Please help, my partner is frightening

Why will he be "homeless"? If he's paying rent at your place he can go and pay it somewhere else. And people like him always find some other sucker to put up with their nonsense.

Whatever your kids are seeing is where they are getting their ideas on what relationships are and how men / women behave (and what women should be expected to put up with). The older one's already going to remember at least some of it. Is this what you want for them.

Op, you have to leave, this will only get worse. Make a safe plan first, look it up on the internet. He is abusing you and therefore also the children.

He isn't unwell. He's just a first class prick. Please contact Woman's Aid and get the support and help you need to get out.

He's a violent abusive faithless fuck and if he DID top himself the world would be a better place frankly.

Get your children away from the bastard.

He makes you feel unsafe.
He is not parenting
He is threatening to kill himself and blaming you.
He has cheated (looking is as bad as physical for me!)

Non me of this behaviour is acceptable.
None of this behaviour is your fault.
None of this behaviour is due to his adhd/autism.

And you are putting this 'man' above your children. For the sake of your children get out. Would you be happy if your child was in a relationship like this? No, you wouldn't. Get out and get out quick as his behaviour is escalating. When you leave he will lose control and his behaviour will escalate, do not give in, do not go back to him.

You deserve better.

Contact women's aid now, in secret. They will support you. Do it today.

You wrote this post knowing deep down that it isn't right. He doesn't care about you or the kids, he is prioritising himself. Now remeber that, he is not your problem, you can't solve his problems. He is an adult that needs to do that himself.

Get out now. Call the police. Report him. Get him removed from the property, put yourself and your kids first. You can do this. You will realise that you are doing the majority on your own anyway and the relief of not walking on eggshells every minute of the day is immense and and so worth it

OP, you living in fear and misery, being ill, and having your children party to this is not worse than him being homeless.

You cannot help him, apart from anything else his behaviour is robbing you of every faculty you would need to help anyone… your health, your mental health, your confidence and your self esteem.

The people you CAN help, and need to help, are your children and yourself.

However, I think you need professional support, and it might be best for you to get help to remove yourself to a safe place.

Is there anyone in your family you can rely on? Any local services for supporting women living with abuse? Do you have any savings?

I might be wrong but to me it does not sound like he is acutely mentally unwell and at risk of completing suicide meaning that he would be sectionable.
It sounds like he is neurodivergent and has mental health difficulties and is projecting his stress and frustration onto you. This may be linked to sensory sensitivities but that does not make it okay. He is stressed and he is not owning it as his stress, he is blaming you for it (e.g. by swearing at you). He is not able to regulate his emotions and manage his stress and frustration and he is acting this out by hitting walls - and again not owning it and taking responsibility to learn to manage his emotions.
I’m afraid that this is going to carry on and most likely get worse. This behaviour is terrifying you and it is going to be terrifying your children. Their current experience will be of a father who is frightening and unpredictable and a mother who is crumbling.
I can imagine that it is really frightening for you to think of leaving him and having to bring up your two kids alone. If you stay with him, you will be failing to protect them and this abuse will stay with them for a lifetime.
You need to contact a domestic abuse charity and get some support about how you are going to get yourself and your children into a safer situation.
The fact that you’ve written this post is a sign that you know this already. It’s going to be really hard over the next few months and even years. But if you stay in this situation, you will really be setting you and your kids up for a lifetime of fear and their own serious mental health difficulties.

You are putting him before your children, OP.

None of his diagnoses excuse his behaviour. He's just being a bastard.

Get yourself & your kids out, asap.

OP it sounds like you don’t love him or want him around, and he’s bad for your children and not very helpful either. It sounds like you’re having difficulty leaving because you feel sorry for him or have been impacted by previous trauma in a way which makes it difficult to leave. I’m sorry you’re in this awful position and suggest you speak to a domestic abuse charity about the process for getting him out. Given his tendency to be rude and aggressive, I suggest you have a plan in place before leaving as he’s unpredictable and you don’t know how he might react. Your feelings are completely valid and your inclination to want him out is the right one. Trust yourself.

You're terrified in your own home.
Your hair is falling out.
Your house has holes punched in the walls.
Your children are being exposed to verbal abuse and highly threatening behaviour.

You need to leave or have him removed from the house.

Take photos of all the damage he's caused. Contact the police and report him for domestic abuse and then decide on the best way forward - e.g. get emergency housing for you and the kids.

Whatever you do, you need to act immediately and end this insanity.

Forget this perception that you have of “betraying him” by leaving him.

You are betraying your own children by staying with him, only to be subjected to his abuse.

Even if he doesn’t abuse them directly, your children watching or hearing him abuse you will scar them for life.

They might even grow up thinking that this is normal behaviour so that they then repeat the abuse cycle with their spouse and your grandchildren.

Wishing you lots of strength to leave this situation.

Hi OP you can’t change him or “make him the way he was”.

He is abusive and has worn you down to the point you think there is no escape. His personality disorders, and other issues are an excuse not a reason for his behaviours. You need to formulate a plan, get help to leave safely, for your kids if not just yourself. Do you honestly think your SEN child can be thriving in this atmosphere? No.
Perhaps they are so clingy to you because of what they are picking up on. Please go. He is not your problem, your kids and your own well being are. Good luck.

You also CAN NOT forgive him for messaging anyone, much less your sister on a dating platform. Do you not see - men like this always line up a new woman because they know they need looking after. And they hold off on calling them cunts until they think they’ve got her trapped. They prey on kind, empathic women.

it is not your job to sacrifice your mental and physical health for this person. You must start thinking of and caring for yourself and not of him - he will make sure he’s sorted after you end your terrible relationship. I guarantee it.

It's really important that you don't do anything different for now. If you are planning to leave you need a safety plan and help to get out. Anything that alerts him can put you and your DC in danger. Please talk to your GP, Women's Aid and the Police. Women's Aid can help you with counselling during and after. You have made the first step in admitting to yourself it is abuse. Hopefully the support in this thread will help you to see that getting out is your only option. Stay safe

You can't help him and you can't change him, he is abusive and is not seeking help. It is not your responsibility to be his punch bag, (verbal for now but it's escalating). You need to escape for the sake of your children.

He is no longer your partner but someone you have to escape, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM. He is harming your mental health but you are not allowed to feel, that is worse.

I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this, you and your children deserve to live in calm safety in a loving kind environment. Please contact Womens aid and well done for reaching out it is so incredibly brave to take those first steps. Xx

@Heartsandflora you should be asking how can I help myself and my children . Not how can you help him .

Honestly I’d separate finances and bank accounts . Do nothing know for him sleep separately if you can.

Take care me of your wee ones a walk and call women’s aid to help with getting re homed .

if you left when won’t be homeless.
or
if you what hon gone women’s aid can help
you arrange this too with support and guidance .

He is making you ill, OP. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your children because they are helpless and need you to be safe and to protect them.

Your partner has given you more than enough reasons to leave him. You are not his emotional punchbag.

You need to get help to leave him. This is urgent for so many reasons including that your children are witnessing and learning terrible lessons of how to be in a relationship and they will end up visiting the same on their future partners.

You've done everything you can and this arsehole isn’t going to change and doesn’t deserve you. I don’t care what diagnoses he has - he is choosing to treat you this way and is choosing to do nothing to help himself.

Please contact Womens Aid for help. Do you have anyone in real life you can also confide in?

You should call 101 now and tell them about the abuse and holes in walls and also that you have kids.

Ask about getting their help to leave and ask what you should do in an emergency.

Sorry OP sounds tough but you must leave asap.

This.

it’s not your fault if he ends up homeless. Should have thought about that before becoming violent and abusive. You either get rid of him or risk losing your children in the long run.

and to top it off he used the word minge 🤢

This. You two are adults and are choosing this. Your children have no choice but to be part of this abusive shit show. I'm sorry, but your sympathy and indulgence in your husband's abuse is being put above the welfare of your children

They should be your priority

Why can't you put him out into the street? He's done nothing to earn your care and concern and he is dangerous. Get some help to leave this relationship from your local domestic abuse hotline. The next step is he is going to hit you. Punching the walls is what they do to test the waters before moving on to punching you. If they get away with it, they up the ante. You are not safe. Please take this seriously and stop worrying about what will become of him. Your children should be your first concern, not him. You must not bring kids up in an abusive home.

Your children are going to suffer the consequences of your inaction. The abuse they are witnessing day in and day out is going to ruin their childhood and their lives. They will grow up having no idea what a healthy relationship looks like, and they will just repeat the cycle they grew up with.

You have a responsibility to protect your children from this. You can't make any excuses as to why you won't kick him out, and where he goes isn't your problem. He simply has to go.

OP it is time to prioritise your children over this man. Staying with him is subjecting them to abuse which will negatively affect them all their lives.

He is abusive, what happens to him after you leave is not your problem. He is abusive on top of his mental health problems, they do not explain or excuse his behaviour.

Call women’s aid, or your local domestic abuse charity, they will help you to make a plan of how to leave safely.

OP, as everyone has said, you need professional help to make sure you and your children are safe, if you know of a local organisation contact them or call womens aid
legally speaking you can get a civil order preventing him from going near you or the children and you can also prevent him accessing your property, but you need advice on this
he's an adult and responsible for his own welfare, just as you are responsible for yours and your children's
if there's any chance at all he can discover your activities online, ask for this thread to be removed and use someone else's device in future

best of luck