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To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

393 replies

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 19:45

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 24/07/2024 00:02

Yalta · 23/07/2024 23:48

Before dc we had a dog and at a puppy training group I remember the trainer saying “ignore bad behaviour and praise good behaviour”

I think it works well on children

Remember they are teens and 10 years from now they will have come through this phase will be lovely adults.

Like everything with raising children, it is a phase. The teenage phase is truly awful

I was in a charity shop today and a mum with two boys came in, one about 6 and one about 10, the mum pointed out something of interest on the shelf and the 10 year old said, "why would I care about that" in a really dismissive tone. The mum said very normally and conversationally that sometimes the way he says things is quite aggressive and his tone isn't very nice to hear at times, so in response he proceeded to call her a 'poo head' 'all you do is talk poo poo' and said to the younger one, 'see mum just talks poo all the time', he was really nasty in the way he said it.

I swear to god she didn't even flinch, just carried on browsing as if he hadn't said anything at all.. she was the ultimate in ignoring bad behaviour.

Doesn't seem to be working for her though does it?

I wanted to intervene and tell him what a nasty little shit he was, but I had my toddler with me and I knew no good would have come from it, the boundaries have to come from the parents, and she didn't seem to have any. I haven't been blessed with the patience of a saint so god help my kids if they ever spoke to me that way.. there could be no ignoring that for me.

ILoveToCleanSaidNooneEver · 23/07/2024 23:51

whoever ffs

ILoveToCleanSaidNooneEver · 23/07/2024 23:49

It's teenagers testing boundaries. Don't let them get away with it. My mum's response, who never physically chastised us or emotionally abused us, would've been, 'If you aren't happy under this roof, then you can move in with however you want'.

I used to shit myself.

Weenurse · 23/07/2024 23:49

I was a pick your battles Mum.
House meeting and agreed that they weren’t children anymore.
We all needed to contribute to running the house.
They we’re responsible for their rooms and laundry. They also needed to cook once a week and clean the kitchen twice a week, dishes etc.
I did not do their laundry unless specifically asked.
I shut the doors of their rooms and let them live with their mess. I did pay for a cleaner every second week, but their floors had to be free of shit so she could vacuum (generally floor ended up on the bed then back on the floor).
I am out the other side.
It is not easy.
Good luck

Yalta · 23/07/2024 23:48

Before dc we had a dog and at a puppy training group I remember the trainer saying “ignore bad behaviour and praise good behaviour”

I think it works well on children

Remember they are teens and 10 years from now they will have come through this phase will be lovely adults.

Like everything with raising children, it is a phase. The teenage phase is truly awful

Galoop · 23/07/2024 23:39

OlgaBraceley · 23/07/2024 23:09

What a pile of horse shite!

Agree! Teens can be moody, but most aren't spoilt little shit bags.

Yalta · 23/07/2024 23:38

I think every time they complain about something you stop doing it

Dont like what you are cooking
Cook only for yourself

Dont like what is in the fridge then only shop for yourself (get one of those tiny table top fridges for your food

Complaints about laundry. Stop doing their laundry

Eventually they will learn to do it themselves or not bother

Have you an en-suite where you can shower in peace or could you use your local swimming pool or gym to shower in for the time being and leave the bathtub caked in hair and claymask till your dd needs it again

Sometimes although you like things neat and tidy you have to ignore the filth in order for them to really see it.

I know one couple who have converted the downstairs to give them a bedroom with en-suite and have their 3 teens upstairs. The parents do not go upstairs. That is somewhere they don’t visit let alone clean and hoover

Cherrysoup · 23/07/2024 23:35

Gonners · 23/07/2024 22:18

I was about to suggest something along the lines of what @pollyglot said. Many years ago, my then-partner's ex-wife was having trouble coping with their 3 boys, aged about 11, 8 and 5 (give or take a year or so). He picked them up one weekend, right at the start of the school summer holidays. and got home to a message on the answerphone to say she was at the airport, off to visit her family in Japan, and would be back in 6 weeks. This was pre-mobile phone days.

He was off on a business trip abroad on the Monday and obviously expected me to Deal With It. I just wished him luck and went home!

<on edit> though I did think perhaps 6 weeks was excessive!

Edited

Omg! What did he do once you’d gone?

Cherrysoup · 23/07/2024 23:32

OlgaBraceley · 23/07/2024 23:09

What a pile of horse shite!

Advice for snowflakes!

TheaBrandt · 23/07/2024 23:29

I think it’s so hard because they are our children and the model is parental utter focus on them / they are the priority you care for them because that it is how it has to be when they are small. But that needs a total reset as they grow up and it comes to a head in the teen years.

Painful process - but it’s vital they start to see you as a person in your own right. I think going mental at them occasionally is no bad thing. Also agree no payment for chores - fuck that.

BettyBardMacDonald · 23/07/2024 23:14

Well, this should have been nipped in the bud years ago. They sound like 9 or 10, not 14 and 16.

As others have said, why on earth are you giving them money, xbox, etc? Pull the plug on all of it.

I'd give away all the nice food and leave them with porridge, maybe beans and some fruit. Bare minimum. Stay out as much as possible. Enjoy yourself. Send them to dad if possible. Can you enlist him to also stop the flow of money? If he makes up for what you withhold, they won't learn anything.

If they leave stuff in the lounge or kitchen or bathroom or other communal areas, just bin it without discussion.

Seriously, why do you let them treat you this way? "A quiet life" doesn't explain it.

sandyhappypeople · 23/07/2024 23:12

All the people saying start cutting their money if they don't do chores etc.. surely it's too late for that now at 14 & 15? If it wasn't setup like that from an early age that they respect you and your home and you in turn love and take care of them (and give them pocket money).. then I can't see anything like that helping the situation, they seem too far gone up their own arses to care.

I feel it's a bit too late to start laying down the law now when you've put up with it for so long already, and I think your instinct to just go out, look after yourself and leave them to it is probably all you're left with for now.

Hopefully they will miss you being their personal punching bag and come to their senses.. if not, you'll have to wait for about 7-8 years when they realise being a grown up is hard and all you were ever guilty of was loving them unconditionally, once that guilt hits they should be decent human beings again.

OlgaBraceley · 23/07/2024 23:09

AuntyMermaid · 23/07/2024 20:58

I found this article on Facebook when my teenage daughter was just like this! She is now 18 and such a kind and wonderful young lady, I promise it does get better:

If you have a teenager, or a soon-to-be-teen, this is for you...

Remember, stick with them 💛

Dear Mom and Dad,

Please stick with me.

I can’t think clearly right now because there is a rather substantial section of my prefrontal cortex missing. It’s a fairly important chunk, something having to do with rational thought. You see, it won’t be fully developed until I’m about 25. And from where I sit, 25 seems a long way off.

It doesn’t matter that I’m smart; even a perfect score on my math SAT doesn’t insulate me from the normal developmental stages that we all go through. Judgement and intelligence are two completely distinct things.

And, the same thing that makes my brain wonderfully flexible, creative and sponge-like also makes me impulsive. Not necessarily reckless or negligent but more impulsive than I will be later in life.

Please stick with me.

So when you look at me like I have ten heads after I’ve done something “stupid” or failed to do something “smart,” you’re not really helping.
You adults respond to situations with your prefrontal cortex (rationally) but I am more inclined to respond with my amygdala (emotionally). And when you ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is I wasn’t, at least not in the way you are. You can blame me, or you can blame mother nature, but either way, it is what it is.

At this point in my life, I get that you love me, but my friends are my everything. Please understand that. Right now I choose my friends, but, don’t be fooled, I am watching you. Carefully.

Please stick with me.

Here’s what you can do for me

  1. Model adulting.
I see all the behaviors that you are modeling and I hear all of the words you say. I may not listen but I do hear you. I seem impervious to your advice, like I’m wearing a Kevlar vest but your actions and words are penetrating. I promise. If you keep showing me the way, I will follow even if I detour many, many times before we reach our destination.
  1. Let me figure things out for myself.
If you allow me to experience the consequences of my own actions I will learn from them. Please give me a little bit of leash and let me know that I can figure things out for myself. The more I do, the more confidence and resilience I will develop.
  1. Tell me about you.
I want you to tell me all the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give me the space to do the same.
  1. Help me with perspective.
Keep reminding me of the big picture. I will roll my eyes at you and make all kinds of grunt-like sounds. I will let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what I’m going through. But I’m listening. I really am. It’s hard for me to see anything beyond the weeds that I am currently mired in. Help me scan out and focus on the long view. Remind me that this moment will pass.
  1. Keep me safe.
Please remind me that drugs and driving don’t mix. Keep telling me that you will bail me out of any dangerous situation, no anger, no lectures, no questions asked. But also let me know over and over and over that you are there to listen, when I need you.
  1. Be kind.
I will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness to me, someday I will imitate that behavior. Don’t ever mock me, please and don’t be cruel. Humor me-I think I know everything. You probably did as well at my age. Let it go.
  1. Show interest in the things I enjoy.
Some days I will choose to share my interests with you, and it will make me feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested. One day when the haze of adolescence lifts, you will find a confident, strong, competent, kind adult where a surly teenager once stood. In the meantime, buckle in for the ride.

Please stick with me.

Love,

Your Teenager

grownandflown.com/letter-from-teen-to-parents/

What a pile of horse shite!

DTisawazzock · 23/07/2024 23:08

Something has gone wrong with the parenting hasn't it.

A simple thing like telling them to take their shoes off "for 10 years". They have disrespected you (because you let them). You've let this shit happen.

GingerPirate · 23/07/2024 23:08

Wow.
This evening real?
Since you posted a gritty picture, OP,
I have a gritty example for you.
I was born in a Communist country 45 years ago, and if any kid pulled this behaviour, they would be maimed (mostly) by their fathers.
Sorry, no advice, no kids here, probably result of upbringing, although I was "lucky".
Time for yourself!

OlgaBraceley · 23/07/2024 23:06

They say you don't miss the water until the well has run dry.
Time for them to miss the water.

Obviously, don't do any washing or cooking, but put a lock on the fridge and put as much cupboard stuff in your room as you can, with a lock on your door.

You can also turn off the wi-fi and lock all the towels and loo roll in your room. Every time they leave the bathroom in a disgusting state, put a lock on the door so they can't use it for the next six hours.

Don't give them one sous. They get money from their dad, they can use that to buy food and loo roll or they can starve.for a bit They have water from the tap, so they will manage.

Some bleeding heart will come along with excuses for them but it sounds as if you have made enough excuses for them and this is the fruit of it. They will say but they will only fear you, not love or respect you but you don't have their love or respect now, do you even though you have been a rub rag for them .

Screaming at you, insulting you. The time is now to say 'This Far and no Further.' It is an appalling state of affairs, You have been browbeaten into thinking you have to accept it. They are bullies. Wake Up. This is your home and your rules. Put some manners on them, even if they have to pretend to have manners in order to have their nice lives back.

You really should have applied your foot to their arse the second time they walked in mud over your floor but it's too late for that now.

Hopefully, the consequences you are now suffering as a result of giving them no real consequence will serve as an awful tale of warning to those with children young enough to be taught who is top dog.

I hope you have a lovely summer-they are unpleasant people. Stay away from the, They're almost reared, so don't have any guilt about it at all.

Pollydollydoodle · 23/07/2024 23:04

I feel for you OP, I know how you feel. For all those posters that are saying cut the internet, the money, the lifts, don't do anything for them etc..... if only it was just easy!
As parents it is inbuilt for us to provide for our kids and keep them safe, if that means a fiver to go and meet their pals then you'll do it even if they have been a little brat because you know that time with their friends is good for their wellbeing. It's a mother's instinct to lift the washing etc. I could give hundreds of examples of things you say you'll do/not do but mother's instinct to care will always kick in.
I promise you it does get better and i also agree with the PP that shared the teenagers letter, they're not fully matured yet and need you to be their constant, safe, stable person.

Friyay27 · 23/07/2024 23:04

Some great advice on here OP.
You have a 6 week holiday, send them to their dads for the first 3. Non-negotiable, and tell them why.
Spend that time to rest, but take a little time to plan a structure for when they get back.
The 'grey rock' post was awesome advice. I wouldn't switch off the wifi but remove charging cables and the power plug for the x-box. Cancel any subscriptions they have that you pay for and change the password on Netflix etc
STOP doing their washing, let them be gross their mates will call them out on it.
Offer once if they want dinner, then leave them to their own devices.
Buy the food you like and stop getting any snacks / convenience food for them.
Cut the allowance in half and every time they do something disrespectful, that has a financial consequence - like leaving the milk out, deduct it from their allowance.
Good luck OP

Sagarmatha · 23/07/2024 22:56

Barricading yourself away sounds odd. I wouldn't.

Just remove everything nice from their lives, and as a pp said,.make them earn it back.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/07/2024 22:53

The problem is really that they know that you, as a parent, have a duty and obligation to care for them (provide food and necessities), while they have absolutely no duty of care for you. You were, in their eyes, put on earth to serve them.

The only way to break this belief of theirs is to just...not. Be out as much as is physically possible, provide food and facilities but don't cook or wash or clean for them.Barricade yourself in a lovely room (bedroom?) with nice food, your laptop and TV and lots of books and only emerge to point dramatically at the full fridge or washing machine when they moan. No lifts, no extras other than the pure basics that you have to provide as a parent. And tell them this will continue as long as they continue to treat you as a slave.

Well, it's worth a shot....

Sagarmatha · 23/07/2024 22:53

Allthehorsesintheworld · 23/07/2024 22:44

Boot camp time.
They get their allowance. Not a penny more. 6 weeks holiday they can find jobs babysitting, clearing up in a cafe, glass washing in a pub.My kids had all of these jobs starting with babysitting at 12/13.
They have house jobs to do. If they won’t do them, no allowance.
Stick to your guns, they shout , swear at you, diss the food you cook then they go without.
I had a battle with younger dc that lasted a few months, emptied their bedroom apart from a bed and a chest of drawers. Had to earn it all back. Was pre internet days though. You can always change password and it goes on on your terms.
Harsh but they have to learn respect.

and send them to their dad while you have a break.

Brilliant !

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 23/07/2024 22:52

Muddy shoes and they wouldn’t have even crossed the threshold of the door. Ordeting pizza? With what money, certainly not if they can’t be bothered to chip in with jobs around the house. Money has to be earned.
No internet or devices until jobs are done. End of.
What if you want from X shop? Well, you’ll have to come with me otherwise I’m not getting it. Lots of carrot dangling for these donkeys.

Sagarmatha · 23/07/2024 22:51

Stop giving them £
Remove all devices (which I assume you pay for????)
Turn the WiFi off completely
Require each to get a job
Stop cooking any meals and set up a cooking rota

Start a chore rota
Eg whoever cooks doesn't clear up
Reward good helpful behaviour

Lolatusernamesuggestions · 23/07/2024 22:49

I do a lot of policing and taking phones and privileges away for bad behaviour. Lots of praise for good behaviour and exam results. Sometimes I think I'm going backwards. Tonight I was laid out with flu and heard my ten year old hoovering his room to my amazement and my 13 year old announced she was making us all dinner. She brought my food up and even arranged the boys some fruit on a plate in a little pattern. I was gob smacked. Absolutely not meant to be goadey but to show teens are capable of being sensible and nice. She declared it was mainly to stop me passing flu to her via the food as she really wants to see her friend this week 🤣 so you can't win on everything.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 23/07/2024 22:44

Boot camp time.
They get their allowance. Not a penny more. 6 weeks holiday they can find jobs babysitting, clearing up in a cafe, glass washing in a pub.My kids had all of these jobs starting with babysitting at 12/13.
They have house jobs to do. If they won’t do them, no allowance.
Stick to your guns, they shout , swear at you, diss the food you cook then they go without.
I had a battle with younger dc that lasted a few months, emptied their bedroom apart from a bed and a chest of drawers. Had to earn it all back. Was pre internet days though. You can always change password and it goes on on your terms.
Harsh but they have to learn respect.

and send them to their dad while you have a break.

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