If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

So parents have to do two sets of care in order to get one set in return? Have I got that right?

Same here.

My children are my responsibility (and their father's), nobody else.

I wonder how much childcare provided is factored in to help given to elderly fathers. Is it the same as mothers? I’ve never heard anyone complain about their DF not helping.

My parents retired abroad and weren’t available at all for childcare. So what? They deserved a carefree retirement after a lifetime of hard work and they got it.

It didn’t enter my head to withhold support when they became infirm and vulnerable. To do so would have been beyond calculating and cruel, and they didn’t raise me to be that person.

Of course.

My love for them, and therefore my inclination to help them as far as I can, is not conditional on how much energy they felt willing and able to put into helping me raise my DC, having already raised their own.

Of course it's all related.
Some people are kind and help others (especially family)
Some people are totally self-centred.

My ILs are great too. I wouldn’t have looked after my DM as our direct relationship was poor but her interest in my DCs was irrelevant to that, I don’t see the link.

I just don’t think the two things are related. I’ll help care for my parents when the time comes because they’re my parents, I love them, they raised me. They have very little meaningful relationship with my kids but that won’t stop me from caring for them.

I can’t see how it’s not related. If your parents aren’t interested in your life & your dc then how do you foster a good relationship? How often would you spend time together, catch up?

I think it's weird they didn't even send presents and cards. Not wanting to be regular babysitters is one thing but it's like they didn't even acknowledge your kids existed.

Why on earth do you feel entitled to childcare? The lack of interest I can understand must have been hurtful, and didn't foster any deep bonds between you and them, but 'expecting' them to help with childcare for children you chose to have is unreasonable.

Punishing them by leaving them struggling and unwell is pretty unpleasant. You aren't obliged to help them of course, you're not obliged to help anyone - and it may be that you don't feel you have a close relationship (maybe that's why they didn't send presents?). But if it's to make a point then that's pretty callous.

I see, looking at various grandparent relationships amongst my wider family, in laws, friends and acquaintances etc, some who are so involved and interested and others who just don't seem to give a dam. I must say I do view disinterested grandparents as really quite terrible people. I just cannot understand it. What's wrong with them?

Did you read the OP? What the parents actually says, how have you twisted this to be the husbands fault? The ILs are great!

Totally bizarre.......

I can see how a lack of interest in your children would exacerbate any bad feelings you had towards your parents.

I wouldn't be going out of my way to help in this circumstance. We're they good parents to you? X

You reap what you sow....

Let them get on with their life......

You get on with yours, which doesn't include their care.

In your situation I can understand your reluctance. They moved away, showed little interest in your young family, lived their lives while you lived yours and are now surprised you have little time for them.

It isn't to do with childcare. My parents would have but I moved away and it wasn't easy for them to have that option but they showed constant interest in me and the children. When they visited they were full on grandparents. They visited us frequently all while the children grew up. My mum died last year but my children were as devastated as me because they had such a close bond. I looked after my mum and I look after my dad (cancer diagnosis) because they cared for me and then my children as much as they could through the years.

IME my friends with the most useless husbands have been the most upset about lack of help from their mothers (never fathers) and the useless husband has tended to encourage this feeling to deflect attention from his uselessness.

I'm struggling with this atm.
My mother was not a good mother and is not a good grandmother either.
However, she expects me to run around after her.
It's infuriating.

i agree to the extent that it relates to the dynamic of your own relationship with your parents. If you feel they didn’t care much and their attitude to their grandchildren further illustrates that then it’s part of the whole familial dynamic and of course you can say “fuck that” if that’s that case.

They’re not related except to the extent a lack of interest in grandchildren might display general selfishness, lack of care or concern for a child etc which might have already impacted the relationship.

I never wanted my parents to spend time with dd as they’re not nice people (awful racist, xenophobic, views, bigoted in just about every way, no empathy for the less fortunate etc) and weren’t loving, caring parents.

I pretty much left home at 18 and was financially independent at 20. I’ve no intention of looking after them and don’t really keep in touch. They’re financially secure so can pay for their own care.

I’d feel the same as you. Being there for each other in times of need is reciprocal.

My parents would absolutely not want me to put my life on hold to care for them, just as they didn’t directly care for my grandparents.

Mother in law, however, paused (ruined) her life from age 59-76 to care full time for her mother, and has since been too old and exhausted to do anything nice for herself. Nope, not happening here, sorry.

Also - how old are your dc op and how old are you?
Mine are teenagers now and I am 50 and I'm pretty knackered tbh, no where near the energy and vigour I had for childcare when I was a sprightly 40 yr old only a few (the easy first 12 years) in to child care.
Maybe they're already there, or maybe see what tune you sing once you e raised your dc to adulthood first.

Huh? They've raised you. You want a 2:1 care ratio with them?

This is what you're meant to do. Look after your children.

As for caring for elderly parents I do think how they treat you as an adult and their grandchildren plays a huge part in how much you do.

You can’t give any physical support anyway if they live in another country

You reap what you sow with your kids. With an overall attitude like that, I'd be telling them to sling their hook as well.

There will be someone who'll come along telling you to be grateful you have your parents like, because theirs died. You can ignore the emotional blackmail.