Brother dealing with DV case at work

Your brother needs to accept that you can't help people like this and it will just bring him down.

Been there, got the t-shirt...

I tried helping a male friend whose wife had psychotic episodes and would attack him, threaten to drive the car into an oncoming car when they were in it etc..., but the more I got to know him, the more I discovered what a narcissist he was, and was clearly not a nice person himself to the point where I felt it likely that he was the cause of his wife's psychotic episodes! The day he said "if you were my friend you'd do this" was the day I walked away and never spoke to him again.

This person needs professional help. There is nothing your brother can do.

She's picked your brother as the recipient of these messages because to some degree, as her manager, he does have a role in her life. She's massively overstepping and asking too much of this role, making him listen to her rows, but she clearly has trouble identifying and enforcing normal relationship boundaries. It's on him to put a stop to this. He needs to block her number and let her carry on with the cycle unfortunately. Until a tipping point is reached where she feels she can no longer carry on with it, it will sadly carry on.

I was going to say this. He is risking his own physical safety as well as his own well being, mental health and marriage.

It may not be entirely her own fault but she is volatile, she may at some point use dB in her arguments with her partner and make him a target, SHE may start targeting him, the partner might see their texting and assume they are having an affair and risk both dB and her to partners anger.

If dB can't control himself enough to distance himself I would seriously consider encouraging him to change jobs just to get away from her. His wife must be baffled/infuriated/afraid for him.

Quite. It sounds as if it comes from the best of motives but he’s unwittingly fuelling the psychodrama, he is providing her with a crutch and an audience.

He is prolonging the situation for her because it’s delaying the process of extrication from the marriage but he’s also putting himself at risk of damage and even physical harm: what if the husband gets the wrong end of the stick about the relationship and targets your brother?

Needless to say it’s also very unfair on your brother’s wife and I assume there is only so much of this she will tolerate.

He’s given her plenty of support and attention: it’s high time he stepped back.

I think the brother has contacted the police and specialist officer, ideally he shouldn't divulge confidential info but maybe he also needs help, support and someone to offload too, this is affecting his own relationship and wellbeing too. HR , his line manager and occupational health if there is one need to get involved.

That's a good idea, and worth him checking out.

Those of us supporting others in the way that the brother is, also need to unload. When I was supporting someone in a not dissimilar situation, it very much affected my own mental health. And because I worried about keeping their confidence, I didn't share with people, and that made it all the more damaging for me.

OP 's brother isn't gossiping. He's sharing the load with someone who doesn't know this person, and asking for advice. And he's doing the right thing. You can't help someone else by damaging your own mental health.

I think the comments here are getting too caught up in ‘you can’t say she winds him up, you don’t understand DV!’

The point of the post is OP’s brother, who clearly needs to take a step back. There’s only so much you can do for a colleague and he has done enough. His next step needs to be speaking to management to make them aware of the issue, speaking to police if warranted, and either blocking her so she can’t reach him in the evenings or just telling her he cannot provide ongoing support any more. He can give her links to resources and work counselling services if available.

I understand that everyone here feels for the victim but she’s a work colleague and this man has tried to help numerous times. It cannot just take up his free time indefinitely, to the detriment of his own family. That’s not reasonable.

OP, does he have access to a counselling service via work?. It may help him to talk through the issue and the impact its having on HIM, and help him create effective boundaries and a pathway to extricate himself.

The level of ignorance you’re showing is appalling. How do you even know these details? There’s no kindness or loveliness in someone offering entirely useless uninformed help then gossiping about it to their sister.

I've been that person who thought they could help, and ended up involved to the point that my family were losing out. I couldn't see it for a long time, and I felt I couldn't walk away because I was needed and there was no-one else helping this person. I now look back and wonder why I was so stupid.

So yes, good luck getting through to your brother. It's so easy to become blinkered, especially if you think the persons life could be in danger.

I ended up calling a support line for friends and family of those with my friend's issue. It really did help to be told that they were not my responsibility, that they were choosing their route through life, and if the worst did happen when I stood back, it would still have been their choice, and not down to me.

You’re not unreasonable for not wanting your brother to deal with it. But you’re unreasonable for this ‘Argues and ‘winds up’ her partner knowing how things will end’. And saying she makes up excuses to not leave her abusive partner. You have absolutely no idea what it’s like being in an abusive relationship. Did you hear from her abuser or others that she winds up her partner? Because my abusive ex told everyone that the reason he would act that way towards me because I ‘created it’ and ‘started on him’. Sorry, but if she’s defending herself also, that’s not ‘winding up’ her partner - you evil evil person. Also, of course victims give reasons to stay with their abuser. I tried to leave many many times, yet my abuser had warped my mind to believe I would be nothing without him, or he would threaten me everytime I left, or the entire ‘it won’t happen again’. I’m so sick of people who have never been in domestically abusive relationships blaming the victim for not leaving, or that it’s their fault that they’re being abused.

It is possible that on some level, she's trying to tee him up as the replacement as well as the rescuer - especially if she believes that nobody else would have her/she can't leave her OH/he won't let her leave, as she could think that she needs to have another man in situ to change things for her and defend against the abuser.

For that reason alone, he needs to fully disengage, not least because her partner could direct his rage at your brother.

He is the rescuer in the Karpman triangle.

lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/

Good advice

OP, "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is an excellent book explaining domestic abuse

And it's important to know that one of the most dangerous times for a woman in a DV relationship is when she leaves

Him being so involved is also putting him at risk of harm if the abuser knows the wife is constantly looking to your dB for help and support,

He needs to read about the drama triangle and remove himself from role of rescuer. He's not helping her. She's having her needs met by her partner and your brother and has no intention of changing the situation.

It's clear from your use of language you are also struggling to understand the nuances of DV. Nobody "winds someone up" because they enjoy the reaction, she is likely if goading him wants to get a beating out the way. Nothing worse than waiting for a beating. Sadly, I know all to well.

A big concern here is actually your brother wanting to rescue her, with a rescuer complex. He's giving her as much time as he is because he can't bare feeling useless. This could ruin his relationship. It sounds like he may have strong feelings about this woman, which may or may not be romantic but some men love a damsel in distress.
She obviously needs to leave, the fact so many women die weekly will be playing on your brothers mind and if she is murdered or injured severely, he will never forgive himself for not involving the police.
He needs to inform his manager and they need to call the police.
He can't make her leave and unless she has DC nobody can twist her hand to make her, if she did SS potentially could.
It's so devastating, your whole life just entrenched in domestic abuse and violence like this poor woman has experienced.
She needs more help than one person can give.

Like others have said he needs boundaries. He speaks to hr and set up a meeting with her, she is not to contact him on his personal phone and hr can signpost her to dv help.

It’s not helpful how you make judgments about how she chooses to deal with the abuse - it’s common that when someone knows that the abuse is going to occur they may do something that looks like it will trigger it as at least then it’s happened and she’s not sitting there in anticipation and fear all night waiting to see what does set him off.

However completely agree that this is not for yoir brother to be involved in; he’s become a part of this whole cycle and he needs to step back and ask other people to help. However like her making the choice to leave it needs to come from him to decide to step back

On some level, your brother enjoys playing her knight in shining armour.

If I was his wife, I'd give him an ultimatum that he either blocks the colleague's phone or he leaves.

There is a couple of sayings called "drop the rope" and "grey rock". He needs to tell the woman he has done all he can, and he cannot help anymore. Link her to Refuge and Women's Aid, and then he needs to keep repeating it over and over and over. Same with a phone call - "do you want me to call the police for you? No? Then I cannot help, please contact Refuge and Womens Aid. (End call)". It will seem horrible to do but he has to do it. For him AND for her.

The woman sits and goads her partner, not that DV is in any way OK, but she literally winds him up to get a reaction,
Don't. Unless you know and understand DA nuances don't say stuff like this. My stbx never hurts me physically but I can tell by body language, tone, choice of word or even a look to know I'm going to get it later with the verbal onslaught. You wouldn't have a clue as he would be all smiley and chatty with you or others but I would know thats just a facade. Sometimes what the woman does is to bring her guarenteed punishment earlier so she gets it over with. That should show you how badly she is locked into this abusive relationship that she doesn't consider her choice is stay or leave but whether her punishment should be 4pm or 10pm. Horrifying.