To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

This 👆 Good advice. The other thing I would recommend with the house meeting (which I would institutionalise) is at least 4 meals eaten together - no phones - a week.
Also ; and I don’t know whether this will help you but I remind myself that my kids have been scheduled up to their eyeballs with school. The first bit of the holidays is a big readjustment.
I do a family calendar of the holidays and print it off and stick it on to the fridge. Super useful to bring it to family meeting and help the kids divvy up the holidays. Make sure there are some constructive things in there to look forward to that you pay for and do with both or one. We have found that this ‘map’ helps them know what’s going on and adds to the sense that their enjoyment is in balance with the things I’m asking them to do. I’m constantly reminding them “what are you planning to do today that’s constructive ?”
They are not that old really (although old enough to speak to you nicely most of the time and help out). Making things feel like you are in it together not just atomised people sitting on tech might help. I warned my kids “I’m happy to pay for x,y,z and facilitate fun times but you have to put them on the calendar and you have to help me in the holidays so that I can have a break too.” Pointing out that it’s a lot more work when they are home from school. Good luck! My two can still really drive me up the wall but they know that they can’t act like entitled arses or the fun stuff won’t happen.

All this and neither you or their dad should give them a penny until they show you some basic decency.
And as another poster said - shout! I’d have lost my verbal shit a long time ago, it’s a horrible way to live.

Stop their money now. Stop the nice mum act. You've raised them to be like this! And it stops today.

I don't understand why they are getting an allowance when they haven't done chores. If they didn't have an allowance then they wouldn't be eating pizza. They dont need an allowance. Buy what they need like food and deodorant etc and make them work and clean up for anything more.

Put a rota up for who's doing what on and on what day.

If you need to....take away the Xbox. Be a parent. Yes....they are 14 and 15 but they are still kids, still having to love at home and while they live at home have to abide by your rules.

My son will never be allowed to waste the whole holiday on a games console but I'm a strict parent and will be until he's 18.

Oh I’m sorry, I know this isn’t funny and I have similar challenges with two teenage boys.

But this comment has ended me Lol: “Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!“

Have you seen ‘Little brother Kev’? Def worth a view on YouTube if nothing else but to give you a laugh.

Im assuming you did all this too! I’d love to hear if you did off your child 😆

Cut the WiFi, leave for the day. Repeat. Give them a pre-warning and write down the house rules (emptying pockets, cleaning up after themselves etc) break the rules WiFi goes off.

YANBU op at all, and I can’t stand it when other posters come on and say things like “I would have nipped this in the bud years ago”, it’s so holier than thou. And I can’t stand the term “snowflake” either because no parent of teens is that.

My primary school dc had rules, and did chores every week for pocket money without fail, and were generally cheerful, respectful and compliant.

Then adolescence struck like a tsunami and took away all of that and replaced it with the behaviour you describe so well op.

The only thing you can do is be there, hold the line, and hang in there until it gets better, and as you say, try not to go insane and try and take regular time out by focusing on your own life and hobbies.

Don't take any criticism personally, ignore the eye rolls, listen to the emotions behind the words, not the words themselves, pick your battles and model the behaviour you want them to emulate, keep the lines of communication open, make sure you start each day afresh and don’t get in to a negative cycle, and don’t forget to tell them you love them.

Don’t take any nonsense. Just walk away when they speak disrespectfully, EVERY time, walk out of the door there and then if you need to, even in the middle of cooking dinner, Stress that you will listen to what they have to say but only if it is said respectfully.

Any complaints about ridiculous stuff - take them as a cue that it’s time they do their own laundry, cooking and cleaning.and when their bedrooms get unsavoury, and they’ve shed all over the bathroom, change the wi-fi code until everything is done.

Good luck op and enjoy every second of those coastal walks. You are a good parent. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Teens are vile I expected-

No rudeness/nasty comments
Pots in the dishwasher
Rinse the bath if needed
Clean the toilet if needed

If they didn't follow this they lost their phone I'd usually do a few hours (long enough to bother them but not so long there wasn't any incentive to behave)

Pocket money- they each did two jobs a week before they received it.- empty dishwasher once each then one emptied bins and the other changed all the bedding. They also did their own washing.

They are in their twenties now and lovely

Thank you so much for this. My grandkiddo is 9 going on 30- I hope her parents read this and take it to heart.

Allowance for what?
Get summer jobs! Saturday jobs etc. Paper rounds etc.
Sorry but your going to have to make major changes as they do sound impossible.
Allowance! I can't get over that.

I used to help my oarents at home but never got an allowance. I got a Job at 16 and worked my butt off to pay for everything I wanted / needed including university.

You need to to cold turkey with them.
They are old enough to help prep and make simple meals.

Frustrating. I'd stop the allowance. I had to get a paper round at 13 for any spare money. My parents would pay for Guides/ Scouts/ St Johns Ambulance, and basic clothes. If I wanted something particular, I had to earn and save myself.

I'd also not bother cooking. If they are so rude. Just do your own meal.

Do you have your own bathroom, or is there only one main family bathroom? This may make it easier/ harder to just stop cleaning it up.

I don’t understand why you are rolling over and allowing them to treat you like dirt? Where are the boundary’s and consequences for poor behaviour?

Also, you don’t have to give them an allowance. It’s not mandatory.

My DS occasionally gets grumpy but I talk to him to try to find out what the problem is and then get him to think about how his behaviour can negatively impact others.

I think you need to use these holidays as a period to reset the entire family dynamic. You take charge, not them!

I wouldn't put up with any of this. I wouldn't let them speak to me so disrespectfully. Why did you ever let it get so bad. Start saying : "don't speak to me like that". Turn the WiFi off.

What a load of absolute wank.
Plenty of teenagers can be arseholes, but I don't believe it's normal or typical, some kids are just horrible.
Toughen up and stop being a walkover. Stop the money at the very least.

Is the father involved in the upbringing?

You could work together with their dad and agree that pocket money now comes with conditions because they're taking the piss.

A certain amount for chores and a certain bonus amount for actually being decent human beings, talking to you and each other respectfully.

Take their phones off them and keep them off. 30 mins a day to catch up with messages. You'll see changed kids after 3-4 days.

@Babyshambles90 I agree lovebombing (in the therapeutic sense) works well with teenagers, even if they do look a bit sulky at the start! I hate the phrase 'quality time' but it does work to break negative patterns, the old 'chat in the car' trick does also work pretty well.

Why are you accepting this? Letting them treat you like this? They're your children! My teens wouldn't ever dare raise their voice to me, roll their eyes, be rude or not clean up after themselves. We don't raise our voices at them either, so practice what we preach.

Pocket money, phone contracts etc are paid for on condition they do their chores, own laundry and beds, bins, walk dog, keep their rooms clean, mow lawn, hoover etc. They just do it, never moan and they get their money, Xbox time, hobbies etc. We all live here, so we must all look after our home.

Why are you continuing to give them money, let them access games and phones, cleaning up after them etc if they're showing you such disrespect? How are they going to treat others if they treat their own mother like this?

You’ve had loads of very similar advice, OP, and I’m not saying it’s wrong. But just to offer another perspective, because at the end of the day only you really know what’s going on in your home, with your kids, and it’s always helpful to get a range of views so you can take what might work and bin what doesn’t appeal. It sounds like you might all be a bit bogged down in a negative loop. Your kids act in a way that’s thoughtless, antisocial, even unpleasant. You focus on those things and make life more unpleasant for them to push them into behaving better. Not many of us do behave better because someone makes our life worse - there might be a short term effort at compliance, but it’s unlikely to last or to be meaningful change. Sometimes bringing a bit of joy, praising them, recognising something they have achieved and are proud of, reminding them that in a world that for teenagers sometimes seems very hard to navigate, you are their safe space, and that even when they are arseholes, you still love every atom of them and believe in them - sometimes that positivity can bring out the very best in them and remind you all of how special you are to each other. And yes, I am probably a snowflake optimist, but I have teenagers and no, they are very much not perfect!, but I have found being really transparent about the fact that they are absolutely my favourite people in the entire world makes it all that bit easier. So before you follow some of the advice on here and turn your home into a device free boot camp, maybe take a flyer on a day of love bombing and see where that gets you. I’ll be keeping everything crossed for you either way, the teenage years are brutal one way or the other!

I try to remember that their brain is changing. They perceive facial expressions wrongly. (See anger where it's not) Got all those new hormones swirling about. Growing like Topsy, adjusting to a new body, got stupid exam pressure with schools laying it on thick and Idiot Goves new curriculum..

Try not to take what they say to heart...they have big emotions that are hard to regulate and are often really self centered.

It is hard work getting them through this phase to be functioning human beings. I have yet to succeed. I do know how to put a door back together though...

I praise them for behaviour I like. Thank them for stuff they do right.
Talk to them about their behaviour...Try and remain calm. Try to work out which hills are worth dying on. Try to explain things using examples from their life... Try to explain consequences... Withdraw services...

I text them and ring them from downstairs.

Sympathise with their feelings.

We are making progress but I might need a new door yet...

With yours I would decide which hills you want to die on.

Think of consequences that fit the crime... (I had to (clear up after you did....) so I don't have time to....(Thing they want)
(I had to pay to replace milk you left out so there is less pocket money)
(Your jeans were not in the laundry basket so weren't washed)
Off fuck when they tell you to....and don't do that thing they wanted you to do.

Tell them they are really good at...(Behaviour you want) (Eg bringing their pots down, feeding the cat) lay it on thick...it often gets repeated.

Might not work with yours though...

Try a few things, give them a decent try as things often get worse before they get better...

Mine are ND so need a different approach...

I also don't take people out to dinner who look at their phones all the time, because that's a waste of my money- either we go out and have dinner and chat, or we can stay home and look at our phones. I think you are doing the right thing going out with friends.

The other thing I would do is divide and conquer, don't let them gang up on you (if you are a single parent as I am too)- take one out individually, for coffee and chat, or doing their activity. Don't take both out and let them essentially bully you.

If you are on your own (and I don't see mention of your husband/partner) or your partner is very detached, it's very easy for two headstrong stroppy teens to rule the roost and you have to get back your own control of the situation in clever ways.

Taking away Xboxes and phones, is not going to improve your relationships or their attitude.

I think you have the right idea of making sure you are having a good summer, despite living with teens.

Explain again to them how you feel, but not by moaning them. Text it to them if it’s easier.

Lower your expectations on certain things like footprints but with manners and being civil, be firmer if you can.

I would have a plan of one or two things a week that you would like to do as a family such as -pizza night together and watch a comedy-even if it’s half and hour, a trip to the beach. Let them know that these are what you would like to do.

Good luck!

Thing is- I don't think suddenly piling on loads of consequences when you've been pretty slack for 10 years is the way to go with teens. They will just rebel, flounce off, start living with their boyfriend, live at dads, stay out all night and generally this will raise the temperature at home, not decrease it. I would start with the rude comments as that's just not ok in any way whatsoever, cleaning I would get to later.

I had a chat with both of mine when there was a bit of eye-rolling and huffing going on. I said, I get parents are irritating, but I live in this house, this is my home and I want to be happy in it. If I'm feeling ok, I'm happy to take you places, pay for stuff and generally help you out. If you treat me badly, I will feed you and provide the basics, but I won't feel generous-spirited at all, I won't be giving lifts, letting you socialise in my house and so on. It is your choice.

I didn't go crazy over one eye roll and occasionally there'd be a bit of a flare up, but both would know they would have to apologise for that, and basically be pleasant enough (not nice, just neutral) for us to all work as a team in the house.

I didn't succeed fully with cleaning initially, I'm not very good at tidying, but I more or less left their rooms to them, apart from requiring dirty dishes to be removed/putting bedding out for a change every week or two. Over time, they've started doing much more at home, cleaning the kitchen etc. One motivator for that was having friends/boyfriends over, it's embarrassing to live in a messy room or have an unpleasant kitchen, so this has improved hugely.

I don't want people making me feel sorry for being alive in my own home, that level of rudeness isn't something I could live with.

I changed the password on everything and stopped with the money.

"The WIFI isnt working!!!"
"Its working for me"

"I need money for XYZ"
"You had your pocket money, thats it. I did warn you"

Its a bit of a "it gets worse before it gets better" situation.

Been there, hold the line.

Oh I feel for you OP, that sounds so draining and demoralising.
Hopefully, it’s just the teenage phase and, perhaps, now they are on holiday from school they may be more chilled and less mean spirited.

Definitely take time for yourself, look after yourself.

I do agree with others that they should have to earn their pocket money from yourself and their dad, but I can understand why this might feel like more trouble than it’s worth for you right now.

Remember, being a teenager can be really hard. I was a horrid teenager, very stroppy and hormonal

I have to say OP, I found your post quite amusing at times - maybe you should write a dairy and get it published.
The Diary of a Homicidal Mum Of Teenagers -
i’f defo buy it!