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To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

393 replies

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 19:45

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

OP posts:
ClaudineMallory · 24/07/2024 09:49

If you don't do your child's washing, believe me it gets noted by others. I think it's your responsibility to keep them clean, fed and watered, but their attitude would impact other things which are more of a privilege.

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/07/2024 09:39

Dad gives them an allowance, that’s enough. If they want more from you they earn it by cleaning up after themselves and doing certain jobs (emptying bins, loading dishwasher, sorting laundry, etc.). Do you have a dog? They walk that during the holidays too. Any backchat, money deducted.

hookiewookie29 · 24/07/2024 09:37

Toughen up. Or it's going to get worse. I have issues with my daughter, but I laid down some rules and I stick to them. I don't do her washing, she's not allowed food in her bedroom and once she's spent her wages then that's it- she gets none from me. And if she gets gobby then all I have to say is " Who the hell do you think you're talking to?" And anything she leaves lying around-even after being asked several times to move it- ends up being scooped up and dumped on her bed.
Stop cooking for them- let them buy their own if they think they can afford it.
Can you send them to their Dad's for a bit? Sounds like you need a break!

theworldsmad · 24/07/2024 09:35

Thing is they treat you bad anyway, can't be much worse when you take money and privileges away .

ClaudineMallory · 24/07/2024 09:34

I see they're 14 and 15. Still children who need care and supervision.
How long have you been a single parent?

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/07/2024 09:33

Time to focus on YOU now op!

focus on your interests, hobbies, bottomless brunches with your pals whatever you want. The world is your oyster!!

charlieinthehaystack · 24/07/2024 09:26

go away for a few days n leave them to it! before you do take the router with you that will wake them up!
even if you dont go away carry on with your days out but still take router! if you can bear it leave their mess ie breakfast dishes on the side keep a plate etc for yourself but leave all their things clothes unwashed crockery unwashed then they will soon be thinking of what to do when they run out simple do it yourself

blobby10 · 24/07/2024 09:15

50 years ago my brother refused to clean up his bedroom (think he was about 15) so my mum got some black bin bags, piled everything into them and chucked it all away. He had a lovely tidy room after that!

She would also throw our shoes outside if they were in the way and tough luck if it rained! Anything left on the floor/in the way would go into one big pile which was dumped once a week. it didn't take long for us to fall into line but heavens above we moaned like billy-o about it!

CeruleanDive · 24/07/2024 09:11

Truetoself · 24/07/2024 08:41

Thing is you can't give up. You are a parent and parenting is hard. Have a break and find your inner strength to continue to be consistent. When your DS friends start commenting on how he smells, he will start wanting his clothes ro be washed. Wash their clothes separately to yours so yours won't get ruined if they haven't emptied their pockets.
Most effective will be to change wifi password/ place parental lock so only educational websites allowed and to stop any allowance

The dad seems to have all but given up.

ClaudineMallory · 24/07/2024 09:07

They're still children, you're still the parent, so you can't give up.
They need clean clothes, food, and a safe environment. I don't know why they're so rude to you, and so disrespectful. That's more than regular teenager behaviour. It's tough to reset, but you're going to have to establish certain things. You are their mother and a person with feelings. It's not ok to treat you like that.
Be direct: why are you taking to me like this?, why do you not respect our shared space?
It's a hard road. Start with ending the allowance.

6pence · 24/07/2024 08:59

It might be a good idea to go nuclear at first if you don’t usually. That will shock them that mum is at the end of her tether and means business, but after that initial time you need to stay calm and consistent. Otherwise it will just escalate. Calm all the time. It’s hard when you are furious too.

It took me a long time to realise that once teenagers red mist of anger occurs then they aren’t going to listen or respond to anything. You could threaten loss of privileges for a year and they just wouldn’t care in that state - so instead you need to calmly tell them you’ll continue the discussion when they are calm and walk away. Then later when you are all calm, you can solve the issue properly.

Have your non negotiable rules linked to consequences and do not deviate on those. Don’t sweat the smaller stuff.

I liked the suggestion of
daily - Wi-Fi on
weekly - allowance
monthly - bonus treat.

I can’t state enough that the key to this is being CALM yourself. Calm and consistent.

CoraPirbright · 24/07/2024 08:58

SeulementUneFois · 23/07/2024 19:50

OP
For each incident of unpleasantness/ slobbyness you need to remove something that you do for them.
Like washing, lifts etc.

Yes! Write a big, visible list of everything they have and everything you do for them. Pin it up on the wall. Then each time they are vile, simply cross one off. The biggies will be wifi, pay for your phone etc and could be kept for what you decide are the larger transgressions.

Truetoself · 24/07/2024 08:41

Thing is you can't give up. You are a parent and parenting is hard. Have a break and find your inner strength to continue to be consistent. When your DS friends start commenting on how he smells, he will start wanting his clothes ro be washed. Wash their clothes separately to yours so yours won't get ruined if they haven't emptied their pockets.
Most effective will be to change wifi password/ place parental lock so only educational websites allowed and to stop any allowance

SomePosters · 24/07/2024 08:36

Just want to point out that not one of these posts is telling you to put up and shut up

All of them are saying parent these kids before it’s too late!

Sunhatweather · 24/07/2024 08:04

I can hear that you are a really nice person, OP, but I honestly think this sounds like the outcome of gentle parenting.
I don’t shout at my children, but I do have a louder, more emotive way of getting my point across and a range of consequences for talking to me rudely or without respect, although because of this it very rarely happens.
I’m by no means a perfect parent because I’m aware I do too much for mine - but they have known from an early age that there are boundaries and expectations.
How to start this with teens? I’d be having a sit down with each one and let them know that while I love them unconditionally, their behaviour isn’t appropriate and I want to know that when they go out into the big wide world, they’ll be decent, respectful human beings…..therefore these are the changes that will be happening now.
Tell them clearly what you expect and the consequences of not doing these things - and follow through. Every time.
Also outline how you’re going to reward the improved behaviour.

Keeva2017 · 24/07/2024 07:58

Sometimes you need to resort to losing your shit and going nuclear. Everything stops. Shock them and start a new life with new rules and boundaries. Don’t let this go on one day longer.

OnlyYellowRoses · 24/07/2024 07:46

I don't have anything constructive to post as I'm having the same issue with my 17yo. He's exactly the same and unfortunately his father (lives an hour away and isn't anywhere near as supportive) infantilises him even more.

Just wanted to offer a teenage suffering hand hold. Hopefully one day when they're fully functioning adults we'll look back on this and laugh.

TheKingCobraIsNotStrictlySpeakingACobra · 24/07/2024 07:35

“I am now at the point where a quiet life takes priority over trying to raise decent human beings.”

They’ve worked this out and are using it to their advantage, to get out of doing anything

piscofrisco · 24/07/2024 07:29

I don't have any advice but I can offer solidarity. My two, 18 and 17 are taking the piss. 18 just breezes in and out, often with her boyfriend in tow, barely bothers to speak to us, doesn't let us know where she going if when she will be back, leaves her crap everywhere.
17 a bit better but was basically in bed all day yesterday until she emerged wanting a lift somewhere at 7pm.
I've sent 18 a message this morning telling her she needs to exercise some basic courtesy. This usually elicits an angry response or no response at all, but I'm just so disappointed in her behaviour. She wasn't raised this way and it's come out of nowhere these last few months.

I will be having some words with 17 when she gets up today.

We are taking them both on holiday to Greece (they wanted to come), on Thursday. At this point I'm not looking forward to it and I don't really want them to come if I'm honest.

perimumma · 24/07/2024 07:24

You need to get tough OP.

Don't stand for their attitude.

itsgettingweird · 24/07/2024 07:20

You sound like a great mum.

But now to be the best mum for them you need to are back.

Spend some time making house rules.

Privileges are earned.

They get an allowance - basic. If they want the rest to the level they usually get they need to do chores. That includes washing up, washing clothes, cleaning bathroom after themselves.
No more lifts.

It's great your XH is on board so get him onboard with this re his allowance too.

Then learn to grey rock.

Any awful insults from them just rely with "you know how to solve that" and then walk away. Don't hang around for them to argue - let them argue with themselves in an empty room.

And continue things like not doing their washing of pockets are full, socks are bunched etc.

Don't wash up after them. Have your own set of crockery and lock it away. If they don't have something to eat off they need to wash up.

As hard as it will be to live in a mess for a while they will eventually have to step up - and you won't have to look at it whilst your out having your lovely walks and lunches!

Flowers
Beautifulsunflowers · 24/07/2024 07:15

Oh op. This is so sad for you. Whatever has lead to this point stops now. Time to take back your life.
first of all. Go out for the day leaving a note. ‘Gone out, don’t know when I’ll be home’ don’t answer phone calls have a day out with friends including dinner and drinks and get home after 10. They can sort themselves out for dinner.

stop doing their washing. They’re old enough to do their own. If you’re feeling kind, leave them some instructions.

insist on a week or two at their dads this summer. Non negotiable.

Have a couple of nights off each week from cooking dinner. (Or all of the holidays!) you can get yourself a dinner, go out. They can fend for themselves.

you can tell them that you love them but do not like them. The way they treat you and your house and the total lack of respect.

print off info on the schools near their dad. Leave it lying around……if they ask, you tell them you are at breaking point and cannot deal with them anymore, they will have to go and live with him…

Chester23 · 24/07/2024 07:07

I think its normal for kids to say "x is allowed to do that". I know I used to do it. Can I go here everyones going. Then we would drive past one of my friends house and my dad would ask if they were going.... erm no.

elaineyadayada · 24/07/2024 07:06

Don’t forget to put your own nice things on there too - to reinforce the message that your happiness is also planned for and counts

elaineyadayada · 24/07/2024 07:05

P.S we make a lot of ‘deals’ in our family which also works to take the heat out of things!