Please help, my partner is frightening

You owe it to your children to look after yourself. They need you. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, what you are doing isn't helping him is it?

The only person responsible for helping him... is him.

If he can't behave appropriately around you - and he is showing you not only that he cannot but that he doesn't really want to bother, doesn't care - then he needs to fuck off.

Boot him out. Do it ASAP and do not weaken and let him back in.

Your oldest child is of an age, just about, to remember witnessing or hearing his behaviour. You need to do this for them, even if you don't think you should do it for you.

He's the one betraying you - not you him if you make sure you and your poor kids are safe from him.

You are right, his behaviour is escalating and that’s why you need to ring the police every time something like that happens.

You may not care if he hurts you or threatens you, but next it will be the kids and you won’t be able to protect them.

Do you have any support close by in real life?

You need to tell someone in real life and ask if you can contact them if he starts losing his temper.

You seem to care more about him having nowhere to go than your kids living in an abusive home.

If you don’t want to end your relationship then perhaps ask for your kids to go into care because right now they do not have a good home.

If he is capable of running away from being sectioned, then he can cope if you throw him out.

He has weaponised his mental health to trap you.

Please leave this awful situation, for you and your kids.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. There's a few things that jump out at me - that he's deliberately hurting you emotionally, that you are scared of him and increasingly so, and how unhappy and also physically unwell you are becoming. If you're unable to do this for yourself, think about your children and what will happen if you stay - the violence is escalating, and you will become more miserable, stressed and unwell which will affect your little ones, as well as your children seeing this dynamic and thinking this is how relationships are meant to be.

His MH conditions are ones with insight - he knows if he is well or not and he knows how his behaviours are affecting you. He could chose to seek more help through various sources but he's not. He has to take that step, you can't do it for him, and he's chosing not to.

Instead he's terrorising you (I don't use the term terrorise lightly). That's not fair and as others have said is abusive. You are not letting him down by ending the relationship, you are putting you and your children first. If you end things, it is him who has made himself homeless because of how he's acted not you.

As others have said please contact someone like women's aid for advice and support. I wish you all the best.

OP if social services consider that he is dangerous and you stay with him they might decide your kids need to be under protective services. You risk loosing them if you stay and you or they get hurt. You need to put them first.

Impulsive and reckless behaviour, unstable relationships are all found frequently in people with BPD. And yes, some people with BPD are verbally abusive. OP - doesn't he have a mental health team around him? If not, he should have and you should contact them or Adult Social Care if he has no Mental Health Co-ordinator. Even whilst doing that, you would still be well advised to get yourself and your children out of the house. Call it temporary if it comforts you, but get out and then make those calls. You are right that he is unwell. He is too unwell for someone who has no clinical expertise in mental ill health to have to manage him. Take care of yourself and your kids. That's your priority. I hope you soon see better days.

Fuck helping him.

Help your children (and you) to live in a safe and abuse-free home by kicking him out.

He can't blame his diagnoses for his behaviour. There are plenty of people with the same conditions who don't behave in that way.

All of this, @Heartsandflora . You absolutely must prioritize your children and yourself.

Do talk to Women's Aid and the police's DV unit. You are being abused and you are at serious risk. Please do this now - don't delay.

If you feel hesitant or doubtful, have a look at Ludy Bancroft's book: Why Does He Do That. It's available as a free pdf online.

Living with him is actually making you ill. Is there a reason why his wellbeing is more important than yours? Or your DC's?

I’m going to be blunt: you need to get yourself and your kids away from him pronto or you are at risk of violence to yourself or your children or having your children removed. Call the police or Women’s Aid as soon as it’s safe to do so. Make a plan, and get the fuck out.

Stop worrying about him and his “needs”. His family have clearly washed their hands of him for a reason. He doesn’t matter. You and your children do.

And, in all kindness, your boundaries are all over the place if you can’t immediately see how dangerous and wrong this behaviour is. Once you have got away from him you need to stay away from men. Ideally forever.

Leave, I wouldn’t kick him out - I don’t think it would end well

He will honestly be homeless if I ask him to leave and I just can't do that to him

You may think differently if he physically assaults you...

You need to leave him now. My DH had BPD and various other psychiatric issues, and would never ever treat me this way. Please know you will feel a weight lifted off you to be without him any more.

You know you don't need a reason to leave. He could be the nicest persona in the world and you could still go because it's not working for you.

OP he sounds horribly abusive. Please use resources available on Women's Aid and make a safety plan.

You need to stop thinking of him and start thinking of your children and the effect he will have on them. Kick him out for goodness sake.

"He's extremely unwell" no he's abusive. This is his problem and issues not yours. Not for you to take on or fix him. Because you cannot change him, trust me. This is deeply engrained in him. Even his own family won't deal with him.

This abuse will escalate. Its the same script for all abusive relationships unfortunately. Been there, got out thankfully. I then learnt alot about the dynamics of abusive relationships. It's a cycle and it gets worse over time. That hole in the wall will soon be your head, trust me.

Don't feel sorry for him being homeless. Again his problem for being awful. And he's knows he is being this way.

Please leave. Even just call woman's aid to speak to someone about it. It's a first step. Don't tell him you're doing this though because it could escalate his behaviour

I think you know what you have to do, you need to gather that courage up. Kick him out. Do you really want your children around such a man- as they grow they will notice it, you can’t be a good mum if you become ill yourself. Put your children first not him. You are putting him first at the moment, time to get tough for the greater good

You can't get someone sectioned because they're treating you like shit, that's not how it works. Why do you think it's your job to save him OP? Why do you think you can change another person if they don't want to change? The only person you can change is yourself. You're damaging your children by staying - why are you allowing that? Children shouldn't be growing up in a house with holes in the walls where their dad punched them.

Maybe because your last relationship was physically abusive the abuse here doesn't seem so bad? Why have you always been tolerant of his 'behaviours'? Why didn't you see them as huge red flags and run as fast as you could in the other direction? Have you done the freedom programme?

Do you have any family that can support you? Either in kicking him out or to go and stay with? The violence is escalating now OP, you know that. You need to get yourself and the kids to safety, if you don't have family then ring Women's Aid.

No diagnosis gives you carte blanche to abuse your partner, his conditions are irrelevant.

You're in yet another extremely abusive relationship! Why can't you see this?!
Stop making excuses for him and protect your poor children and yourself from systematic domestic abuse.

Op you be no good to your children dead. Please make your exit plan from this abusive man before it's too late....listen to the advice here. You deserve so much more!

Having a disability doesn't give you a pass for abusive behaviour.

Get out before he damages your children any further.

This! Stop making excuses for him. ADHD etc doesn't make you an arsehole.

It's very common to go from one abusive relationship to the next because your boundaries are scewed and you're vulnerable.

I would get support from your local domestic abuse organisation and start preparing to leave. You need to do that as safely as possible because abuse tends to ramp up when the relationship ends.

It's not acceptable to call you names, to throw things, to threaten to lay you out or to punch walls. He's also manipulating you by threatening suicide and blaming his diagnosis.

If you're concerned about his safety then call NHS Direct option 2 for advice. They can guide you on how best to handle him. If he becomes violent towards you then, dial 999 and call the police.

For practical things like getting stuff from the shops, try a delivery company.

Gingerbread are a very good organisation for practical matters. I would also see if there's an organisation that can support you regarding your child's SEN. Turn2us can give you advice on benefits etc

If he refuses to leave the property then call the police to remove him. If he becomes aggressive then you may be able to apply for an occupancy order to keep him away from the house. The domestic abuse organisation should be able to advise on that and other options.