To avoid the ‘just wait’ brigade

It's a balance.

It's not kind to pretend everyone jumps back into size 6 jeans the day after birth, Kate Middleton-style, and can have a fun and leisurely maternity leave. Some women do, the ones who struggle are not failing, they are just unlucky.
Babies come in all personalities and sleep patterns, some sleep, some don't.. AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR PARENTING STYLE.

Some toddlers are easy, others not so much and it goes on. You can't tell, you can't guess, and you can't blame or be smug depending on what child you have. They are individual.

I have never understood people who hated holidays with kids, always loved mine since my kids were babies. We are all different. I didn't have easy kids, I managed expectations 😂

Some people try to warn you, some will be in a constant competition, it never stops.

Once they are in primary school, no one cares at all if your baby slept or not when he was born, if he was BF or formula-fed, if you did purees or baby-led-weaning

Take everything with a pinch of salt, be ready to need help and enjoy your pregnancy. Some women are sick as a dog, others are glowing. Again, it's just luck.

I remember an ex friend telling me that after the birth of her first child she hadn’t managed to get in the shower until 1.30am. I had no such trouble. Once you establish a routine the baby will thrive on it and there’ll be time for yourself x

I had the total opposite experience. Everyone telling me what a joy it was, how much I would love it, that it is so wonderful. So when I found it harder than I could ever have imagined I felt like a total failure, because for me it was not much of a joy.
So people around me warning me how hard it could be would have been useful!

I agree and disagree 😂

I absolutely hated how people (even women who hadn’t given birth) told me it was going to be awful. How older mothers said I was going to be fat from now on, and say bye to wearing make up and exercising.

Have just had my third and I’m still running 6 days a week before showing up with my make up on and never became overweight.

Howeverrrrr, some couples really do go in thinking they’re going to be the best parents of all time and everyone else just isn’t as clever as them! Couples like this often fall very flat and many of them have ended up divorced…

My point is: Yes, these comments can be wrong and annoying. But yes, go in knowing that you have NO IDEA what being a parent is like until you’ve lived and breathed it for a while.

I only ever say 'just wait' comments when I'm trying to close down tedious baby/child conversations and want to segue into something more interesting.

We're also expecting our first baby in autumn, but I haven't had any of this. All my family and friends are so positive about everything, I'm sure they haven't loved every minute but I am happy to live naively for now, and discover the hard parts myself. Honestly I'd just shut them down - and maybe get them to talk about other things? I hate the expectation that all I want to talk about is pregnancy/baby stuff. So boring.

Look on this as good practice for what comes later. People forever and a day have offered up unwelcome advice and always will . Start working out those you want to listen to and those best ignored.

You’ll find your way through as we all do and hopefully you will make some life long friends along the way who you will always be grateful to and be there for as you move along the path from babies and toddlers to grandchildren and other things.

Yup. As the parent of two very different children - one a very difficult newborn and then prone to emotional outbursts as she grew, and one a little ray of sunshine 99% of the time, I agree with you.

The causation goes the other way. Everyone remarked on how relaxed DH and I were when DC1 was born. When silent reflux kicked in and we crumbled, those comments stopped.

I'm fully sure if I'd had my babies the other way around I would have assumed the ray of sunshine was down to me being so relaxed. It wasn't, that's just her personality.

So they are giving you advice rather than you asking?

As I always said to my mother unasked for 'advice' is actually interference.

There was a time when one became pregnant and then had a baby with some input from medical people in between, one didn't 'research' or read lots of books on the subject and the baby was usually just fine. I honestly think that many people now spend too much time thinking about things which in reality change nothing. Go with your gut would be my unsolicited interference!

I hated these comments and actively told people to stop making them. I told the most common “just you wait”ers that I didn’t want to hear any comments that started like that and then repeated that every time they did it. Perhaps it was a bit aggressive on my part but I don’t regret it. It seemed to be a way of invalidating whatever I was experiencing at that moment and it was infuriating. It has mainly stopped now that DS is a toddler - perhaps this was what I was “just you wait”ing for…

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Congratulations OP!

I think people just like to be a bit know-it-all-y when they've already experienced something and like to make out like they're experts whose duty it is to pre-warn you about absolutely everything!

For what it's worth, the ones I would tell you are, just wait until... your baby smiles at you for the first time, belly laughs until you're also belly laughing, their eyes light up when they see you after a nap, you show them the simplest things and they're filled with wonder and fascination... it's just amazing and you should ignore anyone with nothing to say but doom and gloom! I've had the best eight months of my life with my little one, and everything that people warned me about just doesn't come close to the amazing things I've experienced with him so far! Hope you have an amazing time when your little one arrives!

Cock head to one side sympathetically

"Oh dear, it sounds like you're really struggling with parenting/ your mental health/ marriage at the moment. Have you thought about looking for a parenting course/ seeing your GP/ getting marriage counselling? I hope it improves, I suppose marriage and children doesn't suit everyone."

Kills three birds with one stone:

• Alerts them to how miserable they sound
• Makes you feel better
• Means you probably won't see much of them going forward.

I know it's difficult Op, but your first paragraph is a little telling in that you have chosen to stress the idea of how awaited this baby is. I don't need to point out that a baby conceived in any circumstance can be just as loved and wanted, and I think most would agree, but the whole act of pointing it out says more about how the mother is coping, and this is understandable.

To me it is a sort of sign which means that this hopefully soon to be first time parent is possibly a little more vulnerable and that they would prefer to not hear parents' more difficult views, whereas someone who has already had other children, or at least doesn't emphasise their pregnancy journey, will probably be able to cope better with all the comments that come with pregnancy and child rearing.

Anyway I understand that you wish to surround yourself with positivity. I remember after the birth of my first child I found watching certain programmes on TV and things on the news difficult to cope with. I didn't wish, or more likely couldn't cope with hearing about those things at that time.

Read Bringing UP Baby by Daisy Goodwin, it's not a parenting book more a look back through history at parenting advice through the ages and the socio economic influences,it's really fabulous at putting into perspective all the random advice you are given by friends, family, experts and influencers

Let's face it, we've been having babies forever,there are very few things they actually need to thrive. Most of those things are fairly cheap or free but with no money to make with them we have to invent new problems to solve and new things to worry about, relying on our instincts is a thing of the past.

Total bollocks

@EnglishBluebell some people find the new born stage the hardest part.

Some things are tough. Be prepared to find some things tough, ask for help if it seems unusually tough, but there are so many things that are fabulous. First smiles, peek a boo, watching them play, first words, their lovely head smell, snuggles, ...

Enjoy each stage as it comes. Prepare for the tough times as they come. (No point worrying about terrible twos or teenagers yet) it's not going to be unrelentingly hard, it's not going to be without any difficulties .

Your sister sounds too negative...

I also had a rainbow baby and was insanely worried throughout the pregnancy thinking something would happen and I wouldn't have a baby to take home, these thoughts are very common for people with previous losses and comments you received are insensitive.
Try ignoring them - easier said than done. Nobody knows what your experience will be like.

@SnappyCroc I think it is more that it is a surprise to women who have had little contact with babies and children in general.

Unbelievable!

Many congratulations, people just have to say something, ignore OP.

I had to Google. Dcs born after still birth or miscarriage.

I actually think generally,( not always because of asd etc) but most dcs are a reflection of their parents and upbringing. Stressed parents usually have nervous dcs and so on. Same with aggressive parents. Dcs learn behaviour.

What is a rainbow baby?

I've never said it myself and have RBF so I've thankfully mostly avoided being the victim of it too. I think people just see their own past naivety and are letting off steam so it's not worth a second thought. Other times they're perhaps trying to be helpful if it's certain advice, but obviously just because something was a huge deal to them doesn't mean it'll happen to you at all (which is why I never share unless directly asked).