If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

I don't expect my parents to provide regular childcare but I'd be heartbroken if they had no interest in my children at all. It would be enough to drive a wedge between us.

To be fair @CelesteCunningham OP did a spectacular drip feed.

Have you RTFT or even just the OP?

This is a bizarre attitude… they raised you! Why should they be responsible for your children as well?

And without more information, you don't know either way, but ultimately, if she doesn't feel able to look after her parents (and not everyone can), then she needs to be honest about it. Realistically given they are in a different country, the options are limited.

Absolutely yes. As a very natural thing to do, for both my parents when they needed me, moreso at the end of their lives. Never did I consider what either had done or not done 'for me' previously

Both times I did so came with critique and costs but I care little about that as the most important thing is I did all that I could and rest easy because of it.

I absolutely feel the same as you. My parents, particularly my Mother, have never shown interest in my children and it has broken my heart at times wishing for a real grandparent/grandchild relationship for them. When the time comes, I will not be willing to act in the way someone with a close family relationship would for their benefit when they wouldn’t for my children’s benefit.
They also didn’t do very much for my Grandfather at the end of his life and he was an amazing man and a fantastic grandparent. They can’t expect to be treated so much better by their children than they treated him is my logic .

Hi it's lovely to read your story, thank you for sharing with us.

This is all about your unresolved anger, for your own psychological wellbeing lay it aside, if you can afford to help them, then help them, be the better person.

Good luck with your continuing journey.

I mean she had two parents not just one. I wouldn’t put my child in care because my husband was sick. My child would come first.

It rather depends why she was in care doesn't it? If it was neglect, then certainly not, but if its due to ill health etc then that is a different matter. I can't see whether she was raised here or in a different country.

I think it depends on the overall dynamic. My parents don’t help a lot with childcare, save for the odd spot of babysitting once or twice a year.

But they are a constant source of support in all other ways for me and my family, they come on holidays with us, I pop round regularly for a cuppa and they always feed me!! As and when they need my help I’ll gladly give it because they’re great parents / grandparents.

You read ops parents putting her in care then mostly to boarding school as loving doting parents ….

So them raising you as a child and loving you doesn't give you reason to help...if feasible given they are in a different country? Lots of parents want to give their kids the best and provide a private education but are not able to.

Not all Grandparents can give help with grandkids, mine are 200 miles away ...not really getting your rationale here.

If you just don't want to help, be honest but expect to have to explain why which will be a difficult conversation.

I totally understand you OP l suppose that due to your neglected childhood you are not close to your DP and since they have made little effort with your DC why should you put yourself out for them

I was also the sibling who had no help with childcare and no financial help. In contrast to my sister, who had a substantial trickle of both from the age of 18.
Parents fell ill and it was me who stepped up. And you know it what? I didn't begrudge it. I see my sister's over reliance on them over the years as weakness, and my independence as strength. I'm glad I was there for them. Obviously not a popular opinion on this thread tho!

I secretly wonder if it’s the worst parents who ask the most for their old age.

DH's parents have always shown very little interest in our DC, just as they show little interest in him. They have favoured his DSis her whole life, and this has extended to them favouring her DC.

I don't think GP's should ever feel obliged to babysit so its not about that. But if I'm honest the fact that they have chosen to be involved and present GP's to SIL's kids and not ours will make me less inclined to go out of my way to help when they are old and infirm. Maybe it's horribly petty, but part of me thinks why shouldn't SIL and BIL shoulder more of that responsibility since they've benefited from years of emotional, practical and financial support from PIL? I'm not proud of it but that's how I feel.

Depends on their reason for lack of interest in the grand kids. My dad had no interest really in my kids. He saw them when I visited. But he was diagnosed with mental health problems when I was a teen and had lived alone since I was in my twenties. However when we was starting to struggle to get about and do things I did go and help him, took home to appointments, sorted his shopping etc. why wouldn’t I?

I agree with this; how can you withhold assistance? You had children; you look after them. If your parents didn't look after you, that's a different matter.

Based on how they raised you I’d just offer to stick them in a care homes. I definitely don’t think you’re a monster.

You've described the situation as transactional, when it isn't. The issue is actually the lack of relationship or warmth between you, not them and your DC.

I wouldn’t help in your position. I don’t expect to help my parents much but as a pp said that’s more because they weren’t great parents

OP why did you make this post about your children, when if you’d said should I look after my parents who neglected me my whole childhood, the responses would have been different? I wouldn’t have expected much childcare from people who barely looked after their own child. Based on your update, they shouldn’t have any expectations of you.

No problem

Thanks so much 🙏 There will be long and tedious years ahead. I need to let go of some of this anger.