To avoid the ‘just wait’ brigade

Get used to it OP and rise above it. It will continue. I remember telling someone I was having a tough time with a toddler and she said 'at least you know where they are..' she had young adults. Ffs its her self inflicted anxiety about another adults' whereabouts, its ridiculous to compare. I overhead two people talking only this week at an exercise class, one mentioned something about her 5 year old and the other woman said 'enjoy it at that age, wait till they are teenagers and the trouble starts'. Clearly she couldn't cope with her teenagers and presumed everyone was the same. It's always their issue, not yours.

alrightlove, yes I’ve heard from the public health nurse that it‘s something they’ve really noticed with other kid’s my lad’s age (he’s four now). Shyness & social difficulties.

Luckily, for us, our little fella is extremely outgoing, always has been. I loved the bubble when he was small, and I had extra maternity leave too. So, it worked out well for us.

“So ignore the moaners, they were just unprepared”

Erm, people who find things difficult are not necessarily ‘unprepared’. It’s usually chance whether you get a baby you are merrily be up and about with from day one, or whether you have issues feeding and get PND, etc.

I agree people shouldn’t scare new mums though, although some would then complain that nobody told them ‘the truth’!

I find parenting far easier than IVF and miscarriages and am happy to say that to anyone who tries to "just you wait" me at the various stages of parenthood!

The most authoritative advice I can remember receiving was about how to get my (4th!) child into a sleeping routine - from a man who had no children, nieces, nephews or siblings, nor training nor work history involving children. I thanked him rather stiffly for sharing the benefit of his extensive experience.

You probably don't need to be warned that babies do things like poo and puke and cry at inconvenient moments, but outside that yours will be a unique human being with behaviours that fall somewhere within a wide range of norms. If it's not all sunshine and rainbows it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. If you're not suffering "enough" that doesn't mean you're doing something wrong either. And if you've found the magic formula that works with your child, be happy but don't judge those parents for whom it doesn't. I can't begin to express how different mine all were and it caught me by surprise every time! They all had their unique ways, their charms and maddening quirks, and they've all grown up to be lovely human beings (probably despite rather than because of their parents).

As for money, isn't the best use of it to share with those you love?

Majority of people mean well. Just smile and nod at the naysayers or doom-mongers. Mainly ignore people like that though it is probably coming from their own experiences. They are probably trying to warn you but it is draining if it happens a lot.

When I was about eight months pregnant with my first waiting for my midwife appointment in my GPs, there was a young woman who proceeded to tell me in minute, excruciating detail that i would only tell close family or a doctor everything that went wrong with her labour )tear size, blood loss etc…). It was probably from a place of trauma and I listened very politely, nodding and saying,‘that must have been tough’ for about five minutes and then thought, no why am I putting up with this extremely insensitive tirade? And when she drew breath, very calmly said’ I do hope you don’t think I am being rude, I am so glad you and yourr baby are fine now but this conversation is very insensitive to have with an eight month pregnant first-time mum, so I am going to have to ask you to stop telling me’. The look on her face was priceless and it was empowering for me. So you do have to show up for yourself with assertiveness at times. Decide on your core values and parenting style. Listen to those who have your interests at heart and may have some good advice and just get on with it.

Phrases like the ones below are very useful:

‘I’ll certainly bear that in mind, thanks’
‘it works for us’.
‘mmm, I have heard that mentioned before’

@Smurf1993 oof that's a bit of a kick in the balls to parents with unplanned babies to suggest planned babies are more cherished. My 18 year old son was the product of a one night stand and I love him more than life itself. I describe him as a gift too. There is absolutely no difference in my feelings towards him or my younger DD who was planned and the product of a (then) loving stable relationship.

I'd looked after young my nieces from being a teenager and always knew I wanted kids. I took to parenthood like a duck to water. It's the most challenging but also most rewarding thing I've ever done. I raised him completely alone without his dad and we're still incredibly close. I'd walk over hot coals for him (and DD). It's not about how a child's conceived, it's what you do once they're here! And something can be incredibly special and very hard - the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Interesting comment. The thing is... in isolation things are good/bad, but as a parent you don't deal in absolutes, just in "least worst" outcomes.

So "American YouTube" bad, but what if the baby is screaming their head off, you're going stir-crazy, your partner is working late and you have a toddler who needs fed and bathed or an older child who needs help with their homework?

What is worse? Tablet time + toddler fed/homework done, or No table time + you're sitting crying in the bathroom + toddler not fed/homework not done + everyone still awake at 10pm.

I've had my older child fall asleep in school before because the baby wouldn't settle for hours, I fell asleep settling the baby and older child watched cartoons until midnight (huge parenting fail there 😂). I've put the baby in a bouncer in front of the TV because the alternative was leaving them in their cot to cry because I just couldn't cope anymore. And there does come a point at which you need to shower if you're not managing to...

That is lovely. Well said (written)

Personally I enjoyed my babies and didn’t find it particularly hard at all. Of course it’s tiring in the early days when they need so many feeds, but apart from that…

IMO there’s far too much stress on MN on how difficult babies and children are. They aren’t all difficult by any means.
Even my teen dds weren’t a pain at all - I do get fed up with MNers saying teen girls (in particular) are bound to be a nightmare.

So did I, but routines don't always work for every baby so wouldn't share it

And you can't keep a teenager in a routine

It can hardly escaped your notice that that doesn't work on all babies though? And that's not a generational or trend driven thing, it didn't work on me 40 years ago.

I’m too old to know who Gina Ford is, but I did establish a routine, my two babies thrived and there was time for myself lol 🙄

I don't always think these comments are coming from a place of malice. It's becoming a topic of conversation where you can't do right for wrong. If you don't acknowledge or talk about impending baby - people will get annoyed. If you talk too much about it - people will get annoyed. If you are honest about what its like to have a new baby - people will get annoyed. If you lie and say everything is amazing all the time - people will get annoyed.

In your case OP it's probably best to just set your boundaries with these people and any topics of conversation you are not happy with just let them know.

If people are making you unhappy best to avoid them I'd say.

I think some things are just stock phrases that people say meaning no malice & perhaps thinking that they are being humorous.

I really don't remember this at all thought tbh.

I'm probably looking back with rose tinted specs but on the whole I don't remember it being that hard-apart from when my PFB decided to feed 2hrly through the night!

Everyone has a different experience, so they don't know you'll have a nightmare time. I found having a baby ok, but having a baby and toddler incredibly hard. Some people breeze through having a baby and toddler. I found the teenage years fine though. (Dds are 17 and 20 now) Some people find teenage dc awful though.

i wish people had told me that it can be really hard, that I might not fall in love with my baby immediately, that breast feeding could be really painful and difficult, that the exhaustion would make me feel like a zombie. I say this because all I heard was how wonderful it all was, how much i would adore my child the instant it was born, that maternal instinct would mean that I would always understand the meaning of my baby's cries. I felt like a failure and sometimes I even felt like a monster because I wasn't a natural mother and I struggled. However I never say this to anyone who is pregnant, I am always very happy for them and say that they will find their own path as a parent

Welcome to parenthood

I think for some parents it is the hardest thing in the world. But not for everyone.

Just you wait… until the baby is here and you get unsolicited advice from total strangers!

In one rage making incident a man in a queue told me my (mildly fussy because she was sick and I was buying medicine) toddler needed a good smack because that’s what children need.

It never stops - the only thing you can do is develop a really thick skin and learn to tune them all out.

I think these comments are often not meant personally and just reflective of how they feel. It’s quite often just filler in a conversation and I don’t think the people think so seriously about them.

It’s stupid really because in a way they are right, it’s so bloody hard, but the things I was expecting to find hard I found easy, and things I couldn’t ever dream of as even being a problem before are soooooo freaking hard. The point is you don’t know what is going to be hard for you and what isn’t, so their advice is pointless. It won’t be the same things for you as it was for them. You also don’t know what temperament your child will have and how they will differ to their babies.
As an example I heard constantly “just wait until she’s walking, things will be so much harder”. They weren’t, they were so much easier. For a start she was late walking because she had no need to, the girl could bloody teleport with her crawling and wanted to climb EVERYTHING so I was constantly chasing her around saving her life at every turn, but she hated being confined to the buggy if we went anywhere because she wanted to be out crawling/climbing, which she obviously couldn’t do and that meant frustration and…. TANTRUMS!!! My god, the tantrums. But tantrums that pretty much disappeared when she started walking and I could let her toddle around. So they were very wrong on that “just wait until…” front.

Parenting is making it up as you go and anyone who says differently doesn’t have children. As much as they probably mean well from a place of wanting to maybe prepare you/knowledge share, the fact remains that nothing can prepare you for the things you will find easy or difficult. But you’ll get there in your own way, facing your own specific set of challenges, and in the end you’ll be absolutely FINE.

But yes- unfortunately get used to everyone having an opinion on absolutely every one of your parenting choices, however big or small. Mark my words, she’ll barely have left the womb and the next thing will be how long you should or shouldn’t wait for baby number 2 🤣

Don't stress it OP! I have children and those statements drive me mad.

People will find a way to say them constantly...

"Life is hard with a newborn and a toddler"...
"Wait until they are both moving!"

"I am tired"
"Wait until you have three children, rather than two!"

Parents like to make out it is the hardest thing in the world for some reason.

Hi OP, what support were you seeking?

personally no body particularly paid attention to my pregnancy apart from my DH and me! I know it sounds weird but we just got on with it. Try to ignore people. You’ll do what you do!

pS don’t judge your sister too much!

It would be totally fine without this bit "Once you establish a routine the baby will thrive on it and there’ll be time for yourself"

Perhaps Gina Ford wrote it