How to deal with grandparents not respecting our wishes

My dc has a similar sounding allergy- milk and soy.
it won’t kill him by making him go into anaphylactic shock, but makes him extremely ill, screaming in agony, blood in his nappy, rash all over his body, can’t sleep for days due to the pain, it meant as a baby he was classed as failure to thrive before we figured out the allergy as it was so severe he wasn’t putting weight on.
MIL refused to take it seriously as a ‘proper’ allergy and said a little bit couldn’t hurt etc

we now don’t see MIL.

i would say ‘giving dc food that he is allergic too, even a tiny bit, makes him extremely ill and is child abuse. If you continue to ignore us and give them anything they are not allowed and think you know better than we do, or better than medical professionals do, then you will not be seeing us or our dc.

someone has to stand up for your DC and put them first, if you’ve given them chances and they are still hurting your child you need to stop the relationship. You wouldn’t continue to let them around your child if they were physically hitting them to cause them pain, so why are you allowing them to continue causing your dc pain by dismissing their allergy.
You will also never be able to trust that they will not just give your dc the allergy food behind your back.
My MIL gave dc a small amount once, and they didn’t react (miraculously!) and they then used that as a stick to beat us with.

It's a power play.

You have to remove their ability to make your child ill.

It'd be nice if they respected you, but this isn't about food, it's about power.

I'd make DC a snack box/ lunch box and tell them DC is only to eat the food you have provided. If they persist and give DC food they are allergic/ intolerant of then you need to stop unsupervised contact. I have some food issues at the moment and eating things like dairy make me incredibly sick and cause a lot of pain. The grandparents are being irresponsible.

This is the dreadful thing about these people. They are causing a child, their own grandchild, actual pain and suffering. Just because they think they know better and want to show you that. It’s unforgivable.

It's a shame I know and not exactly the same reason but your DC maybe able to spend time with them when old and they can say. No Grandma Granddad I can't eat that. Older children are able to advocate for themselves.

Advise them they won't be having unsupervised visits until they adhere to the rules.

How would you handle it if they were taking him out in the car without a car seat? Or letting him play unsupervised by a busy road? Just because this is a food based risk that 'might not' be immediately life threatening doesn't make it any better. They are endangering your child's health. I'm assuming they're your in laws? In which case, your H needs to read the riot act and tell them under no circumstances are they to do it again or they won't be able to have DC alone.

I wish all threads were as easy to resolve! 😀

They cannot be trusted to have your DC unsupervised, so just stop it. If they query it, you tell the truth.

Then you’ll have no choice but to put a stop to it and prevent any unsupervised access.

it might be a bit easier if we knew exactly what the issue was to be honest?

My parents would have struggled with more complex dietary needs (they were the type to ask a vegetarian if duck is ok!) such as celiac disease and diabetes for example and I wouldn't have left ds with them unsupervised unless I could trust them to only give him food I provided.

Is providing the food for any visits an option? If they would disregard that too then your only options is no unsupervised visits until your dc is old enough to understand and say no.

I've never got over my ex mil giving my lactose intolerant child milk. She'd had to wait secretly to pounce and give it him while we had gone out for 10 mins.
She and my SILs were rather obvious in their opinion that I made it up - and also had hoodwinked everyone into thinking he had autism.
She smiled when she told us. Couldn't give a shit that he had a 4h journey in the car to do with stomach ache. Bitch.
They are determined to prove their point and show you your fussing. Do not leave your child with them.

The other question is how much longer are you happy to leave your child alone with them when they do not have enough regard for their health ? They also seemingly don’t respect you.

Obviously no unsupervised contact.

you may also have to institute a rule that they are not allowed to gift food of any kind to any of your children.

For example, my ILs like to do things like bring the grandkids chocolate at Easter and that works fine for our family. For yours, I would instead suggest they bring something like stickers or slime or some other inexpensive yet annoying trinket of their choosing.

Rather too many friends and family think their own opinions or views matter more that medical diagnosis. Thus: 'How will you know if he/she doesn't try it out?' and 'DC might get used to it if he/she tries it in small amounts', or even 'I've read online that they are saying you should introduce [forbidden foods] really early'. I don't think you can safely leave your DC unsupervised with anyone who thinks they 'know better'.

Ils blatantly told me they would give my vegi dc meat when I wasn't there..
So they simply never had the dc without me there. Tell them this is what's happening... Their behaviour has made this the new scenario not you.

Exactly this.

This issue comes up a lot and it’s really shocking how many GPs do this. If they don’t see serious health effects immediately (because the effect is delayed, and the child and parents have to suffer it later) it reinforces their belief that the parents are exaggerating.

certain foods should be avoided. It's not a life or death situation like a nut allergy

Perhaps if you explained it to them as you have to us, then they really have not totally understood the situation properly. as your post says its not a life or death situation!

maybe you need to be more clear. so tell them that X, Y & Z. is bad for their health because this, that and the other happens.

Is this food something like sugar, and they can’t stand the idea of child missing out on treats? Can you provide them with some suitable alternatives for them to give so they can feel like they’re still “spoiling” GC?

Ultimately though if you can’t trust them then they can’t be unsupervised with your child. One of my children has serious food allergies and one set of grandparents do quite genuinely seem to forget and/or not understand what foods are covered (that an almond is a nut for example) - despite the fact their grandmother could tell you how her cousin Tim she met twice in 1978 took his coffee, she can’t hold it in her head that DC has an allergy. They do not have my DC unless DH or I are there and paying attention.

Edit - I’d also stop calling it “respecting our wishes”. It’s not your wishes, it’s your child’s medical needs as advised by qualified medical professionals. It’s not whether they let your kid stay up past bedtime or have pudding before main course.

I'd have a very frank "WTF do you think you are doing" talk.

"The doctor has told us that we need to keep DC away from people who have a negative impact on their health by feeding them X. Sorry, we can't visit/have you over etc."

Keep that up for six months or so and then try again, if they feed them the prohibited food again, just never let the DC be in their company again.

The older generation still revere doctors as semi-gods in many cases, so if it seems like a doctor's instruction, rather than a parent's decision they may take it more seriously.