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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I have a right to be annoyed?

157 replies

somewhatmiffed · 24/07/2024 15:49

Two sisters
Anne - 55 years old, single, owns a house with 120k outright, works 30 hours a week,
Sue- 42 years old married with 3 kids, two are now adults one is a child and severely disabled. Have a mortgaged house £150k. Works very part time due to youngest needs.

When their mum died she left her share in the the house to their dad and bequeathed money to Anne and sue (50k each ) and each the grand kids (20k each) The adult twins got their money direct, the younger child's money went in a account for him. The twins were 18 at the time so they bought driving lessons/cars and did a gap year travelling plus some designer hoodies.

Dad has a mirror will so when he dies his children get 50k each, grand kids 20k each. The house has been left to Anne and Sue and any remaining funds will also go to them.

Anne has at times expressed annoyance at this seeing it as Sue getting 60k more. She feels it should be split 50/50 and then Sue give from her share.

Recently dad mentioned changing his will so it's split 50:50 to Sue and Anne. He asked Sue what she thought, she said it's his money , his choice but the twins would probably be upset as they have been previously told about the inheritance (by their grandmother)

Sue knows that Anne has been saying something as it's not something dad would just think of.

Also to mention Anne lives other side of country and visits 3 times a year. (Although does ring weekly) Sue cares for her dad - shopping/paying bills etc. visits a couple times a week, grandchildren probably see him around once a month.

Is Sue right to be annoyed for the Will is changed?

OP posts:
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Katkins17 · 26/07/2024 11:09

His money...so totally his choice to do either what he wants with it.

I absolutely hate this fighting over a 'still living' parent's money...even before they're cold in their grave.

It's sick, entitled and putting the money before your parent.

My mum is in her 80's, not in good health, and says constantly words to the effect 'all this will be yours...'
I don't care....I'd rather she spent it now, makes her life more comfortable for herself and enjoys it.

Mmhmmn · 26/07/2024 10:48

Tessabelle74 · 24/07/2024 16:42

If you were my kids I'd be off on a booze filled world cruise until I died at sea

This is what I’m going to aspire to. Sod care homes and inheritance squabbles. Bring on the cocktails, cabin service and fine dining.

Don't let money corrupt your family life. It’s your dad’s decision to do what he thinks is best, whether you agree or not. You don’t want to set a poor example to your children that families fall out over money - rise above it and hopefully Anne is happy with her slightly enhanced share. Whether you’re ‘right’ to be pissed off doesn’t matter - you just are and best to accept that and move on.

somewhatmiffed · 26/07/2024 10:24

MargaretThursday · 26/07/2024 09:13

As your concern is only that your DC may feel bad, the obvious answer is for you to ask your dad to take the children's share out of yours.

You are then only £30k down out of what you expected, which is the same amount down you think Anne's being mean/grasping about.

That's brilliant you're right they don't need to know. Dad could either keep them in the Will but reduce my amount or I could just give them the money Thank you so much 😊

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 26/07/2024 09:13

As your concern is only that your DC may feel bad, the obvious answer is for you to ask your dad to take the children's share out of yours.

You are then only £30k down out of what you expected, which is the same amount down you think Anne's being mean/grasping about.

somewhatmiffed · 26/07/2024 08:17

A mix of responses some agree with me some not. Many find the discussion distasteful (I agree)

I don't think I've done anything wrong I've never raised the subject. Mum and dad told us when they did their wills. When Anne raised it with me (a few times over years ) I changed the subject as I strongly feel it's not our decision. The reason I think Anne has i fluenced dad is aside from him not really being proactive with stuff like that he has told me in the past she has spoken to him about it.

I think it's more the her trying to manage the situation to better herself that bothers me. Some people mentioned Anne's retirement as a factor and I agree that may be the case. She hasn't worked much over the past 15 years or so. Preferring to live off her rental income and do volunteering. So I'm guessing her pension is pretty poor. That may be a factor for her. She does have her house which she owns out right but she may want to live in that or buy a different property.

I do feel dad shouldn't have told the kids he was giving them it if he felt he didn't want them to have it. It's not nice to say I'm going to gift this to you and then change your mind. I suspect it will leave the older two feeling a bit rejected. I just wish they hadn't said anything in the first place.

But as I said dad's choice and I will respect it. Thanks for all the responses.

OP posts:
Leanmeansmitingmachine · 26/07/2024 07:24

I’m confused with all the ages and situations here.

Jengnr · 26/07/2024 03:29

BettyBardMacDonald · 25/07/2024 21:08

Not per family/household, which is the point.

Any monies left to Sue's children fundamentally benefit Sue.

Sue’s children are people in their own right, not extensions of Sue.

Them being treated as such doesn’t ‘fundamentally benefit’ anybody but them.

Anne and Sue get the same. Other people who mean something to their parents also get something.

GabriellaMontez · 25/07/2024 23:04

YellowAsteroid · 25/07/2024 20:32

You really resent and dislike your sister, don’t you @somewhatmiffed ?

Your DC spent their inheritance on designer hoodies and gap years, yet you call your sister mean.

They spent it on driving lessons and cars.

But what's that got to do with it?

Didimum · 25/07/2024 23:03

This is an awful lot of money to be fucked off about. Be grateful, enjoy your remaining parent’s last years and stop squabbling over your enormous luck.

Hankunamatata · 25/07/2024 22:54

I'm sorry your life is tough caring for your disabled child.
I have to say just because you chose to have children doesn't entitle you and your children to more of your parents estate.

Now if you had mentioned that you cared for ill mother and now for your father in your op plus dsis moved away that probably put a slightly different light on things

S1lverCandle · 25/07/2024 22:47

Your DC spent their inheritance on designer hoodies and gap years, yet you call your sister mean
What's the connection? Why is there an issue with how it was spent?

HateMyselfToo · 25/07/2024 22:39

YellowAsteroid · 25/07/2024 20:32

You really resent and dislike your sister, don’t you @somewhatmiffed ?

Your DC spent their inheritance on designer hoodies and gap years, yet you call your sister mean.

Yes, it's really coming across that she resents her sister and this is just another thing to dislike her for.

I really hope the dad spends all the money on himself, on top notch care, cleaners, gardeners and living a good life. They can fight over who gets the good china once he's actually dead.

AzureAnt · 25/07/2024 21:33

Sue isn't getting 60k more. She is getting the same as Ann. The rest goes to the grandchildren

S1lverCandle · 25/07/2024 21:27

BettyBardMacDonald · 25/07/2024 21:09

And you have the choice to work part-time because your household has two incomes.

And Anne can spend all her money on herself because she doesn't have children. It's irrelevant.
We all make different choices.

S1lverCandle · 25/07/2024 21:25

somewhatmiffed · 25/07/2024 21:02

@S1lverCandle you are right sorry I mistyped that.

I thought it was a typo, just explaining why there was confusion.

S1lverCandle · 25/07/2024 21:24

BettyBardMacDonald · 25/07/2024 21:08

Not per family/household, which is the point.

Any monies left to Sue's children fundamentally benefit Sue.

Even though the "children" are almost 30 and have their own households?

AnOldCynic · 25/07/2024 21:18

Ann and Sue both benefit equally from the will as it stands. End of. The fact Ann has no children is not relevant.

BettyBardMacDonald · 25/07/2024 21:09

somewhatmiffed · 25/07/2024 20:29

The year after she moved our mother became seriously ill she never offered to come back to help. I cared for our grandfather, my mother and now my father whilst navigating raising a disabled child. When my mother was seriously ill and grandfather was dying I had to give up work . I work part time now so I can look after my son and my dad.

And you have the choice to work part-time because your household has two incomes.

BettyBardMacDonald · 25/07/2024 21:08

Jengnr · 25/07/2024 20:24

They ARE getting equal amounts.

Not per family/household, which is the point.

Any monies left to Sue's children fundamentally benefit Sue.

somewhatmiffed · 25/07/2024 21:02

@S1lverCandle you are right sorry I mistyped that.

OP posts:
S1lverCandle · 25/07/2024 21:01

somewhatmiffed · 25/07/2024 20:59

No im 47 ?? I said nearly 30 but they are actually 27.

You claimed to be 42 in your op.

somewhatmiffed · 25/07/2024 21:00

YellowAsteroid · 25/07/2024 20:32

You really resent and dislike your sister, don’t you @somewhatmiffed ?

Your DC spent their inheritance on designer hoodies and gap years, yet you call your sister mean.

I don't dislike my sister

OP posts:
somewhatmiffed · 25/07/2024 20:59

ToofHurty · 25/07/2024 20:36

You’re 42 and your kids are nearly 30?

No im 47 ?? I said nearly 30 but they are actually 27.

OP posts:
Papyrophile · 25/07/2024 20:37

My late paternal grand parents have been dead almost 20 years, but because their two children had very different family outcomes, they planned for the grandchildren too. They split their estate between a son and a daughter equally, but because their son had divorced the mother of his first two children to remarry and have two more, the son's half of their estate was divided into shares so the son got whatever % and all his children participated equally. It wasn't huge money. My share was £3,500. I bought a picture to remember them, and spent the rest on that year's family holiday. Their daughter inherited half, and as she has only one child, that child will get more in due course.

ToofHurty · 25/07/2024 20:36

You’re 42 and your kids are nearly 30?