I find my daughter very stubborn

I asked her to brush her teeth this morning and she started screaming at me “NOT YET”
You are controlling the timing a lot for a 9yo. Give her more autonomy over when, or a longer deadline

I asked her calmly again. She refused then I said she won’t have breakfast till her teeth are brushed. Immediate escalation to this threat is self-defeating. You want her to eat breakfast. Instead explain that teeth brushing is very important to avoid problems. Try to shift this so cleaning teeth is something she does for herself, not because you tell her to.

When I try to brush her teeth myself she shouts and screams. This sounds borderline abusive, she is nine not three!

Consequences don't work so well for my DD8. She has ADHD (possibly other stuff as yet undiagnosed) but we get exactly the response you have had when asking her to brush teeth. We tried everything over many months, trying to get to the bottom of why she refused. Now we take a very low demand approach to stuff like this - she is very demand avoidant at times. I pop the toothpaste on the brush hold it near her while she is playing or otherwise occupied and sometimes she takes it and does it, other times I just say 'time to open your mouth' or I ask 'shall I or will you?' and usually one of these will work. The threat of consequences just escalated things into a power struggle. Calmly explaining outside of the moment that teeth need to be cleaned so we can have fruit, puddings etc and so the dentist doesn't have to scrape too much when we visit next goes down better than in the moment reminders of the natural consequences of not cleaning teeth. Teeth cleaning is much more consistent now. Good luck!

What @DaisyChain505 said helped for us as well 🙂

In my experience the threat of "consequences" tended to make this particular kind of conflict worse.

Consequences should be instant and short. I’m not saying your daughter has adhd but using similar strategies wouldn’t hurt. Because the emotions are in the moment, longterm consequences and positive outcomes are less effective. Does she start the day with the iPad? In our house there’s no screens at all until breakfast/teeth/getting dressed is done. My eldest gets 10 minutes after this has been done in the morning as I need to help his siblings get ready. Access to screens is put away the night before, it’s not a punishment but part of the daily routine.

Try giving timings. “In five minutes, it will be time to brush your teeth” or ask “What time will you brush your teeth?”, this gives them a feeling of autonomy and time to mentally prepare. Don’t demand anything without notice.

For your morning routine try having a tick chart

brush teeth
get changed
eat breakfast
pack bag
etc

have a deal that all things need to be done and ticked off before leaving the house and if she happens to have 5 minutes extra before leaving the house she is allowed iPad time or the promise of something like a sweet treat at school pick up in the afternoon.

if she can see her jobs written down infront of her and knows something nice hangs on the condition that she does then it may help.

What happens with your DD if you offer a choice "now or in five minutes"? Worked well with my DS.

I would not try to brush a 9 year old's teeth for her.

And you can try using positive language like when/then instead of not/until - when you've brushed your teeth then we can have breakfast. It's surprising how much difference that can make. It's calming, and a lot of stubbornness is actually fuelled by anxiety.

A couple of resources to try. For children with this profile Ross Greene's "Explosive Child" book and website can be very effective. The children he's talking about may be more extreme than your DD but you can adapt the strategies to suit.

You can also try oldie but goodie Sue Jenner's "Parent-Child Game". In her way of describing children your DD may be "slow to warm up".

They both helped my DC who tended to react this way to demands. He ended up with an ASC diagnosis but these ones are not ASC specific books and they were very useful anyway!

Brushing teeth before breakfast is weird, I wouldn't want to do it either.

But yeah, consequences are your friend here

I am a parent of children with ASD and adhd so oppositional defiance disorder comes with the territory. But I’d not make my children brush their teeth before breakfast to start with, it’s a tad pointless and would trigger sensory issues around eating said breakfast. Teeth brushing is between breakfast and getting dressed. Very strict routine in the mornings is how we get by, it does all tend to fall apart on weekends and in the holidays but even if it happens later the key is to reduce stress.

What consequences do you have for when she is disobedient?