If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

This is being said in response to those like yourself who are saying that you have no obligation/duty towards the children your children chose to have. This is of course true, in the same way you have no obligation/duty to your own children post-18. Anything you choose to do for them after that point is out of love, care, and fostering a great adult relationship with your children . . . much the same as building a positive relationship with your grandchildren.

Horrid, horrid attitude
Did it not occur to you that they sent you to boarding school for a good education?
The level of selfishness on MN toward elderly parents who do not drop everything to look after their grandchildren is appalling

I have to laugh at posters without any DC saying it's 18 years of responsibility. It's not any more. Have a look at the parents of adult children board. 30-year-olds are still at home, thanks to the CoL.

I was giving those specific examples because certain people are stubbornly persisting in stating that what people want from grandparents is full-time 9-5 childcare every day of the week or they're damned as terrible parents and grandparents.

I don't understand why it hasn't sunk in for some people that parenting their own children is an obligation that they took on for their own enjoyment. They decided to have children because they wanted the experience of being a parent. That's great, and it ties you into 18 years of obligations. This goes, of course, for your children and their kids, if they decide to have them. Grandparents have no obligations to their grandchildren. However when you're a member of a cohesive family who helps each other out and shares the load, you will want to help your children raise the next generation of their family. If you're not a member of a cohesive family who helps share the load, you don't get to reap the benefits of that, which would be your children sacrificing their enjoyment of life to help you, which, unlike caring for grandchildren, they are unlikely to find very fun. Each person in a family helps set the culture of that family, and if you as a granparent are detatched and unhelpful with your grandchildren and adult children, you are helping to create a culture of detatchement and disinclination to be helpful in your family that may come back to bite you in the bottom.

It's hilarious that the two subjects guaranteed to get grandparents riled up on MN are suggestions that they should try to be involved with their grandchildren, and people not wanting grandparents to be involved. Almost like they feel they have all the rights of a parent without the barest suggestion of responsibility.

This is what I tried to say but has been put much more eloquently. My own grandmother lived far and was in ill health when I was younger. However while she didn't do any formal childcare she was still the most wonderful grandmother and I couldn't have asked for better and she loved and took great interest in us.

Childcare and having a meaningful relationship with your DGC are 2 completely different things.

There should be no expectation on either side for regular care.

It’s about healthy emotional relationship and creating the bond with people. We create the bond by spending time with nearest and dearest. It’s investing your time and making emotional effort to be there.
If there’s no bond and no emotional connection then in a later years there’s no interest as there’s no healthy family relationship. It’s virtually a stranger.

„You reap what you sow” springs to mind. For some people it can look like tit for tat but if you put very little effort in building a meaningful relationship with your children/grandchildren you shouldn’t be surprised they are not interested in you in later years.

Partly for our family it's practical/geography, but when DC 1 had her first birthday MIL told me "the novelty (of grandchildren) had worn off" as she had 6 GC already.
SIL has always lived very locally to PIL and consequently they were very close to her DC and did lots of childcare and helped out with her DC even when they were in their 20s. Any childcare we had was quite sporadic simply because we were further away.
Although PIL much rather preferred, if they came to us, to do chores in the house or garden whether necessary or not than spend time with DC. And MIL told me she would bath them or take them our in the pushchair "but she didn't do playing"

In older age SIL has done more practically as she is closest (but I do feel that her and PIL have had mutual benefit if that makes sense)

There's some very odd thinking on mumsnet that people shouldn't expect any help from grandparents or have grandparents interested in their grandchildren at all. Even if you can't offer proper babysitting, I find it strange and selfish for some grandparents who are able and willing to not show any interest in their grandchildren at all yet expect help and support back from their children back when they need it. Spending the odd day or time with your grandchildren doesn't stop you enjoying your life.

I work in elderly care and I agree with you OP. Parents bring up childen (or should be) because they depend on us and it shouldn't be done with expectations that childen owe us something in return or should be looking after us when we're older. But you get in what you put in. If my parents didn't show any interest in my children or offer support when they were able to, I don't think I'd be inclined to return the favour when they needed it.

I'm very fortunate though I have my own parents and fantastic in laws who relish in being grandparents and find that spending time with their grandchildren adds to their life than take away from it.

In your case, no OP don’t feel guilty. They didn’t parent you correctly in your childhood, so if it was me I wouldn’t help. And don’t agree with PPs saying just because GPs don’t do any childcare, that isn’t a reason not to care for their parents, OP didn’t mean that, she didn’t necessarily want childcare. She wanted her parents to just acknowledge and love her children, which they haven’t done. They are very selfish in my opinion OP

So really what you expect is some kind of babysitting service? Not genuine care and interest but an actual service? What if you're not close enough for regular babysitting or days out? Then what? Are you supposed to move?

What I'm asking is, whilst I'm young and healthy enough to enjoy life, why shouldn't I? Why is it my responsibility to care for my grandchildren? And if I don't, despite the quality of parenting I might have given my children, the sacrifices made (and they have been many) and the years of putting my needs and wants to one side, why do I not deserve some kind of support when aging and infirmity sets in? Why can I not be selfish and follow my dreams for a few years? Why don't I matter?

Babysitting your grandchildren say, one evening a week, or taking them for a day out on Saturday, does not preclude you from enjoying your life. Normal people enjoy their grandchildren.

Conversely, most people do not enjoy driving their parents to doctor’s appointments, doing their shopping for them, or performing personal care for them. It’s almost like participating in family life has its ups and downs.

Dilysthemilk · Today 23:54
I always smile to think of days out they used to take the children to, now the children are driving my MIL places!

That's so sweet!

My own DM died having met only 2 of her grandchildren - and then they were toddlers/babies but even when she was having treatment for cancer she tried to help me with them! My IL’s were 10 years older and also helped us a lot - now we only have my MIL left in her late 80’s but I’ve definitely seen that the care they gave their grandchildren came back to them. Now the grandchildren are adults they phone her, taught her how to FaceTime, she’s on the family WhatsApp and they go and stay with her. So I do think that what you build as a relationship when they are small, you enjoy later - I always smile to think of days out they used to take the children to, now the children are driving my MIL places!

Why?

I haven't read the full thread but I agree with you, you're not obligated just like they aren't/weren't obligated to spend time with your children. It's bloody horrible though I couldn't imagine my parents not wanting to be involved with my kids.

Can I ask when is it that grandparents get to live their own lives whilst they have the health to be able to do so without incurring the wrath of their children who believe their parents should be doing whatever it is they need them to do to prove they are interested in their lives and those of their grandchildren?

As parents we are obliged to meet our children's needs, they did not ask to be born

Ugh I hate this attitude.

That wasn’t her question though?
her Aibu was about helping with childcare of GC as a trade for elderly care!!

anywaus I shall now read the updates/ drip 😆

I read the OP, I confess I didn’t read the updates..

It's about investment in the family really, imo.

It doesn't have to be childcare. But it seems like the OPs parents aren't invested, they just want help on their terms.

I think there is oligation to some extent even when ageing parents are dicks. But if they haven't been really bothered to maintain a relationship, they should expect that to be reflected in the kind of assistance they receive.

YANBU. They virtually rejected your children. Sod them.

This tit for tat, they raised you so you owe them thing... is bullshit.

They chose to have kids. Raising those kids is therefore their responsibility and duty.

The question is, have they taken an interest in your lives in general, since you became adults.

Have they offered advice and support in whatever way they're capable of - not necessarily providing physical childcare?

If they have basically washed their hands of you since you became an adult, have shown no interest in your adult life and all that entails, not offered a scrap of support in any way...

Then yeah, fuck 'em, too late now to play the needy elderly card.

If they HAVE offered support and advice and interest in every area BUT their DGC... possibly a different matter. Doesn't sound like they have though.

Depends.what do you mean by childcare really. My parents would never do the day to day childcare. However they are very involved grandparents and they still are to my now teenage boys. They took the boys out for days outs and sleepovers took care of them when I was ill and babysat so we could have date nights etc. But they never did the day to day childcare preferring to do the fun stuff rather than be tied down in their retirement. And my 16 year old now chooses to catch the bus to visit them whilst I'm at work. My 18 year old also loves visiting them. And they in turn love having them. Buy I'm not sure how any of this can be linked to caring for them in old age

If you dont want to help - which you clearly dont, just dont!

I think even the OP painted a pretty clear picture though. The title is about childcare, but the OP is about her parents taking zero interest in her children. That alone would be hurtful enough to damage the relationship.