single parent would have appreciated some support).

Although they said ‘ we are only a two hour flight away’, they missed my children’s christenings, missed family weddings, funerals and other events. ( too tight to pay for flights, an outfit and gift).

As mf DF was ill and they were in their 70’s they returned to the UK. They changed their minds about moving close to me, choosing to live near my brother. Overtime my DF can't drive this far to me. I work full time in a demanding job.

Our relationship is one phone call a week. They have no contact with my DC’s. I visit my parents, maybe once a month. They never invite us to them.

A recent tragedy in my family, they didn't recognise at all and lied when I challenged them.

I send/buy/visit for birthday. They don't reciprocate. Again when I said ‘ I know you don't do birthdays but I wanted to treat you’ my DM said ‘well none of us do birthdays’. I reminded her of my gifts to them, magazine subscriptions, days out, clothing, gardening equipment, concerts abroad (Michael Buble) , top La Liga football games and both with hotel stays.

I invited them to stay for Christmas. We had an amazing time, everything just as expected. Great food, company, games, drinks.
Our Christmas visit to them this year as they can't travel, taking them a large food hamper, my DC’s taking them gifts too, was dismal. A cup of tea and one mince pie each.

I'm not going to feel quilty about not helping them. I'm very sad that our relationship is so limited. I've tried to model how family relationships could be, but there isn't anything returned.

My DF has always been a selfish man. It is all about him. DM has grown very similar. They are insular and quite bitter. Very little joy in anything they do.

I wonder if they know how to build and maintain relationships. I wonder if they really want to.

Similar situation here. One set of GP were part of my DC life as they grew up, the others lived at the other end of the country and made zero effort to be part of the family.

I always said you get back what you put in and me, my partner and both my DC would do anything for one set of GP. The others (Mine) have literally zero contact. My DC treat them as strangers and i can go years without seeing them. One is now no longer with us and the other is struggling along with Parkinsons, cancer and a whole host of other stuff. I said 15 years ago that they should move to be closer to me and my 2 other siblings to lay down some roots and plan for the future but they ignored it.

A very interesting question.

I care for my Dad. He, and Mum, did look after our children in the holidays a lot but I don't think that's been a reason for me wanting to help him now.

What has, in part, made me want to help is the fact he and Mum both cared for their parents (my Grandparents). In different ways - one at our home as my Grandad was bed bound, and the others at their own home calling in most days with some SS support visits.

Equally I do it because Dad chose it from the alternative of moving into a care home. It's what he wants, we love him, and it makes him happy - and our lives are such that we are lucky and can accommodate the change.

@CautionConcealedEntrance your parents don’t appear to have been good parents to you (what was their upbringing like?). Why foster care?

But there is a difference between interest in grandchildren and providing childcare.

In the case of your parents I probably wouldn’t have wanted them to provide childcare as not sure they would provide good care

DH and I both moved away from our home towns so grandparents weren’t available for childcare, but they still have an interest in DC. Childcare should not be expected of grandparents. As retirement age gets older and as the age of having children gets older I think grandparent childcare will get less as we move through generations

No you are not a monster. Neither were they.

YANBU. What do they expect you to do from another country? It works well until it completely falls apart. If you have no relationship then fair enough.

I really don’t mean to sound rude, but are you dense? Who chose to have OP?

@batt3nb3rg your views may change once you have raised your own DC. My idea of what I was prepared to do has changed over the years. I was very idealistic pre DC. Not so much now.