How to deal with grandparents not respecting our wishes

I don’t have a lot of advice but it needs nipped in the bud because it doesn't get better with age. I found out I am Coeliac as a teenager so could advocate for myself and it still didn't stop family members trying to give me gluten and telling me I would be fine, just eat a bit, your relative made it, etc etc etc. Some people just don't get it.

Something like PKU? Maybe show them the info sheet from your child's dietician/consultant?

They're probably of that old fashioned mindset that they were fed everything when they were younger with no issues, and that these are all just 'oversensitive' parent things.

Unfortunately, you have to prioritise your child's health over their happiness. I agree with others, supervised initially and then banning if they cross the line.

My ds has ASD and doc gave us info on a diet that sometimes led to improvements. It was rather restrictive (no gluten or casein - a protein in dairy). Mil CRIED when we said she could no longer give him smarties or the cookies from the bakery.

DH had a word later, mil got upset again then heard fil say 'we'll just ignore it' when he left the room. He lost his shit with them, accused them of not caring about ds health and said they wouldn't be left alone with him.

As far as I know they did follow the diet, I made damn sure to provide loads of lovely and suitable treats.

And if anyone is interested, we did see a change in behaviour but insufficient to stick to such a rigid diet. Good to know if he wants to try again in the future.

Now we've got to say they can't see ds alone and they'll be telling everyone no doubt how we're keeping them from their grandchild.

And you'll be telling everyone how you're keeping them from causing their grandchild harm.

This. Simple. ⬆️ 🤷‍♀️

It might be infuriating but it has got to the point where you can’t keep putting your child in the situation. If the grandparents can’t or won’t listen and you know it, then you have to be the one to stop it. The ball is in your court.

Its simple. "No more acess to my children because I can't trust you"

Can you write up the restrictions and give them a couple of laminated sheets, including one small enough to go in each of their wallets. Then, if it happens one more time they have absolutely no excuse and you would be completely justified in stopping them seeing your child.

Set up a family chat on WA.. On the pretext of easier to share photos of ds... Any issues with food you can pop a few reminders for mil on there... Everyone can see why you aren't allowing her free access to your dc...

This is best

I'm a full grown adult with a lifelong walnut allergy, my parents still "forget". They can't see the horrible itchy throat or upset tummy so of course I'm just making fuss. There's no reasoning with people like this.

I have 2 DC both who have allergies to food. Some of which aren't life and death but will make them very unwell and one DC has 2 that are very serious if eaten in a may contain. MIL has slipped up several times giving food without checking even with me sending food with DC when she cares for them as they want other food she has.
Due to this I've told her she is only to let them eat what I send with them and nothing else. No issues since this. My children both know even though they are quite young they are to only eat from their lunch box and nothing else.
Unfortunately some people just cannot be trusted and they aren't the ones dealing with the child when they become unwell so I've set boundaries on this and it's worked fine for over a year now.

Try - “Why are you willing to hurt your grandson just to defy your son?” That might stick in their mind.

I’m assuming they are in-laws

Just tell them they can no longer have unsupervised access to their grandchild and you will be cutting back on visits because they are openly disrespecting boundaries. My partners mother did this and it caused health issues (as I told her numerous times that it would) it's neglectful to a child to feed them things that cause an adverse medical reaction when you're aware of the implications of your actions.

I'd respond to anyone believing that you're keeping their grandchild away with "it's such a shame, but they're both having memory issues, it's really concerned us, but unfortunately as a result of it, they keep forgetting what DS can safely have and put him in danger". Repeat repeat repeat. And same to them. "Unfortunately due to your memory issues and forgetfulness you're unable to be alone with/see DS. we just can't put DS in danger, and you just keep forgetting".

They've proved they can't be trusted to provide childcare at any level. Time to find an alternative.

If they ask then you shall have to say that simply put due to their age and apparent forgetfulness it will not be possible for them to have your children in an unsupervised capacity.

Stop asking them. They clearly don’t respect the advice and they are just pissing you off.

This is very insightful . The only relative who “ forgets “ that I have a food intolerance is my SIL who doesn’t like me. I mean she “ forgets” in the time between the invitation being given ( and me reminding her and asking what food I can bring ) and the event itself.

And then she forgets again between the main course ( I usually end up being given plain rice or lettuce ) and the desert.

And then we play the whole game again next time we are at her house 🙄

Of course she expects me to remember her dietary preference , as I have done every time I’ve hosted her for the last 30 years.

So yes it’s about power @Chilledsummer .

It’s “ you can’t tell us what to do in our own house / with our own GC”.

And “ we don’t have to listen to you and your new fangled ideas about bringing up children “.

It’s bizarre they’re not adhering to your wishes.
But as this isn’t a lifestyle choice , rather it’s a health issue, you need to unequivocally lay down the law. They do not feed the foods on the list or they don’t see the grandchildren. And until you are certain you can trust them, they get no unsupervised time.

Tbh it sounds like the OP has already tried all of the suggestions posters are making.

The only thing left to do now is no unsupervised contact.

They're either idiots or are malicious. Either way you can't leave your DC with them again. You'll have to arrange alternative childcare.

Time to say, "either you cannot be made to understand that DC can't have these foods, in which case DC can't be left with you due to declining cognitive function, or you refuse to hear us saying that DC can't have these foods, in which case DC can't be left with you as it is not safe."

If you are feeling very generous then you could add, "here is the list of foods/ingredients to avoid. If this happens again then we will know DC can no longer be left with you for one of those two reasons."

That's about all you can do, OP. You can only make you DC safe. You can't make the grandparents listen.