To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

I honestly think phones have made teenagers more horrible than previously. I agree you need to treat them like toddlers. Firm boundaries, consequences, ignore the tantrums. However, I know I'll get slaughtered for this but it's hard to build a relationship if they hate you - and it sounds like a complete breakdown on both sides - I would try to do some things with them that they like... take them to the cinema, play a game with them, go to the fair... find something that they're willing to do with you that they like. Try to keep the door open for when they're older and ready to come back, so there's some relationship left.

When they leave dirty plates/bowls in the kitchen - put them in their bedrooms. (The crockery that is)

Stop making food for them if they insult your meals. They can cook their own or order takeaway. But ensure to them that they are to throw away the rubbish. And if not, put the rubbish in their bedrooms.

Throw their shoes outside if they trail mud through the house again. Bonus points if it’s raining.

Throw out your DDs bath products and DSs shaving products if they can’t clean them up afterwards.

Stop the allowance until they learn some basic manners and clean up after themselves.

Once you remove their currency (phones and internet) they will up the behaviour, do not back down. They will learn quickly that keeping Mum happy gets them what they want (phones and internet)
Warn them to behave and clean up their act or there will be consequences. Then remove phones and pack up the wifi hub in the boot of the car and go out for the day.
Leave a list of what they need to do to get them back by the time you get home.
If you get home and nothing is done, they will have to wait another day. Rinse and repeat. If one complies they get their phone, they other will soon follow suit.
Then they need chores, threaten with a repeat if they slack off.

Are they going to their dad’s for part of the holidays?

Op i would fix the fuse box and change the WiFi code daily. Only release it when the jobs are done. I'm sorry your children are ungrateful little sods....if mine spoke to me like that I would go nuclear at them. If they want the nice things in life they need to start earning them. Washing up, cleaning up their own mess and helping round the house is necessary. You all live there X sending large glass 🍷 🫂❤️💐

I'd be tempted to ask ExH to agree to only send their allowance once he's had the nod from you and then to set new ground rules for both allowances.

No chores, no money. Rude or disrespectful, no money.

They may just change their tune after a few weeks of being skint.

My 16 year old son’s attitude towards can be very disrespectful, it started just towards the end of his GCSEs and he changed over night. I feel disrespected and I can’t do or say anything right. I walk away from him now when he becomes argumentative. He attends 6th form, but also has a job where he takes on additional hours during the holiday so there is no way of me stopping allowances or phones etc! I have realised I have to stop pandering to him, and that I need to finally start putting myself first for a change.

@Suzieandthemonkeyfeet is right. I absolutely lost it with mine. I mean proper lost it, I threw a knife on the floor which landed pointed in to floor for dramatic effect (unintentionally!).
Honestly it worked, since then they have made more of an effort. Not amazing. They still don't tidy their rooms and have piles of unwashed clothes etc. But they are borderline acceptable in the kitchen and occasionally spontaneously do something nice like cook dinner for me which one did this evening

Cut the allowance, hide phone chargers, switch off wifi etc.
Call a house meeting where you all sit down and discuss how things are going. Maybe get them to speak first? Then you say how you feel etc. Then set out new boundaries, ground rules.
What you require them to do in future and what privileges they can enjoy as a result (but no payment for chores - no one pays you to mop the floor etc)

If sitting them down for a discussion etc results in no improvement Id go on strike and do literally nowt until they wake up. No laundry service, no tidying up, no wifi, no food purchased or cooked.

Change WiFi password/remove router, cancel phone contracts, no cash handouts, shopping for basics only, that they can prepare for themselves, eat out, or buy for your own specific meals. Washing? they know where the machine is. Take yourself out for the day. If you aren't in or contactable, they can't be rude to you.
Look at new interests/hobbies. Go out on trips, visit friends. Start to develop your own life. They are old enough to take consequences of being vile brats. They apologise, then start with agreed behaviours to get privileges.

I was expecting from the title that you literally said that to them, which is literally what I said to mine about a week ago. Can't deny it felt good. And in the aftermath she seemed to think that losing her phone for 2 weeks was a pretty good deal. So completely losing your rag once in a while is to be recommended, just don't do it too often or it won't be taken seriously.

I don’t pay mine for chores.
no one pays me to do chores. It’s for the greater good that they get done

its not some utopia where we all muck in, far from it! But fuck paying them, and the subsequent negotiation that would go with that.

op I’m sorry your going through this, it sounds incredibly tough and heartbreaking. It’s easy to say be a little more selfish, but the mum guilt is real.

Wow. I really feel for you. I think I’d consider going on complete strike. Do nothing for them for a couple of weeks (cooking, cleaning, laundry, food shopping), confiscate their phones, refuse to give them any money. Leave the house all day and spend it with friends, walks and come home to bed and simply ignore them. And I mean ignore them - don’t look at them or speak to them at all. The more they shout, the more you ignore - or simply walk out. See how long it takes for them to crack and the penny to drop.

I’m not quite there yet (10-going-on-13 year old in this house) but a key bit of advice I was given is pick your battles - yes the eye rolling and huffing is rage-inducing, but let it go. Pull them up on the things that count and not every little thing otherwise your reprimands just become white noise and they will ignore it.

You’ll probably need a pillow to scream into when they really drive you insane, but decide what your boundaries are and then try to channel your inner zen master for everything else whilst inwardly reminding yourself you can always blow their inheritance on a fabulous shoe collection and around the world cruise once they leave home!

You are literally paying them to abuse you and still not getting the quiet life that you crave. You need to put your big girl pants on and make their lives a great deal less easy. Look after yourself, lay down some clear rules then go out for the day, every day until they get the message.

I just completely ignored mine if they were being vile. It's like toddler taming round 2, ignore the bad and reward the good.

In a very funny, I miss those days because they still need you in a lot of ways but are desperately trying to prove that they don't! The house is very quiet (and tidy) without them now they've flown the nest.

The joys of ungrateful bratish teenagers

vast majority of teenagers I know are like your two for a few years seems rare on MN as it’s full of amazing parents but back to rl

give yourself a break, you are not doing anything wrong other than at times trying too hard, some just become like this not because of your parenting (which is hard when you are on your own you will get the brunt off the frustrations/mood swings) but because they just feel frustrated emotions are all over the place themselves

less tending to their needs and a bit more you time they can manage and let them wallow in their self pity they shall soon get bored of themselves and the next step is you will hardly see them as they shall always be out 🥳 then another load of stress but you cross that bridge when it comes to it

what made me realise I wasn’t so alone is hearing ds friends talk to their parents…

Stop doing ANYTHING for them, stop cooking them meals, stop shopping for foods they like, turn off the WiFi, cancel their phone contracts, stop giving them money, etc. Make their lives crap!

Leave them to fester & spend the Summer doing your own thing. Rude, ungrateful little shits!!

OP both you and their dad need to sit them down and tell them, not explain, not plead, not ask but tell them that their behaviour is ridiculous and has to stop now. Have a list made out of what they have to do
shoes off at the door
laundry
clean rooms
take out rubbish
eat what's there or do without
clean up after themselves, bathroom cleaned after use, dishes in dishwasher, muddy footprints mopped up

Tell them their rudeness will not be tolerated, if they keep a civil tongue in their head, clean up and in general behave themselves then they can keep their allowance, devices, use of the wifi. You will have to be firm and show consequences at the first hurdle. The first rude comment, the first leaving the bathroom sloppy, the first time they won't sort their washing, you have to show them: money stopped, devices taken away, wifi off. If you don't they will continue as they are and become lazy, useless, abusive adults.

It might be an idea to give them their allowance in stages. If you give them £20 a week change it to £10 twice a week, behaviour has to be good in between to get the weeks full amount.

Their dad has to be on board with this, they have to see you have each other's backs and neither will give in so he's going to have to give them the same talk and set the same rules and show the same consequences.

I would say no wifi, no phones and absolutely no pocket money, and get their dad to do the same. They can earn money by doing their own washing, by cleaning up after themselves, by getting their own meals (have a rota for this) and by getting weekend jobs. They are old enough. If they complain, tell them you're treating them like adults since they think they're old enough to be rude to you.

Stop all the nice things. That includes Internet and phones and stuff like sky tv. Take tvs and laptops and gaming stations out of their room. Stop washing and cleaning and cooking. Literally be them.

I completely get anything for a quiet life. I'm 5 months in to dd coming home unexpectedly from uni and have ds 10 as well. But I really wouldn't tolerate any of that shit.

Is there anywhere you can go stay for a week or so? Dp, friend, parents. I'd fuck off, taking the router with me and block Internet on their phones. Let them do a few days going 'argh fuck you'. Followed by running out of bread, milk, clean pants etc.

There is loads of good advice on here. Good luck but what ever you decide to do try and get their dad to have the same/similar rules

You are giving them too much money.

I give mine one domestic job each per day M-F and they have to make one family meal per week - honestly I find this really useful, more so than charging them board. They do it uncomplainingly - they'd have to pay board if they didn't.

You're going to have to sit them down and tell them there are new house rules - whatever you want them to be, and don't go soft.